Does anyone else struggle with this?
So I’ve suspected for a while that I’m asexual and aromantic and it seems very likely now that I am. As I said in my first post here I have never cared about romance and sex and the thought of having a crush on someone seems like a huge waste of time to me. However I do sadly get sexual urges every now and then and I just can’t resist the urge to look at porn. Afterwards I feel grossed out and ashamed of myself and swear to never do it again, only to rinse and repeat the next time those urges occur. Exacerbating this is the fact that sex, romance and dating is everywhere in media, which makes me feel like I have to at the very least look at porn to be “normal” in some way, even though I know I’ll just wind up beating myself up mentally afterwards. Does anyone else struggle with this? I’m sorry if I come off as an asshole, I’m genuinely just trying to share my personal experiences
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So I’ve suspected for a while that I’m asexual and aromantic and it seems very likely now that I am. As I said in my first post here I have never cared about romance and sex and the thought of having a crush on someone seems like a huge waste of time to me. However I do sadly get sexual urges every now and then and I just can’t resist the urge to look at porn. Afterwards I feel grossed out and ashamed of myself and swear to never do it again, only to rinse and repeat the next time those urges occur. Exacerbating this is the fact that sex, romance and dating is everywhere in media, which makes me feel like I have to at the very least look at porn to be “normal” in some way, even though I know I’ll just wind up beating myself up mentally afterwards. Does anyone else struggle with this? I’m sorry if I come off as an asshole, I’m genuinely just trying to share my personal experiences
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May be sex repulsed/averse
I thought I (32f) was allo my whole life until this last year. My 20’s to 30’s I was sexually active and most of it was coercive/abusive, so while I’ve never really enjoyed sex or craved it, I thought it was something I needed to do to be in a relationship and that this is what it’s like for women. Idk. Lots of trauma though, regardless. A couple of months ago I took a break from my hyper-sexual allo fiance, got high and realized that I didn’t experience sexual attraction, I honestly had no idea what it was like. So I told him no intercourse, but I could do blow jobs. I thought he was ok with that, but now he’s wanting to know if I’ll have intercourse with him ever. The problem is, I don’t know if I’m sex averse/repulsed in general or just with him. Lately the thought of having intercourse is repulsive to me and I don’t know how to tell him because he said if I say I don’t ever want to have intercourse and won’t go to therapy for it then that means I don’t love him enough to work on it. He has sexual trauma too, I just don’t like feeling like it’s something I need to do for him to stay regulated. It shouldn’t be this way. I just don’t know if it’s trauma or who I am. Any input would be appreciated.
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I thought I (32f) was allo my whole life until this last year. My 20’s to 30’s I was sexually active and most of it was coercive/abusive, so while I’ve never really enjoyed sex or craved it, I thought it was something I needed to do to be in a relationship and that this is what it’s like for women. Idk. Lots of trauma though, regardless. A couple of months ago I took a break from my hyper-sexual allo fiance, got high and realized that I didn’t experience sexual attraction, I honestly had no idea what it was like. So I told him no intercourse, but I could do blow jobs. I thought he was ok with that, but now he’s wanting to know if I’ll have intercourse with him ever. The problem is, I don’t know if I’m sex averse/repulsed in general or just with him. Lately the thought of having intercourse is repulsive to me and I don’t know how to tell him because he said if I say I don’t ever want to have intercourse and won’t go to therapy for it then that means I don’t love him enough to work on it. He has sexual trauma too, I just don’t like feeling like it’s something I need to do for him to stay regulated. It shouldn’t be this way. I just don’t know if it’s trauma or who I am. Any input would be appreciated.
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My stepdad has a question
"If you're in relationship with someone that's asexual what does that make you?" My parental figure asks calmly
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"If you're in relationship with someone that's asexual what does that make you?" My parental figure asks calmly
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I'm so confused on attraction, platonic feelings and more
I think I'm a gray romantic. I get feelings for someone every about 3 years. This leads to me getting confused in this time frame. I start thinking I have a crush on people I would never date. I ask them if they wanna date and they agree then I freak out hating it a day later so I tell them I can't do it. I hurt them by accident but it's always a day to a week all this happens. Then every 3 years I get into a serious relationship. How do I even tell the difference because I mess a bunch up on accident from it sometimes.
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I think I'm a gray romantic. I get feelings for someone every about 3 years. This leads to me getting confused in this time frame. I start thinking I have a crush on people I would never date. I ask them if they wanna date and they agree then I freak out hating it a day later so I tell them I can't do it. I hurt them by accident but it's always a day to a week all this happens. Then every 3 years I get into a serious relationship. How do I even tell the difference because I mess a bunch up on accident from it sometimes.
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My wife 30Enby keeps threatening to divorce me 26F because we don't have sex
My wife (they/them) of three years (partner of almost six), keeps threatening to divorce me every few months. We have recurring arguments about me not meeting their needs, specifically when it comes to sex and affection.
We've never had a super active sex life, except in the very beginning when we were long distance. We did that for two years without seeing eachother (covid times + from different countries), and we both had periods where one of us wanted sex while the other one didn't. For the past few years it's typically been once a month or sometimes not at all.
Two years ago they gave me an ultimatum to either improve our sex life or they would divorce me. I'm on the ace spectrum and don't always have the desire to have sex. It's not impossible for me, but definitely less frequent and I have to be in the right headspace. Things would get better between us for a short period, but I could never consistenly be able to keep up with their requirement which was sex once a week.
We're also both neurodivergent ASD (me, undiagnosed) and ADHD (them, but probably AuDHD). For them, sex is something that helps to regulate their mood and keep them from getting depressed or angry. I know this, but still struggle with the pressure and expectation. For me, it's very easy to not want to have sex if the vibes aren't right, if we've argued recently, if I haven't showered yet, etc.
They want me to be the one to initiate, seduce them, and be passionate. I struggle with this when I'm not in the mood and it's hard to get myself to that level of confidence by myself. They even withheld kisses from me for a time so that I had to be the one to go for it.
Since the first ultimatum, it's been a recurring thing that they will threaten to divorce me, usually in the middle of an argument. It's taken a toll on me emotionally and my self worth has never felt lower. Our arguments tend to last one or two rough days and then they start going back to normal and they don't mention divorce til the next time they get angry because I failed again.
Each argument seems to escalate, one of the recent times they tried to kick me out and said I better come back with a lawyer to sign the papers. They've thrown their ring at me multiple times and are currently refusing to wear it because I've failed as a wife.
They want me to admit that I can't do what they're asking and just be honest with myself. That way we can find a different solution instead of waiting for something that might never happen. I believe that I can do it though, but I've never been able to make it last. Last month we didn't argue and we had sex 4 times, which is a lot more than the normal for us. I really went for it and put in the effort even if I wasn't feeling sexual.
I feel like I don't know where to go from here. We're currently in an argument, they said they were breaking up with me earlier today. But I think they want me to tell them how I'm going to fix this. They're asking for change, but they don't believe in me and always put me down, saying I can't do it, just accept that I can't do it. They want me to prove them wrong. I used to be the type of person that would say "watch me" and would prove anyone wrong. Now, I don't know what to do with my life and how to fix this situation.
They're also poly and are only monogamous to be in this relationship with me. We've gone in circles about opening the relationship, but they did that in their last relationship and that's how it ended. They want me to be the person to fulfill their needs and I want to be that person. I love my wife, but there's a growing divide between us and it seems like all I do is upset them.
Any advice? I feel stuck, emotionally drained, and I'm not sure how it gets better from here. Thanks in advance for any thoughts, I'd really appreciate any insight y'all have.
(Also, this is my first time posting. Hopefully this was coherent enough, I'm not in the best
My wife (they/them) of three years (partner of almost six), keeps threatening to divorce me every few months. We have recurring arguments about me not meeting their needs, specifically when it comes to sex and affection.
We've never had a super active sex life, except in the very beginning when we were long distance. We did that for two years without seeing eachother (covid times + from different countries), and we both had periods where one of us wanted sex while the other one didn't. For the past few years it's typically been once a month or sometimes not at all.
Two years ago they gave me an ultimatum to either improve our sex life or they would divorce me. I'm on the ace spectrum and don't always have the desire to have sex. It's not impossible for me, but definitely less frequent and I have to be in the right headspace. Things would get better between us for a short period, but I could never consistenly be able to keep up with their requirement which was sex once a week.
We're also both neurodivergent ASD (me, undiagnosed) and ADHD (them, but probably AuDHD). For them, sex is something that helps to regulate their mood and keep them from getting depressed or angry. I know this, but still struggle with the pressure and expectation. For me, it's very easy to not want to have sex if the vibes aren't right, if we've argued recently, if I haven't showered yet, etc.
They want me to be the one to initiate, seduce them, and be passionate. I struggle with this when I'm not in the mood and it's hard to get myself to that level of confidence by myself. They even withheld kisses from me for a time so that I had to be the one to go for it.
Since the first ultimatum, it's been a recurring thing that they will threaten to divorce me, usually in the middle of an argument. It's taken a toll on me emotionally and my self worth has never felt lower. Our arguments tend to last one or two rough days and then they start going back to normal and they don't mention divorce til the next time they get angry because I failed again.
Each argument seems to escalate, one of the recent times they tried to kick me out and said I better come back with a lawyer to sign the papers. They've thrown their ring at me multiple times and are currently refusing to wear it because I've failed as a wife.
They want me to admit that I can't do what they're asking and just be honest with myself. That way we can find a different solution instead of waiting for something that might never happen. I believe that I can do it though, but I've never been able to make it last. Last month we didn't argue and we had sex 4 times, which is a lot more than the normal for us. I really went for it and put in the effort even if I wasn't feeling sexual.
I feel like I don't know where to go from here. We're currently in an argument, they said they were breaking up with me earlier today. But I think they want me to tell them how I'm going to fix this. They're asking for change, but they don't believe in me and always put me down, saying I can't do it, just accept that I can't do it. They want me to prove them wrong. I used to be the type of person that would say "watch me" and would prove anyone wrong. Now, I don't know what to do with my life and how to fix this situation.
They're also poly and are only monogamous to be in this relationship with me. We've gone in circles about opening the relationship, but they did that in their last relationship and that's how it ended. They want me to be the person to fulfill their needs and I want to be that person. I love my wife, but there's a growing divide between us and it seems like all I do is upset them.
Any advice? I feel stuck, emotionally drained, and I'm not sure how it gets better from here. Thanks in advance for any thoughts, I'd really appreciate any insight y'all have.
(Also, this is my first time posting. Hopefully this was coherent enough, I'm not in the best
Which form of attraction is most apparent for you? Sensual, aesthetic, or intellectual?
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Invalided by my former therapist, now a therapist myself.
I went to a therapist when I was 21. At the end of the first session, she asked "Anything else you'd like me to know?" And I disclosed that I was questioning whether I was ace. The therapist responded judgmentally "Oh I wouldn't jump to that so fast." Session over. In their defense, diminished interest in sex could be caused by wide array of things. However, it was the first, and I'm ashamed to say, last time I've ever verbalized that to anybody.
I knew nothing about therapy and had no prospects of becoming a therapist at the time. Well now I am a therapist, and know a lot about it. Somewhere during my training I realized how terribly impactful that comment from my former therapist was. I wish I knew then what I know now, but because I saw her as a professional and "expert," I really doubted myself and felt abnormal. I just want to share how sorry I am to anybody whose felt judged and harmed by therapists, and that the power differential in therapy is so real and makes it so much worse.
Fast forward to today, I'm a licensed counselor. One thing bothering me is a takeaway from our human sexuality class in grad school. The gist was typical things like humility, comfort, and nonjudgment, but also the idea that the therapist themself should be resolved, certain, and comfortable in their own sexual identity. Every time that'd come up, I'd think like "Aw shucks I'm not, but whatever, with time it'll resolve itself." Clearly it hasn't. While I do see a different therapist now that I feel safer with, I think sharing here is a needed "first step" for me.
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I went to a therapist when I was 21. At the end of the first session, she asked "Anything else you'd like me to know?" And I disclosed that I was questioning whether I was ace. The therapist responded judgmentally "Oh I wouldn't jump to that so fast." Session over. In their defense, diminished interest in sex could be caused by wide array of things. However, it was the first, and I'm ashamed to say, last time I've ever verbalized that to anybody.
I knew nothing about therapy and had no prospects of becoming a therapist at the time. Well now I am a therapist, and know a lot about it. Somewhere during my training I realized how terribly impactful that comment from my former therapist was. I wish I knew then what I know now, but because I saw her as a professional and "expert," I really doubted myself and felt abnormal. I just want to share how sorry I am to anybody whose felt judged and harmed by therapists, and that the power differential in therapy is so real and makes it so much worse.
Fast forward to today, I'm a licensed counselor. One thing bothering me is a takeaway from our human sexuality class in grad school. The gist was typical things like humility, comfort, and nonjudgment, but also the idea that the therapist themself should be resolved, certain, and comfortable in their own sexual identity. Every time that'd come up, I'd think like "Aw shucks I'm not, but whatever, with time it'll resolve itself." Clearly it hasn't. While I do see a different therapist now that I feel safer with, I think sharing here is a needed "first step" for me.
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Just came out to my mom but she said it's because I'm "sexually immature"
I'm 19 and I just told my mom. She told me that it's because I'm as mature as a 12 year old sexually and she said that I shouldn't put a label on myself that easily (she knows I hate labels)
Now I'm doubting my entire identity and I'm too embarrassed to even look at her :/
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I'm 19 and I just told my mom. She told me that it's because I'm as mature as a 12 year old sexually and she said that I shouldn't put a label on myself that easily (she knows I hate labels)
Now I'm doubting my entire identity and I'm too embarrassed to even look at her :/
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I'm so tired of sex
I'm mostly sex neutral but I do get sex averse sometimes. I'm tired of the constant sexualisation all over the internet and it's just so fucking disgusting to me I'm sorry. I hate the details of how sex works and how u have to be naked and it just looks and feels so terrible. Even while I was drunk outta my mind i hated it :/
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I'm mostly sex neutral but I do get sex averse sometimes. I'm tired of the constant sexualisation all over the internet and it's just so fucking disgusting to me I'm sorry. I hate the details of how sex works and how u have to be naked and it just looks and feels so terrible. Even while I was drunk outta my mind i hated it :/
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Which form of attraction is most apparent for you? Sensual, aesthetic, or intellectual?
...
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...
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I’m 25 and lately I’ve been wondering if I might be asexual. How did you guys figure it out?
I’ve only been in one relationship in my life, and half of it was long-distance. There was never any sexual part to it at all.
I love romance I’m totally fine with intimacy like hugs, kisses, closeness, all of that. But when it comes to actual sexual interest, it’s literally zero. I don’t feel disgusted or anything, I just… don’t care about it. Like it’s not something I seek or think about
Maybe part of it is that I’m trans, and I’ve already decided I don’t want any relationship until I finish my medical transition. But even thinking after that, I’m not sure if this feeling will change. I don’t have fear or trauma around sex, but I also have no desire for it.
I don’t really know how to describe it better has anyone else felt this way?
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I’ve only been in one relationship in my life, and half of it was long-distance. There was never any sexual part to it at all.
I love romance I’m totally fine with intimacy like hugs, kisses, closeness, all of that. But when it comes to actual sexual interest, it’s literally zero. I don’t feel disgusted or anything, I just… don’t care about it. Like it’s not something I seek or think about
Maybe part of it is that I’m trans, and I’ve already decided I don’t want any relationship until I finish my medical transition. But even thinking after that, I’m not sure if this feeling will change. I don’t have fear or trauma around sex, but I also have no desire for it.
I don’t really know how to describe it better has anyone else felt this way?
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Help
Hi. I came out to my parents about being asexual this year. My mom refuses to believe me, saying how can I know when I’ve never had sex. How can I tell her I’d prefer support not nonsense ?
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Hi. I came out to my parents about being asexual this year. My mom refuses to believe me, saying how can I know when I’ve never had sex. How can I tell her I’d prefer support not nonsense ?
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