I’m at that stage of life where my back goes out more than I do

I have everything under control. It's just that control has left the building.

My patience has a mute button, and people keep pressing it

I’m not arguing. I’m just explaining why I’m right.

My life peaked during the loading screen

Common sense and I keep missing each other

I don't need enemies; my own decisions are very committed

I've got 99 problems, and most of them were approved by me

I'm not unlucky. I'm just the universe's favourite beta tester

The only thing consistent in my life is inconsistency

My motivation left without leaving a forwarding address

My autobiography would be called Well... That Didn't Work

If karma exists, it's got me on speed dial

I'm not lost—I just have a very creative route

My backup plan needs a backup plan

I'm not a pessimist. I'm just pre-disappointed

I've mastered the art of looking busy while my brain is buffering

Every time I get my life together, reality sends a software update

I'm living proof that 'it could be worse' is not comforting

I survived another day out of pure confusion

I don't have trust issues. I have pattern recognition