I've never considered myself being on the ace spectrum but i quite like the idea of being in a relationship without sex
little storytime for context: I've had a chrush on someone for a long time and recently it turned out that he likes me too and i couldn't be happier honestly. we made out and in the middle of the whole thing he told me that he's asexual and he wants me to know that he doesn't want to do anything more than kissing. i obviously told him that I'm okay with that and i won't be trying to push for anything anyways.
I've had moments before when i thought about being on the asexual spectrum but I've never really gave enough space to those thoughts before. I've had sex before multiple times and it was never a big deal for me. i am pretty sure i have experienced sexual attraction before, so naturally i considered myself allosexual, however i never understood why are we as a society putting any sexual activity over literally everything else. i always felt like it is just one fun thing you can do with your partner out of a million.
after this guy told me he's ace i reconsidered so many things, and honestly the idea that i could be in a relationship with him where i don't have to worry about sex got a huge weight off of my chest. we have an emotional bond that feels like nothing I've ever felt before and i can't wait to spend the rest of my life watching shitty shows while laying on his shoulder or cooking dinner together or getting cheap coffe at the mall on a weekday.
but i can't help but wonder could this mean I'm asexual?
https://redd.it/1peyfwb
@asexualityonreddit
little storytime for context: I've had a chrush on someone for a long time and recently it turned out that he likes me too and i couldn't be happier honestly. we made out and in the middle of the whole thing he told me that he's asexual and he wants me to know that he doesn't want to do anything more than kissing. i obviously told him that I'm okay with that and i won't be trying to push for anything anyways.
I've had moments before when i thought about being on the asexual spectrum but I've never really gave enough space to those thoughts before. I've had sex before multiple times and it was never a big deal for me. i am pretty sure i have experienced sexual attraction before, so naturally i considered myself allosexual, however i never understood why are we as a society putting any sexual activity over literally everything else. i always felt like it is just one fun thing you can do with your partner out of a million.
after this guy told me he's ace i reconsidered so many things, and honestly the idea that i could be in a relationship with him where i don't have to worry about sex got a huge weight off of my chest. we have an emotional bond that feels like nothing I've ever felt before and i can't wait to spend the rest of my life watching shitty shows while laying on his shoulder or cooking dinner together or getting cheap coffe at the mall on a weekday.
but i can't help but wonder could this mean I'm asexual?
https://redd.it/1peyfwb
@asexualityonreddit
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Inclusivity is NOT exclusion or erasure, and acting like it is, is harmful.
I feel like something here needs to be addressed, and it’s a cycle I see on this subreddit happen again and again. For reference I am sex repulsed.
A recurring problem I see on this subreddit is a prevailing idea that the visible existence of sexual aces invalidates repulsed asexuals. The amount of times I’ve seen a repulsed ace saying they feel othered or they don’t belong in the ace community because they see evidence sexual aces exist is ridiculous.
Let’s be clear. YOUR orientation validity has bupkiss to do with other people’s sex lives. There is zero danger of repulsed asexuals being forgotten and the entire community turning into a sexual haven.
Repulsed aces are STILL the default. Every single time someone does the survey again in here, repulsed individuals are the majority. For all the people griping about hearing allos throw out the fact that asexual people can still have sex, there’s 20 allos that just equate asexuality with not liking sex or being celibate.
We don’t get to try to silence and shut up people because their existence makes things complicated. That’s another argument I’ve seen. “It confuses the allos and I’m forced to explain myself”. I’m sorry, that’s lazy. You’re used to being the default and that works for you. But again, forcing a large group of our brethren into silence so things don’t get complicated is just wrong.
The people upset that sex is discussed at all in here need to realize that in a way, sex is our common denominator. I’m sure there’s clean chat subreddits on here. This forum isn’t about chat that doesn’t involve sex. It’s all about our sex lives, honestly. There wouldn’t be a coherent theme without it.
I’m very very tired of repulsed people on here (which again, I am one), using the acknowledgment that sex exists and that asexual people may have sex or even enjoy it as proof they aren’t welcome here. Including and acknowledging the existence of other people is NOT excluding you. You’re the one trying to do the excluding, and it’s not okay.
https://redd.it/1pf0w8o
@asexualityonreddit
I feel like something here needs to be addressed, and it’s a cycle I see on this subreddit happen again and again. For reference I am sex repulsed.
A recurring problem I see on this subreddit is a prevailing idea that the visible existence of sexual aces invalidates repulsed asexuals. The amount of times I’ve seen a repulsed ace saying they feel othered or they don’t belong in the ace community because they see evidence sexual aces exist is ridiculous.
Let’s be clear. YOUR orientation validity has bupkiss to do with other people’s sex lives. There is zero danger of repulsed asexuals being forgotten and the entire community turning into a sexual haven.
Repulsed aces are STILL the default. Every single time someone does the survey again in here, repulsed individuals are the majority. For all the people griping about hearing allos throw out the fact that asexual people can still have sex, there’s 20 allos that just equate asexuality with not liking sex or being celibate.
We don’t get to try to silence and shut up people because their existence makes things complicated. That’s another argument I’ve seen. “It confuses the allos and I’m forced to explain myself”. I’m sorry, that’s lazy. You’re used to being the default and that works for you. But again, forcing a large group of our brethren into silence so things don’t get complicated is just wrong.
The people upset that sex is discussed at all in here need to realize that in a way, sex is our common denominator. I’m sure there’s clean chat subreddits on here. This forum isn’t about chat that doesn’t involve sex. It’s all about our sex lives, honestly. There wouldn’t be a coherent theme without it.
I’m very very tired of repulsed people on here (which again, I am one), using the acknowledgment that sex exists and that asexual people may have sex or even enjoy it as proof they aren’t welcome here. Including and acknowledging the existence of other people is NOT excluding you. You’re the one trying to do the excluding, and it’s not okay.
https://redd.it/1pf0w8o
@asexualityonreddit
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I think I identify as asexual but I don't think I will ever label myself as such
My Sexuality has always been very confusing for me. When I was 17 I remember questioning if I was asexual but I just assumed I must've lost feelings for my boyfriend at the time and that is why I felt like I didn't want to have sex with him anymore. Like a year into our relationship I told him I thought I might be a lesbian because sex with him always felt pretty neutral for me. I stopped feeling the desire to initiate with him and when he initiated it felt like a "chore". We ended up having a very long conversation with lots of tears but ultimately ended up staying together. He told me he was "fine with me hooking up with girls" (I didn't) and begged me to stay with him (the entire relationship was a mess don't judge). After that we both just kind of forgot about the whole me suspecting I'm a lesbian thing
When we broke up I slept with someone new every month but I honestly never enjoyed it. I just assumed I had terrible luck and everyone I slept with was just bad at sex. I was freshly 18 so its not as if the people I was sleeping with had tons of experience and I thought it would get better. I didn't even consider the possibility I might be asexual at the time because 99% of the time I was the one initiating. When I met my current boyfriend, he was a virgin and I was the one that initiated all of our firsts. I just felt indifferent towards sex and it wasn't that big of a deal to me. We have been together for almost 3 years now and he has been an amazing partner. He has been supportive of everything I do and I feel so safe and comfortable with him. I've never been in such a healthy relationship before and this peace has let me really reflect a lot about stuff that has happened to me and also my own toxic behaviours.
We used to have sex multiple times a day some days at the beginning of our relationship but for the past 2 years or so though my desire to have sex has been non-existent. I used to think it was such a big deal and listened to a lot of sex positive podcasts and subreddits to try ways to "re-ignite" the spark. Thinking about it now though, I think I was more worried about him leaving me for not wanting to have sex rather than actually wanting to have sex. He has never once pressured me or did anything to suggest this would be true though. I realise now that the reason I always was the one initiating was because of my own toxic mindset. I felt like I needed to satisfy the other person or they would leave me.
Literally only after looking into this subreddit did I realise that I've never actually felt sexual attraction to another person. I didn't realise most people have the thoughts of "I want to have sex with them" when they see someone attractive. I always thought asexual people just don't like sex and that is all there is to it. Sex with someone that knows your body can physically feel good though and asexual people can have sex. I realise now that every time I initiated was due to anxiety and not because I was horny. I don't think I will ever tell anyone in my life that I am asexual though. In my opinion, my sexuality is no ones concern but mine and my partner's and I have no problem having sex to satisfy my boyfriend also I want kids in the future so coming out as asexual would just overcomplicate stuff and change nothing in my opinion. I don't want my partner to feel like he is pressuring me or anything. He has desires and I understand that.
Sorry its long I just wanted a rant to get everything off my chest and this community seemed very open and accepting<3
https://redd.it/1pf4eyy
@asexualityonreddit
My Sexuality has always been very confusing for me. When I was 17 I remember questioning if I was asexual but I just assumed I must've lost feelings for my boyfriend at the time and that is why I felt like I didn't want to have sex with him anymore. Like a year into our relationship I told him I thought I might be a lesbian because sex with him always felt pretty neutral for me. I stopped feeling the desire to initiate with him and when he initiated it felt like a "chore". We ended up having a very long conversation with lots of tears but ultimately ended up staying together. He told me he was "fine with me hooking up with girls" (I didn't) and begged me to stay with him (the entire relationship was a mess don't judge). After that we both just kind of forgot about the whole me suspecting I'm a lesbian thing
When we broke up I slept with someone new every month but I honestly never enjoyed it. I just assumed I had terrible luck and everyone I slept with was just bad at sex. I was freshly 18 so its not as if the people I was sleeping with had tons of experience and I thought it would get better. I didn't even consider the possibility I might be asexual at the time because 99% of the time I was the one initiating. When I met my current boyfriend, he was a virgin and I was the one that initiated all of our firsts. I just felt indifferent towards sex and it wasn't that big of a deal to me. We have been together for almost 3 years now and he has been an amazing partner. He has been supportive of everything I do and I feel so safe and comfortable with him. I've never been in such a healthy relationship before and this peace has let me really reflect a lot about stuff that has happened to me and also my own toxic behaviours.
We used to have sex multiple times a day some days at the beginning of our relationship but for the past 2 years or so though my desire to have sex has been non-existent. I used to think it was such a big deal and listened to a lot of sex positive podcasts and subreddits to try ways to "re-ignite" the spark. Thinking about it now though, I think I was more worried about him leaving me for not wanting to have sex rather than actually wanting to have sex. He has never once pressured me or did anything to suggest this would be true though. I realise now that the reason I always was the one initiating was because of my own toxic mindset. I felt like I needed to satisfy the other person or they would leave me.
Literally only after looking into this subreddit did I realise that I've never actually felt sexual attraction to another person. I didn't realise most people have the thoughts of "I want to have sex with them" when they see someone attractive. I always thought asexual people just don't like sex and that is all there is to it. Sex with someone that knows your body can physically feel good though and asexual people can have sex. I realise now that every time I initiated was due to anxiety and not because I was horny. I don't think I will ever tell anyone in my life that I am asexual though. In my opinion, my sexuality is no ones concern but mine and my partner's and I have no problem having sex to satisfy my boyfriend also I want kids in the future so coming out as asexual would just overcomplicate stuff and change nothing in my opinion. I don't want my partner to feel like he is pressuring me or anything. He has desires and I understand that.
Sorry its long I just wanted a rant to get everything off my chest and this community seemed very open and accepting<3
https://redd.it/1pf4eyy
@asexualityonreddit
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Am I asexual?
Hey there!
I wonder can someone be asexual in one part of their life due to elevated level of stress/ mental or emotional ilnesses or trauma?
I had one long term relationship long time ago and my sex life was regular. I didn't feel very asexual then, I loved the person so sometimes I even enjoyed sex, but since then lot time has passed.. meanwhile I didn't have any meaningful relationship, just some passing sexual partners when I used to drink alcohol. Also, when I had sex it felt very boring to me, sober, or in altered state of mind. Even if I really liked the person emotionally, sex became boring after only few minutes, let alone few different times. I used to go months, or years without sex and then did it only to not feel something is wrong with me, I forced myself into having sex. But now I got tired even of that. I didn't have sex for a year and, don't really plan to. I still somehow pressure myself I must soon do it, because I feel that something is wrong with me if I don't. Also, usualy once a year I find myself feeling some attraction towards one person and I get all that tension, etc while speaking to them, but mostly they are unavailable for this or that reason. Maybe I subconsciously get physically attracted to person that's unavailable...
Am I asexual, or just very stressed out?
https://redd.it/1pf2ja4
@asexualityonreddit
Hey there!
I wonder can someone be asexual in one part of their life due to elevated level of stress/ mental or emotional ilnesses or trauma?
I had one long term relationship long time ago and my sex life was regular. I didn't feel very asexual then, I loved the person so sometimes I even enjoyed sex, but since then lot time has passed.. meanwhile I didn't have any meaningful relationship, just some passing sexual partners when I used to drink alcohol. Also, when I had sex it felt very boring to me, sober, or in altered state of mind. Even if I really liked the person emotionally, sex became boring after only few minutes, let alone few different times. I used to go months, or years without sex and then did it only to not feel something is wrong with me, I forced myself into having sex. But now I got tired even of that. I didn't have sex for a year and, don't really plan to. I still somehow pressure myself I must soon do it, because I feel that something is wrong with me if I don't. Also, usualy once a year I find myself feeling some attraction towards one person and I get all that tension, etc while speaking to them, but mostly they are unavailable for this or that reason. Maybe I subconsciously get physically attracted to person that's unavailable...
Am I asexual, or just very stressed out?
https://redd.it/1pf2ja4
@asexualityonreddit
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How do you keep intimacy from automatically turning into sex? Looking for real life advice
Hi everyone,
I’m looking for practical advice because I feel like my situation doesn’t really fit the usual “just communicate your boundaries” type of answer. In real life, saying that kind of thing tends to kill the vibe completely.
Here’s the context.
I’m a heterosexual guy who genuinely enjoys physical intimacy, but not penetration. What I like is making out, touching, heavy touching, physical closeness, that level of connection. I don’t want to go further, and I also don’t want to give a whole explanation about my preferences every time I go out with someone.
I’ve had situations that went perfectly without needing to explain anything. For example, once I went out with a girl where, through texting, we both knew things might escalate. But in person she told me she was on her period, and I simply said I don’t like having sex during those days. The night still went great: we made out, touched, had good chemistry, and both left happy. That’s exactly the kind of dynamic I want to recreate.
My dilemma mostly happens with very sought-after girls ,women with several guys interested in them, lots of invitations, lots of options. With girls like that, the social expectation feels heavier. With calmer, more low-key girls everything flows differently; but with the highly pursued ones, it’s like the night already comes “pre-loaded” with the expectation that sex should happen.
That’s where things get tricky.
In certain contexts ,double dates, private gatherings, going back to someone’s apartment after drinks ,the whole environment pushes things toward penetration. And if she starts getting carried away, I know she’ll probably expect things to go further. I don’t want that, but I also don’t want to ruin the energy, give a speech about boundaries, or make it seem like I’m rejecting her.
I want to keep the connection at the level I actually enjoy: fun, intense, physical ,without it naturally escalating.
My ideal situations are things like:
• making out at a party;
• hanging out in a park and getting physical there;
• a movie theater with some making out and touching;
• a car, a late-night walk, etc.
But when the date ends in a private space ,especially with someone who has lots of options ,the whole setting pushes everything toward sex. And that’s the part I have trouble navigating without becoming an “anticlimax.”
So my question is:
How do you keep intimacy at that level without having to explain everything or break the moment?
How do you make sure both people leave satisfied without it having to end in sex?
I’m really looking for real-life experiences, practical strategies, small phrases that help steer the situation, or ways you’ve managed the moment. Thanks in advance.
https://redd.it/1pfayli
@asexualityonreddit
Hi everyone,
I’m looking for practical advice because I feel like my situation doesn’t really fit the usual “just communicate your boundaries” type of answer. In real life, saying that kind of thing tends to kill the vibe completely.
Here’s the context.
I’m a heterosexual guy who genuinely enjoys physical intimacy, but not penetration. What I like is making out, touching, heavy touching, physical closeness, that level of connection. I don’t want to go further, and I also don’t want to give a whole explanation about my preferences every time I go out with someone.
I’ve had situations that went perfectly without needing to explain anything. For example, once I went out with a girl where, through texting, we both knew things might escalate. But in person she told me she was on her period, and I simply said I don’t like having sex during those days. The night still went great: we made out, touched, had good chemistry, and both left happy. That’s exactly the kind of dynamic I want to recreate.
My dilemma mostly happens with very sought-after girls ,women with several guys interested in them, lots of invitations, lots of options. With girls like that, the social expectation feels heavier. With calmer, more low-key girls everything flows differently; but with the highly pursued ones, it’s like the night already comes “pre-loaded” with the expectation that sex should happen.
That’s where things get tricky.
In certain contexts ,double dates, private gatherings, going back to someone’s apartment after drinks ,the whole environment pushes things toward penetration. And if she starts getting carried away, I know she’ll probably expect things to go further. I don’t want that, but I also don’t want to ruin the energy, give a speech about boundaries, or make it seem like I’m rejecting her.
I want to keep the connection at the level I actually enjoy: fun, intense, physical ,without it naturally escalating.
My ideal situations are things like:
• making out at a party;
• hanging out in a park and getting physical there;
• a movie theater with some making out and touching;
• a car, a late-night walk, etc.
But when the date ends in a private space ,especially with someone who has lots of options ,the whole setting pushes everything toward sex. And that’s the part I have trouble navigating without becoming an “anticlimax.”
So my question is:
How do you keep intimacy at that level without having to explain everything or break the moment?
How do you make sure both people leave satisfied without it having to end in sex?
I’m really looking for real-life experiences, practical strategies, small phrases that help steer the situation, or ways you’ve managed the moment. Thanks in advance.
https://redd.it/1pfayli
@asexualityonreddit
Reddit
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