Confusion on whether I'm asexual or not

Hi everyone,

I'm a questioning asexual (17F) and for a long time, I wasn't aware of asexuality at all (or much of the queer spectrum, beyond being gay/lesbian/bi). I'm pretty sure I'm queer, but about 2 years ago I started noticing how it was odd that I experienced very little romantic/sexual attraction. Although I am still a teenager, I felt like it was difficult to relate to many of the attractions that my friends were expressing. I also remember telling my friends I had crushes without fully knowing that crushes meant romantic attraction (I more so experienced it as thinking they're a very interesting person or wanting to be friends with them). Therefore, I don't think I've had "crushes" in a very traditional sense, although I've had these "crushes" on both men and women.

However, recently, I've also felt kind of a pressure to get into a relationship. It could be because of influence from my peers (my peers often talk about relationships and wanting romantic ones), and also just being surrounded by the concept of romance in general. Every time I imagine myself in a relationship, I kind of get an "ick" feeling (which gets worse when I imagine anything related to intercourse). It might also be because I view myself as kind of awkward in general, so imagining myself in those scenarios creates more awkwardness.

Also, it doesn't help that I'm from an East Asian household that doesn't even know about asexuality at all and is homophobic in general. I genuinely just wish asexuality was more widely known or acknowledged because I feel like I wouldn't have as much of trouble grappling with my potentially asexual identity.

Thanks for any insight and sorry for the long post!

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For you, what is the worst pain (or fear) of being asexual?

For me, the worst pain of being asexual is that no one (except a few) understands me, but mostly no one does and it hurts me more because my parents and my sister don't want to understand what I am. There is also the fear of being alone and not finding someone who loves me just because I am asexual. Being judged and being forced to do something I don't want to do.

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I think I experienced attraction for the first time in my life. Not sure though

I have always thought I’m straight because I’d probably find it easier to ‘do it’ with women, not that I have a desire to do that whatsoever and would probably find the whole ordeal very gross and awkward. But at the moment I have had some very gay thoughts about a celebrity (I will not say who). I’ve found men very charming and attractive in the past but that’s more platonic than anything else, like I’d really want to be like him or really admire him. Same with women, I will frequently find a woman very beautiful and charming but with no kind of lust there. However this is totally different and it’s fairly hard to describe, and weirdly exciting. I can’t say I’m an expert on what it means to be attracted to someone but I reckon that is it? Where you dream about them even if you don’t really know anything about their personality? And want to kiss them? I can’t really tell. I’d also consider myself more aromantic as well as fully asexual so I can’t say I know what romantic attraction feels like

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My Guy Best Friend Just Demanded I Sleep With Him

I'm sorry if this is a little mixed up, I'm not in the best mind right now.

I come to the Holy Aces for help once again, this time for something actually serious. For context, I (20F) am a single Aromantic and Aegosexual (Thanks Holy Aces for helping me to discover this). I'm happy with this identity.

I have a guy best friend, let's call him Ryan(21M). We met in high school and just clicked ever since. We both agreed we saw each other more as siblings than romantic interest. I've known him for too long to think any different. We've been with each other through our darkest moments, like how I escaped my homophobic mom, and his self offing attempt. I really thought this would be forever. Mind you, he has an entire girlfriend, I'll call her Tulip, who is also my good friend.

Recently, me, Ryan, and Tulip went out on our weekly cafe trip. We were sitting in our usual corner booth, I had my usual brownie, he had his scone, and Tulip had her cinnamon roll. Ryan looked tense, but I brushed it off as work stress or something. Suddenly, Tulip got up to use the bathroom, she usually takes a bit so we were both just waiting.

Until Ryan looks me in the eyes. Me being the sad neurodivergent I am, immediately looked away. He grabbed my hand, I flinched and glanced up at him. I told him I don't like being touched without warning. The conversation went a little like this:

Me: Ryan, please don't touch me without warning.
Ryan: Sorry, I just need to tell you something and you weren't paying attention.

That rubbed me the wrong way because he's also autistic.

Ryan: Look, I need to tell you something.
Me: Okay... What is it?
Ryan: Don't tell Tulip but I really like you.
Me: What do you mean?
Ryan then goes into detail about how Tulip never satisfied him and he wanted me instead. Saying being the one to deflower me first would make him so happy and she didn't need to know.

Dead silence.

Since sticks and cats looked disgusting to me, I've never had sex before and I probably never will.

I felt so utterly disgusted, I yanked my hand away and left to pay for my brownie and drink. Tulip was coming out as I was at the counter, she asked me what's wrong but I told her I'll call her later.

I just got home and both of them were blowing up my phone. Tulip was concerned and questioning Ryan who said nothing happened. Ryan was demanding I still sleep with him because he put up with me for so long. Saying he waited for me to cave but couldn't take it anymore. I "had thank him some how"...

I feel disgusted, I haven't responded to anyone. I've been sitting in my bed questioning life. This was the same man who stayed up until 2am researching Asexual identities with me and Tulip. This was the same man who yelled at my mom when she called me a slur for never wanting to give birth. This is the same man I stayed up with for 2 days to help him through the darkest time of his life.

I feel horrible for Tulip, but I can't respond to her right now. I screenshoted all of Ryan's messages and plan to show her when I'm in a better space.

Holy Aces, I come to you once again for advice. I know this isn't the usual, but I don't know who to talk to right now. I was wondering if someone here had a similar experience and knows what to do and how to react here... Other than crying.

Thank you for taking the time to read this... I'll try to update.

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@asexualityonreddit

Asexual dating

I was wondering what kind of tools are available to help people who are maybe interested in dating and companionship without sex to find one another. Do any of you have any tips?

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Strawberry lemonade cake…

Technically, it’s a strawberry flavored cake w/ lemon frosting. Still awesome, though.

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I bought Ace stickers on a roll!

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Preparing for local Pride on Saturday
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The frogs believe you’re valid 🖤🩶🤍💜
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@asexualityonreddit

Anyone got any alternative asexual essentials?

I know garlic bread is a staple of this community but I'm gluten intolerant :(


(This is meant as a joke :3)

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@asexualityonreddit

I want to come out

I (31F) want to come out as gray ace to my partner (39M).

We’ve been together since early 2024, and sex has been a challenge the entire time (no surprise there lol). For a while I thought I was struggling because we got together not too long after I left a toxic relationship. I thought I needed more time. Before the toxic relationship, I experienced a solid 4 year stretch of sexual attraction/desire. But before that I never had much desire or attraction and already considered the possibility of being ace. That 4 year time frame had me (and still does…) confused, I thought “well I guess I’m just now discovering what I like!”
But ever since I’ve gone back to caring very little about sex. Self-pleasure is more mechanical than anything, trying to get my body to perform a biological function like burping or farting 😂 so no fantasies, porn is meh (amusing at best), I just focus on the feeling.

My partner is wonderful and this is the most healthy and supportive relationship I’ve ever been in. But I’m so worried about how to have the conversation. I fear he won’t be able to accept it and we won’t be able to come to a compromise where we are both happy and satisfied…

I’d really love to hear from other grays in relationships with allos about compromises that have worked well for you. I’d love to be able to have some things in mind to suggest for when I talk to him…
sex isn’t off the table. I’m just tired of trying to be allo when I’m not (or not right now).

I’m also trying very hard to accept this part of myself. This experience has made me both sad and angry. I don’t want to be this way. But I am :(

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@asexualityonreddit

Why is sex taboo

I’m not sure if it’s because I’m Ace and just don’t understand sexual attraction. But whenever the topic of sex comes up and different types of kinks. It’s like a lot of people get embarrassed. To me it’s like if I’m talking about regular information so I don’t see the issue. I had a friend say I’m a weird because my sister who turned 18 wanted toys or smut for her birthday and I got it for her. Like I don’t see the big deal.

Idk I think it’s cus half the time I forget about all that till it’s brought up. Or is it just taboo and embarrassing to talk about?

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@asexualityonreddit

Discord Server for the Ace Community

We have a new Discord Server that is currently thriving, it is here for everyone who is part of the ace community! We have various events in the works, so whether you want to take part or just meet new people, be sure to come check it out :)

https://discord.gg/KNzs7J87

We also have an active area for dating, for all who are interested!

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Over cooked the cheesy garlic bread, but I am ready for Pride
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Do-over post…
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Am I weird for being annoyed by this
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life shipping

dose any one else feel rejected when someone you thought had a crush on a friend of yours turns out to have a crush on you

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COOL ARO ACE STREAMER YOU SHOULD WATCH DELTARUNE PAPYRUS WAS MY FIRST TSUKASA



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