I wish I wasn’t ace

I’m honestly starting to get depressed over this. I want to fall in love, I want to experience being in love and being loved in return for once in my life. I’m nearing my thirties and have yet to be in a romantic relationship. 

I just wish I could flip a switch and become allo. I’ve met men that I’ve been compatible with on every other level, but me being ace is always that one thing that they can’t work with. I'm sex averse/repulsed and monogamous so there is no working around it for me. And I understand that just as I can't compromise, most allo people can't either, but I’m tired of this. I've met more rejection than one could even imagine.

I don’t even try with allo men anymore. I know my partner needs to be ace. I’ve been posting on asexual subreddits, I’ve been on acespace… but finding someone who is both ace and otherwise compatible is so so so hard. Not to mention I live in a small country so finding someone locally isn’t likely.

I just don’t want to be single all my life…



https://redd.it/1nkpmc6
@asexualityonreddit

Long Term Relationship

I'm sure this is a dime-a-dozen story:

Mostly just need to get this out there, so feel free to stop here. I'm Allo, and I'm sorry for this post, because it feels like I'm 'grabbing the mic' so to speak, without being welcome here. I can't talk about my partner's asexuality without outing them to anyone, so I'm stuck throwing it into the void.

We've been together for 12 years and married for 9. I love them so deeply it hurts. They love me the same and I truly believe that. I understand a common misconception for allos about asexuals is to conflate love and lust.

My partner has recently realized they were more and more comfortable with the term Asexual to describe their sexuality, and feelings around sex. I'm not sure if they've landed yet on a label or umbrella term that describes them more specifically. I'm still learning what I can from them, but unfortunately I'm an emotional mess.

We were sexually active at more of an allo-cadence at the beginning of our relationship, but after we got married and had our child, that tapered off significantly. What I thought at the time, was that my partner and I were tired and 'touched out' and that was the reason behind our slow tapering off of sex. We eventually stopped all together, and it's been a few years now.

It's not the only source of distance between us. I've a lot of blame on my shoulders for letting our relationship sit on the back burner, and no longer being romantic with my partner after marriage. We weren't growing together, and felt like we were slowly drifting apart, and that's my fault. They tried but finally had enough and quiet-quit the romantic side of our relationship, because I already had. It took me a while to finally see it. I've been the focus of my partner's empathy over the last few years, and I've been selfish. I had a mental health crisis, and also came out to them early in our marriage before our child was born. I was the needy one in the relationship, and my partner held things down, and chose me despite me not being what they thought. I want to do the same for them. I want this to work somehow.

After coming out recently, they told me "I don't want to have sex." I figured that's enough said really, and I respect that, I really do. They also said they enjoy the feeling of sex, but never want it or think about it. I feel like they're trying to let me down slowly, and are afraid to rip off the band-aid. If they don't want sex, they don't want sex. I can't help but feel sorry for them, for having to do things they were uncomfortable with their whole adult life. It makes me feel gross for my role, because I thought we both felt the same way about sex.

The sentiment here seems to be that we're incompatible, and things won't work between us, which breaks my heart so much, because we love each other. I want nothing more than intimacy between us, but I don't want to push anything, or make them feel guilty, so obviously it shouldn't happen. If that's how it's going to be, that's how it's got to be. They've stated what they want.

So I don't know what we're going to do. The thing I want is the thing I can't have. I want them to desire me sexually, I always have, and now I know that's just not a thing that's going to happen, and it never was happening in the first place.

https://redd.it/1nkubz0
@asexualityonreddit

Asexual coming-out

I just came out as asexual today 💜 I feel relieved and very proud !

https://redd.it/1nkvu12
@asexualityonreddit

I feel broken

I’m sure a lot of y’all have felt this and I’m far from the only person on here to say this, but got I feel so broken. I’ve just recently come to terms with being ace, and I’m pretty sex repulsed. Not judging anyone who enjoys sex of course, do you have fun. It’s just not who I am, and I feel like we live in such a horny world, girls guy and others alike. I just constantly feel so pressured to enjoy sex, I feel boring and broken and wrong for not wanting to have sex. I’m a massive people pleaser and I was hypersexual for most of my teenage years, cause of being r*ped. But I don’t think my trauma has anything to do with being ace and having like no libido. It’s not some health thing, I masturbate and enjoy it, but I can’t get over the guilt of not wanting to sleep with people and not being sexually attracted to people I guess. I feel like everyone I talk to like that I try and be sexual and then I just end up being like, I can’t do this, and then everyone just tries to guilt trip me, being like “you really don’t like this? What if I blah blah blah” and It’s like, no, there’s nothing you can do, I just don’t want to. And then I just give in cause I feel bad and i hate it and I hate myself and I wish I was normal. Which is silly cause I’d never say or think that about someone else in my shoes yk. Idk.

https://redd.it/1nktqdx
@asexualityonreddit

Asexuality and Internal Locus

I've been thinking about the asexuality spectrum for some time, trying to make sense of my experience. Just finished reading ACE by Angela Chen.

I've been wondering about ways to describe my experience without leaning so much on identity labels because it seems like any label I land on becomes something I feel that I have to defend eventually.

I've been thinking about the concept of internal vs external locus of control. If I think about it, I experience my sexuality as something deeply internal, a part of myself I'm hesitant to share unless I feel very safe with someone. I also don't find that it's dependent on outside stimulus (ie attraction).
It seems to me that maybe the opposite is true for allosexual folks. Sexuality being experienced much more as an external effect.

If I had to pick an identity I would probably choose demi or gray. However thinking about it in terms of internal vs external locus or process feels useful.
Does that make sense to anyone else?

https://redd.it/1nktllf
@asexualityonreddit

I don't understand if I'm broken or my gf inexperienced

so basically I'm afab20, and my gf is f18. she's been in a relationship with another girl just before we got together, so I've always seen her as the one who knows how to move around and give me pleasure.
Paradoxically whenever we have sex, I mean ok she's on top, but I'm the one giving her the most pleasure, as apparently I'm more practical than I thought, I understand anatomy and having seen porn I know how to do the stuff I've seen. but when it's my turn, I don't get turned on. she can't seem to find my clitoris (which is where I'm def more sensitive and I get more pleasure from that then from being fingered), and overall even tho she's allosexual, I feel like she's a bit goofy as she doesn't masturbate (might that be? I'm curious about her past relationship sex life, not in a perv way).
I think I'm asexual, but sometimes I think my body is just idk broken?, I don't feel any libido ever, nor sexual attraction (I mean, only felt these one single time in my life), and only sometimes sexual desire (so I do masturbate), but the thing that triggers me the most is how I'm not able to feel anything in such context.
I might be not relaxed enough? or is she just not understanding my body? I really don't know

https://redd.it/1nkwr3o
@asexualityonreddit

I am Ace but I dont like garlicbread

I like bread but not the garlic taste. I used to like it but not anymore. Also it makes people stinky.
I would still choose garlicbread over sex, cause it’s the lesser of two evils.
Anyone else agree with me?

https://redd.it/1nl00lv
@asexualityonreddit

Whole truth nothing but the truth
https://redd.it/1nl1ik4
@asexualityonreddit

Omitting a sex life makes it much easier
https://redd.it/1nl25tr
@asexualityonreddit

A question I've been wanting to ask you all...

Was there ever a time where you were indecisive on who you are, but you knew it was somewhere under the ace or aro spectrum?

And how did it reflect in your relationships and friendships?

https://redd.it/1nkzupa
@asexualityonreddit

What book is this?
https://redd.it/1nl45bm
@asexualityonreddit

Open Mc server

Minecraft aro/ace server setup.

Hey guys, I'm just finished up setting a MC server for my discord group (it's an aro/Ace discord) and thought I would share it with you guys if you would all like to join.

In the discord 13 people said they would play or be interested in playing on the server. But obviously they all won't be on at the same time so it's open to other ace/aro people.

Since I'm making it a public server I've installed a claim plugin so no griefieng or stealing would be possible. There are a few other plugins installed but it's mostly vanilla quality of life plugins. You don't need to install anything.

I've created a new discord server just for this so feel free to join. Any other aro/ace discord owners feel free to share with your group if anyone wants to join and make it one big collaborative world where all other servers can hang out and chat on at no extra cost :)

The server has just opened today and both bedrock and Java can join.

The rules are simple.
1) be nice to everyone.
2) no bullying, politics or any other offensive & sensitive topics.
3) have fun.

https://discord.gg/KVrjdQFmb5

Mods delete if not allowed (I've read the rules and it's seems fine). Thanks

https://redd.it/1nl5jhe
@asexualityonreddit

Are you guys out to people irl?

I’m 23M and I’m not. Just curious if anyone else is.

I tried telling one person(a distant cousin), because I thought she would get it cuz she lived a life that went against our cultures sexual norms(I’m Indian-American, like South Asian Indian). But she said it sounded like “incel cope” and I just “needed to get laid before I became a full blown incel”. Then she thought I was joking and “saw through the joke” and I laughed it off with her. Yeah, never telling anyone again 💀💀💀

I also gradually stopped talking to her lol.

I just tell people “I’m religious and waiting for marriage, wanna work on my career first” now. People don’t prod and sometimes actually give me respect for it. It’s only a half-lie cuz I am religious and I do wanna work on my career first, but none of those are the concrete reasons why obviously.

https://redd.it/1nl4559
@asexualityonreddit

Was organising my pins and badges and after putting these next to each other, the idea of an ace bimbo confused and intrigues me, is that possible?
https://redd.it/1nld9x7
@asexualityonreddit

figured this would fit here:
https://redd.it/1nldv6h
@asexualityonreddit

Skeleton
https://redd.it/1nlgif5
@asexualityonreddit

Came across this post today

https://www.reddit.com/r/truscum/comments/znh3hj/why\_is\_asexuality\_apart\_of\_the\_lgbtq\_community/

Why? Why do people discriminate against us and then turn around and cry about how they're so discriminated? Like obviously they are discriminated but shouldn't that make them have more empathy instead of continuing the discrimination cycle? I don't understand why would you assume we're not facing oppression? If you tell someone you're ace or aroace they immediately assume your hormones are messed up, you have mental issues, you were traumatized, you're a prude, or you're faking for attention. We include trans people in LGBTQ+ when that is an identity and not a sexual orientation. Why assume that because we can be in opposite gender relationships, even though they would be heteroromantic and not heterosexual relationships, that we don't count what about bisexuals then if a bisexual woman dates a man are they not bisexual anymore does that automatically make them straight. They claim it's not a sexual orientation but it is objectively more of one then transgender. Asexuality is about how much SEXUAL attraction you feel what about that is not a sexual orientation?

Also not saying that trans people shouldn't be included just that asexuality is clearly more about sexuality than transgender imo.

https://redd.it/1nliydg
@asexualityonreddit

Being ace is hard, even in ace communities

This is coming from the standpoint of someone sex repulsed, so please keep that in mind before commenting. This is more of an opening for discussion.
Sometimes, it feels like theres more of an expectation on sex aversed aces to be extra mindful of how they express themselves. Otherwise, they must be accepting of any non-constructive criticism on its way. But it's not a situation that's "just the internet". In here, I come across many respectful posts, fustrated, and angry rant posts about being sex averse and they are downvoted to HELL. And it saddens me a lot! If theres any place thats appropriate to express discomfort, disgust or grief, its here. Not everything is a personal attack on someone that happens to be scrolling.

I understand that mods can't mod everything, and that you're gonna deal with a jerk or 10 just by being active online. My concern is, if an ace community isn't the place to express being sex aversed, then what is the minority supposed to do? Whatever we are going through, it's mistaken as shaming people who are elsewhere on the spectrum if we post it. Even if a bit distasteful, isn't it on us as an ace community to show them the understanding that others can't give? Shouldn't we be more empathetic because no one else will understand aces, regardless of the spectrum, like us?
If someone is being blatantly hateful or disrespectful, that's another story. But these are my thoughts, thanks for reading

https://redd.it/1nlf9zx
@asexualityonreddit

Why do we need to be willing to have open relationships, especially if we do not like sex?

Warning: The topic of sex may be inappropriate for younger Internet users, so I sincerely ask that you click off this post before continuing.

I just do not see what have sex so glorifying to the point where it is considered something work breaking up the relationship or looking for a partner who will specifically provide you with sex. It is to the point where people act like sex is the only thing separating a relationship from a friendship. This goes for people of all gender identities. What about us choosing to live together, spend money on each other, cuddle, kiss, hug, sleep in the same bed, raise a family. compromise on some of our interests and hobbies for the relationship's sake, introduce each other to our loved ones, acting as one another's emotional support, dying for each other if the need arises, and choosing to build a future together because we most felt connected to one another out of the hundreds of people we know?

Maybe it also has to do with me being a black man. The fact is that people expect my only interests to be sex, trucks, rap, fried chicken, basketball, and American football. There is a reason why people assume you are lying when you say you don't want sex, and why people on this very subreddit no less ask if asexual men even exist. So, it feels like I am being punished or getting labeled a villain because I have my own boundaries (I REALLY do not like the idea of touched sexually or touching another person sexually), or that I'm just "not good enough" for my supposed partner. And people wouldn't be able to accept someone like me saying all this about relationships since that doesn't fit their narrative.

I should mention that I am 21 and have never been in a relationship before. If I ever get a partner, I plan to make it clear what my boundaries are but I never know when she would feel like those are something she has a problem with.

But regardless of all that, what do you think about what I am saying? What am I misunderstanding, and how should my views on relationships change? Do I have no choice but to have an open relationship or date someone just like me if I want to maintain my own comfort? Am I being too unempathetic or failing to understand people?

https://redd.it/1nll0c4
@asexualityonreddit

Any transfems/NB folks here who got scared by breast growth?

Hey hey,

I am a 22 y/o AMAB transfem/non-binary person and I started HRT two months ago.

I generally want a feminine body and feminine features, but I got extremely scared once my breasts started to grow: The thing is, that I consider certain parts of the human body utterly disgusting, probably due to my asexuality. I feel really disgusted by nipples (of all genders) and genitals. This is not a gender dysphoria thing, because I equally dislike seeing them on others. And now starting to grow bigger and bigger nipples scares me a bit. 😭

https://redd.it/1nlsha3
@asexualityonreddit

Anyone want to sign a petition for increased LGBT education in schools?

https://chng.it/QVTjtJWkJp

https://redd.it/1nlv228
@asexualityonreddit