be really in love, and then I'll ruin everything. I'll be wrong and I won't be what he wants.
I like when we kiss (we kiss a lot). I get butterflies sometimes when he touches me. Sometimes, I feel really good. Sometimes, I think, "Maybe I could lowkey get a little freaky with this dude." And I feel confident. And I feel good. And I think I can be like everyone else and my aversion to sex is because of fear and upbringing and trauma.
But recently, I started spiraling again. I was thinking of making out with him and enjoying it and then I thought, "one day, if you're married, and you make out like this, it'll only have one outcome." And that really hurt. And I couldn't get that out of my head. How someday, if we're married, if I kiss his neck or his lips, if I slow dance with him or cuddle up next to him in bed, he'll want something from me. And I know that's silly. I know that there can still be innocent affection between couples. But I'm afraid there won't be enough and that I'll feel bad and like I'm leading him on if I reject him that night.
And sometimes, I scare myself. I can imagine myself being intimate with him, and it not being scary, and him being kind to me, and him not hurting me. I can imagine myself maybe enjoying it. But when I do that, I sort of feel like I'm betraying some part of myself. That if I allow myself to be sexual, that's all I'll be, and that I'll feel disgusted with myself. That I won't know how to find a balance. That I'll send signals wrong.
I told myself, "Well, if I'm not all-the-way asexual and am into this guy, what's the problem?" But the problem is, sexuality opens a billion other confusing doors, and bottom line is, I'm scared. I'm so scared that if I do have sex with him, he'll see me differently. That it'll be all he wants. That I'll hate it and be stuck doing it forever.
I know this is so dumb with this being a relatively new relationship—we've known eachother for about 5 months and have only been "dating" for a few weeks—but it's so hard for me not to ruminate on all this and worry and worry and worry till I'm sick—again, I have an anxiety disorder.
I want to feel normal like everyone else and to feel like I can let the relationship progress naturally, without worrying about these things that wouldn't be relevant for years and I have no way of knowing, but part of me just feels bad. Some part of me will never be normal because I'm mentally ill, but I'm afraid I'll never be able to behave like everyone else in a relationship. I'm so afraid I'll screw everything up and things will get serious and by then it'll be too late. And things are already kind of serious, because I think I'm in love with him. I love his voice and the silly things he says and his eyes and his lips and his hair and the way he smells and how he always thinks of me and how he puts his arm around me and all his dumb little antics. I love him, and I don't know what to do. I don't want to run away from a guy I love just because I'm scared, but I don't know how to stop being scared. I'm so afraid I'll let him down and we'll be trapped together miserably and he'll end up resenting me, because, what if it never comes naturally to me? What if all my insecurities are right? What if I end up disgusted?
I don't know what to do and I can't stop thinking about it. What even is the right thing to do? I'm tired of running from things that scare me, but what if I really am too messed up for things to work?
I haven't seen him in a few weeks due to work, weather, and me getting sick. I want to talk to him about my fears in person. Maybe after I see him, after I kiss him and speak to him and feel again that I can trust him, things will feel okay and I'll realize I've been torturing myself for days over nothing. Maybe. I hope so.
I've got Christmas presents for him and hope to see him soon. That scares me, too. Exchanging presents and having little reminders of eachother.
Ok lowkey I need to calm down probably. I don't know. I just need someone to speak to.
Sorry for how long this was. I just need help,

haha.

https://redd.it/1pmzmz8
@asexualityonreddit

Are you supposed to feel something?

Okay idk this has just been on my mind for a while and I wanna get it off my chest. I’m aroace-spec btw.

Essentially, when you touch someone are you supposed to feel something?

Context: When I hug family members I’m usually trying to convey that I love them. When I cuddle or hug my immediate family members I’m just happy that they exist. When I hug my friends (especially my long distance ones) I’m trying to let them know that I appreciate them and especially one of them I’m making sure they don’t get too sad bc they easily miss the friend group.

Now there have been times where I’d experience sensual attraction sometimes directed and sometimes not just like a curiosity thing. I kinda explored that with a new friend where I’m not interested in dating them but felt comfortable if I was to hold their arm and if we were to kiss. Yet holding their arm just felt like holding their arm. I’ve also seen in film like two people accidentally brushing hands when passing something like a box. I tried it and didn’t feel anything. When a guy tried to physically flirt with me by holding my hand just felt like my hand was being held. I guess I just didn’t experience a feeling once fulfilling the curiosity where I wanted to experience it again, like it was underwhelming.

I guess I’m just confused if the spark or nervousness people mention in regards to touch is in relation to experiencing romantic attraction and/or sexual attraction. Like often times I just perceive touch with someone as purely physical. Like just holding an arm, holding a hand, two lips pressed against each other. With certain family and friends I can recognize why I hug them. And I understand there’s like the release of happy hormones with some touch or some touch being emotionally I guess bonding.

I sometimes feel like I’m searching for a feeling and I don’t understand what it is. What is the spark? Is it okay to not feel anything from touch?

https://redd.it/1pn0f2u
@asexualityonreddit

Had to share
https://redd.it/1pn2vrl
@asexualityonreddit

Why do some people in 2025 still believe that men can't be friends with women and vice versa? I don't understand how we can know so much yet know so little

Why do some people in 2025 still believe that men can't be friends with women and vice versa? I don't understand how we can know so much yet know so little

I (23M) have managed to be friends of the opposite gender better over the years due to deconstructing my mind and realizing that not every attraction i feel towards a woman is actually romantic.

Some of it is platonic as well without me realizing it at the time

I've deconstructed so much about how i view love and what love can mean to me as well as others

And its made my connections feel more organic and beautiful

https://redd.it/1pn5i4c
@asexualityonreddit

I simply think our colors are one of the best color combinations ever! Just my opinion... 🖤🩶🤍💜
In any case, I wear these colors quite often. I took this photo a few days ago
https://redd.it/1pn6f75
@asexualityonreddit

When everyone is wondering why you've never shown interest in women or men:
https://redd.it/1pn8egd
@asexualityonreddit

About the difference between friends and lovers as an asexual

I often see people say that the main thing separating friends and lovers is sexual attraction. That makes sense for allosexual people, but as an asexual, I struggle to understand how that applies to us.

If sexual attraction isn’t part of the equation, what actually distinguishes a romantic relationship from a close friendship? Is it intention, exclusivity, emotional commitment, labels, expectations, or something else?

For example, when two people talk every day, call, support each other emotionally, and feel close, what makes that “romantic” rather than just a deep friendship if sex isn’t a factor?

I’m not questioning whether romantic asexual relationships are real. I’m trying to understand how other ace people personally draw that line, or if the line even exists for them.

Would like to hear different perspectives.

https://redd.it/1pn3w01
@asexualityonreddit

What did the Christmas tree ornament turn out like?

https://redd.it/1pn9252
@asexualityonreddit

Ace pride milk carton design by me!

https://redd.it/1pnbph2
@asexualityonreddit

So apparently I might be asexual

I’m 17 and over the summer, at my school’s marching band camp, I met this girl and almost instantly had a crush on her, and it lasted all the way through the marching band season. But during that time I never once had a sexual thought about her. At first I thought that was just normal but recently one of my friends told me that most people think about having sex with a lot of people they find attractive, and I realized that I never had for anyone. Whenever I do think about sex it’s not with a specific person, and when I try to put a real person into those thoughts it almost feels wrong. I’m not against sex but I just don’t have sexual thoughts about people.

https://redd.it/1pne9si
@asexualityonreddit

Asexual "dysphoria"?

Any other asexuals feeling bothered by their sexuality as they're getting older?

Everything was hunky dory in my teens to early twenties but now I'm almost 30 and I'm feeling/noticing my asexuality way more in ways I didn't when I was younger.
All others I know my age are starting families and marrying, not as much time to hang out. Feels like my sexuality's this niche life altering thing most people won't even hear about.

Been in various ace circles for almost a decade at this point. And after a year of opening to chatting/meeting, sometimes dating others through various means I've noticed that I have real hard time relating to other aces. Which doesn't really help the situation. Feels like most of the aces I see/talk to are either too young to relate to, upset at allosexuality or prefer to talk about fictional stuff like fandom, which doesn't intrest as much nowadays. I feel a bit out of place wherever I go.

Tried to talk about this with a therapists but they straight up didn't understand what I was talking about, instead thinking I was infertile or some shit. It's a shot in the dark but can any other "aging" aces relate to this state of dysphoria?

(Maybe I'm just depressed or it's an early midlife crisis idk lol)

https://redd.it/1pnealt
@asexualityonreddit

I'm tired of people sexualizing people/characters that are asexual

Im tired of people sexualizing asexuality. I've known I was ace for years and I still have people trying to tell me that if I haven't done that, how do I know that I don't like it or that I'm too young to know for sure what I do or don't want. It sucks even more when someone is so clearly being so disrespectful towards me and others in the community and when I get upset they say it's not a big deal. I hate when people say that they could change someone who's asexuality, and it sucks when its fictional characters too. It feels like there's not as much representation for the asexuals as other members of the LGBTQ+ community and everytime there is, it feels like it gets ruined by gooners who think that just because they 'aren't real' that it makes it okay somehow. An example would be Mychael from Mushroom Oasis. I related to his character so much by personality but even more so since he's canonically asexual. So, whenever someone sexualizes him or makes gross comments, it makes me feel like crap and that there's so many people that just don't get it. And it'd be the same people who yell at people that turn gay characters straight who tell me I'm overreacting. Maybe I am overreacting but I'm just so tired of people just not understanding that it almost feels on purpose now that these people refuse to educate themselves on what it means. Instead, I get idiots who say that I'm just celibate with a 'Cool Woke Rebrand!!!'


Sorry for wall of text and probably some spelling errors, I just needed to get it off my chest because it makes me so upset that an overwhelming amount of people just don't understand or don't care enough to understand or respect asexuals/asexuality

https://redd.it/1pnm4bf
@asexualityonreddit

Being Trans And Sex Repulsed Is So Much Fun!!!!

I’m so sick of people saying “ooo you’ll find someone someday!” Like I’d rather you just tell me you have no advice for me but that you’re here for me and want to support me.

I am strictly asexual. Never want it ever. No I won’t even do it for my partners sake, it grosses me out that much. And I tell this to EVERY single person who asks me out. Same shit happens “ohh it’s fine I don’t need sex!” Then within weeks they bring it up and ask for it and then play victim when I break things off.

Being trans and dating is hard enough as it is. You don’t know who’s a fuckin chaser and who isn’t. “Just get to know them!!” I talked to a guy for over a year before we started dating and he turned out to be one, how can you possibly expect me to trust anyone after that? I waited a year, I guess the blame is on me for getting to know someone for that long and thinking “well, this seems safe.”

No one I’ve been with has seen me as a man, not even the other trans person I was with. You either have chasers or performative allies who think they’re so sweet by constantly infantilizing you and saying things like “I hate men! But not you, you’re trans!” Do you think I’m dumb? Do you think I can’t tell that you don’t see me as a real man?

I’m also incredibly short and awkward and can’t flirt, my repulsion to sex and the fact that I can’t really be an assertive or flirty person is a huge trigger for my dysphoria, don’t tell me “oh you don’t have to be a certain way!” If I want to be seen as a man, yes I do. I don’t act like a stereotypical man should. I’m not flirty, I can’t be strong and dominant. And I hate it and I hate being told “oh you’re special you should embrace it!” No I just want to be normal because everyone thinks I’m some uwu trans baby boi who’s so shy and meek and sensitive that they just need to walk on eggshells around and coddle. I hate being told how feminine I am, I hate that I’m so emotional and timid because those aren’t traits usually associated with men. They’re traits associated with women. I’m never manly enough no matter how hard I try to change myself.

I’m never a person. I’m never a man. I’m always a trans man. A fetish. An object, the token person people befriend to show others how much of an ally they are. I will never trust anyone again. All people know how to do is bully me, infantilize me, fetishize me, or get with me so I can be a part of their gross fantasies.

https://redd.it/1pnnlby
@asexualityonreddit

US-based & 18+? Participate in research on sexual and romantic needs 🧠

Hey everyone — posting this study with mod approval 🙏

I am part of a team of NYU researchers (led by Dr. Zhana Vrangalova) that is running an IRB-approved, confidential online survey exploring **people’s sexual and romantic needs** and how they shape thriving across different relational lifestyles.

Specifically, we're developing new valid, comprehensive measures of **these needs.** To map out their full spectrum, we need a large and **diverse group of participants** from a wide range of sexual and relational experiences to contribute their perspective. *If you're human and can thoughtfully reflect and report on your sexual and romantic needs, we want your voice in there.*

**Eligibility:**

* 18 or older
* Currently residing in the US
* Fluent in English

Depending on the number of sections you choose to complete, the survey takes between **40-60 minutes** on average (\~**400-700 mostly multiple-choice questions** about how you think and feel when it comes to sex and romance)**.**

There is **no direct compensation** for participating, but many report **benefits from the reflections** it offers.

If you’d like, you can also enter a **raffle for one of 150 × $20 Amazon gift cards** (awarded after the survey closes).

👉[ **TAKE THE SURVEY HERE** ](https://nyu.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_7OphTMSQeQVjjWS)

(*Can be completed in multiple sessions.)*

**Deadline** to complete: **December 31**, **2025**.

*Know others who might be interested in helping with this research project?* ***Please share the survey info and link*** *with them!*

Any questions or feedback, comment here or email Dr. Zhana directly at zhana.v@nyu.edu.

Thank you for helping advance relationship science ❤️


https://redd.it/1pngk5u
@asexualityonreddit

Dating as asexual makes me feel like an alien

I know dating when you’re part of any sexual minority can be super challenging, but I feel like as asexual it’s just… even more difficult. So many people even from other minorities view sex as such a fundamental part of romantic relationships they simply can’t fathom going celibate – which I completely respect, but it does make me feel a bit hopeless. I'm sex averse, heteroromantic and monogamous, which does feel like a pretty unlucky combo.

I keep seeing comments like “you should date another asexual, or find a low-libido allo who doesn’t care about sex!” And I always chuckle at those comments because, yes, in theory that’s exactly what I should do. But in practice that’s near impossible. I’ve been trying, trust me! But the dating pool is so tiny it’s barely there, and I live in a small country with no asexual community on top of that. I honestly feel like an alien whenever I try to date.

I’m about to turn 28, I’ve been active on dating apps and ace dating sites since I was 20. The few asexual men I’ve talked to have been half the world away and we’ve had nothing in common anyway. And out of all the allo men… well, none have been fine going celibate. I’ve gone on ONE date in my entire life. I’ve been asked out a couple of times by irl friends, but when I’ve mentioned my asexuality they back away immediately.

The thought of growing old alone without ever finding a partner is honestly heartbreaking to me. I am a very romantic person and I have so much love to give. Yes, friends and family are great but they just don’t fill that specific hole.

I’m always very clear about my sexuality and my boundaries, and I know I never have to have sex if I don’t want to. But I just feel like that’s costing me the possibility of finding a partner.

Anyway, rant over I suppose. Just felt like venting, if anyone can relate or vent together I'm always here lol

https://redd.it/1pnpjap
@asexualityonreddit