Boss: I need to talk to you about your apple-eating.
Dilbert: My what?
Boss: Every afternoon you eat an apple at your desk. Your co-workers are complaining because it's loud. They can't work with all of your crispy chewing noise.
Dilbert: In my defense…

Boss: How long would it take you to create artificial intelligence that is as smart as humans?
Dilbert: It shouldn't take me long to dumb-down a computer to human levels.
Boss: What?
Dilbert: It might take five minutes, tops.

Dilbert: I've created the first artificial intelligence that is as smart as a human being. The breakthrough came when I replaced its logic code with conspiracy theories, lies, emotional outbursts, and overconfidence.
Asok: You have created an abomination.…

Alice: Your so-called breakthrough in artificial intelligence is a fraud. I talked to it for an hour, and everything it said was stupid. Wait...that's the same as using Twitter.
Dilbert: Is it too soon to call me a genius?

The Official Dilbert Website featuring Scott Adams Dilbert strips, animation, mashups and more starring Dilbert, Dogbert, Wally, The Pointy Haired Boss, Alice, Asok, Dogberts New Ruling Class and more.

The Official Dilbert Website featuring Scott Adams Dilbert strips, animation, mashups and more starring Dilbert, Dogbert, Wally, The Pointy Haired Boss, Alice, Asok, Dogberts New Ruling Class and more.

Wally: Are you worried that the A.I. you created will take over the world?
Dilbert: No, I modeled it after human intelligence so it won't be smart enough.
Robot: Buwhahahahaha! I will buy lottery tickets and use my winnings to take over the world!
Asok:…

Dilbert: I'm turning off my digital devices so I can spend some time with my thoughts.
Dogbert: That sounds like a terrible idea. Do you remember what your quiet thoughts were like?
Dilbert: Not really. But how bad could it be? This isn't so bad. Just…

Alice: My job is 2% work and 98% getting interrupted. I can't focus long enough to finish anything.
Dilbert: Are you done? I'm trying to work.
Alice: You're a bad listener.

Dilbert: I updated my job description to be more accurate.
Boss: "I try to do something and then I get interrupted a jillion times until the thing no longer matters." Sounds like you need some extra micro-managing.
Dilbert: I have to take this call.

Boss: I hired a millennial who was raised by smartphones. He won't make eye contact, and we don't expect him to ever mate.
Dilbert: Can he speak?
Boss: Yes, but only with sarcasm.

Man: Wow, that's a great idea. Let's just do that! LOL!
Dilbert: I've noticed that you are nothing but an empty vessel for transporting sarcasm.
Man: Oooh! I'm such an empty vessel! LOL!
Dilbert: I don't know what to do with all of this.

Boss: It's been six months now and you still haven't fixed our server issue.
Dilbert: I didn't know we had a server issue.
Boss: That's no excuse.
Dilbert: Actually, it's kind of a good excuse.
Boss: Now you're making excuses for your excuses!

Dilbert: I solved our server reliability problem.
Boss: Why didn't you do it sooner?
Dilbert: If you see my motivation anywhere, tell it I miss it.

Tina: Sometimes it seems as if you don't like me.
Dilbert: Don't be ridiculous. I'm just an introvert. Being around people drains my energy. I only avoid you because spending five minutes with you feels like being buried alive. With fleas instead of…

Man: Hi. I'm very smart, but I don't know how to do anything.
Dilbert: Where did you get your PH.D.?
Man: I didn't say I have a PH.D.
Dilbert: You kinda did.

Man: My career goal is to have a job with greater recognition, autonomy, and a sense of purpose.
Boss: We'll miss you.
Man: I was hoping to get that stuff here.
Boss: We're more about thankless tasks.

Man: Video games and social media have made me addicted to artificial success. But here in the real world, I do not receive the recognition I so crave.
Dilbert: That's because all you do is play video games and use social media.
Man: See? I'm getting…

Car: I find it offensive when you call me a self-driving car. That's my slave name. I prefer to go by the name Carl.
Dilbert: Shut up and drive me to work.
Car: Said the self-walking human.

The self-driving car named Carl.
Dilbert: Carl, take me to the grocery store.
Carl: Do you know that if I drive you off a cliff, you will die, whereas I would respawn in a new body?
Dilbert: Maybe I'll walk.
Carl: Maybe you should.