Some of you are unbearably normative about relationships, tbh.
I've noticed in this sub that when the topic of relationship boundaries comes up, the comments often trend extremely hetero/allonormative. Maybe it's just because the communities I'm in elsewhere online and irl just don't adhere to those norms, but it's baffling to me every time to see it here, of all places.
The types of things I usually see said boil down to basically "you should let your partner dictate your boundaries with other people". Not phrased so bluntly, of course, but a very typical "That's Only Okay If Your Partner Is Comfortable" kind of sentiment, never examining or acknowledging whether it's reasonable for the partner to be uncomfortable in the first place. I've seen people argue on multiple occasions that touch that is neither romantic nor sexual is disrespectful to a partner. I've seen a fair bit of negativity towards platonic intimacy, particularly if one or both friends are otherwise romantically entangled with someone.
It is the same to me as telling a girl she shouldn't have male friends if her boyfriend doesn't like it. He should learn how to be comfortable with it instead of barring her from having those friendships; I feel the same way about platonic intimacy. A romantic partner should learn to get comfortable with the other person's platonic relationships, not demand that they change them. Unlearn the insecurity instead of catering to it.
I also think a vital part of asexual and aromantic advocacy is dismantling allonormativity. Not just destroying the idea that sex and romance are necessary, but also ideas about what defines a relationship to begin with. I don't think it's helpful to anyone to continue regurgitating the standard that other relationships should be pushed to the back burner if you have a partner, or that intimacy in other relationships must be withdrawn for a partner's sake. It's sad to see, especially as someone in a very committed relationship where our friendships are still physically affectionate and vitally important.
https://redd.it/1pt8ph0
@asexualityonreddit
I've noticed in this sub that when the topic of relationship boundaries comes up, the comments often trend extremely hetero/allonormative. Maybe it's just because the communities I'm in elsewhere online and irl just don't adhere to those norms, but it's baffling to me every time to see it here, of all places.
The types of things I usually see said boil down to basically "you should let your partner dictate your boundaries with other people". Not phrased so bluntly, of course, but a very typical "That's Only Okay If Your Partner Is Comfortable" kind of sentiment, never examining or acknowledging whether it's reasonable for the partner to be uncomfortable in the first place. I've seen people argue on multiple occasions that touch that is neither romantic nor sexual is disrespectful to a partner. I've seen a fair bit of negativity towards platonic intimacy, particularly if one or both friends are otherwise romantically entangled with someone.
It is the same to me as telling a girl she shouldn't have male friends if her boyfriend doesn't like it. He should learn how to be comfortable with it instead of barring her from having those friendships; I feel the same way about platonic intimacy. A romantic partner should learn to get comfortable with the other person's platonic relationships, not demand that they change them. Unlearn the insecurity instead of catering to it.
I also think a vital part of asexual and aromantic advocacy is dismantling allonormativity. Not just destroying the idea that sex and romance are necessary, but also ideas about what defines a relationship to begin with. I don't think it's helpful to anyone to continue regurgitating the standard that other relationships should be pushed to the back burner if you have a partner, or that intimacy in other relationships must be withdrawn for a partner's sake. It's sad to see, especially as someone in a very committed relationship where our friendships are still physically affectionate and vitally important.
https://redd.it/1pt8ph0
@asexualityonreddit
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My boyfriend thinks he might be ace
Recently with my boyfriend we were talking about some stuff, and recently he's comming to a conclusion where he thinks he could be asexual or somewhere in that spectrum, as a joke I told him that if he want confident in his own assesment I could try to summon the asexual counsil of Reddit, and he actually liked the idea to maybe read from the lived experiences of others, and since he does not have a Reddit account he asked me to use mine and try to translate (he does not speak English and I don't really like most LGBTQA+ subreddits on our home language as they tend to be weirdly phobic) and so I'll try to point by point give his toughts and hope the counsil can help more than me, the boring allo can
1)He's seldom in the mood for fun time: As he points to It, he rarely wants to do stuff, while he does find me atractive (yay) he rarely feels like doing so, recently he's been a little more interested but as we began dating (6 years now) he struggled a lot to even consider the idea and mellowed to It as he got closer (I'm thinking maybe demisexual)
2) He finds me and other men atractive but does not like to think about himself doing stuff: I tried explaining that one thing its thinking some people are atractive and other Is thinking you can then in your bedroom, I guess due to culture he's struggling with that part
3) He's enjoyed It before: Like I said he does not often want to do something but when he does he enjoys It and so he feels It might invalidate the idea of being asexual, I don't think It does, or at the very least might put him somewhere in the spectrum thats not allo itself, tough I don't really think I have the language to explain It beyond a food alegory, as if he most of the time does not like pie but every now and then a specific slice of pie Is appealing enough to enjoy, it does not negate that he usually does not like pie
Mainly these are his toughts with some of my own toughts about it, I dont try to label him but if he does find any label around this confirting I think at the very least I should try and help him understand what I can.
https://redd.it/1ptfeu1
@asexualityonreddit
Recently with my boyfriend we were talking about some stuff, and recently he's comming to a conclusion where he thinks he could be asexual or somewhere in that spectrum, as a joke I told him that if he want confident in his own assesment I could try to summon the asexual counsil of Reddit, and he actually liked the idea to maybe read from the lived experiences of others, and since he does not have a Reddit account he asked me to use mine and try to translate (he does not speak English and I don't really like most LGBTQA+ subreddits on our home language as they tend to be weirdly phobic) and so I'll try to point by point give his toughts and hope the counsil can help more than me, the boring allo can
1)He's seldom in the mood for fun time: As he points to It, he rarely wants to do stuff, while he does find me atractive (yay) he rarely feels like doing so, recently he's been a little more interested but as we began dating (6 years now) he struggled a lot to even consider the idea and mellowed to It as he got closer (I'm thinking maybe demisexual)
2) He finds me and other men atractive but does not like to think about himself doing stuff: I tried explaining that one thing its thinking some people are atractive and other Is thinking you can then in your bedroom, I guess due to culture he's struggling with that part
3) He's enjoyed It before: Like I said he does not often want to do something but when he does he enjoys It and so he feels It might invalidate the idea of being asexual, I don't think It does, or at the very least might put him somewhere in the spectrum thats not allo itself, tough I don't really think I have the language to explain It beyond a food alegory, as if he most of the time does not like pie but every now and then a specific slice of pie Is appealing enough to enjoy, it does not negate that he usually does not like pie
Mainly these are his toughts with some of my own toughts about it, I dont try to label him but if he does find any label around this confirting I think at the very least I should try and help him understand what I can.
https://redd.it/1ptfeu1
@asexualityonreddit
Reddit
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Hard To Date
Not super mad rn cuz what happened was reasonable, but I just gotta vent my thoughts of frustration 😭
Lately, I've been wanting to try dating again but haven't really looked since I know how small the pool is. Its just a difficulty I dont want to bother with
But I went to walmart last night (10pm) with some family and someone asked for my number. They were chill and I knew they were lgbtq. So they gave me their number, I texted em when I got home. We talked a bit last night to like 2am.
Today, we talked a bit more and I decided one moment was a good time to bring up relationship non-negotiables. A good way to say what no's we have and that im ace
I kind of had a hard time bringing up the ace detail, started with my thing w/ dogs & then moving out of the US. They were chill with those and talked a bit more about sexuality. So I mentioned I was ace
Immediately uninterested 💀
They told me they've got ace friends tho. Like, cool, guess that means I'm with them now lol
But it is just draining to think that SO MANY people care that much about sex. That they cant live without it
Like, why cant people just touch themselves?? Idk, I just seriously cant wrap my head around it.
They also said they wish they knew sooner 🤨🤨🤨
We barely started talking 24 hours ago, mate. Wtf you mean SOONER? 😭💀
I was scared to say it and I gave myself the opportunity to. That was a good time to say it, like what
Thats the part that mostly irked me tbh
But yeah, no hate to them. Just can get irritating sometimes
https://redd.it/1ptnitp
@asexualityonreddit
Not super mad rn cuz what happened was reasonable, but I just gotta vent my thoughts of frustration 😭
Lately, I've been wanting to try dating again but haven't really looked since I know how small the pool is. Its just a difficulty I dont want to bother with
But I went to walmart last night (10pm) with some family and someone asked for my number. They were chill and I knew they were lgbtq. So they gave me their number, I texted em when I got home. We talked a bit last night to like 2am.
Today, we talked a bit more and I decided one moment was a good time to bring up relationship non-negotiables. A good way to say what no's we have and that im ace
I kind of had a hard time bringing up the ace detail, started with my thing w/ dogs & then moving out of the US. They were chill with those and talked a bit more about sexuality. So I mentioned I was ace
Immediately uninterested 💀
They told me they've got ace friends tho. Like, cool, guess that means I'm with them now lol
But it is just draining to think that SO MANY people care that much about sex. That they cant live without it
Like, why cant people just touch themselves?? Idk, I just seriously cant wrap my head around it.
They also said they wish they knew sooner 🤨🤨🤨
We barely started talking 24 hours ago, mate. Wtf you mean SOONER? 😭💀
I was scared to say it and I gave myself the opportunity to. That was a good time to say it, like what
Thats the part that mostly irked me tbh
But yeah, no hate to them. Just can get irritating sometimes
https://redd.it/1ptnitp
@asexualityonreddit
Reddit
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