Damned if you do, damned if you don't

I feel like I'm going mad.

Me 34F *exists* never so much as been on a date, has been using use ace label the past 3-4 years, wears an ace pin on my work lanyard, tells friends when they ask that I've never dated and that I don't think that I want to, (although I do still visibly find it difficult and uncomfortable to talk about). Extreme social anxiety, working on it with doctor and counsellor. Social anxiety spikes around men since I don't know how to act, since it's really difficult to predict how people will react around an emotion you've never felt. Work in a field where the higher levels are almost completely male dominated so most of my colleagues my age are male (although 99% of junior members are female...). Tries harder to interact with men as kind of exposure therapy and because I'm genuinely worried I'm becoming misandronous (an aside: I was worried I was becoming misandronous because I read and watch an awful lot of thrillers and murder mysteries, 99% of which depict violence against women perpetrated by men. However, I can honestly say that spending more time with my male colleagues and being constantly patronised and consdescended to by them, even around work tasks that I taught THEM, has made me more misandronous than anything else...). And, honestly, because I'm lonely and they are the nearest and easiest possiblity to make FRIENDS with. Interactions:

Guy #1: Same age as my little brother (who's 7 years younger than me). Find him sooo young - he has the same existentialist-lite^(TM) philosophical point of view of every 13 year old girl and thinks it's edgy. I treat him with a touch of (what I think is) indulgent, big sister energy.
Them: "Ooo do you lliiiikkkkeee him?!?" or comments implying this
Me: "huh, what, no?!?"
Them: "uh huh, yeah suuurreeee" *smirks* *continues making little comments*
Me: "huh?"
Guy #2: male colleague who's...fine. I'm don't have many opinions on him one way or the other, he's just always there and reliably up for going to the pub. A couple of times he's asked around if people want to go to the pub after work. I'm free. No one else is. I really, really don't want to go with him alone as 1-1 socialising triggers my social anxiety and I find him boring as hell as we've never been able to keep a 1-1 conversation going. Say "oh well, next time" or awkwardly don't say anything and just go home after work.
Them: seem to think the fact that I DON'T want to spend time with him alone means that I llliiikkkeeee him?!? Can anyone explain this to me? Why would the fact that SPENDING TIME ALONE WITH HIM WOULD BE A CIRCLE OF HELL TAILORED JUST FOR ME make them think that I LIKE him rather than the truth that I DON'T particularly like him. Maybe because I was awkward about it? But I was awkward because you can't really tell someone that you'd rather swallow glass than spend time with them 1-1...
Did I mention he has a girlfriend? I realise I have before made the naive assumption before that men in relationships are "safe" to be around without having to guard against this kind of misunderstanding, because how could I like him if he's taken? And have then had little disaproving looks and remarks aimed at me for being overly familiar with a claimed man... and I bet you ANYTHING I would have gotten the same thing if I had regularly gone to the pub with Guy #2 alone...
Guy #3: male colleague who's...also fine. A bit condescending... He's Irish and has the typical Irish sense of humour making fun of everyone and everything. I give as good as I get as I'M NOT A F@#!ING DOORMAT and don't want to just smile sweetly and take his patronising "jokes"
Them: Oooo you two are flirting tee hee
Me: what?!?! He's literally being sooooo patronising and I hate it and react against it! What is wrong with you people that you think men should treat women this way and it's a sign of attraction??
Guy #4: Guy joins workplace. I feel a little sorry for since he's terribly sheltered and a little ignorant and socially a little

inept, as he's a know-it-all that rubs people up the wrong way. I try to be nice because I always try to be nice to EVERYONE, that's just who I am. I certainly don't think I treated him any differently than I would anyone else.
Them: comments upon comments implying Oooo do you llliiikkkeeee him?
Me: Ah ha! I know this one from my experience with Guy #1! If I react too strongly in the negative, they'll think I'm protesting too much and assume I'm lying to cover up my embarrassment. This time, I'll just ignore the comments, and make sure that he knows I'm ace and uninterested in dating/relationships/anything, and even make jokes about how we might be related since my mother's maiden name and his are the same from the same place.
Them: little comments build and build and get more and more blatant
Me: ffs

The even worse bits:

At some point, someone starts sending Guy #2 annonymous love letters. I'm not 100% convinced they weren't supposed to be from me as some weird way of trying to get us together... but that would be insane, right? Right? RIGHT?!?!? Why would anyone do that? Who spends so much time thinking about other people and who likes who that they would do that...ESPECIALLY PEOPLE WHO ARE IN THEIR LATE 20s, EARLY 30s NOT IN MIDDLE SCHOOL
This one is really really bad. The comments with Guy #4 reach such a fever pitch that one of my "friends" actually decides to lie to my face and tell me that Guy #4 asked her to find out from me whether his "more-than-friend" feelings for me are returned. I go home and have a panic attack. I panic for a month not sure what to do. Out of Guys 1-4, Guy #4 is the one I have liked the most PLATONICALLY. I like chatting to him as he's super chatty and that helps with my social anxiety knowing that he can fill in any awkward pauses. I find I kinda like the idea that he is attracted to me. At this point I'm 32 and never been on a date. I am curious though, and decide that this is my chance to try something and see what happens. I put on my big girl boots and ask him out (while having a huge panic attack) over WhatsApp. He responds that he just thinks of us as friends. I find I'm relieved more than anything and realise that I don't think I could have gone through with any of it. Still confused though - why did he go to my friend then?? I find out much later that my "friend" lied to me.
Point 1: How INSANE do you have to be to lie to someone like that. I've mentioned before about not wanting to be in a relationship and she has said the infamous line "you just need to find the right person" which was bad enough. But to try and FORCE something like this?!?! How dare you! I feel like I'm treated like a child who won't eat my vegetables and therefore needs to be tricked into doing so because "it's good for me"..
Point 2: It's INSANE the number of people who, when I told them that I was relieved more than anything when he turned me down, have smiled at me sadly and said, "Do you think that might actually just be because you were scared and now you were let off the hook from having to do the scary thing." "No, I think it's because I didn't actually want it in the first place, I just thought I should give it a go just to stop the people telling me, you don't know until you try it!" "hmmm" *another small sad smile and pitying head tilt*

I feel like I'm going crazy, I don't know how to act or what to do. People don't believe me and treat me like I'm a child who doesn't know what I want. I also want to scream at them sometimes "why are you so obsessed with me?" why do they care so much about trying to force me to date? I don't get it and I just want to scream and throw things.T

https://redd.it/1oft78s
@asexualityonreddit

Repugnant Society and Cruel People

Like anyone else of this era I consume social media, I've got a TikTok account, an X/twitter, an Instagram... Frequently there will be spats between groups on there. Right wingers and leftists, men and women, cats and dogs.

One of the first ways these people insult eachother is by claiming they don't get sex, there incels, their autistic virgins or what not.

Is society just all sex? Is everything how much sex you get, how pretty you are and how good your genes are?

I have a loving fiance, I think I won, but because I dislike sex ive lost?

https://redd.it/1ofvxd8
@asexualityonreddit

Idk if i am overreacting/ the only one noticing this. But this needs to be talked more
https://redd.it/1ofw986
@asexualityonreddit

Unless I adopt, y’all are outta luck
https://redd.it/1ofy89x
@asexualityonreddit

How i feel after finding out an intimacy that i assumed is non-sexual is actually sexual for most people
https://redd.it/1ofwuv2
@asexualityonreddit

What should you say to an Aphobic person?

I have previously just used their arguments against them, ex "asexuals dont exist its against nature", well then allosexuals must not either. "its not normal" Normal is a social construct.

https://redd.it/1og4b4f
@asexualityonreddit

How i feel after finding out an intimacy that i assumed is non-sexual is actually sexual for most people
https://redd.it/1og4x1c
@asexualityonreddit

Aphobia is weird

I’m not asexual, I’m just voluntarily celibate. BUT. I just don’t understand aphobia, how could someone hate another person because they don’t want sex…
…like what? What do you mean you’re seething at the idea that someone doesn’t fancy sex? That’s objectively old creepy man mentality.
Ew.

https://redd.it/1og4030
@asexualityonreddit

DnD pride keychains I made
https://www.reddit.com/gallery/1og2hrk

https://redd.it/1og2isf
@asexualityonreddit

How did you find out you were cupiosexual?
https://redd.it/1og73ea
@asexualityonreddit

I think I might be aromantic

Im 15, and have an extremely close best friend who for a long time, I thought I had a crush on. I told him a while back and he rejected me, no hard feelings we’re still best friends. A couple weeks ago I got a boyfriend who i broke up with yesterday because I thought I just didn’t like him. Whenever he would kiss me, or hold my hand, or try anything romantic it would just feel weird and wrong, and I thought it was just cuz maybe I still liked my best friend. But when I really think about it, I wouldn’t want to do any of that with my best friend too, or anyone. With this best friend it’s like, I thought I liked him cuz I wanna spend my life close with him and I think he’s handsome and funny and stuff, but I don’t think I’d want to do anything romantic, I think that stuff is just mostly weird and cringe. I’m still sexually/aesthetically attracted to people, like when someone is hot I’m gonna feel attracted to them, but I don’t think I’d want a romantic relationship unless it was someone I really cared for and it would just be so they’re happy, I’d be just ok with being romantic if that makes sense. I know I’m really young though so I’m not sure if this is just me being young or what, but when I think about the idea of being aromantic it’s freeing in a way? If that makes sense lol? But yea. So I was just wondering if anyone else would have advice/similar experiences/etc etc! Thanks!!!! :)

https://redd.it/1ogd6rj
@asexualityonreddit

told a friend i'm asexual

happened earlier this week. i usually try to just avoid the topic because not everyone understands it. but it came up because we've both recently realised his best friend is interested in me and he asked me about it. he doesn't know for sure but based on what his best friend has done for me, it's out of the ordinary. but because he's also my friend and he sees my like a little sister type of thing, he wanted to know more about my view of things.

so he was asking me what do i feel for his friend etc. and i didn't know how to respond so in the end i told him i'm aroace, although i am open to dating. initially i overexplained and said something about maybe something is wrong with my hormones. but then he told me he's aware about that because his wife had explained it to him before. it made me feel lighter. and then he went on to reassure me he gets it even though i felt awkward to continue the conversation at that point.

so yesterday we had an event and his wife showed up so i talked to his wife. before this we never had the chance to meet, but i did indirectly communicate with his wife via him and vice versa. i thought she would be a cool person to talk to which turned out to be true. she told me she herself is queer (not ace but still) so she understands asexuality. which was nice to hear because before her, even bisexuals and lesbians i knew personally never understood asexuality. the only person i knew irl who understood it is asexual herself so it's really rare that someone gets all understanding when i have to explain why i have no interest in certain topics.

honestly i'm never really big on coming out to people, it's something i never cared about because to me my sexuality is my own business. but this felt quite lightening because for awhile i did want to bring up to my friend the topic of his best friend and in the end it happened with a good conclusion. plus i made a new friend in his wife lol.

https://redd.it/1ogbpao
@asexualityonreddit

Assexual with high libido?

Basically, as the title suggests

I usually have a high libido but self pleasure is enough for me. Have tried sex in many different ways and honestly can't even get it up most of the times with other people. Never understood my friends who "had to f*ck" and would go out with any tinder date just for it.

Even when I'm in a relationship I prefer self pleasure instead of pursuing my partner.

Does this make me ace? Honestly the only thing I "miss" about sex is the idea of intimacy. Which in itself kind of shows I'm not "pleased" by sex? If the only thing I miss is the idealized intimacy of the situation.

I've always been kind, considerate in my past relationships, did surprise dates, flowers, communication, just an overall healthy relationship . But all of them have ended due to sex related issues. I'm not "bad" in bed, I simply never pursued them sexually because I wasn't interested in that, and they didn't feel "desired".

I'm curious if any assexuals here have a similar experience of having a high libido but no interest in sex. Therapy hasn't helped much and I'm curious if I'm ace or just have some sort of blockage with sex (maybe not feeling comfortable with others, don't like feeling vulnerable, etc)

https://redd.it/1ogegcu
@asexualityonreddit

how do aces date allos?

I'm ace and I would definitely prefer an asexual partner because I feel like I'd feel almost uncomfortable(?) with a sexual partner, but ik that's pretty uncommon (to find aces). For those who are dating allos, how do they idk manage their libido(?) without hooking up or having sex w you?

https://redd.it/1og9jqk
@asexualityonreddit

Made this small "bracelet" of the asexual flag (Might change flair)
https://redd.it/1ogimpd
@asexualityonreddit

Made garlic bread to celebrate Ace Week yesterday! Plus my outfits from the week and a lanyard and some dice I made

https://redd.it/1oghzmi
@asexualityonreddit