Help me understand/confirm please?
Hello, all. So my boyfriend (26M) and I(28M) have been together for many years. We used to be sexually involved early on, but it’s kind of been dissolving over the years.
We’ve recently had a discussion, and he’s told me that he just doesn’t really enjoy the act, and never really has. He’s even like encouraged me to go make out with other people, like the sexual aspect as a whole even within our relationship doesn’t matter.
I’m beginning to suspect that he may be asexual, but 1) I don’t want to put words in his mouth, and 2) I don’t think he’s ready to hear/accept this (he has never liked the idea of not being “normal” in any capacity).
Basically, I was hoping someone could help me understand if I’m on the right track with my suspicions? If you’re asexual do you think you would care if your partner was having sexual contact with other people?
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@asexualityonreddit
Hello, all. So my boyfriend (26M) and I(28M) have been together for many years. We used to be sexually involved early on, but it’s kind of been dissolving over the years.
We’ve recently had a discussion, and he’s told me that he just doesn’t really enjoy the act, and never really has. He’s even like encouraged me to go make out with other people, like the sexual aspect as a whole even within our relationship doesn’t matter.
I’m beginning to suspect that he may be asexual, but 1) I don’t want to put words in his mouth, and 2) I don’t think he’s ready to hear/accept this (he has never liked the idea of not being “normal” in any capacity).
Basically, I was hoping someone could help me understand if I’m on the right track with my suspicions? If you’re asexual do you think you would care if your partner was having sexual contact with other people?
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feeling like an imposter
I (21f) have identified as ace for over 7 years, but recently, I have experimented with masterbating and I feel like a total liar to myself. I like how it feels and it makes me happy but I feel less of an asexual person recently...I even took my ace flag down :( any advice?
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I (21f) have identified as ace for over 7 years, but recently, I have experimented with masterbating and I feel like a total liar to myself. I like how it feels and it makes me happy but I feel less of an asexual person recently...I even took my ace flag down :( any advice?
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And if you look over here, you'll see several people in a supposed "LGBTQ+ safe space" debating whether or not asexuality is being an incel. 🙄
https://redd.it/1n2xw1r
@asexualityonreddit
https://redd.it/1n2xw1r
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Being an asexual trans man is certainly an experience
Hello everyone! I'm a trans man who passes (people assume I'm a cis man when they meet me). I mention this bc it's relevant to what I'm about to talk about. I am first and foremost aroace, but I think I may also fall into the gay or bi label (it's complicated).
I've just been reflecting today on how different my experiences as an asexual person have been, before and after transitioning. Before transition, it wasn't something that I was very open about. Mostly bc I didn't feel it was relevant to talk about, and also bc I didn't want to get rude questions. But it was still something I could bring up occasionally, without expecting too much crazy pushback.
Now, tho, it feels like something that I absolutely CANNOT be open about. I am now expected to be sexual - by pretty much everyone. I don't dare mention that I'm aroace, bc of the horrible things I've heard people say to other ace men. There always HAS to be a "bad" reason if a man is asexual, such as sexual assault, low testosterone (I inject my own hormones so I know my testosterone levels well, thank you very much), or ~coping~ bc you can't get laid. When I was living as a woman, I more frequently got the "well a lot of women aren't that into sex so that's ok" reaction.
I feel like people can grasp the idea of a man being aromantic, bc unhealthy expectations for men often assume that a man shouldn't be emotional. But to be an asexual man carries a lot more stigma than being an ace woman, at least in my experience of living as both for a while. Too many people have gotten so offended at me for not responding to advances now, as if my only function is to instigate sex instead of considering platonic friendship first. And then there's the nasty business of people feeling "lied to" when they realize they were attracted to a trans man and couldn't tell that I'm trans - despite me doing nothing to indicate that I'm interested anyway. Constantly worrying about those two major reactions together isn't fun.
I just feel like a complete alien to the human race sometimes. Being trans or ace alone is enough to make someone feel that way, but being both makes me always feel out of place around other people. Especially so bc when I am interested in people, I'm interested in other men and masculine people...but finding other men who don't want sex (or at the very least, no frequent sex) in a relationship feels impossible. I think in part bc a lot of ace men FORCE themselves to be sexual to fit expectations, and kind of bury that aspect of themselves. Or they're just harder to identify bc they don't use the ace label. But I didn't have that experience bc I grew up very differently than the vast majority of men.
Anyways. Just putting this out there in case there are other trans men (or trans people in general) who have had similar experiences.
https://redd.it/1n30uej
@asexualityonreddit
Hello everyone! I'm a trans man who passes (people assume I'm a cis man when they meet me). I mention this bc it's relevant to what I'm about to talk about. I am first and foremost aroace, but I think I may also fall into the gay or bi label (it's complicated).
I've just been reflecting today on how different my experiences as an asexual person have been, before and after transitioning. Before transition, it wasn't something that I was very open about. Mostly bc I didn't feel it was relevant to talk about, and also bc I didn't want to get rude questions. But it was still something I could bring up occasionally, without expecting too much crazy pushback.
Now, tho, it feels like something that I absolutely CANNOT be open about. I am now expected to be sexual - by pretty much everyone. I don't dare mention that I'm aroace, bc of the horrible things I've heard people say to other ace men. There always HAS to be a "bad" reason if a man is asexual, such as sexual assault, low testosterone (I inject my own hormones so I know my testosterone levels well, thank you very much), or ~coping~ bc you can't get laid. When I was living as a woman, I more frequently got the "well a lot of women aren't that into sex so that's ok" reaction.
I feel like people can grasp the idea of a man being aromantic, bc unhealthy expectations for men often assume that a man shouldn't be emotional. But to be an asexual man carries a lot more stigma than being an ace woman, at least in my experience of living as both for a while. Too many people have gotten so offended at me for not responding to advances now, as if my only function is to instigate sex instead of considering platonic friendship first. And then there's the nasty business of people feeling "lied to" when they realize they were attracted to a trans man and couldn't tell that I'm trans - despite me doing nothing to indicate that I'm interested anyway. Constantly worrying about those two major reactions together isn't fun.
I just feel like a complete alien to the human race sometimes. Being trans or ace alone is enough to make someone feel that way, but being both makes me always feel out of place around other people. Especially so bc when I am interested in people, I'm interested in other men and masculine people...but finding other men who don't want sex (or at the very least, no frequent sex) in a relationship feels impossible. I think in part bc a lot of ace men FORCE themselves to be sexual to fit expectations, and kind of bury that aspect of themselves. Or they're just harder to identify bc they don't use the ace label. But I didn't have that experience bc I grew up very differently than the vast majority of men.
Anyways. Just putting this out there in case there are other trans men (or trans people in general) who have had similar experiences.
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Am I asexual or was I not attracted to him ?
Hello! Posting this in hopes that someone could help me figure out some things.
22F recently broke up with my bf of 2 years 23M. For these 2 years, we did not have real sex, and he got tired of it and I had to let him go so he could get fulfilled in a more sexual relationship. He wanted more and I still wanted less. It was not a match at all sexually. In the beginning, I was excited and I wanted to engage in these things with him, I had butterflies etc, but after a while I started to feel disgusted by it and not turned on at all. So I kept telling him "another time" or "I have low libido". Meanwhile, he was the total opposite, like hypersexual. Kept trying to grab me in a sexual way everytime he was near etc. I eventually made a list of the things I didn't wan't him to do, it worked and I felt better for a year. But not him, he built resentment for holding back. Then eventually got impatient I guess and that's why we broke up. In this relationship, we tried to have p-i-v sex like 3 times and it never worked. We were both too nervous I guess, we are both virgins.
My conclusion from this relationship is either that I'm asexual, have REALLY low libido, or I just wasn't into him enough. Let me explain why these makes sense to maybe see which one makes more sense? And if someone asexual could tell me how it was to find out they were, I would love to hear that as well so I could see if I relate or not.
Why I could be asexual: I don't really feel sexual attraction to random people, like I do think they look good and I get crushes, but it's never sexually intended. I imagine myself holding hands with them etc. If they're really really hot then yeah maybe I'll picture myself alone in a room with them. But then, this could also just mean I'm demisexual. right? Also in high school my friend kept telling me she thinks I'm asexual cause I never talk about this stuff. But I'm just shy tbh and this feels like a private part of me. I would say I'm a prude.
Why I could just have low libido: During our relationship, I read a romance book and it really boosted my libido lol. It put me in mood for stuff that I usually don't want, so that's making me think I'm not really asexual, just wasn't turned on? If I have low libido and he had high libido, it just made me libido even lower because I felt forced.
Why I wasn't into him enough: We never had a honeymoon phase, our relationship was complicated from the start, as 2 overthinkers. We never said I love you, just, "I like you!" He also had pretty bad hygiene so that turned me off many times, his pp smelling bad etc. Also, we didn't want the same things out of each other. I could not touch him cause it tickled him, and he touched me only for sexual stuff, not to make me feel loved etc, while that's what I craved. To get my hair played with. I literally had to beg him, and he would only do it in return of sexual favors :(
What do you think? I tried to not write too much and make things clear but if u have any questions to help me find out what I am, pls ask! And pls tell me how you discovered for yourself
https://redd.it/1n36ahp
@asexualityonreddit
Hello! Posting this in hopes that someone could help me figure out some things.
22F recently broke up with my bf of 2 years 23M. For these 2 years, we did not have real sex, and he got tired of it and I had to let him go so he could get fulfilled in a more sexual relationship. He wanted more and I still wanted less. It was not a match at all sexually. In the beginning, I was excited and I wanted to engage in these things with him, I had butterflies etc, but after a while I started to feel disgusted by it and not turned on at all. So I kept telling him "another time" or "I have low libido". Meanwhile, he was the total opposite, like hypersexual. Kept trying to grab me in a sexual way everytime he was near etc. I eventually made a list of the things I didn't wan't him to do, it worked and I felt better for a year. But not him, he built resentment for holding back. Then eventually got impatient I guess and that's why we broke up. In this relationship, we tried to have p-i-v sex like 3 times and it never worked. We were both too nervous I guess, we are both virgins.
My conclusion from this relationship is either that I'm asexual, have REALLY low libido, or I just wasn't into him enough. Let me explain why these makes sense to maybe see which one makes more sense? And if someone asexual could tell me how it was to find out they were, I would love to hear that as well so I could see if I relate or not.
Why I could be asexual: I don't really feel sexual attraction to random people, like I do think they look good and I get crushes, but it's never sexually intended. I imagine myself holding hands with them etc. If they're really really hot then yeah maybe I'll picture myself alone in a room with them. But then, this could also just mean I'm demisexual. right? Also in high school my friend kept telling me she thinks I'm asexual cause I never talk about this stuff. But I'm just shy tbh and this feels like a private part of me. I would say I'm a prude.
Why I could just have low libido: During our relationship, I read a romance book and it really boosted my libido lol. It put me in mood for stuff that I usually don't want, so that's making me think I'm not really asexual, just wasn't turned on? If I have low libido and he had high libido, it just made me libido even lower because I felt forced.
Why I wasn't into him enough: We never had a honeymoon phase, our relationship was complicated from the start, as 2 overthinkers. We never said I love you, just, "I like you!" He also had pretty bad hygiene so that turned me off many times, his pp smelling bad etc. Also, we didn't want the same things out of each other. I could not touch him cause it tickled him, and he touched me only for sexual stuff, not to make me feel loved etc, while that's what I craved. To get my hair played with. I literally had to beg him, and he would only do it in return of sexual favors :(
What do you think? I tried to not write too much and make things clear but if u have any questions to help me find out what I am, pls ask! And pls tell me how you discovered for yourself
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i hate this
I hate when you're genuinely being kind and supportive standing up for someone and somebody's like “they're not gonna let you hit bro” 🥀
BRO I wouldn't wanna hit someone eitherway. I AM NOT A VIOLENT PERSON!
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I hate when you're genuinely being kind and supportive standing up for someone and somebody's like “they're not gonna let you hit bro” 🥀
BRO I wouldn't wanna hit someone eitherway. I AM NOT A VIOLENT PERSON!
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I'm disturbed by something my therapist said about attraction
One of the reasons I started therapy was that I wanted to explore why I can’t seem to feel attraction toward people, despite multiple attempts. I want to have a partner but I can't really fall in love so it never works.
My therapist told me I’m “picky” and that I need to learn to like the other person. He compared it to eating anchovies, saying that if you eat anchovies every day, you will eventually learn to like them—and that, in the same way, it works with people.
I told him I have tried forcing myself many times, and it has never created attraction. For example, I have a male best friend who is attracted to me, has confessed his feelings, and with whom I’ve attempted kissing and touching many times over the years. When my friend takes it too far with touching, I get so uncomfortable I almost want to hit him. My therapist didn’t seem to believe me and said I must not be doing it often enough. He insisted that I have to initiate, force myself to kiss, and do it daily for at least six months.
He also insisted that "eveyone does this" because many people are staying in a relationship only because they have a kid, or because they share a house.
When I asked him what this implied about sexual orientation—because if you can learn to like anyone, what’s the point of having orientations—he said that sexual orientations are not real, and that all humans are essentially bisexual.
I feel really disturbed. I was expecting a therapist to perhaps mention he wanted to explore where my lack of attraction comes from, not that he would actually believe that you can force yourself. I'm not sure I ever want to see a therapist again. I've already seen 7 in my life and never helpful. (I'm not from the US, if this matters)
https://redd.it/1n3d0la
@asexualityonreddit
One of the reasons I started therapy was that I wanted to explore why I can’t seem to feel attraction toward people, despite multiple attempts. I want to have a partner but I can't really fall in love so it never works.
My therapist told me I’m “picky” and that I need to learn to like the other person. He compared it to eating anchovies, saying that if you eat anchovies every day, you will eventually learn to like them—and that, in the same way, it works with people.
I told him I have tried forcing myself many times, and it has never created attraction. For example, I have a male best friend who is attracted to me, has confessed his feelings, and with whom I’ve attempted kissing and touching many times over the years. When my friend takes it too far with touching, I get so uncomfortable I almost want to hit him. My therapist didn’t seem to believe me and said I must not be doing it often enough. He insisted that I have to initiate, force myself to kiss, and do it daily for at least six months.
He also insisted that "eveyone does this" because many people are staying in a relationship only because they have a kid, or because they share a house.
When I asked him what this implied about sexual orientation—because if you can learn to like anyone, what’s the point of having orientations—he said that sexual orientations are not real, and that all humans are essentially bisexual.
I feel really disturbed. I was expecting a therapist to perhaps mention he wanted to explore where my lack of attraction comes from, not that he would actually believe that you can force yourself. I'm not sure I ever want to see a therapist again. I've already seen 7 in my life and never helpful. (I'm not from the US, if this matters)
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why have sex when i can have a bird?
Like, they sing, they peck, and they're birds, doesn't that sound way more interesting than sex?
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@asexualityonreddit
Like, they sing, they peck, and they're birds, doesn't that sound way more interesting than sex?
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Does anyone developped intrusive thoughts after finding out abt asexuality?
Bc i did…i dont even wanna talk abt any details of myself. Bc i won’t
Lets say that you never felt sexual attraction in your Life and thought that sexual attraction meant admiration or cuteness aggression.
Until you found out abt asexuality and then realized how you misunderstood sexual attraction your entire Life bc of how ppl described it to you.
And now you started to develop intrusive thoughts abt if you are feeling sexual attraction and are just unconsciously repressing it yayyy.
Or the fact that your brain is telling you how you are forcing yourself not to feel that way for others bc you are forcing yourself or be ace or that you think its ‘’ shameful ‘’ even though you don’t know what could possibly be shameful abt sexual attraction but STILL don’t know how it supposed to feel either
( don’t talk abt how sexual attraction feels pls. I dont want any explanation since sexual attraction is just so confusing and very hard to even know you feel it or not to the point it becomes a crisis. So plsss dont explain it to me )
And now you are sitting there with your brain not giving you a break : D
Soooo, yeah. Who wants to talk abt it?
https://redd.it/1n3ksq3
@asexualityonreddit
Bc i did…i dont even wanna talk abt any details of myself. Bc i won’t
Lets say that you never felt sexual attraction in your Life and thought that sexual attraction meant admiration or cuteness aggression.
Until you found out abt asexuality and then realized how you misunderstood sexual attraction your entire Life bc of how ppl described it to you.
And now you started to develop intrusive thoughts abt if you are feeling sexual attraction and are just unconsciously repressing it yayyy.
Or the fact that your brain is telling you how you are forcing yourself not to feel that way for others bc you are forcing yourself or be ace or that you think its ‘’ shameful ‘’ even though you don’t know what could possibly be shameful abt sexual attraction but STILL don’t know how it supposed to feel either
( don’t talk abt how sexual attraction feels pls. I dont want any explanation since sexual attraction is just so confusing and very hard to even know you feel it or not to the point it becomes a crisis. So plsss dont explain it to me )
And now you are sitting there with your brain not giving you a break : D
Soooo, yeah. Who wants to talk abt it?
https://redd.it/1n3ksq3
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I am making queer coat of arms, finally got around to adjust and give full colors for Ace, still looking for ideas/ advice/ suggestions for Aro-Ace. Anyone got anything good?
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https://redd.it/1n3mxix
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From the Asexual community on Reddit: I am making queer coat of arms, finally got around to adjust and give full colors for Ace…
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