I often feel a lot of stress, which manifests itself not in panic, tears and hysteria, but in powerlessness. I never wanted to admit that I have depression as a diagnosis, but I know that my condition is often not okay. I can wake up wanting to continue sleeping and find no happiness in what I liked before. depression can be confused with laziness, but a person can feel these differences. I'm trying to live without the desire to do anything, and I understand that everything is in my hands. I don’t like to talk about it, so as not to remind myself once again. but at the same time I try to find different ways that can make me calm and awaken the desire to do something.

I’ll leave here a video that helped me now feel stronger in weakness. I love watching this blogger's videos, and I immediately go to her if I feel like I need a distraction and energy.

— this video.

I'm lost in days and time because of the amount of work I do automatically. silence and loneliness are not what I like. but sometimes I feel very comfortable at this time, especially at times like these.

I like to stay up all night to see how the day is born at 4 am, while listening to a good song.

I started this blog on January 19th, but why does it seem like January was so long ago and this blog is brand new?.. I'm lost in time.

my defining characteristic — is impermanence.

I don’t feel any need to write something, I can disappear for a long time, and I’m increasingly losing strength. sometimes I think that I liked the time before. people are almost always unhappy with what they have. something makes us different people, breaks us inside. nothing happens without a reason. some people need a little more time and effort to understand it.

Insomnia has become my friend, as has being alone at night, which I enjoy. no, I feel sleepy but I don't want to sleep because I feel like I'm wasting my time sleeping when I want to work on something else.

I value peace and tranquility too much.

I'm not a fan of the past, but I like to remember some moments that now seem pleasant. perhaps now times have become a little harder.

I think I miss some friends? and that vibe of lightness that was there before. when I just watched k-dramas, studied korean for 7 hours a day and listened to songs.

I also realized that I like english. this is strange, because I have been surrounded by english for about 15(?) years, but I have never been able to learn it enough to speak well.

earlier I also tried to make a lot of friends by communicating with foreigners! now I feel like I don’t have the strength for this, and times have changed a lot...

I don’t write here that often, but here are probably the most important thoughts and events. and recently I started doing something that I now like crazy, and I still haven’t written about it...

well, it's equestrian sport! horse riding, to be more precise. I miss horses when there is no training for a long time or the weather turns bad, so...(( I also like dressage and show jumping. the first looks elegant, but the second is difficult and dangerous, but I'm interested in trying it. It seems to me that I would be glad to take part in competitions if we have them now. now it's part of my life, and as my girl said, it suits me just like writing, so I really remember these words and enjoy them.

I think I fell in love with the rain.

I'm still haunted by nightmares of the recent past, and now it's not safe for me to be alone with my thoughts, unfortunately... but I have many things that make me happy, making me forget about that nightmare.

:my favorite person.
:my bestie.
:my friends.
:my work and soul when it comes to writing.
:my hobby, which gives something more, horse riding.
:books and stories in which you can get lost so as not to think about anything else.

this year feels like: too fast and too hard.

some feelings are silent. and they shout louder than the rest.

last year seemed more motivational and inspiring from the first days of january. this year doesn’t seem like it, but everything seems to be going as it should. strange feeling.

hmm, working? that's all I can do.

:: strange things happen, just like coming back here.

reading the channel from the beginning, I surprisingly recognize myself: books, insomnia, work, chaotic thoughts.

sometimes things change, but a lot stays with us.