My girlfriend cannot accept the fact that I have fetishes
Me (23M) and my girlfriend (22F) have been dating for 2+ years, she is ace and I'm allo. We started the relationship being very clear about her asexuality and boundaries regarding sex. While I experience sexual attraction and libido, I find sex to be pretty disgusting, dirty, and painful, so I do not crave it at all. This was what we established: no sex because neither party likes it. However, she is very aware that I still have fetishes, some of them with sexual undertones or implications, but nothing related to direct sex. I watch porn and masturbate to them, but again ones without any form of penetration involved, just sexually charged acts. Some of my fetishes are also just related to articles of clothing. In fact, when we started dating, she suggested buying and wearing some of them for me since she knows I like them. We did it once or twice, but stopped after I noticed that she was uncomfortable, and I didn't want her to force herself to do something for my sake. Afterwards, our relationship stayed pretty "clean". We cuddle pretty often, but that is the extent of our physical intimacy - just some hugs and her sitting on my lap and such.
Fast forward to a few days ago, she caught me scrolling Insta on my burner account and saw stuff related to my fetishes. I didn't think much of it, just went about our date and went home like usual afterwards. But I knew something was wrong when she started replying to my texts very sporadically and unenthusiastically (we don't live close to each other), culminating in the big reveal she told me just now: she is upset that I have fetishes. She said that it slipped her mind that I still have sexual needs, albeit not explicit sex, because we have mostly steered clear of everything of that sort in our relationship. But now that she got reminded, she thought about it and got very uncomfortable about the fact that I have them, and decided she cannot accept it. And she knows that this is not something I can change, so I am guessing she is pushing the conversation towards a breakup.
I haven't replied to her yet, because I guess I am still a bit bewildered and haven't fully let the situation sink in. I just felt like this came out of nowhere(?), because we were happy, I was happy, being with her without needing anything of that nature. And it is not like she doesn't know my fetishes, in fact she asked for a very clear explanation and example for each of them when we started dating so she can be more informed. And I have communicated to her before that I am perfectly fine without doing anything related to my fetishes irl (just like the last 2 years we spent together). To me, it is like satisfying my innate desire for violence by playing FPS or fighting games. I don't want to shoot or beat up anyone irl of course, but it is cathartic to do so in an imaginary medium. The same goes for my fetishes and porn/masturbation. And the baseline is, I really really love my girlfriend, so I don't know what to say to her in this instance. I am afraid any little move I make will just topple the house of cards and lead to something I will regret. Some insight will be greatly appreciated, thank you to all you guys in advance!
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Me (23M) and my girlfriend (22F) have been dating for 2+ years, she is ace and I'm allo. We started the relationship being very clear about her asexuality and boundaries regarding sex. While I experience sexual attraction and libido, I find sex to be pretty disgusting, dirty, and painful, so I do not crave it at all. This was what we established: no sex because neither party likes it. However, she is very aware that I still have fetishes, some of them with sexual undertones or implications, but nothing related to direct sex. I watch porn and masturbate to them, but again ones without any form of penetration involved, just sexually charged acts. Some of my fetishes are also just related to articles of clothing. In fact, when we started dating, she suggested buying and wearing some of them for me since she knows I like them. We did it once or twice, but stopped after I noticed that she was uncomfortable, and I didn't want her to force herself to do something for my sake. Afterwards, our relationship stayed pretty "clean". We cuddle pretty often, but that is the extent of our physical intimacy - just some hugs and her sitting on my lap and such.
Fast forward to a few days ago, she caught me scrolling Insta on my burner account and saw stuff related to my fetishes. I didn't think much of it, just went about our date and went home like usual afterwards. But I knew something was wrong when she started replying to my texts very sporadically and unenthusiastically (we don't live close to each other), culminating in the big reveal she told me just now: she is upset that I have fetishes. She said that it slipped her mind that I still have sexual needs, albeit not explicit sex, because we have mostly steered clear of everything of that sort in our relationship. But now that she got reminded, she thought about it and got very uncomfortable about the fact that I have them, and decided she cannot accept it. And she knows that this is not something I can change, so I am guessing she is pushing the conversation towards a breakup.
I haven't replied to her yet, because I guess I am still a bit bewildered and haven't fully let the situation sink in. I just felt like this came out of nowhere(?), because we were happy, I was happy, being with her without needing anything of that nature. And it is not like she doesn't know my fetishes, in fact she asked for a very clear explanation and example for each of them when we started dating so she can be more informed. And I have communicated to her before that I am perfectly fine without doing anything related to my fetishes irl (just like the last 2 years we spent together). To me, it is like satisfying my innate desire for violence by playing FPS or fighting games. I don't want to shoot or beat up anyone irl of course, but it is cathartic to do so in an imaginary medium. The same goes for my fetishes and porn/masturbation. And the baseline is, I really really love my girlfriend, so I don't know what to say to her in this instance. I am afraid any little move I make will just topple the house of cards and lead to something I will regret. Some insight will be greatly appreciated, thank you to all you guys in advance!
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Im not ace but a have a question
Sorry if I’m being intrusive by asking this as an aroallo I have nothing to do with this subreddit, but just to know. How do you keep your asexuality from “getting in the way” (so to speak) of your allosexual partners?
I’m so sorry if it sounded rude or something like that I’m just curious :’)
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Sorry if I’m being intrusive by asking this as an aroallo I have nothing to do with this subreddit, but just to know. How do you keep your asexuality from “getting in the way” (so to speak) of your allosexual partners?
I’m so sorry if it sounded rude or something like that I’m just curious :’)
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Very old thing I drew for ace pride several years ago that I felt like posting
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Is it weird to want marriage but be ace?
I recently came to terms with my asexuality about two years ago. I’ve dated someone for one week during high school, have missed obvious flirting cues, and basically ghosted anyone that has asked me out. Romantic relationships used to scare me because I always thought it would turn sexual, which disgusted me. I didn’t want to label myself as something I didn’t understand at the time. As I’m getting older (30s) I realize that I want to build a life with somebody. Just someone to hold hands with and share a marriage. I don’t want sex, I don’t want kids, I just want a dink relationship with dogs and to have a wedding that everyone dreams of. I’d like to have a more-than-platonic relationship with someone. Is that weird?
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I recently came to terms with my asexuality about two years ago. I’ve dated someone for one week during high school, have missed obvious flirting cues, and basically ghosted anyone that has asked me out. Romantic relationships used to scare me because I always thought it would turn sexual, which disgusted me. I didn’t want to label myself as something I didn’t understand at the time. As I’m getting older (30s) I realize that I want to build a life with somebody. Just someone to hold hands with and share a marriage. I don’t want sex, I don’t want kids, I just want a dink relationship with dogs and to have a wedding that everyone dreams of. I’d like to have a more-than-platonic relationship with someone. Is that weird?
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I feel so invalidated...
Why is asexuality so hard to fucking believe? My brother told my mom, "Joey thinks she is asexual-" and my mom said, "No she's just not active. You're either active or you're not. She's not interested in intercourse at this point of time." And he yells from the back, "MOM DOESN'T BELIEVE IN LGBTQ" and she goes, "It's not that I don't believe in LGBTQ- but asexual isn't LGBTQ, it's an unnecessary term. Joey's not asexual."
And I don't know what to do. She says we can love who we love but how come we can't love HOW we want to love? Even if I end up not asexual in the future, why can't it be accepted while I identify as it? And then it feels like I'm getting confused with my identity because I'm told it's just lack of horomones, but I sure be acting up and getting called hormonal for lashing out or having strong emotion. But then I'm told I'm BPD. So then I think, well if it's a disorder making me act out then maybe I am just lacking horomones? And she tells me I just haven't met someone I don't have good chemistry with. She said the same thing when I was with my ex that I was REALLY in love with. She said he's not the one if I don't like him like that, but it doesn't make sense to me.
I've never wanted sex AT ALL. I know asexuality is about lack of sexual attraction. And I don't have any... I don't think? I don't even know what it is. How do I know if I'm asexual? I just want to fit in somewhere, but it feels impossible. Do I find people attractive? Sure. Do I find certain features attractive? Yes, sometimes certain features are just appealing. But I've never... wanted sex... with anyone. I never even really considered it. Not until I was forced to, but even then the stuff I did (oral, hand) was meh. I had no desire to do it with him. His looks didn't affect how I felt about sex, or my libido. Sure, I'm OKAY with things, but it fluctuates so fucking much. I'm repulsed by the idea, I don't want to participate. But some days it sounds like it could be okay with STRICT boundaries. Reading it is alright? Watching it, I skip scenes in movies and shit. I hate being called sexy or hot, I hate sexualization, I hate being seen for sex. I hate feeling required. Is that not in any way asexual? I feel like I'm having an identity crisis all over again. I don't know who or what I am again, and I thought I had just figured it out.
I'm so confused.
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Why is asexuality so hard to fucking believe? My brother told my mom, "Joey thinks she is asexual-" and my mom said, "No she's just not active. You're either active or you're not. She's not interested in intercourse at this point of time." And he yells from the back, "MOM DOESN'T BELIEVE IN LGBTQ" and she goes, "It's not that I don't believe in LGBTQ- but asexual isn't LGBTQ, it's an unnecessary term. Joey's not asexual."
And I don't know what to do. She says we can love who we love but how come we can't love HOW we want to love? Even if I end up not asexual in the future, why can't it be accepted while I identify as it? And then it feels like I'm getting confused with my identity because I'm told it's just lack of horomones, but I sure be acting up and getting called hormonal for lashing out or having strong emotion. But then I'm told I'm BPD. So then I think, well if it's a disorder making me act out then maybe I am just lacking horomones? And she tells me I just haven't met someone I don't have good chemistry with. She said the same thing when I was with my ex that I was REALLY in love with. She said he's not the one if I don't like him like that, but it doesn't make sense to me.
I've never wanted sex AT ALL. I know asexuality is about lack of sexual attraction. And I don't have any... I don't think? I don't even know what it is. How do I know if I'm asexual? I just want to fit in somewhere, but it feels impossible. Do I find people attractive? Sure. Do I find certain features attractive? Yes, sometimes certain features are just appealing. But I've never... wanted sex... with anyone. I never even really considered it. Not until I was forced to, but even then the stuff I did (oral, hand) was meh. I had no desire to do it with him. His looks didn't affect how I felt about sex, or my libido. Sure, I'm OKAY with things, but it fluctuates so fucking much. I'm repulsed by the idea, I don't want to participate. But some days it sounds like it could be okay with STRICT boundaries. Reading it is alright? Watching it, I skip scenes in movies and shit. I hate being called sexy or hot, I hate sexualization, I hate being seen for sex. I hate feeling required. Is that not in any way asexual? I feel like I'm having an identity crisis all over again. I don't know who or what I am again, and I thought I had just figured it out.
I'm so confused.
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Not sure anymore if im ace :/
Content warning: I'll be talking about sex pretty candidly. Very candidly infact. Adult shit in this post, technically 18+ but I'd honestly prefer 21+
I also wanted to also use questioning and sex favorable topic, but I was only able to use one flair.
I'm gonna ask my question first, so if anyone just knows the answer they don't gotta read the context first:
Is there a term for somebody who doesn't experience attraction until after they've already had sex? (If that term is allosexual, I'm ready to accept that)
So, I 23f have identified as sex positive asexual for years now. I don't get attracted to people just by seeing them, or by being close with them, even for a long time. Still though, I know I really like sex, and I want to have it with somebody. Ive always viewed sex, the act, as a very fun activity between people who trust eachother, attraction itself isnt required for that. It's just been... hard to choose somebody.
I decided a while ago that I'll find somebody who I get along with, can be friends with, find aesthetically pleasing, and is compatible with my likes, dislikes, and general sexual wants. I'm panromantic, but I find it easier recently to be around women than men, so I decided to look for a woman specifically.
I found that approach not very effective honestly :/ people don't approach sex like that... and when I don't feel that attraction, others can feel it, and we just end up talking like friends. I end up feeling bad about "sizing them up" basically and can't even think about having sex with them, we're friends now I don't wanna switch up and be like "sex?" Feels like I misrepresented my intentions, it just feels yucky on my part
The other night, though, I went out to a gay bar on karaoke night, I actually wore makeup, I was cute and smelled good and was gonna look for a nice cute lady and try to be more forward about my intentions. Instead, karaoke was dead and I ended up making good friends with the staff. I sang something from kpop demon hunters, and the bartender shouted out the Korean rap part that I couldn't get right (I shouted out before it started "I can't rap in English but definitely not in Korean" haha). While someone else was singing, I got talking to one of the bartenders.
He told me his name and I repeated it, he said I pronounced it really well and asked if I speak Korean. I told him my history, I got into kpop a few years ago and decided to try learning Korean. I've learned many languages before, it's a hobby of mine, and I found Korean really fun and easy so got up to conversational level! Sadly though, my memory is ass and I lost all of it, down to complete day 1 beginner. I retain my pronunciation of every language I've tried, though. We got to talking about more interests, and he's just a cool dude, and we decided to hang out and smoke after his shift was over (he was off early as hell, and the bar was majorly dead)
At this point, I wasn't thinking about having sex with him or anything, I was like "this dude's cool, let's be friends." I went and hung out, looked through his books, we have SO much in common! Even through most of the hangout, I'm still not thinking about sex, but then we're reading one of the books together and he rests his arm on my leg. I thought "that's a bit close for a friend" and i said something kindof jokingly, and he moved his arm off and was like sorry I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable, I'm a touchy person.
I realized like wait, this dude probably wants to fuck. So I go through my checklist, which has gotten no use until now:
We get along ✔️
Attractive ✔️
Feel happy around ✔️
Woman?? No but... I avoid men because they can be pushy and scary. This guy isn't. He's very respectful, making sure I'm comfortable at every turn, he's treating me well and won't do anything I don't want.
So I rest my arm on his leg. I decided like, I wanted sex, I'm comfortable around this person, let's see.
At some point also, we had a discussion about sex, and another checkmark ✔️ we are compatible
So I won't get into it, but
Content warning: I'll be talking about sex pretty candidly. Very candidly infact. Adult shit in this post, technically 18+ but I'd honestly prefer 21+
I also wanted to also use questioning and sex favorable topic, but I was only able to use one flair.
I'm gonna ask my question first, so if anyone just knows the answer they don't gotta read the context first:
Is there a term for somebody who doesn't experience attraction until after they've already had sex? (If that term is allosexual, I'm ready to accept that)
So, I 23f have identified as sex positive asexual for years now. I don't get attracted to people just by seeing them, or by being close with them, even for a long time. Still though, I know I really like sex, and I want to have it with somebody. Ive always viewed sex, the act, as a very fun activity between people who trust eachother, attraction itself isnt required for that. It's just been... hard to choose somebody.
I decided a while ago that I'll find somebody who I get along with, can be friends with, find aesthetically pleasing, and is compatible with my likes, dislikes, and general sexual wants. I'm panromantic, but I find it easier recently to be around women than men, so I decided to look for a woman specifically.
I found that approach not very effective honestly :/ people don't approach sex like that... and when I don't feel that attraction, others can feel it, and we just end up talking like friends. I end up feeling bad about "sizing them up" basically and can't even think about having sex with them, we're friends now I don't wanna switch up and be like "sex?" Feels like I misrepresented my intentions, it just feels yucky on my part
The other night, though, I went out to a gay bar on karaoke night, I actually wore makeup, I was cute and smelled good and was gonna look for a nice cute lady and try to be more forward about my intentions. Instead, karaoke was dead and I ended up making good friends with the staff. I sang something from kpop demon hunters, and the bartender shouted out the Korean rap part that I couldn't get right (I shouted out before it started "I can't rap in English but definitely not in Korean" haha). While someone else was singing, I got talking to one of the bartenders.
He told me his name and I repeated it, he said I pronounced it really well and asked if I speak Korean. I told him my history, I got into kpop a few years ago and decided to try learning Korean. I've learned many languages before, it's a hobby of mine, and I found Korean really fun and easy so got up to conversational level! Sadly though, my memory is ass and I lost all of it, down to complete day 1 beginner. I retain my pronunciation of every language I've tried, though. We got to talking about more interests, and he's just a cool dude, and we decided to hang out and smoke after his shift was over (he was off early as hell, and the bar was majorly dead)
At this point, I wasn't thinking about having sex with him or anything, I was like "this dude's cool, let's be friends." I went and hung out, looked through his books, we have SO much in common! Even through most of the hangout, I'm still not thinking about sex, but then we're reading one of the books together and he rests his arm on my leg. I thought "that's a bit close for a friend" and i said something kindof jokingly, and he moved his arm off and was like sorry I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable, I'm a touchy person.
I realized like wait, this dude probably wants to fuck. So I go through my checklist, which has gotten no use until now:
We get along ✔️
Attractive ✔️
Feel happy around ✔️
Woman?? No but... I avoid men because they can be pushy and scary. This guy isn't. He's very respectful, making sure I'm comfortable at every turn, he's treating me well and won't do anything I don't want.
So I rest my arm on his leg. I decided like, I wanted sex, I'm comfortable around this person, let's see.
At some point also, we had a discussion about sex, and another checkmark ✔️ we are compatible
So I won't get into it, but
we fucked! Yippee! And it was great oh my god dude. And still, I didn't feel attraction, yet I really liked my time with him. So we plan to meet up again 3 days after
Oh, another... relevant detail. I hadn't thought to ask how old he was, but I assumed he was around 30. Kindof old for me, but idk he's hot and cool so it's not the biggest deal. So we have our pants off, but underwear still on, and he's giving me a shoulder massage (ugh btw he massaged out my wholeee body, not in a sexual way, I have disabilities and my muscles are FUCKED UP and he's really good at massages so he helped work out my many many knots), so I asked how old he was. HES 40! Ahaaaa I uh then tell him I'm 23. He kindof froze up, he thought I was older than that, like late 20s. After a second he's like "are you... okay with this much difference?" And I hesitated, he again says "are you... comfortable with this?" And I was like... I think so. I thought for another second while he worked on my shoulders (being noticeably careful to give me time to think), I eventually told him yes im okay with this. I never thought I'd be with somebody so far from my age, but he seems like a good person and I'd like to continue. He was just an absolute consent king through everything
Anyway, were gonna meet again soon. I found myself getting like really excited to see him again? I can't tell whether I'm just really excited to talk and hang out, if I'm just horny, both? Or is this what attraction feels like? No matter what it is, I can't wait to see him again.
So last night I went and saw him again. I showed him my good books, and my video games, he showed me his video games. He fed me :) he remembered my allergies, gave me fruit, some pastry, and made me beef and rice. I connected these dots later, but he rarely eats meat, hes a total sweets and fruit and veggies person, but I told him I eat a lot of meat. I think he went out of his way for the food he chose, more than he showed, he was being really humble. And after hanging out we had sex again! Really good sex. For hours. He paid me so much attention, did things I had no clue I liked but I really really do. Shit was transcendent
Now I can't stop thinking about him. I didn't feel this before we had sex, like at all, it was absent. But now I think about him and I get horny. THATS ATTRACTION, RIGHT?? It's kindof breaking my perception of myself, I'm pretty certain also I never would've felt this if we hadn't had sex
It feels so strange also because me, this queer little genderfluid (mildly relevant - I've been transmasc and very "man" for a couple years, but I've been in an extremely feminine swing recently), all my friends are girls and gays, the things we say to eachother would be considered hate crimes, IM QUEER, IM GAY, IM!!! with this 40 YEAR OLD STRAIGHT MAN??? It's just so strange. I'd never imagine myself with a man at all, even though I know it's possible, but 40 and straight?!?! Like maybe if I was with a man he'd be atleast bi, and 27 at the oldest. But despite everything, it's him. What the hell? That HAS to be attraction right?? I feel it might not be, maybe I'm just horny and he's just really good at what he does (he is oh my god he is). I feel I need to experiment with more people, maybe I'll feel the same if we get along and the sex is good. Maybe that's all attraction is? If it's not, then maybe that's just all I need. I just don't know. But I don't think I can call myself ace anymore until I figure it out
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Oh, another... relevant detail. I hadn't thought to ask how old he was, but I assumed he was around 30. Kindof old for me, but idk he's hot and cool so it's not the biggest deal. So we have our pants off, but underwear still on, and he's giving me a shoulder massage (ugh btw he massaged out my wholeee body, not in a sexual way, I have disabilities and my muscles are FUCKED UP and he's really good at massages so he helped work out my many many knots), so I asked how old he was. HES 40! Ahaaaa I uh then tell him I'm 23. He kindof froze up, he thought I was older than that, like late 20s. After a second he's like "are you... okay with this much difference?" And I hesitated, he again says "are you... comfortable with this?" And I was like... I think so. I thought for another second while he worked on my shoulders (being noticeably careful to give me time to think), I eventually told him yes im okay with this. I never thought I'd be with somebody so far from my age, but he seems like a good person and I'd like to continue. He was just an absolute consent king through everything
Anyway, were gonna meet again soon. I found myself getting like really excited to see him again? I can't tell whether I'm just really excited to talk and hang out, if I'm just horny, both? Or is this what attraction feels like? No matter what it is, I can't wait to see him again.
So last night I went and saw him again. I showed him my good books, and my video games, he showed me his video games. He fed me :) he remembered my allergies, gave me fruit, some pastry, and made me beef and rice. I connected these dots later, but he rarely eats meat, hes a total sweets and fruit and veggies person, but I told him I eat a lot of meat. I think he went out of his way for the food he chose, more than he showed, he was being really humble. And after hanging out we had sex again! Really good sex. For hours. He paid me so much attention, did things I had no clue I liked but I really really do. Shit was transcendent
Now I can't stop thinking about him. I didn't feel this before we had sex, like at all, it was absent. But now I think about him and I get horny. THATS ATTRACTION, RIGHT?? It's kindof breaking my perception of myself, I'm pretty certain also I never would've felt this if we hadn't had sex
It feels so strange also because me, this queer little genderfluid (mildly relevant - I've been transmasc and very "man" for a couple years, but I've been in an extremely feminine swing recently), all my friends are girls and gays, the things we say to eachother would be considered hate crimes, IM QUEER, IM GAY, IM!!! with this 40 YEAR OLD STRAIGHT MAN??? It's just so strange. I'd never imagine myself with a man at all, even though I know it's possible, but 40 and straight?!?! Like maybe if I was with a man he'd be atleast bi, and 27 at the oldest. But despite everything, it's him. What the hell? That HAS to be attraction right?? I feel it might not be, maybe I'm just horny and he's just really good at what he does (he is oh my god he is). I feel I need to experiment with more people, maybe I'll feel the same if we get along and the sex is good. Maybe that's all attraction is? If it's not, then maybe that's just all I need. I just don't know. But I don't think I can call myself ace anymore until I figure it out
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