Carol: I put a candy bowl on my desk, and someone stole the entire bowl within five minutes. I'm old enough to remember when the honor system meant something. What happened to trust?
Boss: Maybe the candy wasn't as good back then.

The Official Dilbert Website featuring Scott Adams Dilbert strips, animation, mashups and more starring Dilbert, Dogbert, Wally, The Pointy Haired Boss, Alice, Asok, Dogberts New Ruling Class and more.

Boss: The inspirational poster I put in the break room isn't working. I asked around and no one is soaring with the eagles.
Catbert: Is the poster defective?
Boss: That's the only explanation that makes sense.

The Official Dilbert Website featuring Scott Adams Dilbert strips, animation, mashups and more starring Dilbert, Dogbert, Wally, The Pointy Haired Boss, Alice, Asok, Dogberts New Ruling Class and more.

The Official Dilbert Website featuring Scott Adams Dilbert strips, animation, mashups and more starring Dilbert, Dogbert, Wally, The Pointy Haired Boss, Alice, Asok, Dogberts New Ruling Class and more.

Boss: The laser communication prototype you built for NASA accidentally vaporized the alien ship heading our way. If it got off a message to its home planet, your stupidity has doomed humanity to annihilation. Also, you didn't complete your mandatory training…

Man: Do you have the test data?
Dilbert: No. Ask Ted.
Man: Ted said you have it.
Dilbert: I say Ted has it.
Man: One of you must dislike me.
Dilbert: That's not true. It could be both of us.

The Official Dilbert Website featuring Scott Adams Dilbert strips, animation, mashups and more starring Dilbert, Dogbert, Wally, The Pointy Haired Boss, Alice, Asok, Dogberts New Ruling Class and more.

Boss: And that's my vision for the company.
Dilbert: All you did was list the projects we are already working on while making it sound like astrology.
Boss: In my defense, I didn't think any of you were listening.

Boss: I need you to work with old Ned on this project. He's a little bit old-fashioned, but don't let that get to you. He retires in six months.
Alice: I've been asked to work with you.
Ned: Women have jobs now? ? ?

Ned: They call me "Old Ned as if I haven't kept up with the times. But watch me tell you to fetch me some coffee from Starbucks just like the young folks do.
Alice: I'm a senior software engineer.
Ned: I'm not getting any less thirsty here.

Alice: I can't work with old Ned. He's a sexist, racist, bigoted troglodyte.
Catbert: Name-calling is not allowed in this company. I sentence you to three weeks of mandatory training.
Alice: I could trangle you with your own tail.
Catbert: Six weeks!

The Official Dilbert Website featuring Scott Adams Dilbert strips, animation, mashups and more starring Dilbert, Dogbert, Wally, The Pointy Haired Boss, Alice, Asok, Dogberts New Ruling Class and more.

Dilbert: Happy random calendar date. I'll be celebrating by doing nothing fun or useful all day because everything is closed.
Dogbert: You could visit your mom.
Dilbert: How's that different from what I just said?

Boss: The rumors of a major layoff are completely untrue.
Dilbert: Why did the facilities management people just deliver a huge load of cardboard boxes to the break room?
Boss: You can never have too many boxes.
Dilbert: Why does every box have an employee…

Boss: Ted, come to my office at five o'clock.
Ted: Gaaa!!! That's what you say when you plan to fire people!
Boss: Don't be ridiculous. Also, bring your keys.

Dilbert: Can I have a 25% raise to get my compensation up to market levels?
Boss: No.
Dilbert: Okay. I'll just work 25% less because you won't know the difference.
Boss: I would know if you did that.
Dilbert: Should I get back to separating the zeroes…

Boss: The engineers think I don't understand what they do all day.
Catbert: Maybe it's because you don't.
Boss: You too?
Wally: My project is late because I had to twizzle the flurm.
Boss: Okay, that sounds right.