(18f) when to tell boyfriend i'm ace?

Hi! Using a throwaway since my bf knows my main reddit account.

I'm a rising college freshman and just got into a relationship with my boyfriend a week ago. We're both going to amazing unis (I'm so proud of him!) and we will be long-distance in college but our colleges are quite close to each other, so we can definitely meet up. (This will be relevant later.)

My boyfriend and I are in the same friend group and, recently, me and two others in the friend group met up. They are in a relationship and, the whole time we were hanging out, were very handsy with each other, going as far as reaching under each others' shirts in public. I remarked on this to my boyfriend and he said something along the lines of "I don't know, that sounds kind of fun," which is why I feel the need to tell him that I'm ace.

I am not completely repulsed to the idea of sex and would be okay with trying it at some point, especially if it's important to my partner. However, I am 100% certain that I am not sexually attracted to him (even though I think he's gorgeous and cute) and have never experienced sexual attraction in my life. Do you think I should bring my asexuality up to him the next time it comes up naturally? Am I right for expecting that he might want to have sex one day? If we're planning to go long-distance soon anyways, would pushing off the conversation be a better idea?

Part of me is just really afraid that he will break up with me or reevaluate the relationship which is why I'm hesitant to tell him. At the same time, I don't want to deceive him, and I know it's better to tell him now when things aren't super serious yet. Thank you so much, anything helps!

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Garlic bread posting because I tried it finally recently and this is so fucking good
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Wizards?

Ok so you know how there's the saying in some countries that if your a virgin past 30 you turn into a wizard and get magic? Do you think this also applies to people on the asexual spectrum? I know that this is kinda a stupid question but I am curious to know if it's though to also be a thing with people on the ace spectrum.

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Many allosexuals are asensual and lack passion. Many asexuals are allosensual and passionate.

Sensual passion is completely separate from urges to have sex with someone. Sensual attraction is not just hugs and touches and flowers and rainbows.

You can be sex-repulsed and still sensuality-favorable. They are not the same thing.

Me and my partner bite, hold and claw each other out of passion. That doesn't mean we have sex. That doesn't mean libido. No genital contact involved or wanted. I'm sex averse asexual, he is sex indifferent (falls asleep out of boredom type) asexual, and we are extremely passionate towards each other sensually.

Completely different things. I had a nightmare incompatible allosexual asensual ex before and it was both boring and repulsive, especially since I was extremely dysphoric until my nullification surgery.

Passion comes in vastly different forms. So do our needs and urges.

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What my ex told me when I discovered and came out as ace when we were dating

"please stop brining it up, I don't want our friends to feel bad for me"


I'll always kick myself for not breaking it off right then and there, but teenagers are dumb

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I’m realizing I’m asexual and worried about keeping my act up for my wife.

We’ve quite young, but have been together since 2018. Originally we were long distance and going to wait for marriage, but we had sex for the first time in late december of 2023. Both of us were virgins at the time.

She got pregnant, absent sex drive throughout the pregnancy. Our son is now 10.5 months old. Since our son was born I’ve graduated with my master’s degree, we’ve gotten married, bought our first house, renovated, and I (very slowly) moved ~100 miles from my big major city to her very small rural hometown. Like I said, all pretty young, so it’s been a particularly stressful time. There hasn’t really been a lot of time for sex, this past year has been very go go go. That did change fairly recently, things are stabilizing & starting to mellow out.

Aside from curiosity, I’ve never really desired sex per se. Now that sex is happening, it’s even clearer to me that I have absolutely no desire or pleasure derived from sex. I’m even a little repulsed by it. I’m able to set that repulsion aside though because I do really enjoy seeing her happy & her pleasure. I’ve even gotten pretty good at it, I even initiate sometimes when I can tell she wants it. But I don’t get anything sexually from it. Nothing.

She’s starting to let go of regressive views from religious repression/programming. She’s becoming increasingly open minded in a lot of ways. I want her to continue in that progression. It’s resulting in the sex being very frequent (several times daily), kinks are starting to be explored. But I’m not sure I can totally keep up the act. I don’t feel like resentment is a risk, I really do enjoy seeing her happy to the extent it offsets any of the negatives. I’m just not sure I can keep up the act if things stay this way, and her open mindedness hasn’t gotten to the point she’d accept I’m asexual.

There’s a few acts too that I find particularly difficult to act like I enjoy, but those happen to be ones that are her favorites… so they happen all the time. One big positive though is she’s become more amicable to me using toys on her, which has relieved a lot of repulsion etc. But yeah, keeping my story & face straight is getting harder.

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Assembling an ace army on wPlace to fight hate

sorry if this isn’t the place, but a university that suffered a mass shooting (UCSB)is getting regularly vandalized on wplace by incels. I can’t exactly stop the vandals on my own, but i saw someone was making a collection of ace flags nearby and i thought that if we can team up we can stop vandals from spewing hate speech on a platform aimed at fostering community and creativity

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I want friends who won’t crush on me

I wish I had more female friends (21+), or at least people who aren’t as likely to catch feelings for me, like gay men or other aroaces. I’m sad I can’t fully be myself around some people cause im afraid of them tryna turn it into something more. It happens often, and it’s ruined many friendships (all with straight/bi/pan men).

I dress plainly most of the time, speak in a monotone, don’t smile much, and I still get this problem. Many guys will say “Oh yeah I completely understand”, and then they don’t. Bc I still observe them mirroring me, feigning interest in my interests, not looking for other women to date. Even one said, “Why not just try it with me?” Another said “So do you think you’ll change sometime soon?” NO. I WONT.

Where tf do I meet people who I can 100% act myself around without a fear of them crushing on me??? (I tolerate romantic advances from women better than men, but the point still stands). Anytime I try to make friends with women on female-only forums, no one replies. I gotta be genderless in every chatroom cause even the slightest hint of a female presence gets me unwanted advances in my dms.

Sorry this is partially a rant, but I also just really don’t wanna constantly be on my guard when hanging out with people.

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Are the allos ok???????

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Why do we get the goth pride flag
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Reminded me of you guys
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What am I actually?

Sorry for reposting, but this went completely ignored when I posted it last night.

I don’t know what I am anymore. I thought I was grey-ace, then fully asexual, but now I’m back to being… idk anymore.

I’m not sex-repulsed, I don’t even know if I’m sex-neutral or sex-favorable.

I play VRChat a lot and in-game (and in text fantasy roleplay with trusted friends), I’m sex-favorable and even partake in sexual activities. I do a good job at appearing or sounding like I’m “enjoying” myself… but in reality, behind the screen, I’m just… neutral. I don’t feel physically aroused, I don’t really get “excited” at the thought of sexual activities or anything. The idea of some sexual activity is… okay, but like, I have no irl experience or even desires so I don’t really know.

I blame a lot of this on my physical health. I have a health condition that causes me to have critically low to nonexistent libido and I don’t exercise (bad triggering thoughts around it, working on it in therapy), but like… what would that make me in a sexual orientation sense? A sex-positive grey ace? An allosexual of some kind?

I don’t know anymore. I still consider myself to be on the ace spectrum, but I’m thinking of just skipping the whole label scene entirely and just be whatever I want.

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Realizing I’m ace at 29

Just need to rant a bit, I’ve been in an identity crisis for years and I don’t know how to proceed.

My whole life I’ve considered myself a typical straight male, but I realized in the past couple years I’ve really enjoyed sex. In my relationships I’ve had it’s always felt like a chore, something I’m supposed to do as a man. Every time I’ve had sex has been a result of this dynamic, and I’m now trying to figure out how to accept that I don’t want sex to be a part of my life or personality.

I’m really struggling with this, because as a “normal” person so much conversation with other men revolves around sex, and so many women think you’re gay or just weird if you tell them you’re “not a sexual person.” When I talk to my family the conversation becomes “when are you going to get married and have children?” I think it would break my parents’ hearts to learn I’m not going to carry on the family name.

I’ve been faking being sexual for so long, and I just can’t anymore, I’m exhausted. The last time I had sex was a couple years ago. It was so uncomfortable and I felt situationally forced into it. I still feel awful about the whole thing.

I don’t want to be part of any community, I hate all the stupid classifications and identities. I just want to be seen as a person. But I’m so tired of feeling lonely in a world that is so sex-focused. How do I even navigate the world and relationships after coming to the realization that I’m ace?

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salt your pasta
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being sex repulsed when everything seems to be getting more ‘traditional’/conservative/right wing

I don’t think I’m the only ace person in the world to have thought much about this, but I’ve been thinking a lot recently about The World and the way things are going, especially with the swing to everything suddenly being really conservative, at least in the West. Jojo Siwa’s Betty Davis song and all the discussion with that, all the backlash Sabrina Carpenter got with that album cover, Andrew Tate, tradwives, all of it, it feels like modesty and being anti-sex is slowly starting to become the ‘in’ thing.

Thing is, I’m a sex repulsed aroace, which is a solid part of my identity. I’m very sex positive for other people (every adult should be able to do what they like with whoever they like, with consent - that should be celebrated!), but being more modest in the way i dress and feeling comfortable not dating have been pretty empowering parts of my own identity as a queer person - it feels unsettling now to see those same things celebrated by the right wing to push other people down, especially queer people. has anyone else ever had the same feeling or thoughts?? does it ever affect you?

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Thats my biggest fear as sex repulsed

I saw this post in the other sub (NSFW details), long story short guy tried to have sex with his girlfriend but freak out after touching her genitalia, he said he have OCD, but I think thats how I would react if it happened to me as sex repulsed.

All the jokes and comments judging him... I feel embarassed for OP and for myself, even thougth it never happened to me.

I only date a girl once for about a month, even thought she was patience and knew I was ace I got overwelmed fast because she want to touch hand and kiss, and thats nothing comapare to sex. With this aversion I will never will get a healthy relationtionship.



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Am I asexual, aegosexual or just mentally ill?

This may sound like trolling to some of you but I promise it's not...

so I'm 28 yo man and quite a late-bloomer. Due to my difficult childhood and early teens, I was never in a relationship until a couple of months ago. It's not like I wasn't interested in women at all, I had some crushes, but I also had some things to fix about myself first, at least so I thought (I thought I'm not "good enough" to even try looking for someone).

A couple months ago I entered into my first relationship with an incredibly hot girl that was a few years younger and my opposite in almost every single way (yes, bed-experience as well). She was my first everything: first cuddling, first kissing, first sex. That relationship wasn't long, I ended it after like a month (unrelated to sex, mainly because of her avoidant attachment style).

I only had sex twice with her.

I loved hugging her. I could literally hug her a whole day when she was on her sleeping pills. I was so happy doing this.

Kissing... from what she said I was surprisingly good at it, given my lack of experience, but it wasn't really arousing me and I was doing it because she was doing it. And the sex... our first time she started with a blowjob and she tried hard to make me cum. And tbh I felt like it was very close to actually make me cum but eventually she got physically tired (she was trying for like 5-10 minutes I think). My penis was also quite hard when she was doing it. After that failed blowjob we tried normal sex but, well... it was quite hard to keep my erection inside her. To be honest it wasn't quite pleasant, she felt like too tight for me (which I told her and I saw the confusion painted on her face). It wasn't easy for me to keep the erection when I wasn't fucking her and when I was starting to fuck her it was even harder, going soft within seconds. We eventually stopped, concluded that it's probably due to stress and went to sleep. As for the tightness, she had some illness that was sometimes causing her pussy to be so tight that it was painful to her. But I have no idea if she was experiencing it during our first sex, at least she didn't say so. Anyway the sex itself felt like a chore to me, like physically it was exhausting and not really pleasant.

Before I talk about the second time I tried sex with her, a little side-note about masturbation. I masturbate on average every 2-3 days, been doing it since I was a teenager. I get aroused watching porn (straight porn, never gay) and my penis is harder than when I have real sex. I was also able without much problem to fap to her photos.

Ok, back to our relationship. After that first failed sex experience I immediately decided to quit porn and masturbation. The idea was: if I quit it, I will probably be more horny the next time and it will help. The next time we tried sex was like 3 or 4 weeks later. I didn't masturbate at all during that time, actually I'm quite surprised now that I didn't even found it that hard.

Anyway when the time came and I initiated, there was no blowjob, just a bit of kissing/biting and we went straight to business. But the story repeated itself, it was even harder to keep my penis aroused this time, it was getting flaccid instantly upon entering her pussy and after a few tries it didn't want to get up at all. I felt down because of this.

What surprised be was that during that period (between first and second time we had sex), when we were sleeping together and she was hugging me, it was enough that she moved her leg near my crotch-area and I would get full, hard boner, harder than when I actually had sex with her. I think it was the only thing that was making me really hard. Kissing, touching her boobs, biting her ear or when she was biting mine... it didn't really arouse me. Only blowjob was somewhat making is hard (but not at 100%).

Fast-forward to today, after multiple failed tinder dates (I'm lonely and I'm looking for a soulmate to cuddle with), I decided to pay for sex for the first time in my life, simply to find out if I'm even

capable of getting an orgasm. The woman I met with didn't look like on the photos but wasn't ugly either and I really tried to have fun and cum. Although it went a bit better than during the sex with my now ex-girlfriend, as I wasn't instantly going flaccid upon entering the pussy, I wasn't able to cum and my penis wasn't fully hard, more like 70% hard. The sex felt physically tiring and even though I felt a bit of physical pleasure in my penis when fucking her, it wasn't enough.

Now, for the last part, I want to talk a bit of my mental health. For years I was wondering if I have depression. I talk about this because apparently depression can influence libido or something. After meeting some people with depression (my ex-gf being one of them), I realized I probably don't have depression, however I suspect I may have dysthymia, which is somewhat similar (just longer and lighter, I think some people call it high-functioning depression). Next week I'm seeing a psychiatrist for the first time to confirm or deny that. I'm not sure how relevant is that to this topic but I wrote that just in case it's relevant.

Soo... what am I? What should I do? For the time being my plan is to see the psychiatrist and if he confirms I need meds, I will be taking them and if they actually work and make me happier, I will pay for sex again and see if anything changed. I guess..

PS. my testosterone levels are healthy

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I’ve seen a lot of attractive naked people, but just don’t understand how people get off to nudity alone.

I’m for sure aromantic, generally very sex-repulsed & likely gray-ace. I’ve had one enjoyable sexual experience in my life, I posted about it here. I’m AFAB NB and the only group I’ve ever felt any sexual attraction to ever is femme women.

I definitely do kinda understand the theoretical reasons why people like sex. Biological imperative mediated by culture & personal development, makes sense. What I really don’t understand, why do so many people find nudity that big of a deal? It makes sense that it’s escalation from being clothed toward sex… but why is there such a huge difference between bikini & naked? It seems disproportionate. Not even just in arousal or personal perception/behavior, but culturally & legally too. Why does that tiny escalation in the same context (eg a beach) make the difference between being fined (or arrested in some countries) & being totally culturally acceptable?

I’ve been in healthcare since I was 16, med student since 17 (non-western country with undergraduate entry programs), and paramedic since 18. I’ve probably seen thousands of naked people. Given my paramedic role is in the military, I do see a more physically athletic & conventionally attractive naked people than others in healthcare. Outside of healthcare, due to military experience (which there is a very high rate of military service in my country so this is very common), I have showered in the same room as dozens of other naked showering women — members of my preferred sex. Nothing from it at all.

I recently started my dermatology rotation in medical school as well. My first placement on this rotation is the skin screening program, which involves a lot of looking at naked people (to find skin cancer). Yesterday alone I saw 38 patients. Because this placement is at an aesthetic derm clinic marketed to young people, some of them quite conventionally attractive. Cannot fathom getting anything from that.



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Am I asexual?

I'm writing here because I'm not an expert on the subject (and sorry for the grammar, English is not my language). I don't think I experience sexual attraction, or at least I don't understand how it works. I like engaging in sexual activity, I really enjoy getting pleasure from it, I also like reading stuff about sex and got excited, but I don't think of other people that way. I can't imagine myself having sex with others even though I want to, I've never had thoughts like "I want to have sex with that person". When I try to imagine other people in that way, it feels out of place and almost disgusting. Sometimes it's as if my brain is trying to figure out how or what it feels like to be sexually attracted to others, but this desire for satisfaction seems contradictory(?). I don't know how to explain it, and I don't know if I fit the spectrum...

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