My autobiography would be called Well... That Didn't Work

If karma exists, it's got me on speed dial

I'm not lost—I just have a very creative route

My backup plan needs a backup plan

I'm not a pessimist. I'm just pre-disappointed

I've mastered the art of looking busy while my brain is buffering

Every time I get my life together, reality sends a software update

I'm living proof that 'it could be worse' is not comforting

I survived another day out of pure confusion

I don't have trust issues. I have pattern recognition

The bar was already low, yet somehow I brought a shovel

I'm the human version of 'We'll fix it in the next update

Everything happens for a reason. Mine just hasn't been patched yet

If life is a game, I accidentally picked nightmare difficulty.

My coping mechanism has coping mechanisms

I'm not afraid of failure. We're old friends

My life is like a horror movie, except the budget is terrible

I put the 'pro' in procrastination

If bad decisions were an Olympic sport, I'd have a lifetime ban for winning too much

I'm not unlucky. I'm just statistically impressive