Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.

I love deadlines. Especially the sound they make as they fly past me.

I finally got my life together. Five minutes later, it fell apart again.

My life is a perfect example of how not to do things

My level of maturity depends on who I'm dealing with

Some people bring happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

I don't have bad luck. I just have a very creative universe.

The good news is I've learned from my mistakes. The bad news is I'm thinking of making a few more

I'm not saying I hate people, but my favorite part of the day is when they leave.

I started with nothing, and I still have most of it.

I trust people. It's their actions that disappoint me.

Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is poor decision-making

If stupidity burned calories, some people would be supermodels."

I'm not lazy. I'm on energy-saving mode.

Life's a journey. Mine seems to be taking the scenic route through chaos.

The older I get, the more I understand villains

I'm not okay, but I'm hilarious

My expectations were low, but somehow reality limboed under them

Surviving out of pure spite

Mentally? I'm on airplane mode

I don't hold grudges. I remember facts