Is there a particular reason that you're asexual?
I've been asked many times before why I'm asexual, and every single time I just told them I had no interest in sexuality and if I loved someone, I'd only care about what's in their heart rather than their pants. I told them it all just seems a bit unrational and shallow to me. I gave them every logical explanation I could think of, but just today someone asked me if I had an issue, if I was ever been r worded or had a similar traumatic experience that caused me to turn asexual. I said no and that I don't need to be r worded to know what I want or, in this case, don't want, and it has absolutely nothing to do with me being asexual. That's just who I am and told her she could call me a coward if she likes because it's true that I feel uncomfortable, suffocated and even afraid when someone touches me intimately, but said that there is nothing wrong with me and I do not have an "issue". But it got me thinking whether there's really something wrong with me that may have caused me to turn out this way, or that's how other asexuals feel too?
https://redd.it/1emp10a
@asexualityonreddit
I've been asked many times before why I'm asexual, and every single time I just told them I had no interest in sexuality and if I loved someone, I'd only care about what's in their heart rather than their pants. I told them it all just seems a bit unrational and shallow to me. I gave them every logical explanation I could think of, but just today someone asked me if I had an issue, if I was ever been r worded or had a similar traumatic experience that caused me to turn asexual. I said no and that I don't need to be r worded to know what I want or, in this case, don't want, and it has absolutely nothing to do with me being asexual. That's just who I am and told her she could call me a coward if she likes because it's true that I feel uncomfortable, suffocated and even afraid when someone touches me intimately, but said that there is nothing wrong with me and I do not have an "issue". But it got me thinking whether there's really something wrong with me that may have caused me to turn out this way, or that's how other asexuals feel too?
https://redd.it/1emp10a
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Asexual writers (group)?
Are there any ace / ace-leaning writers looking for a work accountability group (ie: Discord meet ups)? Or perhaps such a group already exists? I'm looking for active writer friends to talk and review work with. My writing tends to reflect my asexuality but I am fine meeting the smut-friendly aces too!
https://redd.it/1emvdxy
@asexualityonreddit
Are there any ace / ace-leaning writers looking for a work accountability group (ie: Discord meet ups)? Or perhaps such a group already exists? I'm looking for active writer friends to talk and review work with. My writing tends to reflect my asexuality but I am fine meeting the smut-friendly aces too!
https://redd.it/1emvdxy
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Am I asexual
I’m a 27F married to a 30M. We’ve only been married 4 months; in a relationship for about a year before that. I’ve never been a sexual person in regard to wanting sex. It’s more something I do to appease my husband, but I can’t say that I’ve ever had the desire. It’s the same thing with hugs and kisses. Hand holding is fine.
My partner is the opposite in that they are very sexual and enjoy random kisses and stuff like that . I always thought I didn’t want to cz I dislike pda, but I’m realizing I genuinely have an aversion to it.
I’m ok with never having sex honestly but the thing is I do want kids. (I’m confused about this as well)
I have been attracted to people before, but I can’t recall it ever being in a sexual way.
I never look at my partner and feel a desire to do anything remotely sexual with them, I’m not sure I ever did and it truly makes me feel so much guilt.
I also think this might all be because I was raised super conservative and in a religious environment and I’m still really close with my faith.
I guess I’m just lost. I feel so bad because I think i’m possibly realizing this so late 🥺
Thanks and sorry for reading my rambling
https://redd.it/1emyqa3
@asexualityonreddit
I’m a 27F married to a 30M. We’ve only been married 4 months; in a relationship for about a year before that. I’ve never been a sexual person in regard to wanting sex. It’s more something I do to appease my husband, but I can’t say that I’ve ever had the desire. It’s the same thing with hugs and kisses. Hand holding is fine.
My partner is the opposite in that they are very sexual and enjoy random kisses and stuff like that . I always thought I didn’t want to cz I dislike pda, but I’m realizing I genuinely have an aversion to it.
I’m ok with never having sex honestly but the thing is I do want kids. (I’m confused about this as well)
I have been attracted to people before, but I can’t recall it ever being in a sexual way.
I never look at my partner and feel a desire to do anything remotely sexual with them, I’m not sure I ever did and it truly makes me feel so much guilt.
I also think this might all be because I was raised super conservative and in a religious environment and I’m still really close with my faith.
I guess I’m just lost. I feel so bad because I think i’m possibly realizing this so late 🥺
Thanks and sorry for reading my rambling
https://redd.it/1emyqa3
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I'm looking for a friend for my wife.
Delete if not allowed. I'm married to an asexual woman. We recently found out a couple of months ago and I'm working to be a part of this new reality.
However, she sticks to herself a lot. We've tried searching for friends locally, but haven't had much luck. Are there any suggestions on how to locate asexual people? I know it sounds weird, but we want her to have someone to can relate to about this asexuality. Male or female, we don't care. We've tried a few apps and the people that have messaged me are not asexual and tend to turn the conversation that way. Thanks!
She does want to get out, but she is shy and doesnt have confidence meeting new people.
https://redd.it/1emop5o
@asexualityonreddit
Delete if not allowed. I'm married to an asexual woman. We recently found out a couple of months ago and I'm working to be a part of this new reality.
However, she sticks to herself a lot. We've tried searching for friends locally, but haven't had much luck. Are there any suggestions on how to locate asexual people? I know it sounds weird, but we want her to have someone to can relate to about this asexuality. Male or female, we don't care. We've tried a few apps and the people that have messaged me are not asexual and tend to turn the conversation that way. Thanks!
She does want to get out, but she is shy and doesnt have confidence meeting new people.
https://redd.it/1emop5o
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Allos that prey on underage people
So for whatever reason the Labyrinth is making it around my TikTok algorithm. I saw some comments of people gushing over how polite and respectful David Bowie was to Jennifer Connell because she was only 14 at filming. Apparently he was very cognizant of where he placed his hands during the dance scene and kept distance between them. Anyway, I’d recently also looked up what sexual attraction feels like. I just never understand it. But it’s described as like this magnetic attraction you have to someone when you see their body or emotionally connect or whatever. It made me start thinking about how common it is for minors to be sexualized. Like I’ve talked to allo male friends before who’ve said even if they objectively find someone sexually attractive if they find out they’re underage they shut it down. But it’s obviously still there. It seems to be so common even if it’s not acknowledged. Some men and women don’t care and are open predators. It was so bad in songs from the 60s to 80s. Into the Night by Benny Mardonnes starts off with “She’s just 16 years old…” apparently he wrote the song about the daughter of his landlady or something who would come to the basement for laundry whilte they were song planning. The other guys were bothering her so he stepped in and wrote the song. I could be misremembering but it was something like that. Cool. Then the song proceeds to be really fucking creepy towards the 16 year old. I think “Caroline” in Seet Caroline was also a 14 year old from his real life. Idk it’s really giving me the ick. It feels like nothing is sacred. I look back on my life as a kid and adolescent and just feel ick. All those times I thought people were just being friendly or platonic but they were probably wanting to bang me.
Edit: found the part from an interview about Into the Noght: “So one night Robert Tepper and I were up writing songs... And in she walks, 16 years old, dressed for school in a miniskirt, little stacked heels, adorable, 16-going-on-21. She said, ‘You’ve been up all night?’ and of course it was obvious. I said, ‘Yeah, we have.’ She says, ‘Okay, come on, Zanky,’ and she walks the dog out. When she leaves and goes out the door, my partner goes, ‘Oh, my God.’ I said, ‘Hey, Bob. She’s just 16 years old, leave her alone.’ And literally five minutes later I said, ‘Play that lick again, Bobby.’ So he played the lick and I went (singing), ‘she’s just 16 years old, leave her alone, they say.’ Then I thought about her dad and what he had done, and that’s where I got ‘Separated by fools who don’t know what love is yet.’ The chorus was, ‘you’re too young for me, but if I could fly, I’d pick you up and take you into the night and show you love like you’ve never seen.’ Then the verse ‘It’s like having it all and letting it show. It’s like having a dream where nobody has a heart. It’s like having it all and watching it fall apart.’ Because his success was not the family’s success; it was just his. ‘I can’t measure my love there’s nothing compared to it’ - it was all about the abandonment of this family and this 16-year-old girl.”
https://redd.it/1emwkh7
@asexualityonreddit
So for whatever reason the Labyrinth is making it around my TikTok algorithm. I saw some comments of people gushing over how polite and respectful David Bowie was to Jennifer Connell because she was only 14 at filming. Apparently he was very cognizant of where he placed his hands during the dance scene and kept distance between them. Anyway, I’d recently also looked up what sexual attraction feels like. I just never understand it. But it’s described as like this magnetic attraction you have to someone when you see their body or emotionally connect or whatever. It made me start thinking about how common it is for minors to be sexualized. Like I’ve talked to allo male friends before who’ve said even if they objectively find someone sexually attractive if they find out they’re underage they shut it down. But it’s obviously still there. It seems to be so common even if it’s not acknowledged. Some men and women don’t care and are open predators. It was so bad in songs from the 60s to 80s. Into the Night by Benny Mardonnes starts off with “She’s just 16 years old…” apparently he wrote the song about the daughter of his landlady or something who would come to the basement for laundry whilte they were song planning. The other guys were bothering her so he stepped in and wrote the song. I could be misremembering but it was something like that. Cool. Then the song proceeds to be really fucking creepy towards the 16 year old. I think “Caroline” in Seet Caroline was also a 14 year old from his real life. Idk it’s really giving me the ick. It feels like nothing is sacred. I look back on my life as a kid and adolescent and just feel ick. All those times I thought people were just being friendly or platonic but they were probably wanting to bang me.
Edit: found the part from an interview about Into the Noght: “So one night Robert Tepper and I were up writing songs... And in she walks, 16 years old, dressed for school in a miniskirt, little stacked heels, adorable, 16-going-on-21. She said, ‘You’ve been up all night?’ and of course it was obvious. I said, ‘Yeah, we have.’ She says, ‘Okay, come on, Zanky,’ and she walks the dog out. When she leaves and goes out the door, my partner goes, ‘Oh, my God.’ I said, ‘Hey, Bob. She’s just 16 years old, leave her alone.’ And literally five minutes later I said, ‘Play that lick again, Bobby.’ So he played the lick and I went (singing), ‘she’s just 16 years old, leave her alone, they say.’ Then I thought about her dad and what he had done, and that’s where I got ‘Separated by fools who don’t know what love is yet.’ The chorus was, ‘you’re too young for me, but if I could fly, I’d pick you up and take you into the night and show you love like you’ve never seen.’ Then the verse ‘It’s like having it all and letting it show. It’s like having a dream where nobody has a heart. It’s like having it all and watching it fall apart.’ Because his success was not the family’s success; it was just his. ‘I can’t measure my love there’s nothing compared to it’ - it was all about the abandonment of this family and this 16-year-old girl.”
https://redd.it/1emwkh7
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The struggle
I just need to rent and I don’t have anyone in my life who I think completely understands because none of my friends or family are asexual. I’m sure plenty of you understand who have to seek a OB/GYN no exactly what I’m going to say and I know that I’m gonna have to deal with it for the rest of my life, but it’s so annoying that every time it’s the same questions and I get the same. Looks when I stay I’ve never had sex and I never have a desire to have sex. I am 27 years old going on 28 and since we live in a society where you know People expect you to do that I guess I always get looked at like I’m lying when I’m not I have no desire to have a sexual relationship with anyone does that I don’t want a relationship know for me personally I do hope I have a relationship down the line, but if it doesn’t happen, oh well, I guess because it’s hard to find someone who’s OK with not having a sexual component in a relationship. Anyways, my biggest problem is they want to do a Pap smear because I’ve never done one and if you know what that is, you know that it’s painful even if you’ve had sex or even if you’ve even birth the child it’s still painful. I have expressed to them multiple times that they want to get it done. They’re gonna have to put me under anesthesia and that’s the truth because I had an IUD at one point and they had to put me under anesthesia to put it in because that’s how uncomfortable and painful it is for me, I got the IUD due to severe menstrual cycle pains.
Well, I go back to an OB/GYN in two weeks I have not been to one in over 2 years and I’m not looking forward to it. I always push them aside even though I know that it’s just as important but I view them as I do the dentist and it’s the worst. I’d actually rather go to the dentist because it’s the same questions it’s the same looks and it’s the same story every time and it’s so annoying and as someone who has chronic Issues it’s important for me to go to every doctor because I am immunocompromise. I don’t have a spleen and I have chronic liver rejection so it’s important for me to keep up on things in general but it’s just annoying.
https://redd.it/1en627q
@asexualityonreddit
I just need to rent and I don’t have anyone in my life who I think completely understands because none of my friends or family are asexual. I’m sure plenty of you understand who have to seek a OB/GYN no exactly what I’m going to say and I know that I’m gonna have to deal with it for the rest of my life, but it’s so annoying that every time it’s the same questions and I get the same. Looks when I stay I’ve never had sex and I never have a desire to have sex. I am 27 years old going on 28 and since we live in a society where you know People expect you to do that I guess I always get looked at like I’m lying when I’m not I have no desire to have a sexual relationship with anyone does that I don’t want a relationship know for me personally I do hope I have a relationship down the line, but if it doesn’t happen, oh well, I guess because it’s hard to find someone who’s OK with not having a sexual component in a relationship. Anyways, my biggest problem is they want to do a Pap smear because I’ve never done one and if you know what that is, you know that it’s painful even if you’ve had sex or even if you’ve even birth the child it’s still painful. I have expressed to them multiple times that they want to get it done. They’re gonna have to put me under anesthesia and that’s the truth because I had an IUD at one point and they had to put me under anesthesia to put it in because that’s how uncomfortable and painful it is for me, I got the IUD due to severe menstrual cycle pains.
Well, I go back to an OB/GYN in two weeks I have not been to one in over 2 years and I’m not looking forward to it. I always push them aside even though I know that it’s just as important but I view them as I do the dentist and it’s the worst. I’d actually rather go to the dentist because it’s the same questions it’s the same looks and it’s the same story every time and it’s so annoying and as someone who has chronic Issues it’s important for me to go to every doctor because I am immunocompromise. I don’t have a spleen and I have chronic liver rejection so it’s important for me to keep up on things in general but it’s just annoying.
https://redd.it/1en627q
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My art got called "creepy"
I'm completly sex repulsed asexual doesn't like to think of myself or even other people in, who gets uncomfortable even at the thought that someone else might be intrested in my sexually
Because of that whenever I am making art with full nudity or some kind of expilit scene I often add even extreme gore or worring implications
It is kinda my own way of saying "fuck you too" as in "I was uncomfortable making this, so you will be uncomfortable watching it"
I'm not even showing it around or posting it online, but my friend recently saw it and called it creepy and that I shouldn't view sex or other people in that way (they don't mind gore for gore sake, but apparently mixing it up with sexual scenes make it wrong and yes I know there are kinks like that)
I explained to them my "fuck you too" policy and thought they may find it funny as they're gay and often talk about heteronormativity that way, but they didn't really get it.
Actually I already noticed couple times how he "doesn't get" asexuality, nor really trying, so maybe I don't have art problem, but a friend one
https://redd.it/1en4set
@asexualityonreddit
I'm completly sex repulsed asexual doesn't like to think of myself or even other people in, who gets uncomfortable even at the thought that someone else might be intrested in my sexually
Because of that whenever I am making art with full nudity or some kind of expilit scene I often add even extreme gore or worring implications
It is kinda my own way of saying "fuck you too" as in "I was uncomfortable making this, so you will be uncomfortable watching it"
I'm not even showing it around or posting it online, but my friend recently saw it and called it creepy and that I shouldn't view sex or other people in that way (they don't mind gore for gore sake, but apparently mixing it up with sexual scenes make it wrong and yes I know there are kinks like that)
I explained to them my "fuck you too" policy and thought they may find it funny as they're gay and often talk about heteronormativity that way, but they didn't really get it.
Actually I already noticed couple times how he "doesn't get" asexuality, nor really trying, so maybe I don't have art problem, but a friend one
https://redd.it/1en4set
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My boyfriend just told me he is asexual
So my boyfriend of 5 months just told me he thinks he’s asexual. The problem is that I’m very sexual, we haven’t had sex yet, but I really want to, but it seems like he doesn’t want to and when we get into a more serious relationship we might only have sex every other month or every 3 months. That’s something I don’t want to deal with tbh. I really care about him. He also told me I could go have sex with other guys but I shouldn’t be talking too much about it in front of him. And I definitely shouldn’t date other guys.
Sex is a very important part of a relationship to me and I don’t really know how to take this so I’m coming on here and asking for advice.
https://redd.it/1en0r0a
@asexualityonreddit
So my boyfriend of 5 months just told me he thinks he’s asexual. The problem is that I’m very sexual, we haven’t had sex yet, but I really want to, but it seems like he doesn’t want to and when we get into a more serious relationship we might only have sex every other month or every 3 months. That’s something I don’t want to deal with tbh. I really care about him. He also told me I could go have sex with other guys but I shouldn’t be talking too much about it in front of him. And I definitely shouldn’t date other guys.
Sex is a very important part of a relationship to me and I don’t really know how to take this so I’m coming on here and asking for advice.
https://redd.it/1en0r0a
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Does it feel weird explaining being asexual but still wanting a relationship?
Sometimes it’s hard to explain to people but also hard to say. The fact that I still want someone to care about who cares about me, hold hands, kiss, be home and live together, be there for eachother but no sex.
Also always weird when people respond with “well since you won’t have sex gender shouldn’t matter either.” I’m a guy who still wants a girlfriend and maybe someday a wife.
https://redd.it/1eneinc
@asexualityonreddit
Sometimes it’s hard to explain to people but also hard to say. The fact that I still want someone to care about who cares about me, hold hands, kiss, be home and live together, be there for eachother but no sex.
Also always weird when people respond with “well since you won’t have sex gender shouldn’t matter either.” I’m a guy who still wants a girlfriend and maybe someday a wife.
https://redd.it/1eneinc
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Forcing myself to watch porn to "get over my fear"
I'm AFAB. Ace and don't like men sexually or romantically. Have liked a couple women romantically tho.
I force myself to watch heterosexual porn. Idk why, it leaves me feeling absolutely miserable. It hurts me more than any physical pain. I hate it but still do it. Maybe I'm trying to get over my "fear" or am unconsciously trying to "fix" myself and be like everyone else.
In my asian culture, marriage is almost like a duty, something inevitable you have to do. Consent is also like implied so marital rape isn't seen as valid. Being sex repulsed and not liking men but having this fear of this impending inevitable thing I'd be forced into has me feeling like I have to fix myself and be prepared? I feel absolutely defeated. Can't afford therapy or escape this situation :(
Any advice much appreciated.
https://redd.it/1endd6s
@asexualityonreddit
I'm AFAB. Ace and don't like men sexually or romantically. Have liked a couple women romantically tho.
I force myself to watch heterosexual porn. Idk why, it leaves me feeling absolutely miserable. It hurts me more than any physical pain. I hate it but still do it. Maybe I'm trying to get over my "fear" or am unconsciously trying to "fix" myself and be like everyone else.
In my asian culture, marriage is almost like a duty, something inevitable you have to do. Consent is also like implied so marital rape isn't seen as valid. Being sex repulsed and not liking men but having this fear of this impending inevitable thing I'd be forced into has me feeling like I have to fix myself and be prepared? I feel absolutely defeated. Can't afford therapy or escape this situation :(
Any advice much appreciated.
https://redd.it/1endd6s
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Any other graysexuals here as well?
I felt lost for a long time because I wanted to participate in certain sexual activities but others were a hard pass. It was making me so confused. Am I overthinking it? Am I just heterosexual? As I got older I realized that I don't understand other people's obsession with it, find sex jokes and tv/music portrayals uncomfortable, feel the desire to engage in just the specific sexual activities and even then it's just very sporadic and a huge portion of time I'm content with emotional intimacy, hugs kisses and cuddles. I wish more people knew about asexuality and viewed it as people having different perspectives, rather than this hostile attitude I'm coming across frequently. I also feel like there's a huge problem when it comes to people understanding consent. So if you're a grayace too, what has been your journey?
https://redd.it/1enge0d
@asexualityonreddit
I felt lost for a long time because I wanted to participate in certain sexual activities but others were a hard pass. It was making me so confused. Am I overthinking it? Am I just heterosexual? As I got older I realized that I don't understand other people's obsession with it, find sex jokes and tv/music portrayals uncomfortable, feel the desire to engage in just the specific sexual activities and even then it's just very sporadic and a huge portion of time I'm content with emotional intimacy, hugs kisses and cuddles. I wish more people knew about asexuality and viewed it as people having different perspectives, rather than this hostile attitude I'm coming across frequently. I also feel like there's a huge problem when it comes to people understanding consent. So if you're a grayace too, what has been your journey?
https://redd.it/1enge0d
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How I told my therapist and it all clicked
Hello everyone I wanted to tell my experience, how I found out about my sexuality and what led to me finally telling my therapist. I’m a 26 male
Ever since I can remember I never found sex to be enjoyable or desirable at all. When I hit puberty and started finding girls attractive that was all there was to it. I would look and see all these beautiful and pretty girls around me and never did I have the dearies to be sexually with them. It didn’t hit me until about 2 weeks ago what sexual attraction even was or constituted of.
When I look at someone that I find attractive then that’s all I see. I don’t look or think about them in a sexually way what so ever. If anything that feeling and thought kinda gives me the jitters and creeps me out. I don’t know why but sometimes when I see some who’s super attractive it’s almost like I can’t view or think about them in a sexual way without cringing and becoming uncomfortable.
Now this has held me back and affected me in building and finding a romantic partner. I definitely don’t have a problem attracting and being able to get with girls. The problem is I don’t want too or will avoid the topic of sex all together. When it’s been about a month and I still haven’t brought it up or talked about it to them then they ghost me and move on.
It never clicked with me that this was completely normal and that I was the one being weird and standoffish. All these feelings and things were with me forever and I just acted like how I thought people wanted to be treated.
Today I was sitting with my therapist taking about people pleasing and how I will just conform to whatever opinion of others. I don’t know why but this made me think about the problem I have with romantic relationships and being a “kiss ass”. I brought it up to my therapist and we talked about how communication is key in relationships and assuming is never the best option. That’s when I told her about how I feel about sex and how it affects me.
She was actually very receptive and didn’t even hesitate to talk about the topic. She was very calming and understanding of what I was saying. To say I was shocked would be an understatement because I never would have guessed that she would have been this supportive and happy to help me. She suggested that I be upfront about this within the first few dates and tell any potential partners how I feel and what’s to expect.
She said don’t word it like “I don’t wanna have sex” she suggested that i say “I identify as asexual and that if that’s something they are interested in” you aren’t saying “you don’t want to have sex with them but maybe other people”. You are being upfront that you don’t want to participate in sex at all and that if they find interest and that’s something they can deal with.
It feels like such a huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders and I feel so much better. I’m shocked at how great and amazing my therapist reacted. She mentioned that I’m finally finding my identity and creating a voice for myself. I’m finally speaking up and voicing my needs and feelings. It’s something I have struggled with for years.
Thank you to anyone who read this. I hope you all have a great and amazing journey ahead. I hope everyone can eventually find happiness and peace with whatever they are chasing. I think that you shouldn’t settle for less than what you are willing to put up with. Everyone should have a voice to say what they want and need.
https://redd.it/1eni76r
@asexualityonreddit
Hello everyone I wanted to tell my experience, how I found out about my sexuality and what led to me finally telling my therapist. I’m a 26 male
Ever since I can remember I never found sex to be enjoyable or desirable at all. When I hit puberty and started finding girls attractive that was all there was to it. I would look and see all these beautiful and pretty girls around me and never did I have the dearies to be sexually with them. It didn’t hit me until about 2 weeks ago what sexual attraction even was or constituted of.
When I look at someone that I find attractive then that’s all I see. I don’t look or think about them in a sexually way what so ever. If anything that feeling and thought kinda gives me the jitters and creeps me out. I don’t know why but sometimes when I see some who’s super attractive it’s almost like I can’t view or think about them in a sexual way without cringing and becoming uncomfortable.
Now this has held me back and affected me in building and finding a romantic partner. I definitely don’t have a problem attracting and being able to get with girls. The problem is I don’t want too or will avoid the topic of sex all together. When it’s been about a month and I still haven’t brought it up or talked about it to them then they ghost me and move on.
It never clicked with me that this was completely normal and that I was the one being weird and standoffish. All these feelings and things were with me forever and I just acted like how I thought people wanted to be treated.
Today I was sitting with my therapist taking about people pleasing and how I will just conform to whatever opinion of others. I don’t know why but this made me think about the problem I have with romantic relationships and being a “kiss ass”. I brought it up to my therapist and we talked about how communication is key in relationships and assuming is never the best option. That’s when I told her about how I feel about sex and how it affects me.
She was actually very receptive and didn’t even hesitate to talk about the topic. She was very calming and understanding of what I was saying. To say I was shocked would be an understatement because I never would have guessed that she would have been this supportive and happy to help me. She suggested that I be upfront about this within the first few dates and tell any potential partners how I feel and what’s to expect.
She said don’t word it like “I don’t wanna have sex” she suggested that i say “I identify as asexual and that if that’s something they are interested in” you aren’t saying “you don’t want to have sex with them but maybe other people”. You are being upfront that you don’t want to participate in sex at all and that if they find interest and that’s something they can deal with.
It feels like such a huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders and I feel so much better. I’m shocked at how great and amazing my therapist reacted. She mentioned that I’m finally finding my identity and creating a voice for myself. I’m finally speaking up and voicing my needs and feelings. It’s something I have struggled with for years.
Thank you to anyone who read this. I hope you all have a great and amazing journey ahead. I hope everyone can eventually find happiness and peace with whatever they are chasing. I think that you shouldn’t settle for less than what you are willing to put up with. Everyone should have a voice to say what they want and need.
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How can I ask my bf if he is asexual?
I (47f) suspect that my boyfriend (50m) may be asexual and want to know how best to ask him this question without offending him. He is so amazing and we connect on many levels, but I feel like we are having a hard time consistently connecting on a sexual level and just don’t understand why. We are discussing marriage, but I feel nervous commit to someone when I feel there is a disconnection, without any understanding as to why we can connect on every other level so well, but not this one. In case you’re wondering, we have been together 5 months, so it is a newer relationship, but we both feel like we had found our life partner the instant we met.
Out of respect for his privacy, I don’t want to go into too many details. We have had discussions about how I wish we would have more sex than we do, but those conversations never end well, and it ends with him feeling like he’s not enough for me. I really don’t want to shame him or make him feel bad, I just want to understand why I’m feeling like he doesn’t want/enjoy sex with me, when to me it is such a beautiful expression of love and a powerful way to connect, and well, it just feels great. So It’s hard for me to wrap my brain around why someone wouldn’t want more of that.
Honestly, I don’t think he has ever considered the idea of being asexual. But so many stories he has told me of previous encounters include a woman wanting to have sex with him, and him turning them down. So I know it’s not just me that he doesn’t want to have sex with. Anyway, my point is that this may have never crossed his mind, so it may be a shocking question to him, and again he may feel attacked if I bring it up, which is the last thing I want to happen. How can I bring this up in a way that he is able to ask himself how he feels, without pressure of letting me down? I know it’s such a delicate topic and I don’t want to do this in a way that he just blows it off without considering the idea, or with him getting defensive and thinking he’s not enough. Please help.
https://redd.it/1enimnf
@asexualityonreddit
I (47f) suspect that my boyfriend (50m) may be asexual and want to know how best to ask him this question without offending him. He is so amazing and we connect on many levels, but I feel like we are having a hard time consistently connecting on a sexual level and just don’t understand why. We are discussing marriage, but I feel nervous commit to someone when I feel there is a disconnection, without any understanding as to why we can connect on every other level so well, but not this one. In case you’re wondering, we have been together 5 months, so it is a newer relationship, but we both feel like we had found our life partner the instant we met.
Out of respect for his privacy, I don’t want to go into too many details. We have had discussions about how I wish we would have more sex than we do, but those conversations never end well, and it ends with him feeling like he’s not enough for me. I really don’t want to shame him or make him feel bad, I just want to understand why I’m feeling like he doesn’t want/enjoy sex with me, when to me it is such a beautiful expression of love and a powerful way to connect, and well, it just feels great. So It’s hard for me to wrap my brain around why someone wouldn’t want more of that.
Honestly, I don’t think he has ever considered the idea of being asexual. But so many stories he has told me of previous encounters include a woman wanting to have sex with him, and him turning them down. So I know it’s not just me that he doesn’t want to have sex with. Anyway, my point is that this may have never crossed his mind, so it may be a shocking question to him, and again he may feel attacked if I bring it up, which is the last thing I want to happen. How can I bring this up in a way that he is able to ask himself how he feels, without pressure of letting me down? I know it’s such a delicate topic and I don’t want to do this in a way that he just blows it off without considering the idea, or with him getting defensive and thinking he’s not enough. Please help.
https://redd.it/1enimnf
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Forcing myself to watch porn to "get over my fear"
I'm AFAB. Ace and don't like men sexually or romantically. Have liked a couple women romantically tho.
I force myself to watch heterosexual porn. Idk why, it leaves me feeling absolutely miserable. It hurts me more than any physical pain. I hate it but still do it. Maybe I'm trying to get over my "fear" or am unconsciously trying to "fix" myself and be like everyone else.
In my asian culture, marriage is almost like a duty, something inevitable you have to do. Consent is also like implied so marital rape isn't seen as valid. Being sex repulsed and not liking men but having this fear of this impending inevitable thing I'd be forced into has me feeling like I have to fix myself and be prepared? I feel absolutely defeated. Can't afford therapy or escape this situation :(
Any advice much appreciated.
Edit: I've tried books. They hurt too. Especially since they're first person perspective. Even romance without spice is incredibly repulsive. Btw accidentally deleted the post while trying to edit so this is a reupload
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I'm AFAB. Ace and don't like men sexually or romantically. Have liked a couple women romantically tho.
I force myself to watch heterosexual porn. Idk why, it leaves me feeling absolutely miserable. It hurts me more than any physical pain. I hate it but still do it. Maybe I'm trying to get over my "fear" or am unconsciously trying to "fix" myself and be like everyone else.
In my asian culture, marriage is almost like a duty, something inevitable you have to do. Consent is also like implied so marital rape isn't seen as valid. Being sex repulsed and not liking men but having this fear of this impending inevitable thing I'd be forced into has me feeling like I have to fix myself and be prepared? I feel absolutely defeated. Can't afford therapy or escape this situation :(
Any advice much appreciated.
Edit: I've tried books. They hurt too. Especially since they're first person perspective. Even romance without spice is incredibly repulsive. Btw accidentally deleted the post while trying to edit so this is a reupload
https://redd.it/1enk2i3
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Non-aces dating asexuals and “sexual incompatibility”
Flaired for potential aphobia.
One thing I’ve commonly noticed when an asexual (or possible asexual) asks for relationship advice on being with a non-ace partner, is that people will judge the asexual partner and treat them like a burden for “not being able to sexually please” their partner. Sometimes they will even tell them that their relationship is doomed and will die because of the lack of sex for the non-ace partner.
I won’t lie, this makes me feel self conscious because I have spent ages questioning if I am asexual/under the ace umbrella. At the very least my sex drive is extremely low. Meanwhile, my partner is definitely not asexual, but still has made it clear that he loves and respects me regardless of how I feel in terms of sexual attraction. We’ve had many conversations about it and overall we are both happy together and have a lot of good times. Even then, I still can’t help but feel guilty. I have always felt guilty about not having a “normal” sex drive.
https://redd.it/1enp2ca
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Flaired for potential aphobia.
One thing I’ve commonly noticed when an asexual (or possible asexual) asks for relationship advice on being with a non-ace partner, is that people will judge the asexual partner and treat them like a burden for “not being able to sexually please” their partner. Sometimes they will even tell them that their relationship is doomed and will die because of the lack of sex for the non-ace partner.
I won’t lie, this makes me feel self conscious because I have spent ages questioning if I am asexual/under the ace umbrella. At the very least my sex drive is extremely low. Meanwhile, my partner is definitely not asexual, but still has made it clear that he loves and respects me regardless of how I feel in terms of sexual attraction. We’ve had many conversations about it and overall we are both happy together and have a lot of good times. Even then, I still can’t help but feel guilty. I have always felt guilty about not having a “normal” sex drive.
https://redd.it/1enp2ca
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