Asexuality and Aromanticism on Reddit

Do I Belong Here?

I've been seeing all of these pictures of these adorable ace rings, and I ordered one yesterday but for some reason it has brought up a bunch of feelings for me, imagining wearing it, and especially as it relates to one of my best friends, who is gay.

So a little bit of background...I was married to a man for 17 years. We had constant conflict around sex, and the fact that he always wanted it and I never did. I gave in, what felt like ALL THE TIME, and what felt like never enough to him. I experienced what my therapist would later categorize as sexual abuse at his hands.

While we were married I explored bisexuality. Within my marriage we had a threesome. I thought that might "fix me" and I might find that I liked sex with women. It wasn't really any better or easier than with men. Maybe a bit more comfortable and I was attracted to women so I labeled myself bisexual but also difficult, broken and defective.

After my divorce I dated, had a five year relationship and had all of the same problems. He wanted to, I didn't. The next relationship only lasted six months, and was plagued with the same issues.

So when I found myself almost 50 and single, I was IMMENSELY relieved to decide I wouldn't date anymore, because that was the only way I was going to be able to never have sex again. It's been almost six years. I've considered dating many times, because I would like to have a partner, but the idea of having sex with anyone, many or woman, is just repulsive to me at this stage of my life and I'm not physically attracted to anyone anymore.

I have a very tight group of friends who know my history and know I have no interest in sex. One of my friends is gay, proudly out and in a committed relationship.

When I found this community I was shocked to discover that asexuality is considered part of the LGBTQ+ community. I had no idea. I remember texting my friend when I figured this out and she laughed and said "Welcome! We're a fun group over here!". But that's all we've talked about it, and haven't discussed it at all around the other friends. They just think of me as "the old broad who doesn't like sex". It doesn't help that I'm the oldest of our group.

So what my friends know about me is that I used to identify as bisexual, that I'm post-menopausal and have sexual trauma, both contributing to me not liking sex now. I feel like if I now start referring to myself as asexual they're going to be like "Oh sure, here's the next thing". And I worry that my gay friend will feel like I'm just latching on to the alphabet mafia to feel included in something.

So my question to you all, given that I haven't identified as asexual for very long, and given that I've experienced trauma and menopause which both could have contributed to the fact that I don't have any interest in sex or attraction to anyone, does that make me somehow "less" asexual? Do you have to be born this way to be included in the community? Sometimes I think I've always been this way and was just trying to do what I needed to do to get what I wanted (a stable family and a child) in the extremely repressed time of the '80s and '90s. But sometimes I wonder if I'm only this way because of the trauma and hysterectomy-induced lack of hormones. Will I be seen by the LGBTQ+ community just a privileged hanger-on who hasn't ever been repressed or had to fight for her rights (as a middle-aged white woman I am well aware of my privilege) and just wants to belong. I won't lie, the idea of being part of the community is appealing. I was excited when I found out asexuality is part of LGBTQ+ but, but it does feel different and easier for me, someone who just doesn't want to have sex, than it has to be for someone who has had to fight for the right to love who they love, you know? Maybe I don't deserve to be here.

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Do I Belong Here?

I've been seeing all of these pictures of these adorable ace rings, and I ordered one yesterday but for some reason it has brought up a bunch of...

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