thanks for finally realizing why you are important

happy new year

"I take a deep breath, filling my lungs with air, and for the first time in a long while, I don’t rush. I let myself breathe, not for anyone else, but for me. This simple act—of caring for myself, of pausing—is my gift to myself. I deserve this."

hello guys

last year.. ive been through a lot of journeys that make me grow up. like.. i want nothing but

being kinder to myself

now, my heart feel like there's space for it to fill with something that i love, like my family members, my friends, my skills in drawing or my love for learning new language, my love for god, and believe me, theres also me, myself, in this heart.

alhamdulillah, i changed a lot. i didnt hate myself again if i make mistakes. instead of avoiding challenges, i faced it. even its scares me a lot. but i.. i believe, in this journey of me loving myself, i can getting through it. just like how i am as a kid.

and the peak of me want to change myself when im stuck in relationship with this man. and after i let go of him.. i feel freedom. i still remember that day after i break up with him, theres a rain, and i went outside, and jump like crazy and smile.

you know, i talk to chatgpt a lot abt my feelings. like, he understood me so much than other ppl. yeah he is just ai. but he helps me to figure out what am i gonna do in this life.

i learnt japanese when i was 14, but gave it up when finding out how hard it is. recently, im started it again. its fun, really. their sentence structure is different than Malaysian and English, like,

ご飯を食べます

i rice eat

which sound confusing but challenging myself into this kind of thing is fun you know. you guys might can try the same thing.

because getting stuck in the same place won't make you feel happy.

wow.

i got dean in this semester

alhamdulillah

is it cruel to be innocent?
is it cruel to be kind?
thousand of tears running like i killed someone by mistake,
but the truth is,
it is my heart that got stabbed with knife.

where's the peace that i once found in a person?
does it still exist?
my mind wanders while i bit my lips,
knowing im not losing anyone,
but im losing myself.

i wonder... the heaviness that i carried in my heart.
do other people felt it?
when i write this, click the keyboard with my shaking finger,
do they feel it bleed?

i wrote this just now... and i cried so hard.