alone around this night,
my smile disappears,
from that face of dignity,
that was never there.
surely I've fallen,
from the grace of unknown,
but it's not the injuries,
that bring tears in this eye.
looking back for footsteps,
in search of something to rejoice,
all i could see was guilt,
as vivid as afternoon sun.
can i still be saved?
i wonder this day and night,
with a hope to regain my pride,
i am not committed to fight.
my smile disappears,
from that face of dignity,
that was never there.
surely I've fallen,
from the grace of unknown,
but it's not the injuries,
that bring tears in this eye.
looking back for footsteps,
in search of something to rejoice,
all i could see was guilt,
as vivid as afternoon sun.
can i still be saved?
i wonder this day and night,
with a hope to regain my pride,
i am not committed to fight.
“We made our choices a long time ago, so
I guess we gotta pay for our sins…”
I guess we gotta pay for our sins…”
👍1
How do you forgive yourself for ruining something good?
that question has been sitting heavy with me.
because its one thing to grieve what you lost, its another to realize you played a part in losing it.
to look back with clear eyes, and see the moments where your fear spoke louder than your love; where your ego showed up instead of patience, where you didn't yet have the tools to show up the way you wish you had.
for a long time i carried that guilt like a sentence, like proof that i didn't deserve to move on or be happy again or be trusted with something good in the future.
I replayed everything, thinking if i punish myself long enough, maybe it would somehow make things right. But I'm learning that shame doesn't fix the past, it just keeps you trapped in it, and forgiving yourself doesn't mean pretending you didn't hurt someone, it means acknowledging you did, without deciding that defines you forever, it means understanding that growth often comes after the mistakes, not before it.
I didn't ruin something good because i was careless or because I'm cruel, i ruined it because i was still learning, because i hadn't met certain parts of myself yet, because i didn't know then what i know now. So I'm trying to forgive myself not by forgetting what happened, but by letting it change me, be becoming someone who loves more carefully, listens more deeply and owns their impact without self destruction.
And maybe that's what forgiveness looks like, not erasing the past, but choosing to grow beyond it.
that question has been sitting heavy with me.
because its one thing to grieve what you lost, its another to realize you played a part in losing it.
to look back with clear eyes, and see the moments where your fear spoke louder than your love; where your ego showed up instead of patience, where you didn't yet have the tools to show up the way you wish you had.
for a long time i carried that guilt like a sentence, like proof that i didn't deserve to move on or be happy again or be trusted with something good in the future.
I replayed everything, thinking if i punish myself long enough, maybe it would somehow make things right. But I'm learning that shame doesn't fix the past, it just keeps you trapped in it, and forgiving yourself doesn't mean pretending you didn't hurt someone, it means acknowledging you did, without deciding that defines you forever, it means understanding that growth often comes after the mistakes, not before it.
I didn't ruin something good because i was careless or because I'm cruel, i ruined it because i was still learning, because i hadn't met certain parts of myself yet, because i didn't know then what i know now. So I'm trying to forgive myself not by forgetting what happened, but by letting it change me, be becoming someone who loves more carefully, listens more deeply and owns their impact without self destruction.
And maybe that's what forgiveness looks like, not erasing the past, but choosing to grow beyond it.
There are two stages of grief
- who you were before
- who you are after
Before, when everything felt intact, when you didn't know what it would feel like to lose it; when you move through life without that particular ache, and then, there is after; After the goodbye, after the silence, after the moment you realize things would never go back to the way they were.
Grief doesn't just take a person, i think it takes a version of you, too; the version that believed it would last, the version that hadn't learned that lesson yet, the version that didn't carry that weight, and no one really talks about that part, how you wake up one day and you're still you, but slightly rearranged, a little quieter, a little more careful, a little more aware of how fragile things can be, and you can't go back to who you were before, but maybe that isn't the point, maybe grief isn't about returning, maybe its about becoming; because the "After" version of you isn't broken and its still you, they're just deeper and softer in some ways and stronger in others, and maybe the goal isn't to miss who you were before, maybe its to learn how to love who you become after.
- who you were before
- who you are after
Before, when everything felt intact, when you didn't know what it would feel like to lose it; when you move through life without that particular ache, and then, there is after; After the goodbye, after the silence, after the moment you realize things would never go back to the way they were.
Grief doesn't just take a person, i think it takes a version of you, too; the version that believed it would last, the version that hadn't learned that lesson yet, the version that didn't carry that weight, and no one really talks about that part, how you wake up one day and you're still you, but slightly rearranged, a little quieter, a little more careful, a little more aware of how fragile things can be, and you can't go back to who you were before, but maybe that isn't the point, maybe grief isn't about returning, maybe its about becoming; because the "After" version of you isn't broken and its still you, they're just deeper and softer in some ways and stronger in others, and maybe the goal isn't to miss who you were before, maybe its to learn how to love who you become after.