دارم میرم اتریش. پیش میم عزیزم.
نتونستم آنلاین چک این کنم سایت ارور داد. اومدم فرودگاه چکاین کنم، بهت زده به مرده گفتم رفرنس نوامبر رو هم میخوایید؟ گفت نه فقط پاسپورت
ازم پرسید کری آن نداری گفتم نه .
بعد گفت کوله ات رو بذار پایین یه لحظه. نوار رو که زد به دستهی کولهام با یه لهجهی غلیظ شمال اروپایی گفت
You don't feel well miss?
گفتم
I'm OK.
چیزی که میخواستم بگم این بود که
I actually haven't felt well in months.
نتونستم آنلاین چک این کنم سایت ارور داد. اومدم فرودگاه چکاین کنم، بهت زده به مرده گفتم رفرنس نوامبر رو هم میخوایید؟ گفت نه فقط پاسپورت
ازم پرسید کری آن نداری گفتم نه .
بعد گفت کوله ات رو بذار پایین یه لحظه. نوار رو که زد به دستهی کولهام با یه لهجهی غلیظ شمال اروپایی گفت
You don't feel well miss?
گفتم
I'm OK.
چیزی که میخواستم بگم این بود که
I actually haven't felt well in months.
How can I sit back relax and enjoy this flight without a dad stupid condor?
How can I enjoy when he couldn't get on one?
How can I enjoy when he couldn't get on one?
بابا میم ها مثل دو سال پیش خیلی مهربون و مهموننوازند.
بابا نتونستم بهت زنگ بزنم بگم رسیدم وین، ولی رسیدم وین.
بابا این عکس های غروب از داخل هواپیما و غروب از بالای دانوبه. بابا تو بهم یاد دادی که به غروب نگاه کنم، که ثبتش کنم. که رنگهاش رو به خاطر بسپرم. که به تغییر رنگها نگاه کنم. که محو شدن رنگها رو در هم ببینم.
بابا امشب هم گریه میکنم، امشب هم دلتنگم. ۲۵ طبقه بالای دانوبم و چراغهای پایین مثل نقاشیاند ولی خیلی خیلی دلتنگم. امشب هم فکر میکنم به این که از وقتی که رفتی آب رفتهام. آب رفتن تریهورن رو یادته؟ از کتابهای مورد علاقهام بود تو هم برام میخوندی. احتمالا الان هم کتابه هست. یادمه جلدش کنده شد و با کاغذ رنگی سبز جلدش کردم. کتابه هست ولی تو نیستی. بابا تریهورن اینقدر آب رفت که داشت ناپدید میشد. حالا من مثل تریهورن آب رفتهام و دارم بیشتر آب میرم.
بابا نتونستم بهت زنگ بزنم بگم رسیدم وین، ولی رسیدم وین.
بابا این عکس های غروب از داخل هواپیما و غروب از بالای دانوبه. بابا تو بهم یاد دادی که به غروب نگاه کنم، که ثبتش کنم. که رنگهاش رو به خاطر بسپرم. که به تغییر رنگها نگاه کنم. که محو شدن رنگها رو در هم ببینم.
بابا امشب هم گریه میکنم، امشب هم دلتنگم. ۲۵ طبقه بالای دانوبم و چراغهای پایین مثل نقاشیاند ولی خیلی خیلی دلتنگم. امشب هم فکر میکنم به این که از وقتی که رفتی آب رفتهام. آب رفتن تریهورن رو یادته؟ از کتابهای مورد علاقهام بود تو هم برام میخوندی. احتمالا الان هم کتابه هست. یادمه جلدش کنده شد و با کاغذ رنگی سبز جلدش کردم. کتابه هست ولی تو نیستی. بابا تریهورن اینقدر آب رفت که داشت ناپدید میشد. حالا من مثل تریهورن آب رفتهام و دارم بیشتر آب میرم.
ماهم اين هفته برون رفت و به چشمم ساليست/
حال هجران تو چه دانی که چه مشکل حاليست
حال هجران تو چه دانی که چه مشکل حاليست
بابا قربونت برم کجایی؟
این عکسهای غروب امروزه، این بار اومدم طبقه ۴۳ م برج میم اینا. ۴۳ طبقه بالای دانوب. غروب رو نگاه کردم همونطور که تو بهم یاد دادی. غروب زیبایی بود از ارتفاع زیاد. با غروب اشک ریختم. نشستم و نگاه کردم. تا تاریک شدن آسمون نشستم و با دقت غروب رو نگاه کردم. تا سرخی رفت پشت کوهها و تیرگی اومد پایین.
با میم نشسته بودیم. یه دفعه رو به استخر میم ازم پرسید تو شنا بلدی و من تصویری که توی ذهنم اومد کلاسهای شنایی که تو و مامان من رو فرستادید نبود. تو بودی با مایو، زیر شکم من رو گرفته بودی و میگفتی «من گرفتمت بابا تو پا بزن»
امن بودم، پا میزدم . به تو اطمینان داشتم. همین شد که بعد ها هم از آب نترسیدم و از این غرق بشوم.
بابا من همون بچه ای هستم که شنا بلد نیست ولی تو هم نیستی که زیر شکمم رو بگیری و بگی « پا بزن بابا، من گرفتمت»
تو نیستی و من شنا بلد نیستم و دریا طوفانیه و دارم غرق میشم.
این عکسهای غروب امروزه، این بار اومدم طبقه ۴۳ م برج میم اینا. ۴۳ طبقه بالای دانوب. غروب رو نگاه کردم همونطور که تو بهم یاد دادی. غروب زیبایی بود از ارتفاع زیاد. با غروب اشک ریختم. نشستم و نگاه کردم. تا تاریک شدن آسمون نشستم و با دقت غروب رو نگاه کردم. تا سرخی رفت پشت کوهها و تیرگی اومد پایین.
با میم نشسته بودیم. یه دفعه رو به استخر میم ازم پرسید تو شنا بلدی و من تصویری که توی ذهنم اومد کلاسهای شنایی که تو و مامان من رو فرستادید نبود. تو بودی با مایو، زیر شکم من رو گرفته بودی و میگفتی «من گرفتمت بابا تو پا بزن»
امن بودم، پا میزدم . به تو اطمینان داشتم. همین شد که بعد ها هم از آب نترسیدم و از این غرق بشوم.
بابا من همون بچه ای هستم که شنا بلد نیست ولی تو هم نیستی که زیر شکمم رو بگیری و بگی « پا بزن بابا، من گرفتمت»
تو نیستی و من شنا بلد نیستم و دریا طوفانیه و دارم غرق میشم.
Forwarded from تو نمیمیری ژوزه🐎
اینکه دیگه «هرگز» نمیتونم دستات رو بگیرم، صدات رو بشنوم یا دست بکشم روی استخوون آفتاب سوختهی گونهت؛ اینکه باید «مردن» رو هربار تو ذهنم تعریف کنم تا به خاطر بیارم واقعا چه معنیای داره وقتی آدمها برای همیشه میرن و دیگه نمیتونی جایی پیداشون کنی؛ اینکه هربار وقتی میخوام دربارهت به کسی بگم یا ازت بنویسم، باید تلاش کنم تو کشاکش اینکه این چیزها دربارهی توئه یا من خوابم، تیکه پاره نشم و سقوط نکنم، مثل این میمونه کسی هرروز، هروقت دلش خواست سرمو بگیره زیر آب و هرجا احساس کرد کافیه به زندگی برم گردونه و دوباره فردا، فردا، فردا... .
Baba, I’m at the Vienna airport. I still can’t believe you’re not here.
Would you pick me up when I come back?
I can’t believe that I can never say that to you again.
Remember two years ago, when you told me I should have gone to the opera house? Well, I did. The gala was beautiful. You were right.
I still can’t believe that I can’t call you. I can’t believe that when I was checking in for my flight, I asked Mim if I could put her down as my emergency contact.
You were supposed to be my emergency contact for a much longer time.
Mim is my temporary emergency contact for this flight. But the truth is, I don’t have an emergency contact who’s alive.
So I don’t think it was a good idea for you to die. To disappear. To be inaccessible to me for the rest of my life.
I miss you, Baba.
Would you pick me up when I come back?
I can’t believe that I can never say that to you again.
Remember two years ago, when you told me I should have gone to the opera house? Well, I did. The gala was beautiful. You were right.
I still can’t believe that I can’t call you. I can’t believe that when I was checking in for my flight, I asked Mim if I could put her down as my emergency contact.
You were supposed to be my emergency contact for a much longer time.
Mim is my temporary emergency contact for this flight. But the truth is, I don’t have an emergency contact who’s alive.
So I don’t think it was a good idea for you to die. To disappear. To be inaccessible to me for the rest of my life.
I miss you, Baba.
Baba, How did you go from the most accessible and reliable person in my life to someone that I can NEVER reach again ?
Like you will never pick me up from an airport again?
I can’t understand how you went from being someone I could always call, someone I could count on to answer or call me back, to being completely inaccessible to me.
Baba, how can I live with never being able to reach you again?
Like you will never pick me up from an airport again?
I can’t understand how you went from being someone I could always call, someone I could count on to answer or call me back, to being completely inaccessible to me.
Baba, how can I live with never being able to reach you again?
امروز صبح برای اولین بار تو خیابون ما بوی پیازداغ میاومد.
مثل همهی روزهای تعطیلی که تو املت درست میکردی و اولین بویی که به مشامم میخورد بوی پیاز داغی بود که تو درست کرده بودی بابا…
راستی باید بهت بگم، امروز روز اولیه که میرم دانشگاه. کلاسها دیروز شروع شده ولی من دیروز تازه رسیدم.
مثل همهی روزهای تعطیلی که تو املت درست میکردی و اولین بویی که به مشامم میخورد بوی پیاز داغی بود که تو درست کرده بودی بابا…
راستی باید بهت بگم، امروز روز اولیه که میرم دانشگاه. کلاسها دیروز شروع شده ولی من دیروز تازه رسیدم.
I’m fragile baba, I guess I was before too. I just had you to hold me. Where are you?
I see people in videos talking about their grief. About how they held their parent’s hands while they were dying.
And the fact that I wasn’t there when you took your last breath makes it harder to believe that you are gone. None of us were there. Could you not have waited? Maybe just another day?
Was this how you wanted it?
People will say to me he didn’t want you to be like this. Did you not? Then why did you leave this way? Why did you not wait for me to give you a hug while your body was still warm.
I see people in videos talking about their grief. About how they held their parent’s hands while they were dying.
And the fact that I wasn’t there when you took your last breath makes it harder to believe that you are gone. None of us were there. Could you not have waited? Maybe just another day?
Was this how you wanted it?
People will say to me he didn’t want you to be like this. Did you not? Then why did you leave this way? Why did you not wait for me to give you a hug while your body was still warm.
I sometimes feel like this was his revenge, it’s stupid but I do.
I feel like the guilt that is swallowing me is because I had built a wall, and I didn’t let him in. And I am like is this a revenge, so that I would hate myself to my last breath ?
This is so not like you baba, you were the gentler parent. You were the it’s ok, let’s try to find a way parent. You were the one who saw my shortcomings and helped me many times before I even asked. You were not usually the “I told you so”.
That sounds like me, sometimes like maman. You were rarely like that.
Then why now?
I feel like the guilt that is swallowing me is because I had built a wall, and I didn’t let him in. And I am like is this a revenge, so that I would hate myself to my last breath ?
This is so not like you baba, you were the gentler parent. You were the it’s ok, let’s try to find a way parent. You were the one who saw my shortcomings and helped me many times before I even asked. You were not usually the “I told you so”.
That sounds like me, sometimes like maman. You were rarely like that.
Then why now?
Baba, I think as we get older, we sort of start to parent our parents as well.
We still need them. We still rely on them. But there are times when we let them rely on us, too. We criticize them differently—not as in, “my annoying parents do this,” but more like, let me stand beside you. Let me help you figure out this small thing.
I’ve done that with Maman in the past few years. Not a lot. Not enough even with her.
But when I look at my relationship with you, I realize I didn’t let you rely on me as an adult.
Things were different when I was younger. I would let you tell me things, but I didn’t really have the capability to take any of the weight from you then.
And then I got older. I did have some capability. And I still didn’t let you rely on me.
When I criticized you, it often wasn’t in the way I wish it had beenn, “I think you could do this differently, and let me help you.” It was harsh.
You lost your mom, your last living parent, when I was three. And once I passed 25, once I was maybe a little more grounded and capable myself, I wish I had let you have some of that with me.
I wish you could have relied on me for small things.
Let me find the better price, Baba.
Let me book the ticket.
Let me plan this part.
Give me that thing you’ve been worrying about and let me take it off your shoulders.
I’m sorry the weight on your shoulders was so heavy.
And I’m sorry that sometimes, instead of helping you carry it—or even offering you a tool that might have made it easier—we stood there asking, “Why aren’t you carrying it better?”
I wish I had understood that sooner.
We still need them. We still rely on them. But there are times when we let them rely on us, too. We criticize them differently—not as in, “my annoying parents do this,” but more like, let me stand beside you. Let me help you figure out this small thing.
I’ve done that with Maman in the past few years. Not a lot. Not enough even with her.
But when I look at my relationship with you, I realize I didn’t let you rely on me as an adult.
Things were different when I was younger. I would let you tell me things, but I didn’t really have the capability to take any of the weight from you then.
And then I got older. I did have some capability. And I still didn’t let you rely on me.
When I criticized you, it often wasn’t in the way I wish it had beenn, “I think you could do this differently, and let me help you.” It was harsh.
You lost your mom, your last living parent, when I was three. And once I passed 25, once I was maybe a little more grounded and capable myself, I wish I had let you have some of that with me.
I wish you could have relied on me for small things.
Let me find the better price, Baba.
Let me book the ticket.
Let me plan this part.
Give me that thing you’ve been worrying about and let me take it off your shoulders.
I’m sorry the weight on your shoulders was so heavy.
And I’m sorry that sometimes, instead of helping you carry it—or even offering you a tool that might have made it easier—we stood there asking, “Why aren’t you carrying it better?”
I wish I had understood that sooner.