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we fucked! Yippee! And it was great oh my god dude. And still, I didn't feel attraction, yet I really liked my time with him. So we plan to meet up again 3 days after

Oh, another... relevant detail. I hadn't thought to ask how old he was, but I assumed he was around 30. Kindof old for me, but idk he's hot and cool so it's not the biggest deal. So we have our pants off, but underwear still on, and he's giving me a shoulder massage (ugh btw he massaged out my wholeee body, not in a sexual way, I have disabilities and my muscles are FUCKED UP and he's really good at massages so he helped work out my many many knots), so I asked how old he was. HES 40! Ahaaaa I uh then tell him I'm 23. He kindof froze up, he thought I was older than that, like late 20s. After a second he's like "are you... okay with this much difference?" And I hesitated, he again says "are you... comfortable with this?" And I was like... I think so. I thought for another second while he worked on my shoulders (being noticeably careful to give me time to think), I eventually told him yes im okay with this. I never thought I'd be with somebody so far from my age, but he seems like a good person and I'd like to continue. He was just an absolute consent king through everything

Anyway, were gonna meet again soon. I found myself getting like really excited to see him again? I can't tell whether I'm just really excited to talk and hang out, if I'm just horny, both? Or is this what attraction feels like? No matter what it is, I can't wait to see him again.

So last night I went and saw him again. I showed him my good books, and my video games, he showed me his video games. He fed me :) he remembered my allergies, gave me fruit, some pastry, and made me beef and rice. I connected these dots later, but he rarely eats meat, hes a total sweets and fruit and veggies person, but I told him I eat a lot of meat. I think he went out of his way for the food he chose, more than he showed, he was being really humble. And after hanging out we had sex again! Really good sex. For hours. He paid me so much attention, did things I had no clue I liked but I really really do. Shit was transcendent

Now I can't stop thinking about him. I didn't feel this before we had sex, like at all, it was absent. But now I think about him and I get horny. THATS ATTRACTION, RIGHT?? It's kindof breaking my perception of myself, I'm pretty certain also I never would've felt this if we hadn't had sex

It feels so strange also because me, this queer little genderfluid (mildly relevant - I've been transmasc and very "man" for a couple years, but I've been in an extremely feminine swing recently), all my friends are girls and gays, the things we say to eachother would be considered hate crimes, IM QUEER, IM GAY, IM!!! with this 40 YEAR OLD STRAIGHT MAN??? It's just so strange. I'd never imagine myself with a man at all, even though I know it's possible, but 40 and straight?!?! Like maybe if I was with a man he'd be atleast bi, and 27 at the oldest. But despite everything, it's him. What the hell? That HAS to be attraction right?? I feel it might not be, maybe I'm just horny and he's just really good at what he does (he is oh my god he is). I feel I need to experiment with more people, maybe I'll feel the same if we get along and the sex is good. Maybe that's all attraction is? If it's not, then maybe that's just all I need. I just don't know. But I don't think I can call myself ace anymore until I figure it out

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