My wife claims she drives better than I do, but you can't fool a dog

When you're tired but someone
just won't stop talking your ear off

We all know someone we would immediately shoot if there was a zombie apocalypse.

Zombie or not.

- Man, we're not going to abduct you, leave us alone!
- Guys, please, I can't take this anymore!
- Please, at least for a week!

کوئیز:
این جمله یعنی چی؟
Da hast du Schwein gehabt!

My sister-in-law had been wondering for years about her son’s strange appearance.

A DNA test revealed that the child belongs neither to her nor to my brother.

She confronted him.

He said: “Don’t you remember? In the hospital – the baby had wet his nappy.

You said: ‘Go and change him!’
So I fetched a clean baby and left the dirty one behind.”

I’m wasting the best years of my life,
so that I can earn money for the worst years of my life.

- Tell me I'm unique.
- You are.
- Really?
- I couldn't stand another one like you

Ophthalmologist: Your results are in
Patient: Can I see them?
Ophthalmologist: Probably not

Why are nail clippers banned on airplanes?

Unpopular opinion: If a terrorist can hijack an airplane using a nail clipper, he deserves it.

When you don't feel like washing the dishes

If you don’t know who the most beautiful person on earth is,
then just read the second word again.
And the third!

If something brings you neither peace nor meaning, it deserves neither your time nor your energy

Bed for couples married for ten years

Available with electric fence for couples married for over 20 years

Finally, I can say that I have a body like Rambo's

Finally, a demand that I can support with a clear conscience

Sleep is really a game of chance.
Either you wake up feeling refreshed and energized, or something like this:

Kicker