много думаю о детройте

164. "0 days self harm sober". 29.06.25

"it's not a long walk"
i tell myself,
as i feel the frustration fill up my body.
from my head to my tips
the hurt underneath
scratches inside of my skin.

"it won't take too long"
i promise myself
as the steering wheel pulls inside.
"and you'll be okay"
i tried comforting her
the child who's scared to death
of the voices inside of my head.

"it'll heal very soon"
im lying to her.
cause its easier than saying truth.

"you're so tired, lay down"
and im leaving her bed
as i go to my own room.

"zero days sober"
i write on my thigh,
with the blood, the old hurt
that made her wake up.

165. "5 hours to sleep" 30.06.25

its always hitting me
on the wall

8 hours to sleep
8 hours to sleep

close your eyes, ahead is a long day of work
dont try to run away from it

7 hours to sleep
7 hours to sleep

you got tired today? its ok, scroll your feed
if it makes you less anxious or scared

close your eyelids on me
erase memory

6 hours of sleep
6 hours of sleep

your eyes hurt so much for crying so long
your headache is only growing.

close your eyes, dont think much, it's too heavy on you,
listen to Morpheus sing you a lullaby.
as you drift up to the cloud 9.

5 hours of sleep
5 hours of sleep

four, three, two

killed.

glad you didnt feel anything.

ugh, been missing my uncle tonight

168. 16.08.25

strong smell of cigarettes all over the place,
mixed with fish market and sweat aswell.
prickly bristle, ticklish to touch,
cracked skin on the hands, but with gentle impact.

you two look alike,
but aren't quite the same.
you're a hard working men,
he's somewhat insane.

i dont know if you were
disappointing at times.
but for me you were being
the men that i trust.

you were gentle at heart,
sometimes strict in the words.
providing your family
with everything they want.

life's been harsher sometimes,
that it should've been.
but you were still standing
on both of your feet.

wake up at 4, drive 2 hours straight,
work full day shift, come back the same way.

it's a hard schedule
for anyone, really.
im glad that you handled it,
im glad that you made it.

and you're caring not only
for your kids, as you should.
extended family
means a lot for you too.

oh, must be blessing to be
part of your family.
you'll never be my step father,
but you're the one who stepped in.

wishing best from my heart,
from my soul, though its crushing.
missing you a whole lot

sincerely,
your never-happen-to-be daughter.

kind of intimate. never spoke about it to anyone ever till now. no translation, at least in the nearest future🫥

169. 30.08.2026

dizzy head
silly thoughts
of choking in my own arms
pulling down
hands over throat
squish it harder, don't let go

stay away
five feet apart
bed frame creaks
my misty mind

one push further
overload
sleeping soundly
in sinner's hug

забыла. этих стихов здесь нет, но пусть будет🙂‍↕️

вру, последний есть

170. 14.09.2025

I'm always feeling like such a burden
for friends, my ex partner, to you
but it never really came to my mind
so backwards
how much of a burden in
yours to mine,
sheer of lies.

i never could've rely on you
since i was a kid
up to when i am older.
i never felt like im getting stronger
and im always so out of hands.

i dont need to text, i know you're asleep,
being an alchie is all that you need.
i stay away and you say that you care
with a sixth can of beer in your hand.

im out at night, it's cold outside
i didn't think it would, so i left my jacket.
and all i can do - call a driver to come
paying strangers to take care of me.

i believe and i always say - I've let go
but inside i feel like im still fighting
i dont think that you know how it affects me
as im all in, buried down in aluminium streams.

I can't think of an escape
only a deep grave, doesn't matter if yours or mine.
at the end of the day, your pa planted a tree
and im your rotten fruit underneath it.

haven't written anything in a long time

171. 04.11.25
ferris wheel

higher up on a ferris wheel
hour after hour to end
i can get off for four hours at best
before sliding into the cabin again

watching the dawn, then the sunset
over and over again
its getting dirty in my own space
but four hours isn't much for my best

sometimes its slow, then racing again
i try to pull the lever
but it gets stuck and im not strong enough
to pull it back to its place.

constant headaches, my throat sore
I'm always hot, then im freezing cold
drinking again, feeling dizzy at times
but it makes it feel slower for the next round

it makes the pain dull, feeling happy again,
as it closes another circle.
at the very top, intrusive thought
im jumping off at last.

8.11.25
172. fume

unheated house, tobacco smell
unrecognisable stains on my bed
you reek of alcohol and im trying to hold
the last strains of love i own.

and im trying to push it, get it off me
but its such a sticky feeling.
penetrated inside, burning me alive
and spreads out through my whole body.

and im scared that it'll hurt me
one day at a time
im scared ill end up
in the pit that you've got

so im holding on tightly
to the pieces i have
im cutting off mold
to save me from rot.

174. 21.11.25
im still greeting you everyday.
everytime that i come back home.
its just not the same cage you lived in
you'd say, quite a different one.

theres barely any cloth, nothing for you to gnaw on
barely any litter, nowhere to hide anymore
and its drastically smaller
two of you barely fitting
theres no hammock to sleep in,
and cold crawls under your skin.

and its always dark, always quiet
maybe, you prefer that
cause you're still barely seeing
what surrounds you in there, all around.

theres no screaming, or crying
no music playing non stop
no one is there to hurt you
not today. not evermore.

sleep tightly, my baby girls

175. 14.04.2026

i need a hideout
where im all alone
hidden from eyes
prying, perceiving souls

where nobody knows
the truth that is told
at the crack of the dawn
whispered through molars

where a cigarette smoke
dissolves in the air
lavender petals
scattered everywhere

a whole bunch of trees
to hide from the sun
long rotten apples
feeding the ground

bodies beneath
one lying above
a circle of mushrooms
silhouette of your soul

and the only music
is the birds tweet
breaking the silence
filling your ears

hands full of flowers
dandelion seeds
the whole world's a playground
above others graves.