Hey, I’m Gabriel!

You don’t need to know my full name, do you? Well, one thing you do need to know, though, is that every time someone gives me the chance to share a story about myself with them, I feel amazing. Just like when I tell you right now that I used to think that my whole life feels like a mockumentary—a documentary of something that’s never actually happened, fictional, you name it. You know that feeling when you’re in between sober and unconscious that you can’t even differentiate them? That’s it. That’s why I felt like this entire journey of mine was a part of somebody’s comedy show. Something they would laugh and mock at.
 
Maybe I’m a little too much, or even exaggerating. But hey, how I perceive things based on what I’ve gone through should be subjective, and that goes the same to everybody else, too! At least, I actually enjoy being the main character of this mockumentary and making the audience laugh out of my stupidity. Or maybe I shouldn’t...?

Anyway, that’s all about me, a-depressed-12th-grade-student who doesn’t have somebody to lean on and a place to vent to. I’ll see you soon in the front seat of the release of my mockumentary!

New year, old me.

Talking about new year celebration, my most remarkable new year eve was when grandma told me that everyone in our lives is connected by some sort of invisible string that holds them all together, no matter how far they are. Including you and me; we have one each. Odd, isn’t it? And our sole purpose is to keep the strings intact, to let them keep our relations with the distant relatives, friends, and beloved ones strong with the ‘magical power’ they have. But, some may loosen, while others may strengthen, and that's exactly where the tricky part lies. No strings should ever be pulled too hard or ignored for too long. And no, if you wonder, the string doesn’t actually work by itself.

Then, if you still wonder, how? To put it simply, let’s take a look at how AI works. It can’t just create a piece of art on its own. It’s humans, the ones that have entire control, with their intelligence that give the AI command and the ability to actually do something. And so does your string; it needs help from its owner. The string that dwells in yourself can’t decide whether to loosen or strengthen, but you can. Whether to embrace the ones that once hurt your feelings or to take vengeance. Whether to rejoice and relish the time you have left or to let the unflattering street lights accompany your regretful nights. The choices are entirely yours—which side would you pick?

My whole life, new year’s resolutions have never piqued my interest that much. Perhaps actually, it kind of did. Just like everyone else, I, too, had my own phase of rejoicing the thrilling passion about starting the new year ‘differently’. Promising myself to be better, trying to stick with it for only 2 weeks, failing, then going back to my default setting.

And now, with the maddening fact that I’ve failed several times, I’m becoming unsure what it is about the new year that always motivates humans to want to be their best selves. Giving yourself so many tasks to complete at once while making a change is a lot of pressure. Let’s recall that one assignment that I procrastinated on for literal weeks before finally being submitted a month after its due date. I can’t even keep up with my studies, so how can I keep up with changing myself? Don’t you think such motivation about the new year will even affect me anymore?

Though I may come off as hopeless to you, but I really am not. In the end, I think it’s fine to walk at the pace that fits your heart’s favor. This year, take it easy. It’s okay to have a list of goals to accomplish, a list of habits to begin, but don’t put too much pressure on yourself to start at once. There’s so much more to unpack; why not take it slowly, eh?

For every inch of you that I’m trying to cherish, internal and externally: I’ll be by and on your side, unconditionally.

Lack of confidence.

I always hated the way I talked. A pretty common insecurity, you might think. Words would come out of my mouth so fast without my brain allowing them to do so. I often found myself stuttering because my mouth just couldn’t translate the signals it received. At this point, I simply couldn’t control it. Though I did get some advantages out of it—to think that all the unfinished words that sounded like I was mumbling were benefits to my silly attempts to get attention from people—but I grew out of it, and realized that it’s actually a serious issue.

I’ve therefore come to the conclusion that I might need some practice to talk... Slower? Also, being a rapper wasn’t quite appealing to me. If it were though, I still would end up being the crappiest rapper in history. To talk properly so people could understand me better was the only thing I wanted to master, but why was it so difficult?

No, if you wonder, I haven’t overcome this problem yet. Still have it right until now, still hate the way I talk, still struggle to find my comfortable speaking pace. But, I guess, in the end, it is a lifelong learning. The hate I have decreased and that ought to be a good sign. And the most important part is that I’ve finally found people who will to walk with me, to find a way together to cure this particular insecurity of mine. So, if one day I ever rise to the position of the most remarkable CEO of a well-known corporation, I wouldn’t be stuttering no more!