Romantic asexuality and loneliness

Hi everyone,

I’ve been struggling lately with the idea of finding other asexual people near me. It’s starting to feel really lonely at times, and a bit isolating.

I’m asexual but romantic, and sometimes it feels like I may never find someone who fits the way I experience love and relationships. In the past (before I understood my asexuality) I dated and was in relationships, but often felt pressured to do things I didn’t want just to meet others’ expectations.

I crave emotional intimacy and deep connection, but it seems like many people immediately associate that with sex, and it becomes frustrating. Here in Argentina, asexuality is almost never talked about, and local communities are very small. In my city, I’ve never met another asexual person.

So my question is: how do you cope with these feelings of isolation and the fear of never finding someone compatible? Any advice or personal experiences would mean a lot.

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Anyone familiar with the term “side”?

I heard this term about a week ago on TikTok and I think it’s mainly used by the gay men community but basically a side as somebody who doesn’t enjoy penetration so like in the gay community, you could be a top, a bottom, or a side. I’m a cis woman attracted to mainly cis men and have never desired penetrative sex and I also have vaginismus so I literally can’t even physically have it. But I wondered if anyone else on the ace community would find this term helpful? I believe I’m a sex favorable ace, but only for a very limited number of sexual acts as other ones I am very adverse to. But our society widely defines sex as some form of penetration and I think it’s helpful for everyone to expand their definition so I wanted to share this term with you all. 😊

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One of my favorite and most hilarious Ace representations: Dungeons and Daddies Agent Schmegan
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eqNB8aWhCkM

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I want to be proud of being asexual again :(

I used to be insanely proud of my asexuality, I would post about it everyday on social media, share ace memes to my friends, make pride stuffs, be open about it to other people, even aphobes ! I was happy to be the way I am and to share it with people.

I'll make it as short as possible : I've been through corrective r@pe multiple times during a relationship with a man who spent the whole time reassuring me about my asexuality and validating it (at least with words, absolutely not with actions). I've been fetishized by him and many men who came after him for being asexual. Now I feel like I have to hide it at all cost for my own safety, because of how many times I've heard things like "it's wanting what you can't have", and basically, it's been turning men on.

I'm dreaming about wearing an ace flag to a pride again, wearing my black ring, speaking about it shamelessly to people and not giving a damn about their opinion of it, no matter how messed up it is. I hate how I've been shoved back into the closet like that. I hate feeling like this thing I've been so much proud of is now a source of worry and fear. If you ever struggled with being proud of being asexual, how did you manage to overcome negative feelings towards it ?

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Can I skip puberty?

I hate being an AMAB teenager. I feel urges constantly and I can't do anything to control them, they just randomly appear and they don't go away for nothing in this damn world. I hate and I hate and I hate.

I wanted so bad to stop masturbating but it's impossible to not do it anymore. I don't even care about it at this point, I just want some peace. Sometimes even doing that doesn't help too much and I have to do god-knows-what to make the urge stop.

And I feel urges everywhere, even in contexts where it absolutely shouldn't, and there's absolutely nothing I can do to stop it. Sometimes it happens when I'm trying to focus on something and it takes completely my ability to focus on my tasks, or otherwise affect me negatively.

I'm not sure where this came from, because I wasn't always like that. It's likely just me being in my late teens and testosterone being the little bitch it usually is. I wish I could skip this part of my life so bad, at least physiologically. It's so annoying.

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Elder Queer discovering identity

Hey folks, I am an almost 50 married mother of two. I am in a secure polyamorous relationship with my husband which has allowed me to explore my new identity as aroace.

I am the most content and confident I have ever been, exploring deep friendships without the "threat" of sex.


I'm also realising slowly that my aesthetic appreciation for other humans doesn't have to translate into sexual desire. After being hypersexual and hypersexualised in my earlier years this feels really strange but also very right. I finally feel like I'm in the right place.


Thanks for listening and for being here.

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My family’s comments towards my asexuality are making me uncomfortable, how do I approach these comments in the future?

TW mention of SA
I (22NB) am asexual, I’m also a christian and have been raised in a christian family. I’ve always been different to the rest of my family because I’m pro queer and trans (I am also queer and trans) while the rest of my family are pretty wishy washy about where they stand. That being said my family is very sex positive, they do not view sex itself as a sin and are very open to me and my older (25M) brother about having conversations about it, being we are both adults.

I’ve known I’m asexual since I was 17 but I’ve only been open about it with them since I was 21, but for some reason they just can’t seem to wrap their head around the fact that sex is just not a value of mine. I assume they must see romantic and sexual attraction as the same thing, because when I tell them I want to be in a relationship one day, but I’m not interested in sex, they just don’t seem to understand it. They are constantly trying to tell me that I will change once I find the right person or that its just my trauma talking. For reference, when I was 19 I was in a year long abusive relationship where I was SA-ed, it really had an effect on my mental health. I have since healed and feel comfortable with dating and wanting a relationship again.

But that happened when I was 19, I knew I was ace since I was 17. The SA has nothing to do with my asexuality, but my parents think that that is the reason why I’m ace. It doesn’t help that I told them I was ace AFTER I broke up with my abusive partner. But they always just invalidate how I feel when we talk about it, and make comments like “you are not asexual you’re just traumatised”. Other comments I hear a lot from them include “your hormones will kick in when you have a good partner and then you’ll want to have sex”, “its normal to want sex and it will happen to you too” and my personal favourite I’ve heard “you just need some more testosterone”. They don’t seem to understand that it’s not a hormone thing for me, its a DESIRE thing. I desire to NOT have sex. I’ve thought about it a lot, and the cons outweigh the pros for me, and it’s just something I don’t like. They just don’t seem to understand.

The final straw for me was when I was watching a romcom with my family, it’s one of my favourites as one of the leads is just my dream person to date. In the comfort of my home I exclaimed how much I loved that character and how I wished I could date someone like them someday. They said I will find that person one day, but then out of the blue with no warning they also said I would want to have sex with that person one day too. Which I found incredibly weird to say, since in the rom com we were watching, that character’s plot line has NO sex whatsoever (another reason why I love it so much). The comment really came out of no where, we weren’t talking about my asexuality beforehand, and ruined the whole night’s vibes for me. The next day I confided in my brother who was not there for the comment my parents made. I tell my brother almost everything, as I feel recently we’ve become much more close and open to each other. But once I told him the comment that was made and how it made me feel, I was met with silence. Which is unusual for him, which leads me to believe he agrees with them.

I feel so weird, like they see me as broken and that they don’t actually believe me when I tell them about this part of myself. And now that my brother seems to agree with my parents, I feel very alone. How can I approach this situation? Do I just not be open to my family about this part of my life anymore? And how do I defend myself whenever these comments come back again? Based off what they’ve told me for years they see sex and relationships as an intertwined thing, and just don’t see why I want one and not the other. It’s typical for Christians who don’t follow the “no judgement” rule Christians have, to judge people who choose to have sex. Why are my parents judging me for NOT wanting

to have sex? Anyway, how should I approach these comments in the future?

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People are really out here licking buttholes and say WE are the weird ones for not liking it.

Like bro that is so fucking gross.

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I just recently learned im ace, what are all the terms? this sub is confusing me

I know that Ace is an umbrella term for all Asexuals, and I know that Aromantic is that you dont want a partner and thats what I am. But wtf are these other ones?? I see like 10 different terms and their all confusing can somebody PLEASE just list them and their meanings to me i beg

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how do I come to terms with this?

This is my first post here or anywhere, because ive never been unsure about anything in my life. I'm 18ftm and since I was maybe 11(?) I knew i was gay, ive known everything about myself except for what this is. 1 year ago I had a gf, who our relationship ended shortly cause I was so paranoid about having sex, about even making out with her because it was confusing. last night, I went to a club, and I hated making out, I hated the fact that people would want it to lead to sex and ive dumbed it down to maybe im asexual. but idk how to process this. I dont know anyone who's asexual, everyone in my life is sexually active and just talk about how great life is with sex and I feel so outcasted. how do I come to terms with this

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I find myself with an “asexual bias” view of the world

Im asexual and I've been fairly confident in that for many years, but I’ve come to the realization recently as to how fundamentally different I am looking at the world compared to my friends, who none of which are asexual.

I was thinking about this while talking to my friend, who described my music taste as “very hopelessly romantic”. That surprised me, and I realized I just listen to a lot of romantic songs or songs with sex based lyrics, but I kinda thought of them as songs about the value of romance over sex or other similar ideas. I’ve also found I do this with other media, as I remembered the first time seeing the hunger games, trying to convince myself Peeta and Katniss were two people with strong non-romantic bonds.

I just kinda wanted to see if other people feel like this, had this same idea come to them, stuff like that. I just found the idea that others are perceiving me as “romantic” to be a little funny.

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Would you guys think a sub e.g. r/SexRepulsed would be beneficial & used? Or not really necessary?

Just wondering what you guys think.

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Anybody else that's just apathetic to their gender identity? (yesthisisacerelated)

Title... I dunno how to describe it but I just don't feel attached to the concept of masculinity at all. Like yeah im a guy sure. So what. I look male but I do have long hair and will get earrings soon but thats about it. Im not gonna go out of my way to break gender norms but I have no issue doing so I feel like.

Anyways I read a survey that many asexuals also have gender apathy so I was just curious if that's true? Anybody else kinda feel this way?

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Kallmann syndrome

I have a rather strange story. I hope it is acceptable to post here.

I have a condition called Kallmann syndrome which meant I did not go through puberty correctly. I was incorrectly labelled as a "late bloomer" untl I was 23 years old, at which time I started hormone therapy (testosterone).

As a teenager I had no sexual drive at all and very little sexual awareness. I had a vague idea of what puberty was but little idea about sex and sexuality. I was basically asexual, but I never would have known that term when I was younger.

Growing up I knew I was more interested in the male body than the female one but at the time it was not sexual, it was more of a curiousity as to the development I was not going through at the time. Even the very rare times I found a porn magazine, I looked nothing like the guys I saw there.

Even after starting testosterone treatment at the age of 23 it took a few years for my sexual awareness to grow. Looking back I think I was content back then. I certainly knew I was missing out on something but it seemed not to bother me much and I just kept myself busy with work and hobbies.

It is totally different now. I have a high drive but the lack of development and self confidence makes physical relationships difficult for me. I do enjoy the encounters I do have but I do not have to have them as frequently as I assume most other people do.

Sometimes I miss those asexual days when I had no strong sexual feelings. I need to be on testosterone therapy though, it has health benefits that I need.

It has been a too long a post already. Thank you if you have read this far. I am happy to answer any questions, should there be any.

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The aphobia on TikTok is wild

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Like men and women here but I refuse to have sex

Does anyone else have the same problem?

I don’t really seek or feel sexual attraction much to anybody except select few, but I’m comfortable with nudity and intimacy in certain contexts.

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@asexualityonreddit

Aces of reddit: Describe your ideal type of romance/relationship

what I mean) and that question popped into my brain.

So here's the "question" (as said in the title already, but I'm weird):

Describe your personal ideal type of relationship or romance. How you imagine your dream relationship, regarding dynamic, love language if you want, just whatever comes to mind!

As done before, of course I will answer it myself as well. (in the rare case someone's interested lol) And I admit, it's really not an easy question to answer.

Thing is, I'm a very clingy person. I'm a cuddle bear, I could spend the day cuddling on the couch watching movies and it would be a perfect day for me. And in general, I'm just really clingy. (Which was a bad thing in most cases so far, to be fair) Along with that clinginess comes also the loyalty. If I'm in love with someone, they're pretty much all I think about and I could stick to them 24/7. Only issue that comes with that is the jealousy. As mentioned in my previous poll about toxic trait, I get jealous very easily. It simply comes from me having been cheated on before due to my asexuality and that sort of possessiveness that I tend to have, so I just need reassurance... a lot.

Now, it's a long beating around the bush and I apologize for that, but I kinda felt like giving more background on my personality so that my answer makes more sense. Bottom line, as also clearly reflected in the novels I write, is that for me, it's a "ride or die," or "you and me against the world," maybe a little Bonnie and Clyde type of love. All those just generally a little "cute possessive" type. (If you know what I mean... I just hope I dont come across as a maniac or some shit lol)

To be fair, I've never been in it one that before, but that's how I always imagine it idealy for me and I won't ever stop dreaming and wishing for it, even if I die alone.

Anyway, have fun answering! :3

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I put up ace flags (and a carpet!) in my Minecraft room since I’m not allowed to do it in my own room :)
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