No one cares about maintaining friendships
This might be more of an aroace issue, but as someone who needs to have a couple of friends around to feel like a human being, I'm so fucking tired of people who don't want to put in the effort. I feel like a lot of allo people don't view friendships as relationships, or if they do, they view them as something lesser. Like, bitch, you still have to text back. You have to schedule time to hang out and maybe get each other little gifts all the same.
I have gotten coffee with so many people. I have joined interest groups (and quickly exited them because ✨some men love being creeps✨), and sat there just hoping for a text back. Whenever I try to throw some kind of house party or do any kind of event, half the people flake. This shit makes me want to stay home and self-isolate so bad even though I know that's a terrible idea. Sometimes it just feels like I can't even go anywhere because I'm not coupled up. Traveling outside my city just isn't feasible for me because it's expensive solo and not exactly safe.
Even the people who do seem to want to put in the effort usually stop when they get into relationships. It's like, cool, I'm happy for you and all, but damn. It sucks to know that something so important to me is the last priority for literally everyone else. I don't even have the fall back of being friends with my exes like a lot of the queer people I know seem do. I literally don't understand how I'm supposed to find friends, let alone any kind of QPR, under these conditions.
My quest for friendship did let me join a knitting club that was mostly just old ladies for a bit though (listen, I was just hoping I could meet other queer girls who like yarn, idk), 10/10. Felt slightly less insane and got decades of concentrated gossip.
https://redd.it/1mqa5w9
@asexualityonreddit
This might be more of an aroace issue, but as someone who needs to have a couple of friends around to feel like a human being, I'm so fucking tired of people who don't want to put in the effort. I feel like a lot of allo people don't view friendships as relationships, or if they do, they view them as something lesser. Like, bitch, you still have to text back. You have to schedule time to hang out and maybe get each other little gifts all the same.
I have gotten coffee with so many people. I have joined interest groups (and quickly exited them because ✨some men love being creeps✨), and sat there just hoping for a text back. Whenever I try to throw some kind of house party or do any kind of event, half the people flake. This shit makes me want to stay home and self-isolate so bad even though I know that's a terrible idea. Sometimes it just feels like I can't even go anywhere because I'm not coupled up. Traveling outside my city just isn't feasible for me because it's expensive solo and not exactly safe.
Even the people who do seem to want to put in the effort usually stop when they get into relationships. It's like, cool, I'm happy for you and all, but damn. It sucks to know that something so important to me is the last priority for literally everyone else. I don't even have the fall back of being friends with my exes like a lot of the queer people I know seem do. I literally don't understand how I'm supposed to find friends, let alone any kind of QPR, under these conditions.
My quest for friendship did let me join a knitting club that was mostly just old ladies for a bit though (listen, I was just hoping I could meet other queer girls who like yarn, idk), 10/10. Felt slightly less insane and got decades of concentrated gossip.
https://redd.it/1mqa5w9
@asexualityonreddit
Reddit
From the asexuality community on Reddit
Explore this post and more from the asexuality community
How do I tell if it's genophobia or asexuality
Ever since I heard about the concept of sex I thought of it as gross and I would even have intense nightmares about sex and "sexy" things as a preteen. My parents told me it would most likely change with time but boy were they wrong! Once I got to high school my friend group thought I was weird for not wanting to be sexually active like the "cool kids" and making excuses not to hit on that hot girl in my class (they pressured me into making a move so I fumbled on purpose). As a teen I heard of other like-minded people on the internet (Asexuals!) but just recently I've also heard that fear of sex is also classified as genophobia, which google says is a problem that needs to be treated, but idk what the qualifications are for both. I know I'm afraid of sex but I didn't know it wasn't normal to be that way.
https://redd.it/1mqdq4o
@asexualityonreddit
Ever since I heard about the concept of sex I thought of it as gross and I would even have intense nightmares about sex and "sexy" things as a preteen. My parents told me it would most likely change with time but boy were they wrong! Once I got to high school my friend group thought I was weird for not wanting to be sexually active like the "cool kids" and making excuses not to hit on that hot girl in my class (they pressured me into making a move so I fumbled on purpose). As a teen I heard of other like-minded people on the internet (Asexuals!) but just recently I've also heard that fear of sex is also classified as genophobia, which google says is a problem that needs to be treated, but idk what the qualifications are for both. I know I'm afraid of sex but I didn't know it wasn't normal to be that way.
https://redd.it/1mqdq4o
@asexualityonreddit
Reddit
From the asexuality community on Reddit
Explore this post and more from the asexuality community
Do any of you read spicy content?
Just curious what people have to say. I (27, afab nonbinary) was always drawn to written media. When I was a teen, I never really liked people, I just got lost on Ao3 or similar pages. It was mostly fanfic of franchises I enjoyed, and I always knew it’s just fiction, read and carried on with my day.
Back then, ofc I gatekept that, well who should I have told anyways? By now, I kinda grew out of that, but it‘s still my favourite kind of media if I ever feel like I want to dip my toes in the still waters of what I suspect to be Demi/Aegosexuality.
https://redd.it/1mq6j60
@asexualityonreddit
Just curious what people have to say. I (27, afab nonbinary) was always drawn to written media. When I was a teen, I never really liked people, I just got lost on Ao3 or similar pages. It was mostly fanfic of franchises I enjoyed, and I always knew it’s just fiction, read and carried on with my day.
Back then, ofc I gatekept that, well who should I have told anyways? By now, I kinda grew out of that, but it‘s still my favourite kind of media if I ever feel like I want to dip my toes in the still waters of what I suspect to be Demi/Aegosexuality.
https://redd.it/1mq6j60
@asexualityonreddit
Reddit
From the asexuality community on Reddit
Explore this post and more from the asexuality community
Hello can anyone answer this cause I'm so confused...
Before I start, I'm not trying to offend anyone, I'm just confused about stuff. I'm a straight girl, even though I have friends convinced otherwise, and I've been in a relationship for a little bit now. But I don't really feel anything for him romantically. Like, I don't really like hugs and kisses and such (we aren't going any further than that at the moment). I thought I really liked him, and I definitely don't want to upset or hurt him in anyway. I like the idea of relationships and that kind of thing, I used to want a relationship and before we got together I liked the idea of being with him. I like the concept in theory, but I don't think I really like it now. I did some googling and found out I might be cupioromatic (I think I spelled it right, and that's just what Google says, idk). If anyone is please don't be offended by my lack of knowledge, I might be overreacting, but could anyone tell me if that's what's going on or if it could be something else, or fall under a different name? (Also this is my first time using this website, idk really how it works.)
https://redd.it/1mqombo
@asexualityonreddit
Before I start, I'm not trying to offend anyone, I'm just confused about stuff. I'm a straight girl, even though I have friends convinced otherwise, and I've been in a relationship for a little bit now. But I don't really feel anything for him romantically. Like, I don't really like hugs and kisses and such (we aren't going any further than that at the moment). I thought I really liked him, and I definitely don't want to upset or hurt him in anyway. I like the idea of relationships and that kind of thing, I used to want a relationship and before we got together I liked the idea of being with him. I like the concept in theory, but I don't think I really like it now. I did some googling and found out I might be cupioromatic (I think I spelled it right, and that's just what Google says, idk). If anyone is please don't be offended by my lack of knowledge, I might be overreacting, but could anyone tell me if that's what's going on or if it could be something else, or fall under a different name? (Also this is my first time using this website, idk really how it works.)
https://redd.it/1mqombo
@asexualityonreddit
Reddit
From the Aromanticism community on Reddit
Explore this post and more from the Aromanticism community
Am I wrong for what I said to a close friend?
I am aroace (F30). I have a friend (M30) that I've known for years. We've grown very close (platonically). We're both single, and up until recently, were each other's go-to person. We have fun together and share almost everything.
He's going through a life change and has recently taken a romantic interest in someone from his friend group (F29). I'm happy for him, as it's been a while since he dated and he's been expressing interest in trying to find someone special. He hasn't asked her out or let her know that he's interested, but he's reading into their texts and is very eager to shoot his shot.
For weeks, things have been shifting. He's been going out more and more with his other friend group that includes the crush (not friends we have in common) and has been taking every opportunity to be near the girl he likes. The mundane things we used to do together are now solo adventures for me, and things he does with the crush. He takes every opportunity to spend time with her, wants to invite her to all his outings and activities, and works her into every conversation we have.
I don't begrudge him this. I'm not angry with him, I don't judge him, and I don't think he's wrong for wanting romance (he's definitely not asexual). He's a grown man, he can do what he wants, and he should do what makes him happy. I, however, have been setting boundaries for myself - I'm happy he's found someone that he likes, but the other group aren't my friends and I'm not interested in trying to become one of the gang. We are different people with vastly different interests, and while we're all friendly, I have no interest in becoming close friends. I don't want to hang out with my friend and his crush, as it's awkward and uncomfortable. We've tried it. When they're together, my friend only has eyes for her and I end up trailing behind, feeling like an afterthought.
The issue between my friend and I came up when he asked me why I was in a bad mood and why I was mad at him (I wasn't). I asked for clarification and he says I've been quieter than usual, not as warm or cheerful, and seem put off by his interest in his crush.
I explained to him that I am not angry with him or any of his friends, and I have no strong feelings towards the girl he's crushing on. She's sweet, kind, and treats him well. I'm working through what feels like the uniquely ace/aro experience of being sidelined when new romantic love and interest trumps any and all platonic bonds between good friends. He asked me how it's any different for non-acespec people with newly partnered friends and while I can't speak for everyone, I tried to explain my experience. I said that for me, my platonic relationships are the most intense and meaningful in my life, as I will never be in a romantic relationship or pursue a romantic partner. This is not to say that I think of my friends romantically (a common misconception I get when trying to explain this), but rather that my closest, dearest friends end up being my top priority, and that this fact can hurt when I'm reminded that it doesn't go both ways, and likely never will (unless I find a good acespec friend).
It turned into a bit of an argument, with him accusing me of being jealous and unreasonable. I told him point blank that I'm not jealous, I'm aligning myself with the new version of him that he's building. He reminded me that we've always been each other's number one, and he doesn't understand what's changed. I told him that I'm always prepared to put him first if he can do the same for me. He's moving on with other friendships and a potential relationship, as is his right, but that doesn't mean I'm going to give my all to someone who can only give me half. I said I haven't changed, he has, and that I'm still right where I was before he decided to take a step away. He's entitled to move through life however he chooses, but he can't demand I follow along behind him like a perpetual third wheel.
He didn't like this explanation and told me I was being petty and unsupportive. I
I am aroace (F30). I have a friend (M30) that I've known for years. We've grown very close (platonically). We're both single, and up until recently, were each other's go-to person. We have fun together and share almost everything.
He's going through a life change and has recently taken a romantic interest in someone from his friend group (F29). I'm happy for him, as it's been a while since he dated and he's been expressing interest in trying to find someone special. He hasn't asked her out or let her know that he's interested, but he's reading into their texts and is very eager to shoot his shot.
For weeks, things have been shifting. He's been going out more and more with his other friend group that includes the crush (not friends we have in common) and has been taking every opportunity to be near the girl he likes. The mundane things we used to do together are now solo adventures for me, and things he does with the crush. He takes every opportunity to spend time with her, wants to invite her to all his outings and activities, and works her into every conversation we have.
I don't begrudge him this. I'm not angry with him, I don't judge him, and I don't think he's wrong for wanting romance (he's definitely not asexual). He's a grown man, he can do what he wants, and he should do what makes him happy. I, however, have been setting boundaries for myself - I'm happy he's found someone that he likes, but the other group aren't my friends and I'm not interested in trying to become one of the gang. We are different people with vastly different interests, and while we're all friendly, I have no interest in becoming close friends. I don't want to hang out with my friend and his crush, as it's awkward and uncomfortable. We've tried it. When they're together, my friend only has eyes for her and I end up trailing behind, feeling like an afterthought.
The issue between my friend and I came up when he asked me why I was in a bad mood and why I was mad at him (I wasn't). I asked for clarification and he says I've been quieter than usual, not as warm or cheerful, and seem put off by his interest in his crush.
I explained to him that I am not angry with him or any of his friends, and I have no strong feelings towards the girl he's crushing on. She's sweet, kind, and treats him well. I'm working through what feels like the uniquely ace/aro experience of being sidelined when new romantic love and interest trumps any and all platonic bonds between good friends. He asked me how it's any different for non-acespec people with newly partnered friends and while I can't speak for everyone, I tried to explain my experience. I said that for me, my platonic relationships are the most intense and meaningful in my life, as I will never be in a romantic relationship or pursue a romantic partner. This is not to say that I think of my friends romantically (a common misconception I get when trying to explain this), but rather that my closest, dearest friends end up being my top priority, and that this fact can hurt when I'm reminded that it doesn't go both ways, and likely never will (unless I find a good acespec friend).
It turned into a bit of an argument, with him accusing me of being jealous and unreasonable. I told him point blank that I'm not jealous, I'm aligning myself with the new version of him that he's building. He reminded me that we've always been each other's number one, and he doesn't understand what's changed. I told him that I'm always prepared to put him first if he can do the same for me. He's moving on with other friendships and a potential relationship, as is his right, but that doesn't mean I'm going to give my all to someone who can only give me half. I said I haven't changed, he has, and that I'm still right where I was before he decided to take a step away. He's entitled to move through life however he chooses, but he can't demand I follow along behind him like a perpetual third wheel.
He didn't like this explanation and told me I was being petty and unsupportive. I
tried explaining how the (very common) way allosexuals prioritize their romantic pursuits over platonic friendships sucks for people who are ace/aro like me, who end up investing more in their friends that their friends invest in them. I was honest and frank when I told him how much it hurts to be sidelined when romance comes along, no matter how normal it may be. I told him he's not wrong for feeling and behaving how he does, but that it's not fair to expect me to continue as normal when he's moving on to newer things.
I reiterated that as far as I'm concerned we're still friends, I still care for and about him, I want the best for him, but that I'm struggling with always feeling like the transient friend. I feel like I move through life so differently from others and I get left behind when something better comes along. I'll never reach the same milestones as him - I'll never be married, or partnered, or spend my life with that one special someone, because as much as I want to, I can't make myself feel those feelings for someone else. It's inevitable that allosexual friends move on in life and seek those things, but it sucks to feel like someone else's placeholder until they're ready to find their person.
Never being anyone's priority sucks, and it makes me feel disposable and temporary, so when I feel it happening, I set boundaries to protect myself and give myself space to work through my own shit. He's upset and thinks I'm unsupportive.
Sorry for the long ramble. I hope it makes some sense to others around here.
Am I wrong for what I said or did? I'm hurt that he's hurt, but at the same time I can't keep relying on/giving my all to someone who is moving beyond our friendship.
https://redd.it/1mqn1wv
@asexualityonreddit
I reiterated that as far as I'm concerned we're still friends, I still care for and about him, I want the best for him, but that I'm struggling with always feeling like the transient friend. I feel like I move through life so differently from others and I get left behind when something better comes along. I'll never reach the same milestones as him - I'll never be married, or partnered, or spend my life with that one special someone, because as much as I want to, I can't make myself feel those feelings for someone else. It's inevitable that allosexual friends move on in life and seek those things, but it sucks to feel like someone else's placeholder until they're ready to find their person.
Never being anyone's priority sucks, and it makes me feel disposable and temporary, so when I feel it happening, I set boundaries to protect myself and give myself space to work through my own shit. He's upset and thinks I'm unsupportive.
Sorry for the long ramble. I hope it makes some sense to others around here.
Am I wrong for what I said or did? I'm hurt that he's hurt, but at the same time I can't keep relying on/giving my all to someone who is moving beyond our friendship.
https://redd.it/1mqn1wv
@asexualityonreddit
Reddit
From the asexuality community on Reddit
Explore this post and more from the asexuality community
Allo partner asked me to initiate sex more often
Hello! I am a sex-neutral ace in a relationship with an allosexual partner. We've both had a sexually abusive past. However, sex is rather complicated for the both of us. They are hypersexual and I practically never initiate. I do want to mention that we really really really honour our "No"s. At no point if I'm not up for it, or if they are not up for it, do we ever push each other.
I do understand that being with me can be sexually not satisfying, and in some ways limiting as to what I can or can't do.
We recently had a conversation where they asked me to initiate more, and that they would like to seek sex outside our relationship. I have no jealousy as long as their hookups are purely sexual and hence I'm open to that idea.
I told them I am fine with them initiating, and if it's too much for me on that day, I can always let them know that I'm not up for it, as we have done so far. They said that they feel like they are only ones initiating and that's not a great feeling, hence it would be nice if I could initiate too. At that point in time, I said okay I can try that; however I'm feeling unsure now, because i literally never want sex. If I can avoid it, I will avoid it. But if they are willing to initiate, I'm happy to play along and indulge in it as an act of service.
I'm not sure if I'm wrong in feeling this. And I'm not sure how to navigate this conversation. I didn't like it that they asked me to initiate more. Idk, I'm ace? I don't want sex? Should it not be bare minimum to not ask me this? Or am I just being a prick and not understanding their side, because I do get it that if they are the only ones initiating it can feel like they are not wanted (but they really are not wanted, sexually ;;).
https://redd.it/1mr2zxb
@asexualityonreddit
Hello! I am a sex-neutral ace in a relationship with an allosexual partner. We've both had a sexually abusive past. However, sex is rather complicated for the both of us. They are hypersexual and I practically never initiate. I do want to mention that we really really really honour our "No"s. At no point if I'm not up for it, or if they are not up for it, do we ever push each other.
I do understand that being with me can be sexually not satisfying, and in some ways limiting as to what I can or can't do.
We recently had a conversation where they asked me to initiate more, and that they would like to seek sex outside our relationship. I have no jealousy as long as their hookups are purely sexual and hence I'm open to that idea.
I told them I am fine with them initiating, and if it's too much for me on that day, I can always let them know that I'm not up for it, as we have done so far. They said that they feel like they are only ones initiating and that's not a great feeling, hence it would be nice if I could initiate too. At that point in time, I said okay I can try that; however I'm feeling unsure now, because i literally never want sex. If I can avoid it, I will avoid it. But if they are willing to initiate, I'm happy to play along and indulge in it as an act of service.
I'm not sure if I'm wrong in feeling this. And I'm not sure how to navigate this conversation. I didn't like it that they asked me to initiate more. Idk, I'm ace? I don't want sex? Should it not be bare minimum to not ask me this? Or am I just being a prick and not understanding their side, because I do get it that if they are the only ones initiating it can feel like they are not wanted (but they really are not wanted, sexually ;;).
https://redd.it/1mr2zxb
@asexualityonreddit
Reddit
From the asexuality community on Reddit
Explore this post and more from the asexuality community
Bf is asexual and so am I!
Just wanted to share this wonderful moment with you all.
A few days ago my boyfriend sat me down, said he had something important to tell me. He had a whole cute speech prepared about how he found out he was asexual, and how he hoped this wouldn’t change things between us and he understood if I wanted kids someday then maybe he’d be willing to try, and I stopped him right there. I was smiling ridiculously at that point which I’m sure was confusing for him. I told him I don't want to have s3x, ever.
I just can’t believe how lucky we both got.
https://redd.it/1mr47aw
@asexualityonreddit
Just wanted to share this wonderful moment with you all.
A few days ago my boyfriend sat me down, said he had something important to tell me. He had a whole cute speech prepared about how he found out he was asexual, and how he hoped this wouldn’t change things between us and he understood if I wanted kids someday then maybe he’d be willing to try, and I stopped him right there. I was smiling ridiculously at that point which I’m sure was confusing for him. I told him I don't want to have s3x, ever.
I just can’t believe how lucky we both got.
https://redd.it/1mr47aw
@asexualityonreddit
Reddit
From the asexuality community on Reddit
Explore this post and more from the asexuality community
My boyfriend wants sex more often and I can't give it to him
Hello, I am new here and I would like you to help me inform myself more about what is happening to me, what I have been informing myself about and what is closest to what I feel is a gray asexuality.
I am 27 years old and whenever I have had a partner I have felt that sex is not necessary in the relationship, I feel happy only with the romantic connection, on very rare occasions to be honest 1 or 2 times a month I feel like having sex. This has always brought me problems with my partners, because of course they want to have sex every day. There was a moment where I thought it might be that I wouldn't like men and I decided to try a woman and I still didn't feel sexual attraction.
My current partner, so to speak, is too hot and no matter how much I would like to, I cannot respond to him in the same way.
This is causing me problems because I love him and want to have a family with him, but he doesn't understand how I never have desires and he has even asked me if I feel disgust for him and I don't, I just can't find a way to explain to him what I have always felt and for him to understand me.
https://redd.it/1mr4gdd
@asexualityonreddit
Hello, I am new here and I would like you to help me inform myself more about what is happening to me, what I have been informing myself about and what is closest to what I feel is a gray asexuality.
I am 27 years old and whenever I have had a partner I have felt that sex is not necessary in the relationship, I feel happy only with the romantic connection, on very rare occasions to be honest 1 or 2 times a month I feel like having sex. This has always brought me problems with my partners, because of course they want to have sex every day. There was a moment where I thought it might be that I wouldn't like men and I decided to try a woman and I still didn't feel sexual attraction.
My current partner, so to speak, is too hot and no matter how much I would like to, I cannot respond to him in the same way.
This is causing me problems because I love him and want to have a family with him, but he doesn't understand how I never have desires and he has even asked me if I feel disgust for him and I don't, I just can't find a way to explain to him what I have always felt and for him to understand me.
https://redd.it/1mr4gdd
@asexualityonreddit
Reddit
From the Asexual community on Reddit
Explore this post and more from the Asexual community