Am I aroace or simply avoidant?

Hey. I identify as aroace but I am wondering if I shouldn't be. The thing is that, first of all, I do have sexual fantasies involving me and other people from real life but I just don't feel like they can be actually acted on. They are separate from my real life experience. The real thing for me is neither romantic like in the movies, nor sexual like in fantasies. I mean I did have "sexual" and "romantic" experiences but they feel like nothing.
Secondly, when I like someone, I avoid them. To me it all sounds like my mental conditions are preventing me from feeling the actual feelings irl. It's like If I could, I would be the most basic allosexual person

I am questioning myself because I am proud and out and too often it happens that I don't behave like a "true" aroace spec. By this I mean that I understand allo people too well. I feel their pain, but not their pleasure. So yeah all that causes some aroace people to be surprised how can I be one of them. I am writing this because I feel like I'm in an identity crisis and I am just wondering if you guys think that I'm one of you or not.

https://redd.it/1prqwgb
@asexualityonreddit

Some Flowers! by Me.

https://redd.it/1prv47r
@asexualityonreddit

Asexual couples? Do you face a lot of criticism?

I'm not in a relationship right now but when I was a teen I dated my high school sweetheart but we were abstinent the entire 4 years we dated but our relationship was often described as "weird" and we got ostracized as a result by school mates and even our own friends called us "just friends" or said we just seemed like we were just friends and honestly this kinda hurt me. It still kinda does looking back because first off, we were so young when we were dating but apparently we were supposed to already be banging each other by the first year 🫠 this just goes to show how judgmental people are over ace/aro type relationships and coin the term "you're just friends" just cause the couple doesn't appear "romantically enough" or just cause they don't sleep with each other, when there's plenty of "just friends" who in fact sleep with each other. Is that supposed to be an insult by any means? One of my exes said our relationship felt like it was just a friendship just cause we were long distant but cause I didn't give into him and that term just triggers me now. I hate it. Why can't people just accept that there's sexless relationships or aromantic couples without being so rude or judgemental?

https://redd.it/1prt6jg
@asexualityonreddit

Why do I keep having sex, and how do I stop? TW: MENTIONS OF CSA

Hello. I'm AFAB, I'm 20 years old, and I'm 99% sure that I am asexual or, at the very least, demisexual.

It's been a pattern for me that when someone (usually men) makes sexual advances toward me, or I know they want to have sex with me. I do it despite the fact that I am not sexually attracted to them. Afterwards, I feel weird. I feel good that someone found me attractive, but that brief ego boost is followed up with this deep sense that I betrayed myself. I'm fine during foreplay and when he gets hard, and I just kind of ignore it, but during sex, I kind of just try and do what he wants. It becomes all about making sure he's happy. I think to myself, "I could've gone without that. I gained nothing." It brings me back to when I was younger, when I would let guys touch me even though I didn't want to, so they "wouldn't be mad" or "stop being friends with me".

I'm not sure how relevant this is, but I ONLY have this feeling with men. Granted, I've only slept with one AFAB person who was also feminine-presenting, but it was different. She also claimed to be demi, but we ended up sleeping together. For once, I was actually enthusiastic about it and didn't feel gross or anything afterwards. And after that, I no longer want to be attracted to men romantically. I still am, of course, but now I've developed this kind of aversion.

Even so, even when I'm met with that initial punch of disgust when a man is aroused by me. I still have sex with him. It's like, "just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I have to force other people to be asexual. This is what allo-people would do in this situation, why should I change that just because I'm not?"

I don't know, it's a lot. It would just be nice to know if anyone else has dealt with this or is going through something similar.

TLDR: I'm on the ace spectrum, but impulsively have sex/put myself in sexual situations to make the other person happy. Help.

https://redd.it/1prwo0g
@asexualityonreddit

Raw thoughts

Raw thoughts. Lately I’ve been thinking. I enjoy being alone, but I crave physical affection, physical affection that does not deem a relationship, I don’t see the point in being with one person for the rest of your life, but we’ve made it such a societal norm that you have to be with somebody and intimate to be physically affectionate. I’m nobody’s first choice, I don’t like sex, I don’t like commitments, and I don’t like compromising but Jesus Christ do I crave somebody to want me. Is it OK to be with somebody who does but on my terms? Is it OK to appreciate somebody’s body without wanting to have sex? I easily get overwhelmed I don’t mean to, but I don’t feel like I deserve to be loved because of it. I get attached too easily so I push myself away. I don’t want these feelings. I want to be loved and reciprocate it. I wish somebody could understand how I feel.

https://redd.it/1prwkhy
@asexualityonreddit

Yesterday I asked if you guys find hands or collarbones more aesthetically pleasing and there were lots of different opinions. So now I’m asking, what is any body part apart from genitals that you find very aesthetically pleasing?

I saw lots of people say noses and backs, which I totally second, but as the title says, what are some niche body parts you find attractive?

https://redd.it/1ps2nth
@asexualityonreddit

Coping with an Ace-Allo Breakup

Just got broken up with after 3 years and one of the reasons that was cited was that our ace-allo relationship is not a compatible one. I just feel so lost and hopeless. Any advice that might make me hate my identity less is appreciated 🙃

https://redd.it/1ps40ss
@asexualityonreddit

I never thought I'd find someone who truly understood me - Don't give up!

Well to be honest - He found me.

So I'm still quite young, 19F, and I met my boyfriend (21M) about 3 years ago whilst I was a junior in high school and he was a senior. During high school, I never really participated in dating since I knew from a younger age I seemed to be on the asexual/demisexual spectrum, and I always felt ashamed and like I would never find anyone that would be okay with that.

Many guys displayed interest in me throughout the years, but I knew that being ace would deter them (and it did) because guys typically care a lot about physical intimacy, especially young high school ones.

On top of that, I also considered myself more androgynous looking at the time. It was the beginning of the year, and a guy randomly came up to me as we waited outside for the school doors to open and introduced himself. Apparently he was also in my math class, so I did see him before I just didn't realize it (he sat right next to me, I was so unobservational lol).

He admitted later that he didn't really know for sure whether I was a girl or guy which I thought was funny. He was a band kid (or rather, he was until his senior year) and I could tell he liked me right away.

Now, I have a very hard time trusting people and I don't usually relate to people very easily since I'm also on the autism spectrum. Knowing people's true intentions is hard, so it would take a very long time for this guy to grow on me, but he didn't seem to mind.

To be honest, there was never really an exact day when we decided to start dating, it just sort of turned into that. We were best friends before anything, though. I came to realize over time that this man would literally do anything for me, and expect nothing in return which was so surprising to me.

Even to this day, he's always the one that drives (I'm scared of driving, but I do if I have to), he always makes me food or brings me food especially if it's that time of month, he would buy me anything I asked for (even though I'm always too scared to ask for stuff, and I always feel very guilty doing so), and he overall treats me like a queen.

He goes everywhere with me. We've even been on some trips out of town (soon out of state, hopefully), His family likes me, and my family absolutely loves him. He spoils me way more than I deserve, and he's just such a goofball and makes me laugh all the time.

We have such similar interests, like music, my art, our mutual feeling of not wanting kids. He's my biggest supporter in anything I do. I look back when I was younger, and I felt that a relationship like this wasn't possible for me, I never would have imagined how my life would change.

Something that helped immensely was realizing I also had to fix my own issues and love myself before I could love someone else. Throughout my entire life, I have had such bad anxiety and even depressive episodes due to genetics and past traumas. I only started medicating with Lexapro this year, but my god has that helped me so much. I used to be more angry in life, and it would cause me to lash out on others sometimes, and it just made everything more difficult for me in general. Getting over my fear of simply asking for help changed me for the better, and I can love better because of it, too.

There's so much more I could say, but the main points are there. I know were both still very young and we hopefully have a long life ahead of us, but I often do think he really is my soulmate in many ways (if you believe in that stuff, anyway) and I share this because I know many people on the ace spectrum, especially younger ages, may feel helpless when it comes to finding someone who truly sees you and validates your feelings.

My boyfriend and I talk everyday, even if we don't see each other in person. He wants to make a lot of money and become a software engineer so I can stay home, and he's a nerd who's interested in that kind of stuff (green flag!). I do art commissions sometimes. Overall, I'm excited for what the future holds, and what our

domestic life could look like (many cats and reptiles for sure). Never ever feel bad about what you can't control about yourself. People 'do' see beyond physical gratification, knowing someone on such a deep emotional level is everything. You are worthy of love and respect, and anyone who thinks otherwise are just dummies.

https://redd.it/1ps4hi9
@asexualityonreddit

I am tired of the allos. Solution:
https://redd.it/1ps4xa6
@asexualityonreddit

Leg Hair

How well do you pay attention to and maintain your leg hair, ladies?

I'm so bad about it cause I wear pants all the time and associate it to sex. Given I dont care for sex, I dont care to shave frequently. Lol

I learned from the TV show Friends that 1 week is too long, so since middle school I'd made sure to shave at least once a week. Nair and razor commercials taught me to shave from my ankle to my knee... which later on I found out youre supposed to do your whole leg when I told my sisters and they said "gross!" We won't get into discovering shaving pubic hair as I want to keep this G rated.

Now that I've been married for 18 years, I often forget. I still try to maintain but it's been probably months. I think my husband has given up or stopped caring about my leg hair cause he hasn't said anything.

So now im curious, do any of you feel the same way? How much do you pay attention to your leg hair? Those attracted to women, how much do you care or pay attention given youre asexual?

Edit: Wow! I really thought i was alone in this. I'm so glad I'm not. Lol

https://redd.it/1ps5mqy
@asexualityonreddit

Difficulty finding a partner

Hello everyone I have known for a while now that I am ace with 0 attraction towards sex and I am definitely not planning on having it with anyone. I do prefer romance, however. But it is so difficult to find a partner that matches this, even on apps like Acespace. I didn't know so many asexual people actually still want to have a sexual relationship with their partner, I know it's a broad spectrum but it always feels like such a letdown when I meet a fellow ace person and they still end up wanting sex... I do find that the majority of the people that do not want sexual relations, are women. I have been open to dating women for a few years but it never happened and I also am not out to anyone. It's such a struggle... does anyone else have problems like this?

EDIT: Due to not great experiences in the past I have grown repulsed towards sex and it's not something that will ever change. But I still would love to have a partner and have a wonderful relationship with someone who is like minded. On that app I have noticed that a lot of men reaching out to me are complete weirdo's and make me feel uncomfortable, for example them getting mad when I do not reply to them, even though I did not match with them, or demanding children from me when I am a child free and sex free person. I have no luck with women as they never reach out to me nor like me back. And if they do, they only want to have a friendship.

https://redd.it/1ps8ome
@asexualityonreddit

If you don't want allos to post about wishing they were ace, then don't post about wishing you were aro!

First off, I genuinely believe alloromantic asexuals mean no harm when they make posts about being sad for struggling to find a compatible romantic partner and say they wished they were aro so they didn't have that desire. That does, however, not change the fact that it's arophobic, and considering people on here are quick to mass downvote allosexuals wishing they were asexual while unintentional arophobia receives hundreds of upvotes... I don't think I have to explain the issue with this.

Now, of course, there are aces and aros who experience nothing but joy in their identity, and that's wonderful for them. Unfortunately, that's not necessarily the case for most aspec folks; we're all negatively affected by allonormativity and amatonormativity, are invalidated even by the queer community sometimes, feel alienated because we don't feel something everyone else seems to feel, the list goes on.

To just blatantly claim we had it so much easier because we don't feel a certain type of attraction demonstrates ignorance, and upvoting posts doing so and agreeing with them is to promote it.

Again, I do honestly believe people mean no harm when posting things like that, but how about we start treating them the same as allos wishing they were ace because "life would be so much easier if I didn't desire sex like you guys"? - Don't upvote such posts and thoroughly explain why one shouldn't say things like that.

https://redd.it/1psczzh
@asexualityonreddit

I wanna be like hiccup from httyd
https://redd.it/1psepfj
@asexualityonreddit

(Rats are epic, btw)
https://redd.it/1psge4y
@asexualityonreddit

I fear for my mental health

Disclaimer: if you find this subject triggering, please don't read: There'll be mention of depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts.

Hello all,

I needed a place to rant, and I hope you'll allow me to do it here. As the title says, I fear for my mental health. I live in isolation, meaning, I don't have friends nor am I in contact with my family.

However I live in an urban area (parisian area), I am not stuck at home, so I do talk to people everyday, but barely, they are very superficial interactions. I'm a runner and walker (helps with the depression), move around on a bike (don't drive) and take public transports, so everyday people (mostly men with different intentions than mine unfortunately) actually come up and talk to me. This happens very often, there's nothing special about me, but asking for phone numbers is a regional sport here where I live.

Except, I am a 37 y/o woman, and only teenagers and very young adults come to talk to me. People think I am under 18. So people my age don't try and strike a conversation. And I'm ace anyway, so that wouldn't change anything. And I don't do it myself because I am an extreme introvert (for reasons that'll become clear later in the post).

Up until now I've never had any friends nor boyfriend. My mother was herself mentally ill. She "trained" me to fear other people (even women), and I was not allowed to play with other kids (even though we lived in an appartment complex, with lots of kids). I was not allowed to go outside alone (had to be with her) even as an adult.

I lived with her until I was 33 when she died, I then "fled" and live now by myself in a little flat.

I survived all these years by living inside my head. Since I was little I had I don't know how many imaginary friends and boyfriends. Except I feel I spend more and more time in these fantasy worlds and I honestly fear I'll get stuck there one day and not come back.

The other thing that worries me is I've never fell in love, or felt love towards another person (could be friendship, a family member....) I come from a dysfonctional family, so no love there, and I am not in contact with them now. And as I said I was trainded to fear and distrust people, so I am not sure I can, even now I'm by myself, have a friendship or romantic relationship with anyone, even if I actually want to. I am not a misanthrope, I wish I could be close to other people. I spend an unhealthy amount of time listening to podcasts and read books (both fiction and non fiction), I actually like to listen to people and learn from them. But I find it terrifying to do it with "actual" people, in front of me, having a conversation.

I feel so disconnected, I often have suicidal thoughts, I don't see any reasons to live, nothing tie me to this world. Hopefull I've manage to not give in, but it gets harder as time goes by.

Finally, I do not expect any messages or anything (Or so I think. I'm not sure what I want anymore). But I do think I'm f up beyond repair, and would be a waste of anyone's time. I'm also aware I'm emotionally a child, so I'm not even sure I would be of any interest to people my age.

But if what I've said resonates with you in any way, means anything to you, please chime in, please say hi, I'd like to know I'm not alone in this madness.

Thank you for reading (I hope this somewhat makes sense and doesn't sound like the ramblings of a madwoman).

https://redd.it/1psffe4
@asexualityonreddit

Sheldon is Asexual and you cannot change my mind
https://redd.it/1psgt3r
@asexualityonreddit