Asexual, Anxious or Just Inexperienced

Hey all,

I’m a 25 year old guy- and struggling with my identity pretty hard.

I’ve always been a “don’t care for labels” person. But I was trying to meet people, and am trying to be clear in communicating how I am. I’m also pretty socially anxious so I overthink and shutdown pretty quick.

I sometimes find other guys attractive, and have only had a full on crush once (when I was 22). I’ve never been on a date and never outwardly expressed romantic or intimate feelings to a person (never held hands, called a guy cute, asked someone out etc). Thus, I’m a virgin that’s never dated.

I’m not sure if this is a product of asexuality, anxiety or inexperience.

I like the idea of dating a guy and getting married. Going on adventures, out to dinner, etc. Hypothetically, I think I’d be okay with kissing and such. I’ve never really liked being touched (I’ve got some sensory quirks) so that might be a hurdle with me.

However, I’ve never been intimate ever. So sexually speaking, I don’t particularly know if it’s something I want or not because to a certain extent, I don’t really know what it’s like.

As far as like natural urges go, I have practically none. Never masturbated, and only get randomly aroused very very rarely. I’m not sure if this is normal (or medically normal even?) but it’s how I’ve always been.

I’ve read some other threads in this subreddit, suggesting, you think someone is hot vs you want to have sex with them as the demarcation line. But in my head, I think someone is hot, but because I don’t really know what sex is like, I have no measurement. Or is it rather, I would already have some instinctive sexual attraction if I was allo?

As mentioned before- I’ve also got crippling social anxiety which fits into this. Ya boi here can’t even make friends or approach people when going out, so maybe it’s just that I’m a bit too anxious in general to let myself have these feelings?

I tried downloading some online apps with the intention of meeting people. And my experiences have been no bueno. I basically tried to make friends first, but people definitely are not looking for that, at least where I am.

I just didn’t want to mislead people until i understand my identity- but it’s a bit of a chicken and egg situation in my head.

Anyway- I know that’s a very long ramble. But I am extremely confused, and have absolutely no one in my life that understands.









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Wrong answers only: Why are you ace?
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It’s interesting noticing true arousal over dopamine/attention seeking (ADHD)

Been discovering my asexuality for a little while now and it’s really interesting truly noticing how much my hypersexual behaviour was just attention seeking from men and dopamine seeking.

I mean I always knew it on some levels but because I’ve done the work and am in a better place can properly feel it and know it on a deeper level.

It’s sort of scary but good, being true to myself more and more xxx

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Oh look, they named a restaraunt after me!
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I don't know if I'm bi or a lesbian because of gender roles AND because I'm asexual

So basically, I'm a sex repulsed asexual. I really have no interest in sex at all. I found out I liked women at 14, I knew I was asexual since I was 9 (even though I didn't know how to name it).

I've never dated or kissed a woman ever. I have had experiences with three men. Every single time I was with them I "questioned" my sexuality, not because I genuinely thought I wasn't asexual but because I thought that this was what society was expecting of me. I'm questioning wether or not I've been dating men because of societal expectations too. Patriarchal patterns are kinda strong in me I think, even though I'm actively trying to not follow them.

I don't really know how to explain the issue, but I've dated men, never ever enjoyed kissing or touching them. I just don't know if that's because I might be a lesbian or if it's because I'm just very asexual. When I picture myself with a woman I don't question my asexuality and I just genuinely feel love for the person and I wanna spend time with her and all. With men I'm like well they're pretty but not so pretty at the same time, and I guess I like kissing them because every woman MUST like to kiss and touch men, even though when I actually do I kinda feel sick and just don't enjoy it. The only interest I have for men is physical, and this physical interest seems to be there just because I was taught to like men like that. I even find myself faking to like a certain bodytype or certain features for no apparent reason ?? I don't really wanna date men, when I picture myself dating them I picture makeout sessions and that's ALL, makeout sessions that I don't like in real life. I picture them because "that's what a woman and a man do together". I don't see myself spending my life with a man but I definitely see myself marrying a woman one day. Picturing myself dating a man is cringe as hell to me, but it's not with women. But the issue is : I've dated men and never had the chance to date women.

I feel like there's some "performative heterosexuality" or something, that contradicts both my very radical asexuality and potential gayness.

I don't know if any of this made sense but I feel like the crushs I get on men are just some sort of pre-written script that says "you're a girl and this guy is aesthetically pretty, and if he's not at least he looks kind so you MUST have a crush on him and wanna kiss him". I don't have a type, I have "crushs" on guys I don't even find pretty or interesting, the last guy I dated I didn't even know why I dated him, I didn't like him, he was just my age and slightly pretty. (Also don't feel sorry for him because he was extremely abusive). But with women, I just see how beautiful they are and I'm like, I wanna give you the world and all, I have a genuine feeling in my chest that hits different than the "anxiety butterflies" I get with pretty much every man I meet. Does this make sense to you ?

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I’m stunned at myself

TL;DR - I’m officially sex repulsed and I’m slowly coming to terms with the fact that it wasn’t my birth control’s fault. Weird, but kinda sick.

A little TMI but I need to talk about a discovery I made: sometimes I get so bored that I try to get off to see what happens. I usually only can when I’m ovulating or on my period or something, but on those days I’m not? Nothing. Zilch. Nada. Could be there trying for hours and I just feel sore bc I feel like I’m just, rubbing my skin raw.

I got off of birth control for my hormones about two years back, and they’ve been all out of whack since. I’d had doubts that I was actually ace recently because I figured hey, might be the Nexplanon and its innumerable side effects messing me up. Well not too long ago I got bored like I said, and tried going through videos and trying to distract myself.

It. Was. Boring.

Nothing did anything for me. Animation, real people, men, women, nothing. I ended up lying there watching the vids after like two hours of nothing and…nothing. It just fascinated me, how little I was not attracted to anything happening on screen.

This might not feel monumental to anyone else but this has blown me away. I’m not mad at all, just more surprised. I feel like I conducted an experiment on myself. I’ve always been told the typical “you haven’t found the right one” or “you need therapy” bit but honestly? It feels really cool to know what’s going on my body, and to know that what makes me sigh all dreamy is really wanting to kiss someone or hug them really tight lol

Anyway, yeah. Just a cool thing to finally come to terms with.

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Is this asexuality?

Hi guys. Was just talking with my boyfriend and told him about how I am not attracted to penises/faces really or naked bodies in general. Like I can find people attractive and think they’re pretty, and I can get horny mostly through like ‘action’ (kissing etc.), but like. Literally no attraction to anything else. He said this is probably asexuality. I wanted to ask if it is because honestly I’m not sure if it’s considered asexuality if I still enjoy sex/get horny/want to have sex. Any help appreciated! Thanks guys :)

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Did I cook
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Be ace, punch face
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Help me understand/confirm please?

Hello, all. So my boyfriend (26M) and I(28M) have been together for many years. We used to be sexually involved early on, but it’s kind of been dissolving over the years.

We’ve recently had a discussion, and he’s told me that he just doesn’t really enjoy the act, and never really has. He’s even like encouraged me to go make out with other people, like the sexual aspect as a whole even within our relationship doesn’t matter.
I’m beginning to suspect that he may be asexual, but 1) I don’t want to put words in his mouth, and 2) I don’t think he’s ready to hear/accept this (he has never liked the idea of not being “normal” in any capacity).

Basically, I was hoping someone could help me understand if I’m on the right track with my suspicions? If you’re asexual do you think you would care if your partner was having sexual contact with other people?

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Let’s bring this back
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feeling like an imposter

I (21f) have identified as ace for over 7 years, but recently, I have experimented with masterbating and I feel like a total liar to myself. I like how it feels and it makes me happy but I feel less of an asexual person recently...I even took my ace flag down :( any advice?

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Guys I've found the ace bird!!
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And if you look over here, you'll see several people in a supposed "LGBTQ+ safe space" debating whether or not asexuality is being an incel. 🙄
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the queers on cloud nine:
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Being an asexual trans man is certainly an experience

Hello everyone! I'm a trans man who passes (people assume I'm a cis man when they meet me). I mention this bc it's relevant to what I'm about to talk about. I am first and foremost aroace, but I think I may also fall into the gay or bi label (it's complicated).

I've just been reflecting today on how different my experiences as an asexual person have been, before and after transitioning. Before transition, it wasn't something that I was very open about. Mostly bc I didn't feel it was relevant to talk about, and also bc I didn't want to get rude questions. But it was still something I could bring up occasionally, without expecting too much crazy pushback.

Now, tho, it feels like something that I absolutely CANNOT be open about. I am now expected to be sexual - by pretty much everyone. I don't dare mention that I'm aroace, bc of the horrible things I've heard people say to other ace men. There always HAS to be a "bad" reason if a man is asexual, such as sexual assault, low testosterone (I inject my own hormones so I know my testosterone levels well, thank you very much), or ~coping~ bc you can't get laid. When I was living as a woman, I more frequently got the "well a lot of women aren't that into sex so that's ok" reaction.

I feel like people can grasp the idea of a man being aromantic, bc unhealthy expectations for men often assume that a man shouldn't be emotional. But to be an asexual man carries a lot more stigma than being an ace woman, at least in my experience of living as both for a while. Too many people have gotten so offended at me for not responding to advances now, as if my only function is to instigate sex instead of considering platonic friendship first. And then there's the nasty business of people feeling "lied to" when they realize they were attracted to a trans man and couldn't tell that I'm trans - despite me doing nothing to indicate that I'm interested anyway. Constantly worrying about those two major reactions together isn't fun.

I just feel like a complete alien to the human race sometimes. Being trans or ace alone is enough to make someone feel that way, but being both makes me always feel out of place around other people. Especially so bc when I am interested in people, I'm interested in other men and masculine people...but finding other men who don't want sex (or at the very least, no frequent sex) in a relationship feels impossible. I think in part bc a lot of ace men FORCE themselves to be sexual to fit expectations, and kind of bury that aspect of themselves. Or they're just harder to identify bc they don't use the ace label. But I didn't have that experience bc I grew up very differently than the vast majority of men.

Anyways. Just putting this out there in case there are other trans men (or trans people in general) who have had similar experiences.

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Am I asexual or was I not attracted to him ?

Hello! Posting this in hopes that someone could help me figure out some things.
22F recently broke up with my bf of 2 years 23M. For these 2 years, we did not have real sex, and he got tired of it and I had to let him go so he could get fulfilled in a more sexual relationship. He wanted more and I still wanted less. It was not a match at all sexually. In the beginning, I was excited and I wanted to engage in these things with him, I had butterflies etc, but after a while I started to feel disgusted by it and not turned on at all. So I kept telling him "another time" or "I have low libido". Meanwhile, he was the total opposite, like hypersexual. Kept trying to grab me in a sexual way everytime he was near etc. I eventually made a list of the things I didn't wan't him to do, it worked and I felt better for a year. But not him, he built resentment for holding back. Then eventually got impatient I guess and that's why we broke up. In this relationship, we tried to have p-i-v sex like 3 times and it never worked. We were both too nervous I guess, we are both virgins.

My conclusion from this relationship is either that I'm asexual, have REALLY low libido, or I just wasn't into him enough. Let me explain why these makes sense to maybe see which one makes more sense? And if someone asexual could tell me how it was to find out they were, I would love to hear that as well so I could see if I relate or not.

Why I could be asexual: I don't really feel sexual attraction to random people, like I do think they look good and I get crushes, but it's never sexually intended. I imagine myself holding hands with them etc. If they're really really hot then yeah maybe I'll picture myself alone in a room with them. But then, this could also just mean I'm demisexual. right? Also in high school my friend kept telling me she thinks I'm asexual cause I never talk about this stuff. But I'm just shy tbh and this feels like a private part of me. I would say I'm a prude.

Why I could just have low libido: During our relationship, I read a romance book and it really boosted my libido lol. It put me in mood for stuff that I usually don't want, so that's making me think I'm not really asexual, just wasn't turned on? If I have low libido and he had high libido, it just made me libido even lower because I felt forced.

Why I wasn't into him enough: We never had a honeymoon phase, our relationship was complicated from the start, as 2 overthinkers. We never said I love you, just, "I like you!" He also had pretty bad hygiene so that turned me off many times, his pp smelling bad etc. Also, we didn't want the same things out of each other. I could not touch him cause it tickled him, and he touched me only for sexual stuff, not to make me feel loved etc, while that's what I craved. To get my hair played with. I literally had to beg him, and he would only do it in return of sexual favors :(

What do you think? I tried to not write too much and make things clear but if u have any questions to help me find out what I am, pls ask! And pls tell me how you discovered for yourself

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Vij is ace!!!

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i hate this

I hate when you're genuinely being kind and supportive standing up for someone and somebody's like “they're not gonna let you hit bro” 🥀

BRO I wouldn't wanna hit someone eitherway. I AM NOT A VIOLENT PERSON!

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I'm disturbed by something my therapist said about attraction

One of the reasons I started therapy was that I wanted to explore why I can’t seem to feel attraction toward people, despite multiple attempts. I want to have a partner but I can't really fall in love so it never works.

My therapist told me I’m “picky” and that I need to learn to like the other person. He compared it to eating anchovies, saying that if you eat anchovies every day, you will eventually learn to like them—and that, in the same way, it works with people.

I told him I have tried forcing myself many times, and it has never created attraction. For example, I have a male best friend who is attracted to me, has confessed his feelings, and with whom I’ve attempted kissing and touching many times over the years. When my friend takes it too far with touching, I get so uncomfortable I almost want to hit him. My therapist didn’t seem to believe me and said I must not be doing it often enough. He insisted that I have to initiate, force myself to kiss, and do it daily for at least six months.

He also insisted that "eveyone does this" because many people are staying in a relationship only because they have a kid, or because they share a house.

When I asked him what this implied about sexual orientation—because if you can learn to like anyone, what’s the point of having orientations—he said that sexual orientations are not real, and that all humans are essentially bisexual.

I feel really disturbed. I was expecting a therapist to perhaps mention he wanted to explore where my lack of attraction comes from, not that he would actually believe that you can force yourself. I'm not sure I ever want to see a therapist again. I've already seen 7 in my life and never helpful. (I'm not from the US, if this matters)

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