Not sure what I am.

Hello! I figured I would ask around in this subreddit to get an answer over something.

I have never considered myself to be asexual and I still don't think I am, but lately I feel like I fall under some kind of related or blanket term to it.

In short, I don't feel arousal. I never get "turned on" or horny or anything like that no matter what happens with me. Doesn't matter if it's with someone I don't know, or someone I'm intensely close with... it's just something I don't ever feel.

Despite this, I don't mind sexual acts. I actually lean heavily into them but it's more because I find it fun and amusing over it being for any sexual pleasure. I could care less about being pleasured, I just enjoy seeing how my partner reacts to what I do. I do get a little bored if things take too long but, still.

I write smut as a hobby and as a freelance way to make money, I enjoy writing it, I like learning more about that stuff. I also still feel sexual attraction but... I don't get aroused if I feel it. It's more of a "Oh they're pretty hot" and not a "Oh I want to have sex with them" kind of thing.

In the committed relationship I am in, while I do indulge my partner in his desires, I ultimately just want to be his biggest supporter. I love spending time with him normally and the idea of sex or whatever never once enters my mind during any of it... and if I do tease him, it's because I like how he reacts and little else.

So I'm just confused. I wouldn't want to give up the sexual stuff I do involve myself with, whether it be the smut I write or the stuff I do with my partner or even the artwork I look at from time to time.

And yet in none of those things do I feel aroused. Even for the artwork I just think it looks nice and nothing beyond that. Even for my partner it's for his enjoyment... and mine too, but mine just comes from the fact he is enjoying it.

So... what am I? I don't think I'm asexual given the other stuff but, I just wanna know if there is even a label for this stuff.

https://redd.it/1moseue
@asexualityonreddit

I've got my flag!
https://redd.it/1moqmz4
@asexualityonreddit

Im not sure exactly what to do here...

Hi! Ive never really posted before so hello but umm yeah. Some background info on me: im a massive people pleaser and have a rough time sticking up for myself and what i need/ defining my boundaries and yeah... But I think I've come to the conclusion that I'm some variation of ace and thats really great and all but I feel like theres no way i can maintain a romantic relationship with any non ace person??? I mean im currently in a relationship and of course hes lovely and so understanding but i still feel this looming weight of ‘well its bound to come up/happen at some point’ I just know sex is not something that I need as a person and thinking about it makes me want to claw my skin off :D but for him its just normal???? I feel like at some point hes going to realize theres someone in the world who would just give that to him but I don't think it can be me and even though I have zero indication of him being any level of upset or frustrated at all with me because of this (hes been very sweet and supportive and honestly perfect but oh well) i cant stop thinking about it and I feel like im going to end up sabatoging a relationship that I absolutely want to keep because on some level I think I feel defective?
Anyways thank you for listening to my slight rant, I think I just needed to say something at all instead of stewing over it again😅

https://redd.it/1moxgpg
@asexualityonreddit

Maybe you just haven't met the right parent yet?
https://redd.it/1moxir0
@asexualityonreddit

Maybe you just haven't met the right parent yet?
https://redd.it/1mp1gqh
@asexualityonreddit

Do you guys have any hobbies?

37 F here from the US - discovered I was asexual about 10 years ago.

Just curious: how do you guys spend your free time, if you have any?

For me, I enjoy going to the gym, hiking, trying new recipes, and leather restoration.

What about you guys?

https://redd.it/1mp4uz3
@asexualityonreddit

Trying to feel validated

I know its normal to be this but somehow i still feel alien to others and then to myself. Ik i should love myself and all but i wonder what it must be to be so into the other person that i would want to put my face anywhere near them in an intimate way lol. Idk just a rant

https://redd.it/1mp65hx
@asexualityonreddit

Whats the difference between sexual and sensual attraction?

Hello friends!

I (35M) am beginning to think Im ace (heteroromantic sex-repulsed, I guess...? still figuring out). Id like to thank you all for this space and for spreading awareness. Im considering debating this with my therapist in the near future (she already suspects Im a closeted gay because I never mention a girlfriend).

I read the FAQ, the wiki index, and the "questioning" pages, and found them super useful. I have a question, tho.

Could you folks please elaborate on the difference between "sexual attraction" and "sensual attraction"? It is not very clear to me.

Thanks again!

https://redd.it/1mp81hd
@asexualityonreddit

Got an Ace ring!
https://redd.it/1mpay9g
@asexualityonreddit

Sides are ace spec change my mind
https://redd.it/1mpdeks
@asexualityonreddit

Is this a crime, it's meant to be garlic bread (not burnt by me)
https://redd.it/1mpe7kr
@asexualityonreddit

Relatable..
https://redd.it/1mpeuck
@asexualityonreddit

Are You Aro (Advice)?

**Hi everyone!**



Welcome to our weekly Advice post about Aromanticism! Aromantic people experience little to no romantic attraction.



**Do any of these resonate with you?**

\* You rarely (if ever) experience crushes on others.

\* You find the idea of a romantic relationship unappealing, and prefer strong platonic bonds.

\* You've been in romantic relationships but felt like you were going through the motions.

\* You've researched what crushes are "supposed" to feel like, but can't relate.



These are just a few signs you might be Aromantic. Aromanticism is a spectrum, and every person's experience is unique.



\*\*Have questions about aromanticism or your own identity?\*\* Ask away in the comments below, and we'll and your fellow Aro’s will do the best to help!

* [**More signs that you are Aro**](https://aromanticguide.com/am-i-aro)

* [**Honeymoon Phase**](https://health.clevelandclinic.org/what-is-the-honeymoon-phase)

* [**Types of attraction (might be incomplete)**](https://types-of-attraction.carrd.co/)

https://redd.it/1mpgiiq
@asexualityonreddit

Me when people say they want a big boy to come by their house
https://redd.it/1mpcahl
@asexualityonreddit

Romantic Desire as an Asexual?? Does anyone get it? Help me out here.

Hello. I am a Cis Asexual Soft Tomboy Butch; Dyke Lesbian as anyone who is one.

Now my attraction is like anyone; you don’t know why; you just do and; or are.

Yes; I am attracted to Big ish Masculine Mullet-y Nonbinary Butch; Dyke lesbians with no chest, the pronouns are changed; but the rest is still as woman as it was.


I keep having dreams about being in the lap of a Big ish Masculine Mullet-y Nonbinary Butch; Dyke lesbian with no chest, the pronouns are changed; but the rest is still as woman as it was leaning in to them as I fall sleep.

With that said…

Does that mean I only have Romantic Desire? I mean, because I don’t want the sex part and I still find them ones attractive as all hell.

https://redd.it/1mpi0zd
@asexualityonreddit

Why I No Longer Identify as Asexual/Aromantic - Here's My Story

So, a huge disclaimer on this post, I don't intend to be aphobic or offend anyone, this is simply my story. I'm not trying to insinuate that every instance of identifying as ace is a phase, (though in my case, it was). I'm making this post because I've seen a lot of posts from minors -- or otherwise very young people -- that are confused and looking for a label. I'm here to warn people about the potential harm of labeling yourself too soon and the pressure that can come from it.

When I was young (around five years old) I began treatment for precocious puberty (starting puberty too soon), and used puberty blockers until I was about nine or ten. During that time, I can't recall ever having a crush on a boy -- or anyone for that matter -- and I felt super isolated and couldn't understand why I didn't feel the way the other girls did. Looking back now, it was likely a side effect of the blockers, but being that young, the thought never crossed my mind. Like I said, it was difficult at first, but before long, I started to embrace it. As a young girl in elementary and middle school, I liked feeling "different" and seeing the stunned reactions of other people when I told them I'd never had a crush before. By the end of middle school however, that was a flat-out lie.

My eighth grade year was done entirely online due to Covid, and during that isolation, I was spending more and more time online, and was swept up in confusion surrounding my sexuality with all the different labels and brightly-colored flags. This also coincided with one of the worst years of my life -- being so isolated and all. I started to question if the one crush I had had previously was even real or considered a crush; as I found many different definitions and emotions associated with them. By the time I went back to school in freshman year, I didn't just think, I knew I was asexual in some way or at the very least queer. Or at least, I wanted to be.

Still seeking to be different and wanting attention from others, I continued to lie. I pretended like I had no idea what it meant or how it felt to find someone attractive or develop a crush on them. Being so young, it was easy, as I hadn't developed enough yet; and the one crush I did have didn't really "count." At this point, my lie started to become my truth as I convinced myself more and more -- continuing to write off any instance of attraction as an immediate reflex, "Oh, I just like his outfit," or, "Oh, I just like his music/movies" (in the case of a celebrity crush). I suppressed my emotions so much because, 1. I wanted to be different. and 2. I was never comfortable with the idea that someone could have an influence over me like that. I viewed it negatively -- like it was a weakness to have a crush.

Eventually, I told this lie to my two friends. Their ears perked up, and they gave me what I was looking for -- they slapped the label "Asexual" on me immediately; I was fourteen. Being with that label made me feel high and mighty -- holier than thou over everyone else. Girls would complain about their crush and I'd say, "Huh, that's weird, I don't have that problem." I was very much asking, "Am I cool yet?" 

I spent a lot of time online and determined for myself that I was Aromantic too -- once again, feeling better than everyone else even among asexuals. I felt it was "cheating" to not be aromantic. By this point, it was real to me. Something about having a label and a community completely silenced the part of my brain keeping me tethered to reality -- the part that would remind me I was lying to my peers. I constantly monitored myself and picked apart every glance I stole towards a guy; I'd tell myself it wasn't attraction because "I don't do that," and suppressed, suppressed, suppressed. I thought emotions that were actually normal were signs of asexuality, and the groups I was a part of both online and off only affirmed that. Things like being afraid to have sex, or being afraid to kiss a guy, are completely normal for young

girls (and boys I'd imagine to some extent too), they're incredibly vulnerable and scary situations. 

I carried on like this for years up until very recently when I finally started to be honest with myself. I have had crushes before, and just because it wasn't like the movies, doesn't mean I don't know what they are. Currently, it's an uphill battle to dismantle what I've done to my own mind and learn not to be so aggressively dismissive of my real emotions. It's not a weakness to have a crush on a boy, nor is it "cool" to suppress it. I was too young to learn about labels, and crammed myself mercilessly into a box of me and my friends' choosing. We all knew too much before we even knew ourselves.  

Boy, I have a lot of work to do. My friends are all under the assumption that I'm asexual, and I still act like it too. I need to take it apart in my own mind before involving them in this mess. A few things I think kids need to look out for if they find themselves in a similar situation online are: 1. being told that they're welcome to "use the label for as long as it feels comfortable." Sure, it sounds nice and harmless, but from my experience the pressure of a label is almost too much to bear for a child. As soon as they start slipping from the label's definition, they crack the whip on themselves to stay in line. For a kid, it's way more about wanting to be asexual vs. actually being asexual, but with so little experience, it's hard to tell the difference. And, 2. this one is pretty specific; it's someone telling them, "C'mon, if you're googling 'Am I Ace?' then you probably are ace. No straight person feels the need to do that." My friends told me that and I believed them; I was happy too, because it made me "different."

There is something to be said about the psychological effects labels can have on someone so young. If I was never made aware of asexuality, I would've likely grown out of my attention-seeking phase much sooner; and wouldn't have forced it on myself. My attraction to boys is subdued now, it's subtle, childish, and embarrassing. I feel years behind where I should be, so I guess the early bloomer has become the late bloomer after all. I still have a lot to learn and am off to college now, I hope to let myself fall in love there.

I guess my message is for kids (particularly girls) in middle school or high school: It is normal to want to be different, it is also normal to want to fit in. It's normal to experience crushes differently, subtly, frequently, or infrequently. I know, it's confusing right? Just relax and be honest with yourself. Maybe you're like me and feel it's embarrassing or a weakness to feel this way towards someone. I know I never enjoyed talking about it. Before I thought I was ace, I always kept those feelings private -- they were nobody's business but my own. And, y'know what? That's normal too.

I have no hate towards asexual or aromantic people. I think you guys are pretty cool and valid. This was simply my experience I wanted to get out there. I no longer identify as asexual or aromantic in any way. Respectfully, I have to go.

https://redd.it/1mprekx
@asexualityonreddit

Why does every romance in film have to end with them 'consumating'?

From since the olden days, they'd have a couple have sex at some point in the early development of their relationship. Before they'd 'hint' at it due to censorship, now man butt is just casually thrown in our faces.

I don't mind them talking about it, as it's important to talk about especially when you're young, and also gives us a warning for incoming smashing (a good example of this well done is in Heartstopper; they talked about it so much that I expected to see much more than I did, so I was pleasantly surprised that they didn't make me watch them waltzing their cheeks around).

Thing is, it's not even interesting to heteros. None of my pro-sex friends found sex scenes 'hot and steamy'. Actually, one really good case, was when me and my bff were watching Bridgerton, and we were both squealing over the sexual tension with Anthony and Kate, but then when they had sex it was just meh.

So what's even the point of it then? Everybody, ace or not is always talking about how much they love sexual tension, and it's one of my favorite things to watch on screen. But no one actually cares about the sex scenes, they just watch p*rn if they want. They could literally get away with having a whole season of tension end with the characters telling their friends they f*cked and move on!

Like it's not even for the 'normal people'. I just don't get why they bother. 🤷 What's the point?

https://redd.it/1mprnja
@asexualityonreddit

Dobby is free?ha

It's been 3 months... 3 full months since my partner of 3.5 years and I broke up. It has been so peaceful to not to be bothered with sex, to not be pestered with this taxing chore. It's like I convinced myself for so long that I must have sex and it wasn't optional. I was too afraid to admit that I didn't care for sex like other people do. Sex felt cumbersome and overstimulating. I was so scared for everything to fall apart and when it did, it was like trying to pick up quicksand. Pointless. I could cry of how free I feel and I did have a wonderful partner, but I never realized how heavy of a burden this was. We just weren't compatible in that way. I will always love her and I'll always love me. Sometimes you have to put yourself first. Dobby is free 🥹

https://redd.it/1mppfbl
@asexualityonreddit

Feels like my bf doesn't respect my identity

I told my boyfriend that I'm asexual and it didn't go well.

I made sure to lead with telling him I still love him and want to be with him, but he still accused me of secretly hating him and was very upset. After he calmed down, I explained I'd still be okay with doing things for him, but I'd like to do it way wayyyy less because it makes me anxious, though I still want him to be happy too. I understand it can be a deal-breaker, and told him to be honest with me if it was. He said he understood, and it wasn't a deal-breaker, and he agreed.

Though the past few weeks he's been complaining about the fact that I'm "not normal". He still tries to initiate several times a day and pouts when I turn him down, still saying it's because I don't love him. When I remind him what we talked about, he just says he understands, but then keeps bugging me about it. I don't even know what to do here. We've spent years together and I don't want to lose him, but he's not respecting my identity and it's driving me crazy.

Sorry if this isn't the place to put this, just needed to get it off my chest.

https://redd.it/1mpl4wz
@asexualityonreddit