Do you believe we’re only 1%?
I’ve read this so many times! “Asexuals are only 1% of the population.” People use this like common knowledge, but when you’re searching for the source - it’s always some small research taken in 2002 or a poll with a small number of participants.
Tbh, I think if it were a really huge poll, the results still would be doubtful.
First of all, to say you’re asexual, you must know asexuality EXISTS. We aces are not so widely popular. I haven’t heard of asexuality for most of my life (and I’m 34).
You must know not only the word but the actual meaning. What asexuality is. But your first introduction to asexuality can be some stupid opinion or misconception. In this case you can just think, Oh, that’s definitely not me, and stop investigating the topic.
Also, you must actively think about your orientation to conclude you’re asexual. And for many aces sex-related themes are not the most interesting stuff. They just don’t question themselves, too busy thinking of their careers, hobbies, or families.
Some people believe they would still meet “The One”. Or think they are ill, broken, or traumatized, not realizing they’re just asexual.
Society constantly tells us sex is such an enormous and important part of life. No wonder that some can’t accept their asexuality. (It can be hard to accept it in your head, and to say it even in an anonymous poll is an even harder challenge).
I think sometimes of people I met years ago. They might have been asexuals, they acted and talked like they were ace. But I had no idea then. And they may live their whole life and never know.
So is 1% is our proportion in the population, or does the number just shows how tiny our representation is in a global discourse?
(Please excuse my English, I’m not a native speaker).
https://redd.it/1lg09ka
@asexualityonreddit
I’ve read this so many times! “Asexuals are only 1% of the population.” People use this like common knowledge, but when you’re searching for the source - it’s always some small research taken in 2002 or a poll with a small number of participants.
Tbh, I think if it were a really huge poll, the results still would be doubtful.
First of all, to say you’re asexual, you must know asexuality EXISTS. We aces are not so widely popular. I haven’t heard of asexuality for most of my life (and I’m 34).
You must know not only the word but the actual meaning. What asexuality is. But your first introduction to asexuality can be some stupid opinion or misconception. In this case you can just think, Oh, that’s definitely not me, and stop investigating the topic.
Also, you must actively think about your orientation to conclude you’re asexual. And for many aces sex-related themes are not the most interesting stuff. They just don’t question themselves, too busy thinking of their careers, hobbies, or families.
Some people believe they would still meet “The One”. Or think they are ill, broken, or traumatized, not realizing they’re just asexual.
Society constantly tells us sex is such an enormous and important part of life. No wonder that some can’t accept their asexuality. (It can be hard to accept it in your head, and to say it even in an anonymous poll is an even harder challenge).
I think sometimes of people I met years ago. They might have been asexuals, they acted and talked like they were ace. But I had no idea then. And they may live their whole life and never know.
So is 1% is our proportion in the population, or does the number just shows how tiny our representation is in a global discourse?
(Please excuse my English, I’m not a native speaker).
https://redd.it/1lg09ka
@asexualityonreddit
Reddit
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I'm ace and I keep having sexual dreams... it makes me so uncomfortable.
I started Lexapro for my anxiety maybe a year ago, and something it can do it cause very vivid dreams. Well, that would be fine if it didn't give me vividly SEXUAL dreams. It's probably not possible without stopping the med, but jeez, is there anything I can do to calm down these dreams? Lexapro helps me a whole lot so I don't want to stop using it just for one silly symptom, but most times when I have a freaky dream, I wake up and feel dirty 😭😭😭 it's... agh I don't like it!
https://redd.it/1lg7bsr
@asexualityonreddit
I started Lexapro for my anxiety maybe a year ago, and something it can do it cause very vivid dreams. Well, that would be fine if it didn't give me vividly SEXUAL dreams. It's probably not possible without stopping the med, but jeez, is there anything I can do to calm down these dreams? Lexapro helps me a whole lot so I don't want to stop using it just for one silly symptom, but most times when I have a freaky dream, I wake up and feel dirty 😭😭😭 it's... agh I don't like it!
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@asexualityonreddit
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Doctor said pap smear would break my hymen (and other things)
I went to our family clinic yesterday to do our annual checkup. I talked to the newer doctor (so not the one I’m used to). Normally this would be fine, but the interaction I had was not the usual one I got each year.
I’m over 25, so she said I should do a pap smear at some point. Which seems reasonable enough, but I’ve never had penetrative sex (which felt hard/awkward to explain to her). I got it across eventually, then she asked if I was a virgin and then said the pap smear would break my hymen and I don’t have to do it for now unless I requested it.
She didn’t have any bad intentions telling me all this I’m sure, but I just felt… I don’t know, bad? About hearing all of this. Does a pap smear tear the hymen?? That doesn’t sound good at all. And I’m told that hymen tearing isn’t necessarily an indicator of virginity, not that I like the traditional concept of female virginity to begin with (some trauma from secondhand stories of SA). I’ve found it to not be a healthy concept for me.
The whole interaction just makes me down in a way I can’t explain. Next time I go, I will ask for my regular doctor, especially since I was asking about getting birth control yesterday and I plan to again. Does anyone have any advice for me?
https://redd.it/1lg4i69
@asexualityonreddit
I went to our family clinic yesterday to do our annual checkup. I talked to the newer doctor (so not the one I’m used to). Normally this would be fine, but the interaction I had was not the usual one I got each year.
I’m over 25, so she said I should do a pap smear at some point. Which seems reasonable enough, but I’ve never had penetrative sex (which felt hard/awkward to explain to her). I got it across eventually, then she asked if I was a virgin and then said the pap smear would break my hymen and I don’t have to do it for now unless I requested it.
She didn’t have any bad intentions telling me all this I’m sure, but I just felt… I don’t know, bad? About hearing all of this. Does a pap smear tear the hymen?? That doesn’t sound good at all. And I’m told that hymen tearing isn’t necessarily an indicator of virginity, not that I like the traditional concept of female virginity to begin with (some trauma from secondhand stories of SA). I’ve found it to not be a healthy concept for me.
The whole interaction just makes me down in a way I can’t explain. Next time I go, I will ask for my regular doctor, especially since I was asking about getting birth control yesterday and I plan to again. Does anyone have any advice for me?
https://redd.it/1lg4i69
@asexualityonreddit
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How do you start to live life more as your ace self, if you have a complicated history?
TL;DR How do you start living authentically as an asexual person, instead of compulsively seeking out sex due to trauma/hypersexuality, trying to use sex to make friends when you don't know how to make friends otherwise, etc? How do you make choices because you want to make them, instead of trying to be socially valued, when society seems to value me more when i have sex I don't want?
So a (not so) brief history of my experiences
cw brief mentions of trauma, and social stigma against people who don't have sex
Basically, I am on the asexual spectrum and also hypersexual due to trauma.
I am also late-diagnosed autistic, and have a hard time getting close to anybody.
I'm super friendly, but I get lost trying to figure out how to actually have close friends/confidants/etc. I struggle to ask for or accept help, or let people in on my genuine thoughts and feelings.
I have used sex as a tool repeatedly in my life to basically bypass all the stuff I don't know about how to make close friends, and to feel wanted in a controlled way as a traumatized person.
I realized a year or two ago i am on the ace spectrum.
At least half of the sex I have had (probably more) is sex I did not truly want and was just a tool, a violation of myself, an attempt at feeling valued, or a trauma response/something I did automatically instead of because I wanted it. I also have psychosis and use sex to escape the psychosis.
I don't know how to like, actually start living my life as my ace-spec self. Ideally, sex would be a pretty minimal part of my life.
I want to learn to bond with people through my interests and nonsexual bonding activities. I want to feel confident about myself regardless of whether someone wants to fuck me.
But so much of my life currently revolves around it. It's not something I can just cold turkey stop relying on in all these unhealthy ways.
Even when I'm alone, I'm thinking about how I could dress more attractively, or where to meet people who might want me sexually.
None of it is actually for me.
It's not driven by me wanting or enjoying sex. It's driven by wanting to feel wantable.
I genuinely don't know if I believe that anybody would still care about me if I stopped having sex. Even people I don't have sex with, I've internalized the stigma that if I want to have social value, I need to be "a person who fucks" (or better, the super hot fuckable person everyone wants but can't have).
I hate that. It's such bullshit. And also, it is sorta a very common aspect of the society I live in, unfortunately. The culture I live in is obsessed with controlling people's sexualities and making sex appeal a whole profitable industry, and if you don't have sex, you're treated as a failure who needs to be controlled/made over/etc into caring about being hot and having sex.
I don't know how to process these things and stop internalizing all that stigma. I just want to be me. I just want to live my life and feel like my life is valued by more than just me. But to be honest, if I stop having sex/being available for sex, I think it would be valued by a lot fewer people. (I am also a member of multiple other marginalized communities that can sorta add up to me being the one left out and expected to stay home and die alone tbh).
Has anyone else been through anything similar? How do you get through all this and just start being free and living life the way you want to?
It's so absurd because I put so much effort into pursuing sex I don't want, I could just stop all that effort. But trauma brain is terrified of that, it's genuinely a massive fear to me of what would happen if I just, stopped doing all the things the world has convinced me I have to do to be safe and valued.
cw more sexual trauma stuff
With sexual trauma, the way i made myself feel less scared during it was by going along with it. I pretend i wanted it because then it's not abuse and I wasn't in danger.
And i feel like i just do that every day now,
TL;DR How do you start living authentically as an asexual person, instead of compulsively seeking out sex due to trauma/hypersexuality, trying to use sex to make friends when you don't know how to make friends otherwise, etc? How do you make choices because you want to make them, instead of trying to be socially valued, when society seems to value me more when i have sex I don't want?
So a (not so) brief history of my experiences
cw brief mentions of trauma, and social stigma against people who don't have sex
Basically, I am on the asexual spectrum and also hypersexual due to trauma.
I am also late-diagnosed autistic, and have a hard time getting close to anybody.
I'm super friendly, but I get lost trying to figure out how to actually have close friends/confidants/etc. I struggle to ask for or accept help, or let people in on my genuine thoughts and feelings.
I have used sex as a tool repeatedly in my life to basically bypass all the stuff I don't know about how to make close friends, and to feel wanted in a controlled way as a traumatized person.
I realized a year or two ago i am on the ace spectrum.
At least half of the sex I have had (probably more) is sex I did not truly want and was just a tool, a violation of myself, an attempt at feeling valued, or a trauma response/something I did automatically instead of because I wanted it. I also have psychosis and use sex to escape the psychosis.
I don't know how to like, actually start living my life as my ace-spec self. Ideally, sex would be a pretty minimal part of my life.
I want to learn to bond with people through my interests and nonsexual bonding activities. I want to feel confident about myself regardless of whether someone wants to fuck me.
But so much of my life currently revolves around it. It's not something I can just cold turkey stop relying on in all these unhealthy ways.
Even when I'm alone, I'm thinking about how I could dress more attractively, or where to meet people who might want me sexually.
None of it is actually for me.
It's not driven by me wanting or enjoying sex. It's driven by wanting to feel wantable.
I genuinely don't know if I believe that anybody would still care about me if I stopped having sex. Even people I don't have sex with, I've internalized the stigma that if I want to have social value, I need to be "a person who fucks" (or better, the super hot fuckable person everyone wants but can't have).
I hate that. It's such bullshit. And also, it is sorta a very common aspect of the society I live in, unfortunately. The culture I live in is obsessed with controlling people's sexualities and making sex appeal a whole profitable industry, and if you don't have sex, you're treated as a failure who needs to be controlled/made over/etc into caring about being hot and having sex.
I don't know how to process these things and stop internalizing all that stigma. I just want to be me. I just want to live my life and feel like my life is valued by more than just me. But to be honest, if I stop having sex/being available for sex, I think it would be valued by a lot fewer people. (I am also a member of multiple other marginalized communities that can sorta add up to me being the one left out and expected to stay home and die alone tbh).
Has anyone else been through anything similar? How do you get through all this and just start being free and living life the way you want to?
It's so absurd because I put so much effort into pursuing sex I don't want, I could just stop all that effort. But trauma brain is terrified of that, it's genuinely a massive fear to me of what would happen if I just, stopped doing all the things the world has convinced me I have to do to be safe and valued.
cw more sexual trauma stuff
With sexual trauma, the way i made myself feel less scared during it was by going along with it. I pretend i wanted it because then it's not abuse and I wasn't in danger.
And i feel like i just do that every day now,