I fear for my mental health
Disclaimer: if you find this subject triggering, please don't read: There'll be mention of depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts.
Hello all,
I needed a place to rant, and I hope you'll allow me to do it here. As the title says, I fear for my mental health. I live in isolation, meaning, I don't have friends nor am I in contact with my family.
However I live in an urban area (parisian area), I am not stuck at home, so I do talk to people everyday, but barely, they are very superficial interactions. I'm a runner and walker (helps with the depression), move around on a bike (don't drive) and take public transports, so everyday people (mostly men with different intentions than mine unfortunately) actually come up and talk to me. This happens very often, there's nothing special about me, but asking for phone numbers is a regional sport here where I live.
Except, I am a 37 y/o woman, and only teenagers and very young adults come to talk to me. People think I am under 18. So people my age don't try and strike a conversation. And I'm ace anyway, so that wouldn't change anything. And I don't do it myself because I am an extreme introvert (for reasons that'll become clear later in the post).
Up until now I've never had any friends nor boyfriend. My mother was herself mentally ill. She "trained" me to fear other people (even women), and I was not allowed to play with other kids (even though we lived in an appartment complex, with lots of kids). I was not allowed to go outside alone (had to be with her) even as an adult.
I lived with her until I was 33 when she died, I then "fled" and live now by myself in a little flat.
I survived all these years by living inside my head. Since I was little I had I don't know how many imaginary friends and boyfriends. Except I feel I spend more and more time in these fantasy worlds and I honestly fear I'll get stuck there one day and not come back.
The other thing that worries me is I've never fell in love, or felt love towards another person (could be friendship, a family member....) I come from a dysfonctional family, so no love there, and I am not in contact with them now. And as I said I was trainded to fear and distrust people, so I am not sure I can, even now I'm by myself, have a friendship or romantic relationship with anyone, even if I actually want to. I am not a misanthrope, I wish I could be close to other people. I spend an unhealthy amount of time listening to podcasts and read books (both fiction and non fiction), I actually like to listen to people and learn from them. But I find it terrifying to do it with "actual" people, in front of me, having a conversation.
I feel so disconnected, I often have suicidal thoughts, I don't see any reasons to live, nothing tie me to this world. Hopefull I've manage to not give in, but it gets harder as time goes by.
Finally, I do not expect any messages or anything (Or so I think. I'm not sure what I want anymore). But I do think I'm f up beyond repair, and would be a waste of anyone's time. I'm also aware I'm emotionally a child, so I'm not even sure I would be of any interest to people my age.
But if what I've said resonates with you in any way, means anything to you, please chime in, please say hi, I'd like to know I'm not alone in this madness.
Thank you for reading (I hope this somewhat makes sense and doesn't sound like the ramblings of a madwoman).
https://redd.it/1psffe4
@asexualityonreddit
Disclaimer: if you find this subject triggering, please don't read: There'll be mention of depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts.
Hello all,
I needed a place to rant, and I hope you'll allow me to do it here. As the title says, I fear for my mental health. I live in isolation, meaning, I don't have friends nor am I in contact with my family.
However I live in an urban area (parisian area), I am not stuck at home, so I do talk to people everyday, but barely, they are very superficial interactions. I'm a runner and walker (helps with the depression), move around on a bike (don't drive) and take public transports, so everyday people (mostly men with different intentions than mine unfortunately) actually come up and talk to me. This happens very often, there's nothing special about me, but asking for phone numbers is a regional sport here where I live.
Except, I am a 37 y/o woman, and only teenagers and very young adults come to talk to me. People think I am under 18. So people my age don't try and strike a conversation. And I'm ace anyway, so that wouldn't change anything. And I don't do it myself because I am an extreme introvert (for reasons that'll become clear later in the post).
Up until now I've never had any friends nor boyfriend. My mother was herself mentally ill. She "trained" me to fear other people (even women), and I was not allowed to play with other kids (even though we lived in an appartment complex, with lots of kids). I was not allowed to go outside alone (had to be with her) even as an adult.
I lived with her until I was 33 when she died, I then "fled" and live now by myself in a little flat.
I survived all these years by living inside my head. Since I was little I had I don't know how many imaginary friends and boyfriends. Except I feel I spend more and more time in these fantasy worlds and I honestly fear I'll get stuck there one day and not come back.
The other thing that worries me is I've never fell in love, or felt love towards another person (could be friendship, a family member....) I come from a dysfonctional family, so no love there, and I am not in contact with them now. And as I said I was trainded to fear and distrust people, so I am not sure I can, even now I'm by myself, have a friendship or romantic relationship with anyone, even if I actually want to. I am not a misanthrope, I wish I could be close to other people. I spend an unhealthy amount of time listening to podcasts and read books (both fiction and non fiction), I actually like to listen to people and learn from them. But I find it terrifying to do it with "actual" people, in front of me, having a conversation.
I feel so disconnected, I often have suicidal thoughts, I don't see any reasons to live, nothing tie me to this world. Hopefull I've manage to not give in, but it gets harder as time goes by.
Finally, I do not expect any messages or anything (Or so I think. I'm not sure what I want anymore). But I do think I'm f up beyond repair, and would be a waste of anyone's time. I'm also aware I'm emotionally a child, so I'm not even sure I would be of any interest to people my age.
But if what I've said resonates with you in any way, means anything to you, please chime in, please say hi, I'd like to know I'm not alone in this madness.
Thank you for reading (I hope this somewhat makes sense and doesn't sound like the ramblings of a madwoman).
https://redd.it/1psffe4
@asexualityonreddit
Reddit
From the Asexual community on Reddit
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I want to thank this subreddit. It solved many doubts I had and made me happy again
https://redd.it/1psk7o2
@asexualityonreddit
https://redd.it/1psk7o2
@asexualityonreddit
Am I Asexual?
If you are questioning whether or not you are asexual (including all microlabels), reply to this post with what made you start questioning, and why.
If you are too shy to post a reply, then you can scroll through the responses for the advice you may be searching for.
https://redd.it/1psr20e
@asexualityonreddit
If you are questioning whether or not you are asexual (including all microlabels), reply to this post with what made you start questioning, and why.
If you are too shy to post a reply, then you can scroll through the responses for the advice you may be searching for.
https://redd.it/1psr20e
@asexualityonreddit
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From the Asexual community on Reddit
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Am I dumb for not understanding the concept of ‘sexual attraction’?
As an aroace person who leans more towards asexuality, I get very confused on how a person can possibly be sexually attracted to another being. I just don’t get it at all. Is it more of just a physical or mental thing?? I just can’t imagine looking at a stranger (or a friend) and immediately thinking of undressing them with my eyes or screwing them. Even when looking at naked bodies I don’t see the appeal of it.
https://redd.it/1psqqty
@asexualityonreddit
As an aroace person who leans more towards asexuality, I get very confused on how a person can possibly be sexually attracted to another being. I just don’t get it at all. Is it more of just a physical or mental thing?? I just can’t imagine looking at a stranger (or a friend) and immediately thinking of undressing them with my eyes or screwing them. Even when looking at naked bodies I don’t see the appeal of it.
https://redd.it/1psqqty
@asexualityonreddit
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The other subreddits or anything LGBTQIA+ related are such ace phobia.
If you saw my bio then; you’d understand.
…and with those one two for my face that I’m prone to…
If i didn’t have that…
Maybe I would be lucky and I could find me a Stone Cold Masculine pixie haired Butch lesbian woman who just happens to like what gets put to stereotype, is asexual, does have their parts and what they do; but does not have those two problems with their face and does not have autism.
But nooooo. Good damn hell forbid I even try to step my digital foot into the digital door of those other subreddits for us without being told that I’m stereotyping, I must be with the NonBinary side of that Butch and that if I really truly liked that Butch we all know of; then I better fix my face and accept sex.
.…..
If I don’t like men and their dangling sticks; what makes you think my Grunge 90’s gay ass wants a strap on?
Yeah that’s right I am a grungy opposite of butch.
What I am is what I am is what you are or what?
Such bullshit.
https://redd.it/1pt0ol9
@asexualityonreddit
If you saw my bio then; you’d understand.
…and with those one two for my face that I’m prone to…
If i didn’t have that…
Maybe I would be lucky and I could find me a Stone Cold Masculine pixie haired Butch lesbian woman who just happens to like what gets put to stereotype, is asexual, does have their parts and what they do; but does not have those two problems with their face and does not have autism.
But nooooo. Good damn hell forbid I even try to step my digital foot into the digital door of those other subreddits for us without being told that I’m stereotyping, I must be with the NonBinary side of that Butch and that if I really truly liked that Butch we all know of; then I better fix my face and accept sex.
.…..
If I don’t like men and their dangling sticks; what makes you think my Grunge 90’s gay ass wants a strap on?
Yeah that’s right I am a grungy opposite of butch.
What I am is what I am is what you are or what?
Such bullshit.
https://redd.it/1pt0ol9
@asexualityonreddit
Reddit
From the Asexual community on Reddit
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