Biromantic asexual confusion
Just a vent about how being ace makes finding your romantic orientation confusing.
I’m a 40 year-old woman, and I’ve known since my early 20s (when I found myself having some intense feelings for a female roommate) that I’m probably something other than straight. I mostly use the bisexual label nowadays, but I’m pretty sure I’m also somewhere on the ace spectrum.
I’m not sure if there’s a term for this but I feel like I’m some combination of grey ace and demi, because I do experience random sexual attraction to people sometimes but it’s very infrequent, and I find I don’t actually want to act on it physically unless there’s emotional intimacy and deep trust there. I don’t experience attraction to anyone based only on appearance, and things like celebrity crushes have always seemed completely foreign and bizarre to me (which I know is a common ace thing). I haven’t dated much and haven’t had sex in years, but I don’t feel deprived by it at all. I’ve just focused most of my energy on things other than finding a relationship, as it always just felt like something that would be nice to have but not something I necessarily needed.
What’s confusing about this is that it makes me question my romantic orientation too. I’ve only had sex with three people, all cis men. But the anticipation of it was always more exciting than the act itself, which never did that much for me. I have occasionally wondered if maybe I just prefer women, but I can’t say I feel that excited about the idea of sex with a woman either. I find women’s bodies more aesthetically appealing, but I have basically no interest in anyone’s genitals regardless of variety. And since I can’t really do casual sex and don’t want to just use someone, I’ve never had the opportunity to find out from experience if I actually prefer women sexually. So then I wonder, do I actually like women, or do I just like the idea of liking women because my experiences with men have been so disappointing?
To confuse things further, my sexual fantasies are almost exclusively about men, but it’s always some faceless man and almost never a specific real person. I’m also pretty sure I don’t actually want these scenarios to be anything more than fantasies. Even so they make me feel like a fake or an impostor, yet I like the idea of being with a woman romantically.
I recently matched with an ace woman on a dating app, and I realized I feel really comfortable talking to her largely because I know there will be no expectation of things turning immediately sexual. I never even realized before that I had been feeling this pressure and unconsciously putting walls up with allo people on the apps because of it, but chatting with an ace person feels so different and refreshing. I don’t know if it’s going anywhere, because we only just started talking, but it’s making me realize that maybe I’m more ace than I thought. I think I always hesitated to fully embrace the label before because I do sometimes experience sexual attraction, but it’s so complicated.
I’m not really sure why I’m posting this honestly, but I guess I’m just a bit confused and wondering if anyone out there can relate.
https://redd.it/1osrpa3
@asexualityonreddit
Just a vent about how being ace makes finding your romantic orientation confusing.
I’m a 40 year-old woman, and I’ve known since my early 20s (when I found myself having some intense feelings for a female roommate) that I’m probably something other than straight. I mostly use the bisexual label nowadays, but I’m pretty sure I’m also somewhere on the ace spectrum.
I’m not sure if there’s a term for this but I feel like I’m some combination of grey ace and demi, because I do experience random sexual attraction to people sometimes but it’s very infrequent, and I find I don’t actually want to act on it physically unless there’s emotional intimacy and deep trust there. I don’t experience attraction to anyone based only on appearance, and things like celebrity crushes have always seemed completely foreign and bizarre to me (which I know is a common ace thing). I haven’t dated much and haven’t had sex in years, but I don’t feel deprived by it at all. I’ve just focused most of my energy on things other than finding a relationship, as it always just felt like something that would be nice to have but not something I necessarily needed.
What’s confusing about this is that it makes me question my romantic orientation too. I’ve only had sex with three people, all cis men. But the anticipation of it was always more exciting than the act itself, which never did that much for me. I have occasionally wondered if maybe I just prefer women, but I can’t say I feel that excited about the idea of sex with a woman either. I find women’s bodies more aesthetically appealing, but I have basically no interest in anyone’s genitals regardless of variety. And since I can’t really do casual sex and don’t want to just use someone, I’ve never had the opportunity to find out from experience if I actually prefer women sexually. So then I wonder, do I actually like women, or do I just like the idea of liking women because my experiences with men have been so disappointing?
To confuse things further, my sexual fantasies are almost exclusively about men, but it’s always some faceless man and almost never a specific real person. I’m also pretty sure I don’t actually want these scenarios to be anything more than fantasies. Even so they make me feel like a fake or an impostor, yet I like the idea of being with a woman romantically.
I recently matched with an ace woman on a dating app, and I realized I feel really comfortable talking to her largely because I know there will be no expectation of things turning immediately sexual. I never even realized before that I had been feeling this pressure and unconsciously putting walls up with allo people on the apps because of it, but chatting with an ace person feels so different and refreshing. I don’t know if it’s going anywhere, because we only just started talking, but it’s making me realize that maybe I’m more ace than I thought. I think I always hesitated to fully embrace the label before because I do sometimes experience sexual attraction, but it’s so complicated.
I’m not really sure why I’m posting this honestly, but I guess I’m just a bit confused and wondering if anyone out there can relate.
https://redd.it/1osrpa3
@asexualityonreddit
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Uncertain of myself
Ok, where do I start. This might be a little long-winded, so buckle up.
I considered posting this with a throwaway account in case someone irl found my account, but here I am. I’ve been going back and forth about posting this for the past few months.
Ok, so I think I might be asexual. It’s 50/50, I go back and forth about it all the time. I’m 99% sure that I’m aromantic, but I’ll get into that later.
I’ll start by saying, Ive never once experienced any form of romantic attraction in any form. Ever. I am active in the aromantic community and have known the at I am probably aromantic for about 1.25 years. I have never once been interested in being in a romantic relationship; growing up, I dreaded the day when I would first experience romantic attraction, but that day fortunately never came. I’m not sure whether I’m asexual, though; that’s what this post is about.
Ok, I really don’t feel comfortable talking about this, even to a bunch of strangers on the internet who I’ll (probably) never meet in real life (hopefully not, that would be a little concerning if I did). Mods, I don’t know if this requires an NSFW tag, but if it does, feel free to add one.
Ok, I’ll just get right into it. When I was a pre-teenager, I saw renaissance-era paintings of naked people of the opposite sex and liked the image of them, although I wasn’t “attracted” to them per se. When I was 14, I accidentally discovered masturbation, and I continued to do this over the next few years until I became addicted to it. (I have since recovered from this addiction, although I still occasionally do it from time to time. However, I never looked at any pornography, real or fictional, while I was doing it. I sometimes thought of the images I had seen while I did it, and later on I thought of other people doing you know what while I masturbated, and in the rare instances where it was me I was thinking of doing you know what while masturbating, it was always with a faceless person, never anyone I actually knew.
Anyways, despite this, I never actually became attracted to anyone, online or in person. However, near the end of my senior year in high school, I saw someone who I legitimately thought to be pretty, the first time I had ever thought that about someone. It was a person of the opposite sex. However, this didn’t come with any uncomfortableness around the person or any desire to be with them. It went away after a few weeks. I was scared that I actually wasn’t aroace, although I now think this may be linked to my repulsion to romance. A few months ago, I saw a person of the same sex who I thought to be aesthetically attractive; it was a similar feeling to the one I got in high school, so I came the the conclusion that I am simply aegosexual.
However, I have doubts. Is my lack of sexual attraction to people linked to the fact that I only ever looked at fictional, idealized images of people? If so, is my aromanticism because of that as well? I really hope not on this point, but I’m 99% sure that this isn’t linked.
This post is just a combination of needing to get this off my chest and being so uncertain about myself, which is not a feeling I particularly like. I realize this would be more appropriate on r/TooAfraidToAskLGBT, but I want opinions from people who are exclusively experienced in this field, and anyways that sub isn’t quite as active.
https://redd.it/1osw52b
@asexualityonreddit
Ok, where do I start. This might be a little long-winded, so buckle up.
I considered posting this with a throwaway account in case someone irl found my account, but here I am. I’ve been going back and forth about posting this for the past few months.
Ok, so I think I might be asexual. It’s 50/50, I go back and forth about it all the time. I’m 99% sure that I’m aromantic, but I’ll get into that later.
I’ll start by saying, Ive never once experienced any form of romantic attraction in any form. Ever. I am active in the aromantic community and have known the at I am probably aromantic for about 1.25 years. I have never once been interested in being in a romantic relationship; growing up, I dreaded the day when I would first experience romantic attraction, but that day fortunately never came. I’m not sure whether I’m asexual, though; that’s what this post is about.
Ok, I really don’t feel comfortable talking about this, even to a bunch of strangers on the internet who I’ll (probably) never meet in real life (hopefully not, that would be a little concerning if I did). Mods, I don’t know if this requires an NSFW tag, but if it does, feel free to add one.
Ok, I’ll just get right into it. When I was a pre-teenager, I saw renaissance-era paintings of naked people of the opposite sex and liked the image of them, although I wasn’t “attracted” to them per se. When I was 14, I accidentally discovered masturbation, and I continued to do this over the next few years until I became addicted to it. (I have since recovered from this addiction, although I still occasionally do it from time to time. However, I never looked at any pornography, real or fictional, while I was doing it. I sometimes thought of the images I had seen while I did it, and later on I thought of other people doing you know what while I masturbated, and in the rare instances where it was me I was thinking of doing you know what while masturbating, it was always with a faceless person, never anyone I actually knew.
Anyways, despite this, I never actually became attracted to anyone, online or in person. However, near the end of my senior year in high school, I saw someone who I legitimately thought to be pretty, the first time I had ever thought that about someone. It was a person of the opposite sex. However, this didn’t come with any uncomfortableness around the person or any desire to be with them. It went away after a few weeks. I was scared that I actually wasn’t aroace, although I now think this may be linked to my repulsion to romance. A few months ago, I saw a person of the same sex who I thought to be aesthetically attractive; it was a similar feeling to the one I got in high school, so I came the the conclusion that I am simply aegosexual.
However, I have doubts. Is my lack of sexual attraction to people linked to the fact that I only ever looked at fictional, idealized images of people? If so, is my aromanticism because of that as well? I really hope not on this point, but I’m 99% sure that this isn’t linked.
This post is just a combination of needing to get this off my chest and being so uncertain about myself, which is not a feeling I particularly like. I realize this would be more appropriate on r/TooAfraidToAskLGBT, but I want opinions from people who are exclusively experienced in this field, and anyways that sub isn’t quite as active.
https://redd.it/1osw52b
@asexualityonreddit
Reddit
From the Asexual community on Reddit
Explore this post and more from the Asexual community