Yesterday I shared in the group how I’ve been living through this past week. From the moment I received the news about my cat, time has shifted for me. On one hand, it feels as if an eternity has passed because of everything I’ve managed to do during these days. On the other hand, it’s as if a couple of days were simply erased from my calendar. Yesterday I thought it was Monday, even though it was already Wednesday. And it’s all because there is a part of me that wants to disconnect and hide from this reality. But if before it used to run me on autopilot, now it happens less often, and it’s usually a conscious choice.

I also noticed how unusual it feels for me to receive words of support. I literally started to feel nauseous as soon as I saw the messages. I’m used to keeping up a facade in the eyes of others (with very few exceptions) that I have everything under control and that I’m managing everything. And the fact that I wrote and received words of support stirred up my protectors, who started actively “scolding” my inner child for being sincere. This resonates deeply with my experience in the group when I received positive feedback and could barely sit still while catching all those sensations in my body. It also ties in with how difficult it is for me to take credit (even partially) for the positive changes in my clients’ lives.

And for the first time since I started writing in this journal, I find myself not knowing what to write about. Time and again, I stop and hit a block. The thought keeps spinning in my head that my message in the group about the pain related to the cat or the irritation toward my daughter somehow distorted how people perceive my process. I can literally see how these wonderful protectors of mine want to take control and write a text themselves in the spirit of: “you misunderstood me, I have everything under control, etc.” But my inner honesty won’t let me do that.

And this brings up a sense of sadness that I can’t just write exactly as I feel. My protectors keep trying to gain the upper hand while I’m writing this text, and I can literally feel my nose and my tailbone tightening (like during exams in the past). And it’s all because they are trying to “save” me from the image I might have created with yesterday’s message. They are so afraid that I look like someone drowning in my automatisms, someone who needs support and advice, when in reality I simply want to share what is happening and my insights, and I am also interested in how other mothers live through similar situations.

In particular, I was interested to know if mothers often snap at their children when something is happening in another area of their life. I was truly surprised by how much anger has risen in me toward my daughter since last Thursday in the moments when she interacts with me while I am busy with the cat and solving her problem. I even had to go to a separate room and hit a mattress to process the anger and return calm. I noticed that my anger comes from the helplessness I feel because I cannot influence the outcome with my cat. Anger is much more pleasant to experience through the body (and the thoughts associated with anger) than helplessness. In the latter, I feel intense nausea, and I have no choice but to simply live through that sensation and accept my humanity.

Music. Candles. I am back.

Yesterday I had a group session where I am a client, and the topic of support came up. I gathered the courage to say that a lot has piled up and I just wanted to feel supported. And immediately I was asked what would constitute support for me. This threw me into a block at first, but listening to myself, I said - hugs. It’s so interesting; even though everyone is far away and it’s an online meeting, I felt the girls' hugs. And then some of the women tried to support me verbally. After certain phrases or examples, I closed up. But afterward, one woman from the group said those exact words to me that touched my soul and went all the way through.

And all of this led us to reflect on what support actually is. And almost everyone had an understanding of what support is not. For example, when people start giving you advice or telling you what the right thing to do is. When they say phrases like “someone out there has it worse” or that “this experience was given to you for a reason.” And one could go on forever here. In fact, it’s easier to answer what support is and simply not use everything else. And we all came to the conclusion that hugs, even if they are virtual, they help. Also, when they acknowledge your feelings and your right to feel the way you feel without trying to “save” you. In some situations, especially when the topic is heavy and there is a lot of pain, it helps many people just to have someone be silent with them, even over the phone.

All of this showed how difficult it is for many to show support or that they don’t know how to show it. It’s as if you sincerely want to support someone, but on the other end, the person closes up and feels pressure, devaluation, or anything but support.

At the same time, I observed myself and noticed that in order to be able to sincerely show support, one must have access to their own compassion. Not to pity, where you reach out from a superior position and try to “save.” And not dissolving in someone else’s pain, where you experience another’s pain “as your own” - that is also not about the other person, because at that moment you are inside yourself. But it’s when you are present with the other, you see their pain, you understand them, you love them, you are nearby so the person can lean on you, but you don't pull that person anywhere. And this can be quite difficult to do because many people become afraid when someone near them is hurting. They cannot endure someone else’s pain because their own personal history is connected to it. Perhaps when someone close to them was struggling, it affected them in some negative way, or they simply had to watch someone else’s suffering without the ability to help in any way, and from that, they felt complete helplessness.

In compassion, there is acceptance and understanding of the other’s pain, and at the same time, there is a lot of humility in simply allowing the other to live through their experience, as well as faith in the other that they will cope. And this is the only position that truly helps another person grow beside you. It is like a mother who sees that her child has fallen or is emotionally hurting from something, and she is simply with them, hugging them, allowing them to live through all their emotions. She gives them this space, she is in the moment (her personal stories and emotions do not kick in at that moment), and she allows her child to try again, even if they fall many more times. She can guide them, but she allows them to gain their own experience and learn. This is very brave, and there is a lot of love and compassion in it.

I just returned from my dance class; today was the third lesson. And I was in a very good mood, despite the tiredness. But as soon as I walked into the house and saw the cat carrier - a lot of anxiety and helplessness immediately rose inside me. Tomorrow is her surgery, and I am very worried, even though I try not to show it. As soon as I acknowledged these feelings to myself, the tears started rolling.

That’s why I didn’t know what I would write about today. I don’t have any specific topics pre-prepared. I can’t write according to a plan. Everything I write here, I write from a state of flow and I write about the things that concern me at this moment. But I decided to light the candles, turn on my favorite music, and I immediately felt safe. It’s as if this is my corner, my home, where I can be who I am. I even thought that if I didn’t write anything - I would just listen to music and be with myself.

On my way home, I was talking to my friend and she told me about a funny situation with her partner. And it was very pleasant to touch that family warmth through her.

Now my husband and I are going through the stage of separation. In Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson’s Differentiation Model, there are 5 stages that couples must go through to be true partners, to feel intimacy and passion, to understand each other, and to be self-sufficient, but choosing to be together because they are better off together. They are together not out of deficiency, but out of wholeness. They are very well on their own, but they choose to be together because their partnership fulfills and develops them. And to move to each stage and reach the 5th stage, each partner goes through a period of separation. These stages are also similar to the periods that children and their parents go through.

Most couples are in the first 3 stages and can live their whole lives that way. In the first stage, there is a complete merging with each other; you literally idealize each other and look for how you are alike. In the second, disappointment comes from the realization that the partner turns out not to be who they imagined. And there is a lot of conflict here. In fact, there are quarrels at every stage; they are just experienced differently. In the third stage, partners distance themselves and separate from each other. They learn to be autonomous and happy without the partner. Usually, at this stage, intimacy disappears - both emotional and physical - or it decreases significantly. And already in the fourth, when each partner has passed separation and has become happy with themselves, they return to each other and their intimacy returns. In the fifth stage, the partners fully realize their autonomy but choose to be together. This is when 1+1=11. You are not just two separate people; you are a team that creates something greater. At this stage, intimacy becomes very deep because it no longer threatens your freedom. You can argue, but it doesn't destroy the foundation. You support each other's growth, even if that growth leads the partner away for a while. In the 1st stage, intimacy is based on "sameness," and in the 5th stage - on respect for differences.

We are now moving from the second to the third stage with my husband. In parallel, I am working on my sexual and physical traumas, which I will tell you about here sometime. This is a stage where intimacy is transformed, and sometimes it seems like it disappears, giving way to the search for one’s own autonomy. For me, this is a difficult period. But I also know that for us as a couple to move to the next stage and meet each other in a new way, we need to go through this. And yes, there are no guarantees, but this risk is worth it. Because one can live their whole life like roommates just because of the children, for example. But to have that very intimacy in a partnership that many dream of, one must be ready to take this risk.

The last 4 days have been emotionally heavy for me. It’s as if a piece of my heart was torn out. As if a part of my soul has left me. My cat died on Tuesday, after surgery. The doctor performed a miracle, but it was not enough and her heart stopped.

All these days, I allowed myself to grieve as much as needed and helped myself with various practices to release emotions and not suppress them in my body. At the same time, I managed to do my chores, work, and create a safe environment for my daughter.

She saw that I was crying and knew that I was sad because of the cat’s passing. But she remained calm because I told her that I was managing. I am glad that my daughter has learned to interact with various emotions and she understands them. And I am glad that she doesn’t start trying to “save” me, but remains a child and feels safe. This is proof that the way I am raising her is working. After all, it is important to me that she is emotionally developed, knows how to regulate herself, and has a basic sense of security. And it is precisely such moments that show whether I am on the right path in parenting.

Once again, while I was crying and feeling the emptiness in my chest, I thought about unconditional and conditional love. Because with the cat's passing, I felt a wild sadness over the loss of specifically unconditional love. Animal love is unconditional. It is love for the mere fact of existence. There are no conditions there; there is simply love. And in my case, it was mutual. Mothers have the same kind of love - that is exactly how I love my daughter. Because it is precisely this kind of love that gives her that very internal sense of worth with which she can go through life.

Also, I thought about how few people know how to love themselves unconditionally. After all, there used to be a different culture of upbringing. This feeling can be cultivated within oneself, and it will be the most important investment in oneself that we can ever make. Otherwise, a person will treat themselves like this: “I did something - I am worthy of love; I didn't do something - I am not worthy.” Many can only experience this feeling of unconditional love and unconditional acceptance when communicating with animals or with children. That is why for many who have animals, it is so painful when they leave.

Today I had another practice where I lived through emotions. A lot of sadness, despair, tears, and heart-wrenching pain in my chest came out. Most of the time, I was remembering the last moment with Viola before giving her up for surgery. But at some point, memories of other losses came, for example, my grandfather’s. Viola’s passing opened access to the emotion of grief over loss that had been blocked in my body. Also, I saw that I had not fully lived through the pain associated with the passing of Lucy, our cat, who lived for almost 24 years (11 of them with me). I felt how much unprocessed pain was still inside me.

The most interesting thing is that by closing or freezing sadness, despair, or any other “negative” emotions, we also lose access to positive emotions, such as compassion, joy, and gratitude. This process happens on autopilot because the brain is afraid that all those feelings might “destroy” us or that we won't be able to endure them, so it automatically blocks them. But in the end, we get an emotionless or low-emotion life. But most importantly, for me personally, it is the inability to feel a connection with others. Because in order to open one’s heart to love, the brain must also be ready for vulnerability and for the fact that this connection can be lost at any moment.

And so today, after I had a good cry, endured that very pain in my chest, and was ready to let go of all those whom I loved and who are no longer here, feeling that a piece of their souls remained in my heart, something unexpected happened. I suddenly felt a desire to redirect this love, which was clinging to the past, into those who are in my life now. Images of the mothers I’ve been interacting with lately came to me, and I felt how I connected with my heart to their hearts. I felt their pain and compassion. It was as if I touched their souls and saw what they are going through. And my heart seemed to expand more and more, connecting with a greater number of people.

It is difficult to describe this in words, but it feels like that very connection I hadn't even dreamed of. When you stop being separate, closed in your own world with your pain, not seeing or feeling others, and suddenly, you connect with everyone, but at some deep level, at the level of the heart or soul. It’s like that very network of Eywa from “Avatar,” through which all living beings on that planet are connected. And this is different from dissolving into others, where you lose yourself in the moment of merging. Here it feels different, as if you exist and you can hold within yourself both the love and the pain of those who are in connection with you.

Today I had a session where I was a client, and I came with a request that I feel a wall between myself and people or some achievement. And I was delighted and happy when they showed me my pattern, which, as it turned out, is common. For example, I can do some action regularly, say, meditate, but as soon as I record this action in my calendar, I immediately stop doing it. Or I often feel a wall between myself and other people, as if I won’t be heard and there will be no understanding.

And so, as it turned out, one of my protectors, which in our coaching we call wounded arrogance, turned out to be this wall for me. Arrogance can manifest as withdrawal, neglect, or a reluctance to follow some structure or rules. And like any other protector, it appeared because of great pain. The more “pain” (fear, despair, sadness, helplessness), the stronger the defenses. And often they behave so covertly that it is difficult to see them yourself. And the most interesting thing is that I read this defense in others from a mile away. I knew that I had it and often catch it, but I didn’t know that it was exactly what kept me in this same vicious circle. I am so glad that I finally saw it.

For example, yesterday my husband told me that he met some mom and wanted to introduce me to her today. On autopilot, I didn’t even want to consider this option and immediately said that I was very tired and had no internal resource for meeting people. And maybe partially that is true, but after today's session, I saw that this is my usual pattern, which does not allow me to get closer to others.

Or I strive so hard to develop my project, but this part of me does not like discipline or some routine actions; it automatically sabotages them. It wants so much to save me from emotional or physical suffering, but with this sabotage, it leads me precisely to that “emotional suffering” from my lack of realization, for example.

And this is what usually happens with all protectors. Initially, they appeared to protect us, and apparently, they succeeded, since we are still alive. But the brain is not very interested in our happiness or development; it is aimed at our survival. Therefore, already in adult life, these very automatic defenses lead us exactly to what we are trying to escape. For example, we are afraid that we will be “abandoned,” but most often it is that very wounded arrogance that itself leaves the partner first, so as not to face being unexpectedly abandoned. And in the end, the relationship ends and the pattern is reinforced.

It is so interesting now to observe that very pattern we discovered yesterday. I can see now how my protectors interact with time and why it was so “dangerous” for me to allocate a specific time daily to sit down and write my journal. It always worked out such that I “had” to write in a rush because my daughter’s schedule was tight and she needed to be put to bed.

And today, I clearly saw how everything is set up for me. I put my daughter to bed early and was already free by 8 PM. Essentially, I had a full hour and a half to have a quiet dinner and write in my journal. And then I come into the living room, take my phone, and start getting lost in Instagram. I literally remember that very thought: “I don’t want to fulfill another obligation, give me a break.” That is, my protector interprets my personal time and journaling - which I enjoy so much - as a “must,” and it interprets the personal time I set aside for things I want to do as a danger and an assault on my freedom, so it tries in every way to “save” me from it.

So these weeks will be interesting for me, as I’ve decided to consciously set aside time in the evening for my own affairs. I will definitely share the process. And even now, while writing this, another protector of mine, who is afraid of my disappointment, says: “You do realize that this is bigger than you and you won’t be able to handle it.” Wow. I’m truly interested to see how all this will unfold.

And then there is another protector that is known to many; in our coaching, we call it Perfectionism. It is constantly afraid of receiving some external criticism, so it has learned to set some unrealistic instructions on how my time should be spent and how the text should be written. That is why the “solution” for me was to write my texts at a fast pace out of a “lack of time,” which my protectors created for me with such love. After all, if the deadline is tight, there is no time for criticism. It all amuses me so much. But I want to change this and reclaim control over my time.

Today I decided to practice my new state with others. I arrived at dance class, and before the lesson started, the women were waiting and looking at something on their phones. Usually, I would have done the same, but I decided to just stand there and look at them with interest. It was even a bit awkward, as everyone was busy. But I continued, and I was happy to be in the moment. And then at some point, one of the women put away her phone and asked me about something. Later others joined in, and we had a cool conversation. During the lesson, I stood next to the other women and continued to be open to communication and, when possible, starting a conversation or giving compliments. It was cool and pleasant. I felt a connection with the women and remembered my openness, and how much I actually enjoy communicating.

On the way home, I decided to start listening to a book by Byron Katie and ask myself her questions. In our coaching, we use these questions as a technique for turning around our thinking. And so, upon arriving home, I had a wonderful opportunity to practice them. I expected my daughter to already be asleep, but they were just getting ready to go to bed, and then the question “and who said it should be exactly as I imagined, especially the first time my husband is putting my daughter to bed” came in handy, and I let it go immediately. Then I had the opportunity to practice another tool that dampens any emotion of varying intensity in a short time, and I was convinced of its effectiveness.

At the same time, I see how my protectors are intricately turning on when it comes to writing the journal. Today I didn’t sit down for it until I had worked on my project. It seems like it was also planned, and it’s curious that the journal was the last thing on my to-do list for today. And yet, I wrote, and that is what’s most important.

I continue to observe my procrastination regarding writing in my journal. Today I have been at the computer for about 6 hours, with breaks, and I only sat down to write my thoughts at almost 10 PM. And for the first time, my mind is a blank page. I have no idea what to write about. Right now, I’m feeling a slight resentment because my Perfectionist managed to criticize all that time I spent on my project, which is no less important than writing in the journal. As if simply writing every day isn’t enough. It has to be done “on time.” And here I see those impossible instructions again - because if I had written in the journal first and then hadn't finished something in my project, this protector would have found something to nitpick there too.

Actually, before this part of me switched on, I was happy and delighted with what I’m doing now and how my day looks. I am doing things I couldn't even dream of quite recently. And it all started with taking full responsibility for my life. I started actively dismantling those defenses that kept me in my comfort zone. And I started making decisions I hadn't made before. And on one hand, it’s inspiring, and on the other, it feels like a risk, because there are no guarantees. But this uncertainty no longer keeps me prisoner of inaction, as it did before. It just exists as a fact of existence. And at the same time, there is a clear understanding of where I am going and what needs to be done, and from that comes a lot of energy for action.

Actually, in our coaching, and not only there, it is said that any emotion is fuel for action or inaction. For example, if you are constantly in fear or despair, the body simply has no energy for action, because these emotions themselves say “run or hide from the goal,” or “nothing makes sense” - and your hands drop. And this applies to any emotion. Therefore, I am glad that I have reached a state where, for the most part, I feel calm and confidence.

I feel so sad right now. I saw my mistake in motherhood, and I am so sorry. And I very much want to fix it, because I perfectly understand what it can lead to.

It all started with my last meeting in the group (where I am a client). A strong anger rose in me regarding how the process was going and regarding some of the facilitator's actions. I know how the "here and now" process in a group "should" be structured, and I know how an MCP coach "should" behave. And when I voiced my feelings and expectations in the group, not only did I see my pattern (I’ve often had similar situations with authority figures in the past), but the group also reacted in a way I didn't want. It seemed like the corrections I asked for were for the benefit of all participants, but the form in which I did it immediately distanced part of the group from me.

After the group, I reflected for a long time on everything that happened. I even wanted to leave the process and find another group. But I decided to stay and learn to feel calm and not be led by the thoughts of my protectors, even when someone behaves "incorrectly" or "illogically."

Then, the other day, I observed this same pattern from the outside. I saw the pain and the desire for connection beneath the defense, and I really wanted to reach out. But I didn't do it because the form in which the person communicated triggered a distancing in me and was perceived as an "attack." And most interestingly, this morning I had a situation with my husband where I thought I was simply being strict (not shouting, not insulting, but just using a cold tone) in defending my boundaries and reminding him of an agreement. But then I remembered that very situation that mirrored my pattern to me, and I realized that when communicating from such a defense, there will never be understanding (no matter what pain lies beneath it). After all, defense triggers a counter-defense, and not that connection and understanding that this defense was originally intended to achieve.

And that brings me to the saddest part for me. For the last month or month and a half, I have noticed that my daughter is afraid of my anger (even though I shout very rarely and very briefly). Most often, I use that very strict tone. And so I hear: "Mommy, please don't be angry" or "Mommy, have you stopped being angry about..." And it surprised me, because I get angry and move on very quickly, but it has left a mark in my daughter's brain. And I see how she immediately tries to fix her "mistake" or refuses to do something (this is rare so far) so as not to make a mistake. For example, she dropped some food, I tell her "eat carefully," and she says to me: "Let it be you who feeds me instead."

When I heard this today, it simply shocked me - it was as if a bucket of cold water had been poured on me. I saw where my pattern had led. My daughter has started to be afraid of "making mistakes." And that is very bad. After all, fearing to make a mistake, she will stop trying new things (this is very familiar to me, and it’s what I’m working on). And in a future where AI will be able to do almost everything for us, it is specifically an open mind, creativity, courage and the desire to try new things that will be valuable in people.

Therefore, my priority now will be to catch this defense before I say something (which is a matter of split seconds) and to learn to be in "imperfect" or "unpredictable" conditions in everyday life. It is important to clarify here that anger as an emotion is harmless, and suppressing it will only lead to undesirable consequences. I mean specifically not reacting automatically out of anger (out of our automatic defenses), and those are different things.

It's so interesting, I noticed how the devaluation of Perfectionism kicks in as soon as I missed a couple of days of my journal and yoga. During the day, when I thought about doing yoga, I heard the thought: “what’s the point, you’re not doing it every day anymore since you missed a couple of days, why continue.” With the journal, I just switched to typical avoidance on my phone.

On one hand, I didn't go to sleep right after returning from dancing, even though I was tired, having planned that I would write in my journal today. And on the other hand, I just got stuck on Instagram for about 50 minutes because I didn't want to do anything. It felt like another task, plus the devaluation of the process due to the missed days. But I acted the same way with both yoga and the journal, telling myself that I would just do it for 5 minutes.

These days were fruitful and I was able to do things in my project that I had never done before and didn't even suspect I would ever be able to do. And against this background, today, when I woke up and saw how many chores “need” to be done around the house and at the same time spend time with my daughter, I felt discouraged and I suddenly felt tired. I saw the mechanism that started it all (that same Perfectionism that raises a sense of despair in me). It showed itself in all its glory when I decided to postpone the housework and sit down to play with my daughter.

We started molding with play dough. I really don't like all these games; it's easier for me to go for a walk with my daughter. And here I saw why I dislike them so much. We started playing; not only did she mix the colors and there was no clean shade left, but I was also constantly making sure that these crumbs of play dough didn't fall on the floor. Then I managed to mix part of the play dough so that it was one, clean shade and I didn't let my daughter touch it... And then, I decided to relax a bit and mold something from a mixed piece and made a dolphin. And so I'm sitting, looking at it, thinking, finally I'm managing to play “by the rules” and I started to relax. And while I was molding a ball for the dolphin, my daughter took it and combined it with the rest of her piece... How upset I was, if only you could have seen it... I felt such despair that here I finally “learned” to play, but even this doesn't work out, and sadness that I wanted to make something beautiful, and it was “taken away” from me.

It's so funny and at the same time sad. Two children are sitting there and trying to play. Only one is acting out of interest and is relaxed, and the second is “under the supervision” of her meta-program. My daughter immediately noticed that I was upset; in fact, I myself said “I don't want to play anymore” like a hurt child, and she started to “fix” the situation and mold the dolphin again. She molded it, and here I am sitting, looking at this imperfect figure, and saying to myself “that's enough, I want to see what terrible thing will happen if the game is imperfect.” I was immediately hit by shame (my cheeks were burning and felt like they were being drawn in), and pain started in my chest, as if it was some kind of despair with longing. In general, I realized that these sensations in the body are not so scary and one can choose not to fall into defense (anxiety from Perfectionism). So I will train more to be in this state and, look at that, I might arrive at that joy from communicating with my daughter that I experience during walks. After all, earlier even on walks, it used to kick in for me.

I didn’t expect that I could be so moved by a lullaby.

Today in my group (where I was a client), a girl sang me a song called “Kotiki Ustali” (The Kitties are Tired). She looked right into me, and I felt her touching my heart. It was a very powerful experience. I felt as if I were truly being rocked to sleep, and I just cried. In that moment, this girl became for me the embodiment of that very big, loving, maternal heart that is capable of simply being there.

This topic has not left my head all week. In the stories of mothers, in the comments under my posts - I see this striving for love everywhere, and the huge price we pay for it. I remembered two important terms from psychology that explain everything happening to us: “Ghosts in the Nursery” and “Angels in the Nursery.”

First, “Ghosts” (a concept by Selma Fraiberg) come into our homes. These are those uninvited guests from our own past. They manifest in our automatic reactions: in that very icy tone, in a sharp scream, in the desire to push a child away when there is fear or helplessness inside. These “Ghosts” (generational traumas) trigger an automatic reaction in us, that very defense our brain created for us so we could survive in those conditions. And all of this leads to the repetition of scenarios that we ourselves once hated.

But there are also “Angels” (a concept by Alicia Lieberman). These are not “ideal moms” from covers. These are moms who find the courage within themselves to acknowledge their ghosts and say: “It ends with me.” “Angels in the Nursery” are those bright, warm moments from our past or present that give us a foundation. It is an experience of acceptance, safety, and kindness. Research shows that children who had such “Angels” grow up more resilient and healthy. Even when the mother is no longer around, this “inner angel” continues to warm and protect them throughout their lives.

What this girl in the group did for me today by singing a lullaby became my “Angel in the Nursery.” In the moment she was singing, my “Ghosts” fell silent. I again felt like that little girl who is allowed to just be, who is loved and rocked. And I think that we all sometimes need someone to sing us a lullaby.

I only just noticed that I haven’t written in my journal for five days. On the other hand, I am actively working on my project and it feels as if I never stopped writing. Today I would like to talk about two important realizations that I’ve had during these days. I’ll start with the latest one. Today, for the second time in recent days, I caught myself suddenly feeling a loss of strength after seeing a couple of posts about the latest world news. The first time, it “knocked me out” for about 30 minutes and I literally felt my hands drop and that nothing made sense anymore. Back then, I looked through many more posts. And today, I seemed to catch this anxiety immediately; I turned off Instagram after the second post, but it managed to affect me.

And while I was regaining my sense of safety and my footing, the metaphor of a lighthouse came to me. Right now, I am creating a program for mothers. And it really resonated with me to be a lighthouse that shines, and toward that light swim those who need to go in that direction. If before I thought that I needed to help them swim, now I’ve realized that my responsibility is to continue shining, standing firmly on my feet, even if there is chaos in the world. And then I realized that any mother is such a lighthouse for her children. She cannot swim to where they need to go instead of them, but she can do everything to continue shining, feeling the ground under her feet, and thereby showing her children where they should swim.

The second topic I wanted to talk about is in the category of comedy. The other day, I saw a people-pleasing pattern in myself toward another person. My brain was occupied with doing everything so that the other person would remain satisfied, instead of doing the things that are important to me. Previously, this pattern brought me a sense of “correctness and pride in my efforts,” but this time, I saw it in all its glory and, most importantly, the price I pay for it. In that day, there was everyone except me and my needs. And this caused a strong aversion in me toward this manifestation of mine. And thanks to this, now my body has “learned” and my brain has realized how much this pleasing and prioritizing of someone else’s comfort costs me. If this hadn’t happened, I would have continued to act this way on autopilot, without even suspecting that I have it :)

1/2 This period has become a real working-through of my defenses for me. I was literally creating a new neural connection. It’s no wonder that a relapse occurred immediately after. First, it was accumulated physical fatigue, which began to flow into avoidance and getting lost in reels. For the last hour and a half, my computer was open so that I could start writing in this journal, and I just sat on Instagram. I was well aware that I was in defense, but I continued to stay in it, which was followed by “self-punishment.” And all because, during this time, I forgot how it feels to connect with myself through writing.

And I decided to return to my ritual. I lit a candle, turned on music, and here I am. Today I went to the spa to celebrate my birthday. In the end, when I was left alone, I decided to just feel everything that was happening and be in the moment. I enjoyed every touch during the massage. It was incredible. Yesterday I also went for a massage, but it was to relieve muscle tension. And I noticed how habitual it is for my brain to perceive painful sensations and how fear arose at pleasant touches. Therefore, today’s experience was special for me, because all the sensations were pleasant and I was able to accept them without fear.

And also, I wanted to write about what happened last Saturday, at that very “here and now” group. Our meeting coincided exactly with my birthday, and I had an expectation that I would be congratulated. And while this wasn't happening, I was simply breaking down physically; I was catching the whole spectrum of emotions and a simply incredible desire to leave the group. Then I thought that maybe it just didn't show up for them that it was my holiday and they were simply not aware. And from this thought, it became even more uncomfortable, because then I could just tell them about it, but upon this thought, others arose, like “why would I impose here, burden others,” etc.

And I did it. I just said it as it is. I told them about my bodily reactions, about different emotions, and about the fact that it was my holiday. And they immediately started congratulating me. And this turned out to be “even scarier” for my body/brain. I was seen. They said pleasant words to me. And I just started crying and couldn't stop for a long time. It suddenly became clear to me why in the morning, when I started reading the congratulations, irritation and a desire to hide in a “box” arose in me, so that I would just be left alone.

2/2 Irritation feels better than the sadness that was beneath it. I wanted so much to be seen, to be touched, but I myself was closing off from this experience. Many who have had the experience of being rejected by a group might understand what I’m talking about. And not only by a group. In general, when it is unusual to experience a deep emotional connection with someone, the body/brain will then protect itself in every way from this experience, even if it is what we want so much.

And there in the group, as soon as I simply opened up in all my vulnerability and people accepted me, it caused very strong tears. The feeling that I am part of someone's life. That their words penetrate directly into the soul. After the group, I decided to read all the congratulations specifically from this state, from openness. And I just cried :) That’s how interesting my birthday turned out to be.

And the most interesting thing is, I later saw a parallel with how we choose pets. I won’t speak for everyone, because for now, this theory is purely hypothetical. But I noticed in myself and in others that when a person is dominated by an avoidant attachment style, it is easier for them to choose dogs and their unconditional “anxious” love. For the anxious attachment style, which dominated in me for most of the time, it is easier to love cats and their “avoidant,” distant, independent nature. My last cat was very affectionate, tactile, and wanted a lot of attention. And I felt very awkward because of that. With her, my avoidant attachment style would switch on.

And the same pattern happens in relation to people. For those who have the same disorganized attachment style (anxious-avoidant) as I do, on one hand, there is such a strong desire for emotional and physical intimacy, and on the other hand, our brain is terribly afraid of it and builds up defenses. And this is reflected in everything. That’s why it can be so difficult to simply enjoy a massage and be in the moment at that time, in the bodily sensations, instead of “flying away” into thoughts or dissociating (switching off).

So much I want to tell. Over the last two weeks, I’ve been experiencing many emotions related to the future and to money. Today I saw a paradox very clearly. On one hand, I want silence so much and to allow myself to just be. But when life literally laid me down in bed, without even the possibility of listening to something on my phone, I saw how difficult it turns out to be to just allow oneself to be in this silence, to relax and do nothing.

For more than half the day, my head was spinning so badly that I couldn’t even get out of bed. Apparently, it's related to my ear and the drops I was using. Or maybe it’s because during the last few days I was trying to be productive and act “as if nothing happened” with a temperature of 37.8. And so I lie here and feel irritated. After all, I had planned to do certain things today. Then I started listening to a recording of the last group meeting, just to spend this time “usefully” somehow. Until I realized that this was worsening my condition, because the ear is inflamed and I just need to lie in silence. And then I remembered many mothers who lack this time so much, but when it finally comes, anxiety sets in.

First, I heard my perfectionist, thoughts about how many things need to be done. When I calmed it down, another program arrived and started simply “knocking me out,” and I suddenly felt very sleepy. But before falling asleep, I was still able to see where my fear of this silence comes from and why I fill it my whole life with anything - be it chores or information noise (movies, music, etc.).

I catch a similar state when I am with my daughter and she just wants to play with me. In that moment, the same defenses switch on: first, the perfectionist with an endless to-do list, and then comes a sudden fatigue, boredom, and I start to feel "the itch" to leave. It’s interesting how unusual it is for the brain to be in peace, silence, and simply live.

This leads me to the topic of the project. Recently, I was told that I treat my daughter like a project. And I couldn’t deny it, because for some of my internal protectors, that’s exactly how it is. A project called “how to raise a daughter without psychological trauma and with a secure attachment style.” And it’s as if there’s nothing wrong with that, but if you live from this state constantly and look at your daughter through the prism of all these instructions (for yourself, for the world, for her), then the daughter herself and the connection with her get lost in it.

I am glad that this doesn't switch on with her constantly and I can see her and relax in communication with her as much as is currently available to me. But I know for sure that I perceive myself as a project most of the time. This is a life with a sense of endless instructions on what kind of mother, wife, coach, woman, etc., I should be. Simply relaxing and letting myself live is a whole marathon. And today’s example with my dizziness highlighted this very well.

And if you translate this to the topic of money, which I have been actively analyzing these last few weeks, it explains everything. Money comes for life, for ease. And when there is so much tension and instructions inside, money simply cannot come because there is no life in it. Most likely, I will write about this more extensively when I experience this transformation myself. For now, my focus is on learning how to live without expectations for myself and the world.

What a beautiful, full, yellow moon. And a candle and my favorite music. Today I want to share my peace and my news with you.

Something very new happened today. My husband and I were sitting, and he was simply stroking my hand. And I felt just like I did in the group on my birthday. At first, the usual defense rose in the form of "prickles," like a slight control and irritation at some of his words. And then I allowed myself to be in vulnerability, and I simply started to cry. These tears were not from sadness or some "negative" emotion, but rather from a sense of closeness and connection. It’s a very pleasant experience, and I want to continue being in contact with him from vulnerability and openness.

And also, I made a decision that I had considered the worst-case scenario. But here, I didn't just agree to it, but saw many positive moments in it, and I even became interested in what would come of this experience. And it was as if a huge burden was lifted from me. After all, by resisting some decision day after day, we spend colossal energy and live in a sense that we need to survive. And most often, our resistance is because of some stories that the brain created around this event, and not because this option really doesn't suit us in reality. And this immediately created a sense of peace in me, because there is nothing left to resist.

This peace was noticed today in the group. And, by the way, here is a small example of how this burden of expectation works. Every time I join a group without any expectation, it turns out to be very useful for me. Today I didn't even get stressed by the fact that while I was in the group, I was simultaneously with my daughter. And this didn't stop me from participating and feeling calm.

Apparently, because a lot of free energy appeared inside after making that decision, a thought came to me about how I want to act in coaching going forward. Besides coaching, for a little less than the last six months, I’ve been leading a language group. And I decided to do this not for the sake of earning money, but simply out of interest. I wanted to try myself in a group format. And thanks to the fact that I treat this process lightly, I have no instructions for myself or for the participants. I give them what I know, and I have no expectation from them that they "should" learn it all or anything else.

When we were analyzing the topic of money in the group over the last weeks, we were shown the difference: that money goes to ease. And not to expectations. And here, I have exactly this ease, and I perceive this money as extra, and not as "salvation." But with coaching, a different story unfolded for me. After the masterclass, I saw how many expectations I had of myself and how much I had "stuck" onto money. For example, I really wanted to go to Spain to see my family, and this was one of the links that I stuck onto my potential income that I had planned for myself. And there were many such links, and one of them "should" have saved me from making that very decision.

And naturally, clients didn't come. After all, when there is such tension, who would want to participate; people sense this, and why would they "save" me with their money. Besides this, it also created that very instruction from the perfectionist about what the group should be, what I should be, and what transformation people should receive. And the reality is that I cannot transform anyone; I can only point the way and give the tools, and whether to apply them or not is the choice of the other person.

I kept thinking about how to approach the coaching group in the same way as the language one. And I found a solution that ignites interest in me instead of tension and expectations. I decided to launch a "laboratory group," in which I will give the same tools and knowledge, but I will remove that very monetary pressure.

These days I am actively letting go of everything related to my expectations. As it turned out, much of it is tied to sadness, fear, and despair from the loss of connection. For two days in a row, I lived through the "scariest" scenario that my brain can even imagine, and all the emotions associated with it. And I saw one specific scene because of which I took all these expectations upon myself.

When we want something very much, we often don’t see what lies beneath that desire. Everyone has their own stories and strong emotions that once got stuck in the body. For example, I saw why it’s hard for me to let go of things (furniture). When I look at each one individually, I can easily part with it, but collectively it was difficult to do - so much sadness arose. And so yesterday in practice I saw: every thing is dear to me because it reminds me of my cats, who are no longer here. My brain thinks that by letting go of the things, I will, as it were, lose the connection with them forever, and from this, there is a feeling as if my heart is breaking.

In practice, I lived through all those emotions. And that scene from which I began to set impossible goals for myself - goals that do not motivate but, on the contrary, lead to despair. I remembered how, at 18, I stood at the train station and said goodbye to my mother and sister. I cried so hard then that I thought I couldn't endure so much pain in my chest. And then I promised myself that I would do everything possible to earn enough to be able to come to them at any moment and for as long as I wanted.

And now, 14 years later, I saw that I haven't been living my life. Everything I did to achieve my goals was an attempt to realize that promise. Every goal of mine was permeated with this pain of parting. And no matter how unfair it may seem, where there are expectations, nothing works out. And where there is ease and the feeling that I will live quite comfortably even without this goal, everything falls into place.

Yesterday and today in practice, I allowed myself to finally cry those tears, that sadness. I let go of all those I was clinging to. I even imagined my child being taken away from me, and I lived through that despair. Now I feel lighter. I will see how my new state reflects on reality.

I adore attachment theory - even here it explains how the "world works." When we are in an anxious attachment toward a goal (for example, finding a job), employers sense this. Inside, the person has a feeling: "I need this job to save me from A, B, and C, or to get what I cannot live without." People sense this from miles away and want to distance themselves quickly. Outwardly, the behavior may be correct, but on an energetic level, it seems as if the person is chasing them - and they run away.

And when a person has an avoidant attachment style toward a goal, then that goal comes to them by itself. For example, I have that feeling toward corporate employment. I don't want to work there, and in those moments when I submitted a resume, I had a feeling: "if you refuse - I'm perfectly okay, and if you take me - you'll be very lucky that I deign to work for you" :) A completely different mindset, no attachment, no weight, and the goal is realized.

And also yesterday a situation occurred with my daughter that I wanted to write about. She was bathing and wanted to wipe her eyes with a dirty rag she uses to wash toys. I immediately tensed up and said "no." If I had stayed in my fear ("she will get an infection"), I would have continued to pressure and get irritated. But I was relaxed enough to inquire: why did she want that? It turned out her eyes were stinging. I offered a solution: wipe her eyes with a clean towel.

Here is a simple example of how the absence of our "horror stories" allows us to see the child and her real need. If I had continued to argue and be angry, I would never have understood what was happening on her side.

1/2 Where to start when I haven’t written for more than two months. I don’t even know. On one hand, I think that I probably need to make excuses somehow or at least bring you up to speed, but here I don’t feel like I want to write that. On the other hand, I would like to share a topic that I was living through the other day.

I was thinking about devaluation. About how many people evaluate themselves through some external signs, be it money, status, or some actions. And all these thoughts came because there was a period when I thought I got pregnant and all that time I was as if in a deep whirlpool. I realized later that it was a freezing of emotions and complete apathy. And not because I don’t want a second child; I do want one, and I believe that it’s already possible to start approaching this matter.

The thing is, a huge fear rose in me that I wouldn't be able to earn money again for some time and would thus continue to depend financially on my husband. And it’s as if I am making my contribution to our family, only it is non-material. And here I approached my pain, which I feel periodically, but it is rather overshadowed by automatisms like perfectionism and self-sacrifice.

I am talking about a sense of my own worthlessness. And here I tried to replace this word and find a less “dramatic” synonym, but this exact word describes how I felt. And the most interesting thing is that practically everyone around me tells me the opposite, and they are shocked that I feel this way. But for now, it is so, and apparently the time has come to work with this part.

How this works when we have this deep feeling (many call it a belief) - in our coaching, we call it the Brokenness metaprogram, the feeling that something is wrong with me and that the world won't accept me as I am. It is hard to live with this part and its emotions (shame, sadness, helplessness), and in childhood, so that the child “doesn’t go crazy,” various protectors come to the rescue. Someone will try to please others, someone to earn praise, and someone will believe that they are better than others, and so on. Anything, just not to feel that very deep pain.

But just because we please, or sacrifice ourselves, nothing changes. This is just external noise; we feel constant anxiety, bury ourselves in chores, and the feeling that I am valuable simply by right of birth never arrives. This is also interconnected with the attachment style. With a secure attachment style, a person lives with a basic feeling that they are loved simply because they exist. But with all other attachment styles, a person only knows conditional love. Like, you did this - good job, we love you; you didn’t do it - well, you know yourself...

And often our partners highlight this for us, because they are our mirrors and shine a flashlight where it hurts. We think that it's our partner who is so critical or only knows how to devalue. And in reality, they just strike with words what that deep part of us believes.

2/2 And here I felt pain for myself, and I also imagined how many mothers on maternity leave, all the time, without stopping, do something for their families, but think that their work is less important than their partner's work, because he brings in money... And it is enough for the partner to ask a simple question, “so what have you been doing all day today?” or say, “well, I’m the one earning,” for everything inside this mom to start turning upside down. And perhaps you have heard the example with hair color: if someone says “you have green hair” and you have any other color, you will most likely just smile, it won't affect you in any way, and you might think that the person has a problem with color recognition. But if you have just dyed your blonde a darker color, and your hair has a greenish tint, and you dislike it intensely, imagine what your reaction will be in this situation. The phrase is the same, but how you perceive it will be completely different.

In general, I was glad that I am not pregnant yet and can return to my breathing practices. And as soon as I started breathing, I just began to cry uncontrollably, remembering people who saw and see value in me. And it was sooooo painful and so sad that I don’t have this feeling inside. After the practice, I felt better, joy returned, and I went back to my tasks and plans. But I feel that the work is not yet finished. Although I have already seen the consequences of this work. I heard a phrase that previously would have hit this pain, but here there was a sense of absurdity and a lack of understanding of how I ended up in this reality. And it was easy and natural to stop this conversation.