I asked myself who am I.

And I thought about the answer.
I think I'm a coin.

One side is what I see, know and understand - side A.
The other side is what others see, know and understand about me - side B.
Some parts of the coin might be different, some parts of the sides might be the same.
But still, two sides are interconnected and form a singular "something", and that "something" is what I am.
Because my view influences the view of others, and view of others influences mine.
They are different, but interconnected.
Joined, but separate.

The sides don't mirror each other, they shape each other.
To be even more precise:
I'm a coin that only lands for one side for others, and they see only what they want to see.
So for each person that looks, side B will be different.
And the interconnections of different images on side B might influence side A.
Strong images on side B might also influence side A.

Each person "mints" their own version of me.
One sees a tired man, one sees a fanatic, one sees a degenerate.
They're all looking at the same coin and seeing different engravings.
And those versions aren't "fake" or wrong, they are incomplete.
Every observer generates a partial truth.
Every relationship, every conversation, every fear etches a new symbol onto their version of the coin.

But the coin will always remain a coin.
No matter what happens, no matter who holds it.

I think that in a human being you have three absolutes:
The machine, the flesh and the divine.

In which the machine is the brain, logical thinking, etc., the flesh is the body, emotions, etc., and the divine is the spiritual part.
And spirit not in the meaning of religion

But a lot of people get that exactly from that

Spirit comes from sense and fulfillment.
It's not a physical need and not a psychological one.
It's more existential in its premise.

And to live in peace with yourself and the world, you have to fulfil your needs in all three directions.
And everyone has different needs.

And these three should be contained in a balance.
A balance between your body, your mind and your spirit.

You know what I can say?
The world was, and probably is cruel to me.
I feel unsafe, and probably never really felt safe.
I keep trying to form something around me to keep me from harm, trying to prove to myself that I am worth something, trying to escape from the world into everything but the world itself - alcohol, games, relationships, work.

Two words come that can be the issue for everything - comfort and safety.

I have not much of any of those.
Not in people, not at home, nowhere really.
And often there is a self-defensive self-isolating mask of sarcasm.

Comfort and safety is what I lack, and it might be what I need to fix my shit up.

The world is not wholly broken or wholly beautiful.
It is made of contradictory parts, and maturity is learning to see both without lying about either.

One day I'll be strong enough to accept the scars on my hands.

I am a story, I am the writer.
I am a dreamer, I am the Nightmare.

I love looking into the sky.

The sky is such an intriguing concept for us, who are destined to walk below it.
When we pray to our gods - we look to the sky, when we think about the world - we look up.
But what makes a person look down?

Because for years I was looking down.
Depression, tiredness, grief, anger.
All of these make you close up.
You observe your surroundings instead of the sky.
You analyze threats instead of wondering.
You hurt instead of dreaming.

But lately I started to look into the sky again.
The clouds, the sun, the stars.
The beautiful limitless blue.
The warmth of the rays.
The intriguing forms of the clouds.
The amazing gradients of rainy grey pillows.

It is amazing that we sometimes limit ourselves from noticing this beauty.
And I hope that everyone who is limiting right now, looks into the sky with wonder again.

And you, when was the last time you adored the sky?