Even though both make up roughly the same percent of the population, why do I find more trans people on dating apps than aces?
I'm a trans ace woman in case you're wondering why, so I often am on the lookout for both aces and other trans people. But for real, even though statistically both make up roughly the same percentage, it feels like aces are rarer. Maybe aces are less likely to be on dating apps? Which I suppose makes sense. A lot of people use them to hookup which isn't really what most aces are into. So it still leaves me wondering how to find local aces
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I'm a trans ace woman in case you're wondering why, so I often am on the lookout for both aces and other trans people. But for real, even though statistically both make up roughly the same percentage, it feels like aces are rarer. Maybe aces are less likely to be on dating apps? Which I suppose makes sense. A lot of people use them to hookup which isn't really what most aces are into. So it still leaves me wondering how to find local aces
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im so sad
im tolerant of sex, but god i hate oral so much. i love my boyfriend very much, but god every time i give head it feels so degrading. i feel like i become a slab of meat, and all my individuality and integrity flies out the window while performing. i know its not normal to feel this way, but god i wish i was normal. i think this time was like my breaking point. i just felt like crying the whole time. im just so upset right now i just need to write this out.
https://redd.it/1mlhwou
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im tolerant of sex, but god i hate oral so much. i love my boyfriend very much, but god every time i give head it feels so degrading. i feel like i become a slab of meat, and all my individuality and integrity flies out the window while performing. i know its not normal to feel this way, but god i wish i was normal. i think this time was like my breaking point. i just felt like crying the whole time. im just so upset right now i just need to write this out.
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SIL might be ace and asking me questions about it
sooo my SIL has had only negative experiences and traumatic events happen in the category of sexual experiences. this being things like inappropriate touching when she was in school and her mom is very outwardly a sexual person, so i wonder if her lack of situational awareness has negatively impacted my SIL. (basically her mom has loud nasty sex and doesnt care who hears, and makes sexual comments to her, its weird)
anyways, as someone who is not ace, im happy shes able to come to me and ask about sexual things, but i dont know if im helping or hurting.
i dont understand being ace and i accept that i never will. when she comes to me asking about how she "should feel" about things, i just advise her that its okay to feel the way she does and if shes willing to be open minded, it may change the way she feels and she could some day feel more comfortable with things like that.
in encouraging her to explore things before she fully shuts it down, am i doing wrong? shes very blunt and will tell me off if im uspetting her, but i just wonder is me always telling her "that door is always open" setting her up for failure? i never want to make her feel pressured or that she should be a sexually active person, but i cant help but think she just has only had negative experiences with things out of her control.. so maybe if she took back control when shes ready she might like it?
is that rude of me to encourage and communicate to her? again i dont understand what its like being ace and never will, but i want to support her as best i can by just reminding her things change and its okay to feel one way today and another tomorrow.
i just need a little reassurance that im not pressuring her moreso into a negative feeling rather than encouraging her to take back control and do what shes comfortable with.
any advice would be appreciated 🙏
https://redd.it/1mlgb32
@asexualityonreddit
sooo my SIL has had only negative experiences and traumatic events happen in the category of sexual experiences. this being things like inappropriate touching when she was in school and her mom is very outwardly a sexual person, so i wonder if her lack of situational awareness has negatively impacted my SIL. (basically her mom has loud nasty sex and doesnt care who hears, and makes sexual comments to her, its weird)
anyways, as someone who is not ace, im happy shes able to come to me and ask about sexual things, but i dont know if im helping or hurting.
i dont understand being ace and i accept that i never will. when she comes to me asking about how she "should feel" about things, i just advise her that its okay to feel the way she does and if shes willing to be open minded, it may change the way she feels and she could some day feel more comfortable with things like that.
in encouraging her to explore things before she fully shuts it down, am i doing wrong? shes very blunt and will tell me off if im uspetting her, but i just wonder is me always telling her "that door is always open" setting her up for failure? i never want to make her feel pressured or that she should be a sexually active person, but i cant help but think she just has only had negative experiences with things out of her control.. so maybe if she took back control when shes ready she might like it?
is that rude of me to encourage and communicate to her? again i dont understand what its like being ace and never will, but i want to support her as best i can by just reminding her things change and its okay to feel one way today and another tomorrow.
i just need a little reassurance that im not pressuring her moreso into a negative feeling rather than encouraging her to take back control and do what shes comfortable with.
any advice would be appreciated 🙏
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Just realizing could be Asexual
Hi. I (30F) have been married 4 years to my husband (M30). We have two small kids. For some background, my first experience with sex was very painful. It was consensual, but very painful. I didn’t tell him to stop because I am a people pleaser. Ever since my first relationship, I’ve never really yearned for or even cared for sex. I just wanted to make sure I was pleasing my partner. I thought it was all good because they’d usually “help” me afterwards, if you catch my drift. When i met my husband, it was the same deal; do it because that’s what is expected. And though I acted like I wanted it, I really didn’t, and I never cared for being “helped” either.
Well fast forward 2 kids later (yes, I know). I’ve developed this awful desire of not wanting to have sex ever, not kiss, or hug, or be held.. all I want is to be alone. But not emotionally. Idk I hope I’m making sense. I’ve realized over the past few weeks, I’ve only ever been attracted to a man’s appearance and how they treated me.
I would rarely if ever think of their penis. So now I’m dealing with this issue of being in a marriage where I just don’t want any intimacy anymore. It’s obviously not fair to my husband. But I feel like I’m screaming inside every time he kisses me or tries to put it in (after saying no more than once). Idk guys I’m really at a crossroads here. Please if you can be kind, this is new for me, I’m scared and have no one to talk to.
https://redd.it/1mljg25
@asexualityonreddit
Hi. I (30F) have been married 4 years to my husband (M30). We have two small kids. For some background, my first experience with sex was very painful. It was consensual, but very painful. I didn’t tell him to stop because I am a people pleaser. Ever since my first relationship, I’ve never really yearned for or even cared for sex. I just wanted to make sure I was pleasing my partner. I thought it was all good because they’d usually “help” me afterwards, if you catch my drift. When i met my husband, it was the same deal; do it because that’s what is expected. And though I acted like I wanted it, I really didn’t, and I never cared for being “helped” either.
Well fast forward 2 kids later (yes, I know). I’ve developed this awful desire of not wanting to have sex ever, not kiss, or hug, or be held.. all I want is to be alone. But not emotionally. Idk I hope I’m making sense. I’ve realized over the past few weeks, I’ve only ever been attracted to a man’s appearance and how they treated me.
I would rarely if ever think of their penis. So now I’m dealing with this issue of being in a marriage where I just don’t want any intimacy anymore. It’s obviously not fair to my husband. But I feel like I’m screaming inside every time he kisses me or tries to put it in (after saying no more than once). Idk guys I’m really at a crossroads here. Please if you can be kind, this is new for me, I’m scared and have no one to talk to.
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Waiting for marriage to have sex?..
So, I’m ace. I have no interest in having sex, really. In marriage, outside of marriage. I’m 30, I’ve tried. Like, when I felt close to certain men and felt strong connection to them (happened twice), I tried, and it was not abysmal, but nothing I actively want. I also tried ONS or with men who seemed like good men, but it was abysmal. So, maybe I will have sex with my partner, I don’t know. But for me, every time I tried having sex for the purpose of keeping a man (not manipulating him — just giving him what he wants sometimes because he’s a good man and treated me well), the men left. Because they saw that I wasn’t enthusiastic about it and I didn’t care. So, now I don’t really want to have sex with anyone outside a super committed relationship — just not worth it for me. I don’t need it, I don’t have any physical desire, don’t suffer myself from lack of sex. And to do it for a man who will leave me anyway… What’s the point. But I might be willing to explore sex with my husband. I might. I don’t know. Maybe it’ll end with just one time we try before I lose interest completely. Maybe I’ll be able to do it once every couple of months/a month/a week. I have no idea. But I’m not ready to even bother for men who are going to leave me anyway when I don’t get anything (pleasure) out of it.
I thought that maybe I need to present myself as waiting for marriage to have sex. It’s important to say that I’m an atheist, and guys who are willing to try dating me are usually also atheists or maybe believe but don’t observe anything. But then, when I think about it, read about people waiting for marriage to have sex, I understand that they’re LOOKING FORWARD to having sex. They don’t use marriage as an excuse not to have sex — they WANT to have sex. So, if I tell a guy that I want to have sex after marriage, and then after marriage I’m still not interested, will it be a lie? Like, I always thought that people who wait for marriage to have sex just don’t really prioritize sex, they prioritize other types of connection…
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@asexualityonreddit
So, I’m ace. I have no interest in having sex, really. In marriage, outside of marriage. I’m 30, I’ve tried. Like, when I felt close to certain men and felt strong connection to them (happened twice), I tried, and it was not abysmal, but nothing I actively want. I also tried ONS or with men who seemed like good men, but it was abysmal. So, maybe I will have sex with my partner, I don’t know. But for me, every time I tried having sex for the purpose of keeping a man (not manipulating him — just giving him what he wants sometimes because he’s a good man and treated me well), the men left. Because they saw that I wasn’t enthusiastic about it and I didn’t care. So, now I don’t really want to have sex with anyone outside a super committed relationship — just not worth it for me. I don’t need it, I don’t have any physical desire, don’t suffer myself from lack of sex. And to do it for a man who will leave me anyway… What’s the point. But I might be willing to explore sex with my husband. I might. I don’t know. Maybe it’ll end with just one time we try before I lose interest completely. Maybe I’ll be able to do it once every couple of months/a month/a week. I have no idea. But I’m not ready to even bother for men who are going to leave me anyway when I don’t get anything (pleasure) out of it.
I thought that maybe I need to present myself as waiting for marriage to have sex. It’s important to say that I’m an atheist, and guys who are willing to try dating me are usually also atheists or maybe believe but don’t observe anything. But then, when I think about it, read about people waiting for marriage to have sex, I understand that they’re LOOKING FORWARD to having sex. They don’t use marriage as an excuse not to have sex — they WANT to have sex. So, if I tell a guy that I want to have sex after marriage, and then after marriage I’m still not interested, will it be a lie? Like, I always thought that people who wait for marriage to have sex just don’t really prioritize sex, they prioritize other types of connection…
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Do people actually Enjoy feeling horny?
I probably have PGAD and am having a particularly uncomfortable episode but I just cannot fathom how people enjoy feeling like this. It's like desperately needing to pee but not having a bathroom, or having an itch you can't reach. The desire for relief isn't a desire for pleasure, it's a desire to stop feeling discomfort. For years self-pleasuring has just felt like a chore, like something I'm obligated and pressured into doing because my hormones tell me to, and sometimes I wish I could just physically remove it all. I'd imagine this might be similar to gender dysphoria, but I do identify as the gender I was assigned at birth, I just wish I didn't have any of the hardware that came along with it.
It wasn't until recently that I realized that people actually enjoy feeling horny and seek it out. So I just want to understand what it is that people find appealing about it. Part of me wants to enjoy it, but it's just not something I can physically understand
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I probably have PGAD and am having a particularly uncomfortable episode but I just cannot fathom how people enjoy feeling like this. It's like desperately needing to pee but not having a bathroom, or having an itch you can't reach. The desire for relief isn't a desire for pleasure, it's a desire to stop feeling discomfort. For years self-pleasuring has just felt like a chore, like something I'm obligated and pressured into doing because my hormones tell me to, and sometimes I wish I could just physically remove it all. I'd imagine this might be similar to gender dysphoria, but I do identify as the gender I was assigned at birth, I just wish I didn't have any of the hardware that came along with it.
It wasn't until recently that I realized that people actually enjoy feeling horny and seek it out. So I just want to understand what it is that people find appealing about it. Part of me wants to enjoy it, but it's just not something I can physically understand
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Not ace myself, but I have a question purely for creating an "Evil Shinzo Abe" meme.
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https://redd.it/1mlmyze
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From the aaaaaaacccccccce community on Reddit: Not ace myself, but I have a question purely for creating an "Evil Shinzo Abe" meme.
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I feel so deeply disappointed by everyone (allo) right now.
For some reason, I still don't understand that other people ACTUALLY want sex and are having it. I remember being in my first relationship, assuming that surely, we're still too young for this and not into all of this stuff, right? That's until my then boyfriend told me what he did with his ex and demanded to do sexual things with me, too. It made me feel so disgusted and repulsed from him as a person. And then came the realization that his is the common experience, not mine. It feels like the whole world is betraying me and noone understands me.
So I had a first date recently and it went really well, we talked for hours, had a laugh, chatted for a couple days now, very friendly and not at all "romantic" so far. All good until tonight, he shared a couple of memes and "funny videos" with me that were sexual jokes, the kind of stuff you'd just expect in mens WhatsApp groups... It was nothing graphic or explicit but still grossed me out so bad. I don't know why I even still believe people are "innocent" in that way. I immediately felt objectified and repulsed. No idea whether he's making allusions or just trying to be funny, I just don't wanna be anywhere near those. I didn't rly know what to reply or how to act now.
My dating profile does say I'm asexual but we didn't have a talk about it explicitly yet because I'm very uncomfortable with talking about that and it felt very out of place in the casual talks we had. Guess it's due soon now..
I feel silly but this tiny thing just made me feel so alone. I'm not trying to hate on anyone, rationally I know sexuality is normal and okay. But truth is, as a sex repulsed person, I just feel betrayed by the whole world and disgusted by everyone right now... This hit really hard. And idk why I keep being naive and believing people are more "innocent" in those aspects. I just need to talk to someone who shares my feelings about this right now, but I don't have any ace friends 😓 It feels like noone will understand me ever. I wish dating asexual people wasn't so hard/impossible. I'm starting to think it is the only way. I'm aware that there's gonna be problems when dating allos. But this showed me again... I feel like I'm just incompatible with everyone. Time to uninstall the dating apps again, I guess.
I don't want to panic and leave btw. I always panic and leave. We had a nice day and I was looking forward to doing more together. Should I talk to him about this or for now just try to ignore it and change the topic, focus on other things? 😓
Vent end...
https://redd.it/1mlle5o
@asexualityonreddit
For some reason, I still don't understand that other people ACTUALLY want sex and are having it. I remember being in my first relationship, assuming that surely, we're still too young for this and not into all of this stuff, right? That's until my then boyfriend told me what he did with his ex and demanded to do sexual things with me, too. It made me feel so disgusted and repulsed from him as a person. And then came the realization that his is the common experience, not mine. It feels like the whole world is betraying me and noone understands me.
So I had a first date recently and it went really well, we talked for hours, had a laugh, chatted for a couple days now, very friendly and not at all "romantic" so far. All good until tonight, he shared a couple of memes and "funny videos" with me that were sexual jokes, the kind of stuff you'd just expect in mens WhatsApp groups... It was nothing graphic or explicit but still grossed me out so bad. I don't know why I even still believe people are "innocent" in that way. I immediately felt objectified and repulsed. No idea whether he's making allusions or just trying to be funny, I just don't wanna be anywhere near those. I didn't rly know what to reply or how to act now.
My dating profile does say I'm asexual but we didn't have a talk about it explicitly yet because I'm very uncomfortable with talking about that and it felt very out of place in the casual talks we had. Guess it's due soon now..
I feel silly but this tiny thing just made me feel so alone. I'm not trying to hate on anyone, rationally I know sexuality is normal and okay. But truth is, as a sex repulsed person, I just feel betrayed by the whole world and disgusted by everyone right now... This hit really hard. And idk why I keep being naive and believing people are more "innocent" in those aspects. I just need to talk to someone who shares my feelings about this right now, but I don't have any ace friends 😓 It feels like noone will understand me ever. I wish dating asexual people wasn't so hard/impossible. I'm starting to think it is the only way. I'm aware that there's gonna be problems when dating allos. But this showed me again... I feel like I'm just incompatible with everyone. Time to uninstall the dating apps again, I guess.
I don't want to panic and leave btw. I always panic and leave. We had a nice day and I was looking forward to doing more together. Should I talk to him about this or for now just try to ignore it and change the topic, focus on other things? 😓
Vent end...
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Needed this out of my head and my notes app
Why can't I just feel it? Why can't it be easy like it seems to be for everyone else? I don't feel broken, but I feel like something in me is. Like there's this huge disconnect between who I always thought I'd be and who I am. Where are the sparks, the gut feeling? Do I even have those? Is it just not for him? Why can't it be for him? We could be so good for eachother. Maybe it's best? I think we would both end up resentful. Hurt. More than we already are. I don't know if we could handle more hurt. I want it to be like a movie, like we need the build up for the payoff. But I also believe in "you know when you know" and I just don't know. Why can't I fucking know? Will I ever? What does that mean for our friendship? What does it mean for me?
https://redd.it/1mlm6if
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Why can't I just feel it? Why can't it be easy like it seems to be for everyone else? I don't feel broken, but I feel like something in me is. Like there's this huge disconnect between who I always thought I'd be and who I am. Where are the sparks, the gut feeling? Do I even have those? Is it just not for him? Why can't it be for him? We could be so good for eachother. Maybe it's best? I think we would both end up resentful. Hurt. More than we already are. I don't know if we could handle more hurt. I want it to be like a movie, like we need the build up for the payoff. But I also believe in "you know when you know" and I just don't know. Why can't I fucking know? Will I ever? What does that mean for our friendship? What does it mean for me?
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Sex-favorable aces exist
As a sex-favorable ace, I often times feel very distant from the ace community. So often I hear people equate having sex to allosexuality, but asexual ≠ celibate. Asexual ≠ sex-repulsed. No, I don't experience sexual attraction, but I still participate in allosexual sex culture because I like it and think it's fun! And I am definitely not the only ace with this experience. There's a surprising number of kinky aces out there too.
So this is my plea for the community to stop equating asexuality with sex-repulsion. Sex-repulsed aces are valid and deserve their space in the community, of course, but so do sex-indifferent and sex-favorable aces. And we shouldn't forget that sex-repulsed allos exist too! Asexuality is experiencing little to no sexual attraction. It has nothing to do with feelings towards sex itself or willingness to participate in sex. Sexual desire can exist without sexual attraction.
Anyway, I just wanted to put this reminder out there, and I'm more than happy to talk with people in the comments about this. I love this community and just want to make sure all who are part of it feel welcome within it!
https://redd.it/1mlszpm
@asexualityonreddit
As a sex-favorable ace, I often times feel very distant from the ace community. So often I hear people equate having sex to allosexuality, but asexual ≠ celibate. Asexual ≠ sex-repulsed. No, I don't experience sexual attraction, but I still participate in allosexual sex culture because I like it and think it's fun! And I am definitely not the only ace with this experience. There's a surprising number of kinky aces out there too.
So this is my plea for the community to stop equating asexuality with sex-repulsion. Sex-repulsed aces are valid and deserve their space in the community, of course, but so do sex-indifferent and sex-favorable aces. And we shouldn't forget that sex-repulsed allos exist too! Asexuality is experiencing little to no sexual attraction. It has nothing to do with feelings towards sex itself or willingness to participate in sex. Sexual desire can exist without sexual attraction.
Anyway, I just wanted to put this reminder out there, and I'm more than happy to talk with people in the comments about this. I love this community and just want to make sure all who are part of it feel welcome within it!
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How do you go through life being a sex negative asexual?
I feel uncomfortrable even within asexual safe spaces sometimes.
I got my family harassing me and talking to me about uncomfortrable topics, when I was already doing well avoiding these topics of sex, while sometimes I go online for comfort when my family keep upsetting me, and I see more things about being sex positive than anything and it makes me feel more alone.....
I get that sex positive asexual exist but I feel lonely. If u are sex negative, how do u do it?....
I try to avoid nsfw things because why waste my time on topics I dislike, but yeah. I need advise plz.
https://redd.it/1mlw436
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I feel uncomfortrable even within asexual safe spaces sometimes.
I got my family harassing me and talking to me about uncomfortrable topics, when I was already doing well avoiding these topics of sex, while sometimes I go online for comfort when my family keep upsetting me, and I see more things about being sex positive than anything and it makes me feel more alone.....
I get that sex positive asexual exist but I feel lonely. If u are sex negative, how do u do it?....
I try to avoid nsfw things because why waste my time on topics I dislike, but yeah. I need advise plz.
https://redd.it/1mlw436
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(18f) when to tell boyfriend i'm ace?
Hi! Using a throwaway since my bf knows my main reddit account.
I'm a rising college freshman and just got into a relationship with my boyfriend a week ago. We're both going to amazing unis (I'm so proud of him!) and we will be long-distance in college but our colleges are quite close to each other, so we can definitely meet up. (This will be relevant later.)
My boyfriend and I are in the same friend group and, recently, me and two others in the friend group met up. They are in a relationship and, the whole time we were hanging out, were very handsy with each other, going as far as reaching under each others' shirts in public. I remarked on this to my boyfriend and he said something along the lines of "I don't know, that sounds kind of fun," which is why I feel the need to tell him that I'm ace.
I am not completely repulsed to the idea of sex and would be okay with trying it at some point, especially if it's important to my partner. However, I am 100% certain that I am not sexually attracted to him (even though I think he's gorgeous and cute) and have never experienced sexual attraction in my life. Do you think I should bring my asexuality up to him the next time it comes up naturally? Am I right for expecting that he might want to have sex one day? If we're planning to go long-distance soon anyways, would pushing off the conversation be a better idea?
Part of me is just really afraid that he will break up with me or reevaluate the relationship which is why I'm hesitant to tell him. At the same time, I don't want to deceive him, and I know it's better to tell him now when things aren't super serious yet. Thank you so much, anything helps!
https://redd.it/1mm4u2x
@asexualityonreddit
Hi! Using a throwaway since my bf knows my main reddit account.
I'm a rising college freshman and just got into a relationship with my boyfriend a week ago. We're both going to amazing unis (I'm so proud of him!) and we will be long-distance in college but our colleges are quite close to each other, so we can definitely meet up. (This will be relevant later.)
My boyfriend and I are in the same friend group and, recently, me and two others in the friend group met up. They are in a relationship and, the whole time we were hanging out, were very handsy with each other, going as far as reaching under each others' shirts in public. I remarked on this to my boyfriend and he said something along the lines of "I don't know, that sounds kind of fun," which is why I feel the need to tell him that I'm ace.
I am not completely repulsed to the idea of sex and would be okay with trying it at some point, especially if it's important to my partner. However, I am 100% certain that I am not sexually attracted to him (even though I think he's gorgeous and cute) and have never experienced sexual attraction in my life. Do you think I should bring my asexuality up to him the next time it comes up naturally? Am I right for expecting that he might want to have sex one day? If we're planning to go long-distance soon anyways, would pushing off the conversation be a better idea?
Part of me is just really afraid that he will break up with me or reevaluate the relationship which is why I'm hesitant to tell him. At the same time, I don't want to deceive him, and I know it's better to tell him now when things aren't super serious yet. Thank you so much, anything helps!
https://redd.it/1mm4u2x
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Garlic bread posting because I tried it finally recently and this is so fucking good
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https://redd.it/1mm5zum
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