The double standard (Aroace GF vs Non aroace BF)
So I'm an aroace girl who's in a relationship with a non aroace boy the same age as me. We've agreed not to have sex until marriage, and it's for very similar reasons just with different logic behind it for us.
When people hear that we haven't had sex despite being together for a year the double standard with how they respond to me vs my boyfriend is insane.
When my boyfriend says he's not having sex with me, he's praised for being a good Catholic boy who's not giving into temptation and taking responsibility for his actions by not having reckless young adult sex. That he's one of the true good ones for not trying to pressure me into sex (as if this isn't/shouldn't be the bare minimum)
When I say I'm not having sex with my boyfriend and people learn it's partly because I'm aroace I get told I'm a prude who's "withholding affection and needs" from my boyfriend and I'm holding the promise of sex and children above his head to force him into marrying me one day. I've lost count of how many times I've gotten the "your poor boyfriend" comments when I say I don't want to have sex.
I honestly can't tell if this is misogyny or aphobia or somewhere in between. My boyfriend is praised for not having sex with me, but I just get demonized for it. This all comes from peers around our age (17-22) when the topic comes up. Are people really that obsessed with sex?
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So I'm an aroace girl who's in a relationship with a non aroace boy the same age as me. We've agreed not to have sex until marriage, and it's for very similar reasons just with different logic behind it for us.
When people hear that we haven't had sex despite being together for a year the double standard with how they respond to me vs my boyfriend is insane.
When my boyfriend says he's not having sex with me, he's praised for being a good Catholic boy who's not giving into temptation and taking responsibility for his actions by not having reckless young adult sex. That he's one of the true good ones for not trying to pressure me into sex (as if this isn't/shouldn't be the bare minimum)
When I say I'm not having sex with my boyfriend and people learn it's partly because I'm aroace I get told I'm a prude who's "withholding affection and needs" from my boyfriend and I'm holding the promise of sex and children above his head to force him into marrying me one day. I've lost count of how many times I've gotten the "your poor boyfriend" comments when I say I don't want to have sex.
I honestly can't tell if this is misogyny or aphobia or somewhere in between. My boyfriend is praised for not having sex with me, but I just get demonized for it. This all comes from peers around our age (17-22) when the topic comes up. Are people really that obsessed with sex?
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Have you ever shared a bed with a non-family member without any sexual interactions?
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Have you ever shared a bed with a non-family member without any sexual interactions?
...
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...
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the struggles of asexual masturbating
Jerking off is fun. i dont always have the time or privacy to, so the rare times the conditions are right, it's a nice way to pass the time. Problem is. I'm asexual. like. super asexual. Porn doesn't DO anything for me (its just bodies moving !!! it means nothing !! it really just looks stiff and uncomfortable ! ) , I don't have any kinks or fetishes, I can't imagine MYSELF having sex (grosses me out), audios are BAD (no offense), art or animation is barely any different from real life porn. Literature or Fanfiction is like a 50/50. I find the description of emotions and feelings and senses to be much more immersive and it's just vague enough that it doesn't play like a real porno in my mind but then, sometimes they get corny or over the top So fast,, Or they are just TOO vague so it's barely personal and it's like cool, im reading, like, words on a page but its not turning me on, so what now. and then even if I read something that works it only works that ONE TIME.
It's like what am i supposed to DO dawg. I'm bound to reading but i dont care for the body parts youre describing as Girthy or Plump i dont CAREEE I DONT LIKE SEX ORGANS... i dont know what exactly i like and iT SUCKS cant a girl just jack off ever once in a while without going through this process.. the impossible task... does anyone relate to this, does anyone have any cheat codes for this any buggg fixes T.T
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@asexualityonreddit
Jerking off is fun. i dont always have the time or privacy to, so the rare times the conditions are right, it's a nice way to pass the time. Problem is. I'm asexual. like. super asexual. Porn doesn't DO anything for me (its just bodies moving !!! it means nothing !! it really just looks stiff and uncomfortable ! ) , I don't have any kinks or fetishes, I can't imagine MYSELF having sex (grosses me out), audios are BAD (no offense), art or animation is barely any different from real life porn. Literature or Fanfiction is like a 50/50. I find the description of emotions and feelings and senses to be much more immersive and it's just vague enough that it doesn't play like a real porno in my mind but then, sometimes they get corny or over the top So fast,, Or they are just TOO vague so it's barely personal and it's like cool, im reading, like, words on a page but its not turning me on, so what now. and then even if I read something that works it only works that ONE TIME.
It's like what am i supposed to DO dawg. I'm bound to reading but i dont care for the body parts youre describing as Girthy or Plump i dont CAREEE I DONT LIKE SEX ORGANS... i dont know what exactly i like and iT SUCKS cant a girl just jack off ever once in a while without going through this process.. the impossible task... does anyone relate to this, does anyone have any cheat codes for this any buggg fixes T.T
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Need advice
Hi. I have been living away from my transphobic and asexual phobic parents for about 3 years. Only problem is both of them have legal guardianship over my person and my estate, due to the fact that I am disabled. They are both abusive as well in every way but sexual. Last year, I almost got my mom out in jail for assaulting me. However, her, my dad, and my extended family would not stop pressuring me to drop the case, and eventually I did , as the peer pressure was too much for me. However, I personally would have preferred that she went to jail. What should I do? I don’t have the money to pay for a lawyer to challenge the guardianship. Also I have decided that my brother will be the only person in my entire family that I will keep in my life as he has been the only person who has been able to see things from both sides. The rest of my family refuses to believe me, even when I have been vulnerable with them. I am asexual and omniromantic if it helps. Also how should I go about finding a new chosen family?
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@asexualityonreddit
Hi. I have been living away from my transphobic and asexual phobic parents for about 3 years. Only problem is both of them have legal guardianship over my person and my estate, due to the fact that I am disabled. They are both abusive as well in every way but sexual. Last year, I almost got my mom out in jail for assaulting me. However, her, my dad, and my extended family would not stop pressuring me to drop the case, and eventually I did , as the peer pressure was too much for me. However, I personally would have preferred that she went to jail. What should I do? I don’t have the money to pay for a lawyer to challenge the guardianship. Also I have decided that my brother will be the only person in my entire family that I will keep in my life as he has been the only person who has been able to see things from both sides. The rest of my family refuses to believe me, even when I have been vulnerable with them. I am asexual and omniromantic if it helps. Also how should I go about finding a new chosen family?
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When does Sex-Repulsion become a mental health issue?
I am personally aroace and generally sex-neutral/positive (I appreciate sexual aesthetics, and masturbate for physical relief), While reading one of the threads, I started thinking about the question in the title.
The Key Distinction:
Standard Sex-Repulsion/Aversion: A personal preference where you have no interest in sexual activity, find the concept unpleasant, or simply prefer to avoid it. This is a normal part of the ace spectrum and does not usually cause distress.
AND
Repulsion that requires deeper work: When sex-repulsion is so intense that it extends to disgust with one’s own body, particularly one's genitals.
I believe when a normal aversion to sexual topics and processes begins to turn into hatred for one's self or one's own genitals, that seems to cross the line from a simple orientation preference into an issue of internalized shame, lack of self-acceptance, or trauma that might need to be addressed with a therapist. Just like being extremely pessimistic or optimistic can be detrimental.
What are your thoughts?
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@asexualityonreddit
I am personally aroace and generally sex-neutral/positive (I appreciate sexual aesthetics, and masturbate for physical relief), While reading one of the threads, I started thinking about the question in the title.
The Key Distinction:
Standard Sex-Repulsion/Aversion: A personal preference where you have no interest in sexual activity, find the concept unpleasant, or simply prefer to avoid it. This is a normal part of the ace spectrum and does not usually cause distress.
AND
Repulsion that requires deeper work: When sex-repulsion is so intense that it extends to disgust with one’s own body, particularly one's genitals.
I believe when a normal aversion to sexual topics and processes begins to turn into hatred for one's self or one's own genitals, that seems to cross the line from a simple orientation preference into an issue of internalized shame, lack of self-acceptance, or trauma that might need to be addressed with a therapist. Just like being extremely pessimistic or optimistic can be detrimental.
What are your thoughts?
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DID the A ever stand for Ally?
Lemme preface, I am asexual myself.
I heard, once a long time ago, that at some point during the late 90's, early 2000's, that some GSA's in the US did include Allies in the acronym, mostly to provide people plausible deniability so that they could come to these gatherings without having to out themselves. And also, presumably, because Allies were/are considered a part of the community even if they're not minorities in that way.
The thing is, I don't have a source for that. The person who said it also doesn't have a concrete source for it other than "this was a thing in the past". Which sort of makes sense, it's not like people wrote a whole lot of research papers and news articles about this kind of thing in those days. I'm really mostly curious if any of you have heard about or experienced anything like this.
I'm mostly asking to satisfy my curiosity and get the facts straight. I've always identified myself as queer more than LGBTQ+, and it really doesn't affect my life one way or another if an ally considers themself a part of the community or not. I say the more the merrier- but I understand that many asexuals do Not feel this way on account of the repeated erasure we experience as a community.
Thoughts and experiences appreciated, thanks in advance guys.
https://redd.it/1pl12vz
@asexualityonreddit
Lemme preface, I am asexual myself.
I heard, once a long time ago, that at some point during the late 90's, early 2000's, that some GSA's in the US did include Allies in the acronym, mostly to provide people plausible deniability so that they could come to these gatherings without having to out themselves. And also, presumably, because Allies were/are considered a part of the community even if they're not minorities in that way.
The thing is, I don't have a source for that. The person who said it also doesn't have a concrete source for it other than "this was a thing in the past". Which sort of makes sense, it's not like people wrote a whole lot of research papers and news articles about this kind of thing in those days. I'm really mostly curious if any of you have heard about or experienced anything like this.
I'm mostly asking to satisfy my curiosity and get the facts straight. I've always identified myself as queer more than LGBTQ+, and it really doesn't affect my life one way or another if an ally considers themself a part of the community or not. I say the more the merrier- but I understand that many asexuals do Not feel this way on account of the repeated erasure we experience as a community.
Thoughts and experiences appreciated, thanks in advance guys.
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Am I asexual?
I've always been someone who pretended to have sexual feelings, and I've always verbalized them as if I really felt them. But no, I don't feel them, I've never looked at someone and wanted to try something sexual with them. I always did it to feel more included, less different.
Today, I went out with a girl who had already told me many sexual things, and she kissed me, without warning or anything. She also sucked on my neck, put my hands on her breasts, and touched me in a very sexual way.
Now that I'm home, I'm vomiting like crazy, and feeling very bad for having allowed every touch of hers. Every time I remember, I start crying desperately. Could I be asexual?
I just want help with this, I have no one to confide in...
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I've always been someone who pretended to have sexual feelings, and I've always verbalized them as if I really felt them. But no, I don't feel them, I've never looked at someone and wanted to try something sexual with them. I always did it to feel more included, less different.
Today, I went out with a girl who had already told me many sexual things, and she kissed me, without warning or anything. She also sucked on my neck, put my hands on her breasts, and touched me in a very sexual way.
Now that I'm home, I'm vomiting like crazy, and feeling very bad for having allowed every touch of hers. Every time I remember, I start crying desperately. Could I be asexual?
I just want help with this, I have no one to confide in...
https://redd.it/1pla8kr
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Asexual, or Traumatised?
Hi everyone, sorry if this has been asked before.
I’m a 26F and a virgin, and lately I’ve been wondering whether I might be asexual. I’ve had many opportunities to have sex in the past, but I never really wanted to. The confusing part is that I do want it, I’m just afraid.
The only times I’ve come close to having sex were when I was extremely drunk. Alcohol helped lower my fear around foreplay, but I was still too scared to take someone home with me. Regardless of gender, the moment things start to feel “serious,” my body goes into full alarm mode. I only feel safe and calm again once I’m no longer in that situation. That said, I feel significantly more comfortable with women and have been able to go further without panic.
At the same time, I’m a very romantic person. I fantasize about love, I masturbate daily, and I do feel attraction, especially to men. However, even when I’m attracted to someone, my brain often fixates on a flaw the next day and completely shuts things down. Over time, this hasn’t just been about fear anymore; shame has also crept in. I worry that being a virgin at my age is a turn-off, that people would judge me, or worse, hurt me if they knew how vulnerable I am.
I also want to share what I think might be the origin of this fear. When I was young, I experienced trauma involving my father, who was extremely violent. For years, I was so afraid of him that I would cry just from seeing him. I grew up without a safe father figure and learned to associate men not with protection or love, but with fear.
For the past three years, I’ve been trying to understand whether my sex-repulsion comes from trauma, asexuality, or some combination of both. Therapy seemed like a possible way to figure this out, but my experiences have left me unsure. The therapists I saw strongly rejected the idea that I might be asexual. I also live in a very religious country, so I can’t tell whether their dismissal came from queerphobia or from not recognizing asexuality as a real orientation at all.
I’ve also talked to friends in the queer community, almost the complete opposite ideological space, but there, I felt like trauma wasn’t being taken seriously, and the answers felt very rigid in the other direction.
At this point, I feel stuck between perspectives I don’t fully trust. I feel pressured to have sex and do not seek it, yet I deeply want to be able to experience it without fear or repulsion. Thinking about all of this overwhelms me, and I often end up crying.
If anyone here has experienced something similar, or has insight into navigating the overlap between trauma, sexuality, and fear, I would really appreciate hearing any of your thoughts.
Thank you for reading.
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@asexualityonreddit
Hi everyone, sorry if this has been asked before.
I’m a 26F and a virgin, and lately I’ve been wondering whether I might be asexual. I’ve had many opportunities to have sex in the past, but I never really wanted to. The confusing part is that I do want it, I’m just afraid.
The only times I’ve come close to having sex were when I was extremely drunk. Alcohol helped lower my fear around foreplay, but I was still too scared to take someone home with me. Regardless of gender, the moment things start to feel “serious,” my body goes into full alarm mode. I only feel safe and calm again once I’m no longer in that situation. That said, I feel significantly more comfortable with women and have been able to go further without panic.
At the same time, I’m a very romantic person. I fantasize about love, I masturbate daily, and I do feel attraction, especially to men. However, even when I’m attracted to someone, my brain often fixates on a flaw the next day and completely shuts things down. Over time, this hasn’t just been about fear anymore; shame has also crept in. I worry that being a virgin at my age is a turn-off, that people would judge me, or worse, hurt me if they knew how vulnerable I am.
I also want to share what I think might be the origin of this fear. When I was young, I experienced trauma involving my father, who was extremely violent. For years, I was so afraid of him that I would cry just from seeing him. I grew up without a safe father figure and learned to associate men not with protection or love, but with fear.
For the past three years, I’ve been trying to understand whether my sex-repulsion comes from trauma, asexuality, or some combination of both. Therapy seemed like a possible way to figure this out, but my experiences have left me unsure. The therapists I saw strongly rejected the idea that I might be asexual. I also live in a very religious country, so I can’t tell whether their dismissal came from queerphobia or from not recognizing asexuality as a real orientation at all.
I’ve also talked to friends in the queer community, almost the complete opposite ideological space, but there, I felt like trauma wasn’t being taken seriously, and the answers felt very rigid in the other direction.
At this point, I feel stuck between perspectives I don’t fully trust. I feel pressured to have sex and do not seek it, yet I deeply want to be able to experience it without fear or repulsion. Thinking about all of this overwhelms me, and I often end up crying.
If anyone here has experienced something similar, or has insight into navigating the overlap between trauma, sexuality, and fear, I would really appreciate hearing any of your thoughts.
Thank you for reading.
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An asexual girl and a hypersexual boy
Hi guys \^\^ well first of all I want to put a little disclaimer because amm I know that this is an asexual community and I would like you to support me in this because to be honest it is a regret that I carry with all my heart and despite everything I still love my boy because for some reason something makes me stay here although I know it is risky
This is a thin line between an asexual and a hypersexual but I want you to help me I just need opinions you write me all your thoughts as a result of this post
Well, my boyfriend, he just told me about his first time (sex) and how it was and more than angry it's simply more like sadness amm... you know I don't really know it's a bucket of ice water running through my body because I didn't understand very well because maybe because of the "sorrow" maybe he even cried a little but I stopped too quickly here you go, be patient with me, I'm really a little clumsy :< to explain myself and all that kind of little things
It is really difficult for me to accept because as you know life sx should be free but there are points that I would like to clarify.
1. He wasn't with any gf (in fact according to him he has never had a gf)
2. It happened when I was 16-18 again I tell you this because you didn't tell me chronologically
3. Please don't judge me for being an asshole, maybe he is a victim of toxic masculinity/male chauvinism and his environment :( and so I wouldn't want him to be judged either.
Well, you'll see his father is a sexist person. I'll tell you some info, not exact if I can't stay alive. He is someone who is inside politics, in government to be exact. And well, the father is from the village/ranch (i’m mexican), the fact is that they tend to have such a shit mentality, because they boast of good people when reality is another
He says that he feels that his father is not a "bad father" but to me it seems disastrous and a bias because he has normalized so many things at the moment I would not know how to describe him but it would be a shame to have him as a father. Now to have more ideas about the ideals within this family is: Toxic masculinity and homophobia. My boyfriend's father in his 18's took him escorts and well he thought he was going to have a good time, they were 2 girls. And well, that's what he thought at first, he certainly didn't tell me that he didn't like it but at the same time he didn't deny it either. It was more than anything because of the father because he cheated on him.
Let's go in parts, the dad tells my bf that he said they were going to celebrate the party, which was false because he deceived him, and took him to a place of escorts where he had a meeting. It's sad you know because he couldn't refuse because his dad told him that if he didn't do it he was a "maricón” here in Mexico it’s like “gay” but more aggressive, my bf says that he has always been of the "old” idea that he would have liked to lose his virginity with his wife/wife. But he feels guilty. You know I don't know whether to believe him: (I'm sad he told me recently that when he was with his father he told him that if he brought him some escort again and his father knew THAT I’M HIS GF. Then he confessed to me that he had also told his older brother. And that he has accepted despite the fact that he has been in a relationship for 3/4 years...
What do you think? Do you want more background? I can write more but I'm a little tired of sadness:(
https://redd.it/1ple3za
@asexualityonreddit
Hi guys \^\^ well first of all I want to put a little disclaimer because amm I know that this is an asexual community and I would like you to support me in this because to be honest it is a regret that I carry with all my heart and despite everything I still love my boy because for some reason something makes me stay here although I know it is risky
This is a thin line between an asexual and a hypersexual but I want you to help me I just need opinions you write me all your thoughts as a result of this post
Well, my boyfriend, he just told me about his first time (sex) and how it was and more than angry it's simply more like sadness amm... you know I don't really know it's a bucket of ice water running through my body because I didn't understand very well because maybe because of the "sorrow" maybe he even cried a little but I stopped too quickly here you go, be patient with me, I'm really a little clumsy :< to explain myself and all that kind of little things
It is really difficult for me to accept because as you know life sx should be free but there are points that I would like to clarify.
1. He wasn't with any gf (in fact according to him he has never had a gf)
2. It happened when I was 16-18 again I tell you this because you didn't tell me chronologically
3. Please don't judge me for being an asshole, maybe he is a victim of toxic masculinity/male chauvinism and his environment :( and so I wouldn't want him to be judged either.
Well, you'll see his father is a sexist person. I'll tell you some info, not exact if I can't stay alive. He is someone who is inside politics, in government to be exact. And well, the father is from the village/ranch (i’m mexican), the fact is that they tend to have such a shit mentality, because they boast of good people when reality is another
He says that he feels that his father is not a "bad father" but to me it seems disastrous and a bias because he has normalized so many things at the moment I would not know how to describe him but it would be a shame to have him as a father. Now to have more ideas about the ideals within this family is: Toxic masculinity and homophobia. My boyfriend's father in his 18's took him escorts and well he thought he was going to have a good time, they were 2 girls. And well, that's what he thought at first, he certainly didn't tell me that he didn't like it but at the same time he didn't deny it either. It was more than anything because of the father because he cheated on him.
Let's go in parts, the dad tells my bf that he said they were going to celebrate the party, which was false because he deceived him, and took him to a place of escorts where he had a meeting. It's sad you know because he couldn't refuse because his dad told him that if he didn't do it he was a "maricón” here in Mexico it’s like “gay” but more aggressive, my bf says that he has always been of the "old” idea that he would have liked to lose his virginity with his wife/wife. But he feels guilty. You know I don't know whether to believe him: (I'm sad he told me recently that when he was with his father he told him that if he brought him some escort again and his father knew THAT I’M HIS GF. Then he confessed to me that he had also told his older brother. And that he has accepted despite the fact that he has been in a relationship for 3/4 years...
What do you think? Do you want more background? I can write more but I'm a little tired of sadness:(
https://redd.it/1ple3za
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Most people look hotter with clothes on
I experience some attraction (ish? it’s complicated), but generally speaking I don’t love seeing people naked. I am very comfortable with non sexual nudity, and even sexual nudity happening around me, but if I’m honest… I never want to see potential partners nudes. I don’t like thinking about or looking at genitals. Underwear pics are way more attractive to me than seeing full nudity. As you can imagine, I’m not much of a porn consumer, and much prefer smut.
There are body parts I like, or sensations I can enjoy thinking about! I just prefer the genitals be covered up. I also think clothes including “sexy” clothes like jockstraps or lingerie can be really effective in highlighting interesting parts of the body, and offer some aesthetic enhancements.
I’m guessing this is an ace thing, but I’d like to hear other opinions.
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I experience some attraction (ish? it’s complicated), but generally speaking I don’t love seeing people naked. I am very comfortable with non sexual nudity, and even sexual nudity happening around me, but if I’m honest… I never want to see potential partners nudes. I don’t like thinking about or looking at genitals. Underwear pics are way more attractive to me than seeing full nudity. As you can imagine, I’m not much of a porn consumer, and much prefer smut.
There are body parts I like, or sensations I can enjoy thinking about! I just prefer the genitals be covered up. I also think clothes including “sexy” clothes like jockstraps or lingerie can be really effective in highlighting interesting parts of the body, and offer some aesthetic enhancements.
I’m guessing this is an ace thing, but I’d like to hear other opinions.
https://redd.it/1pleg2x
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Sexual attraction or just sexual drive?
So I recently lost my virginity to this guy who's my fwb now. Recently we were hanging out (nothing sexual) and I found myself wishing he'd touch me. I was weirded out, bc so far it's all been about my sexual drive, not my sexual attraction (never felt that before in my life) or him specifically. I admit he has a hot body, but now I wonder... is it sexual attraction??? I do like sex with him, it's fun. But now I'm hella confused lol.
https://redd.it/1plfz5r
@asexualityonreddit
So I recently lost my virginity to this guy who's my fwb now. Recently we were hanging out (nothing sexual) and I found myself wishing he'd touch me. I was weirded out, bc so far it's all been about my sexual drive, not my sexual attraction (never felt that before in my life) or him specifically. I admit he has a hot body, but now I wonder... is it sexual attraction??? I do like sex with him, it's fun. But now I'm hella confused lol.
https://redd.it/1plfz5r
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Asexual Boy & Demisexual Boy
So I'm asexual and my boyfriend is demisexual.... At first he thought he's asexual and now we're together for almost 2 yrs and recently he told me that he's demisexual... And we're so in love .... But I need an advice .... I don't have words how to ask .... Anyone who speaks Urdu .... Just comment below 👇
https://redd.it/1plfef8
@asexualityonreddit
So I'm asexual and my boyfriend is demisexual.... At first he thought he's asexual and now we're together for almost 2 yrs and recently he told me that he's demisexual... And we're so in love .... But I need an advice .... I don't have words how to ask .... Anyone who speaks Urdu .... Just comment below 👇
https://redd.it/1plfef8
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