To summarize Washington's latest act of energy market wizardry, Uncle Scrooge Bessent is juggling Iranian oil, SPR releases, and Jones Act waivers to fix the crisis his own administration created — like an arsonist selling fire extinguishers. With Hormuz blockaded, Asia paying $167/barrel while Americans enjoy a quaint $97, and Brent cheerfully decoupling into its own reality, the administration's "plenty of levers" strategy is essentially robbing tomorrow's strategic reserves to paper over today's strategic blunder. The Department of Energy, apparently not briefed on its own policy, politely clarified there are "no plans" — which in Washington means it's already happening.

What magnificent timing: just as the "Epic Fury" coalition celebrates bombing Iran's oil infrastructure into democracy, Iranian exports have somehow doubled to 4 million barrels daily — more than twice the pre-war average. Uncle Scrooge's heroic proposal to "unsanction Iranian oil" arrives precisely when Iran needs no such favor, having apparently figured out how to export more oil while being bombed than before. The Malthusian masterminds destroying Iranian energy infrastructure have, against all odds, turbocharged Iranian energy exports. Mission accomplished, indeed — just not quite the mission anyone advertised.

The Macro Butler sat down with Junus Eu from The Building Financial Podcast to deliver a masterclass in not losing your shirt: investing, he explained, is really just adulting with a roadmap.

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The weekend opened with a charming plot twist: Iran—allegedly “obliterated”—somehow found the time to launch intermediate-range ballistic missiles toward the Diego Garcia base in the Indian Ocean. According to conveniently unnamed officials, one missile gave up mid-flight, while the other was politely greeted by a U.S. interceptor—success status, naturally, “unclear.” None actually hit the target, but the real headline is that Iran may now possess capabilities well beyond what was previously dismissed—proving once again that total destruction is a remarkably reversible condition.

https://www.jpost.com/middle-east/iran-news/article-890690

Diego Garcia—a modest little outpost in the Indian Ocean—just happens to be a key UK–US hub for long-range bombers, nuclear submarines, and global surveillance, quietly enabling power projection across half the planet while officially remaining “just a base.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2cU8klavvNA

Listen to a summary of The Macro Butler weekly newsletter via podcast on Substack; YouTube; Rumble & TikTok.

https://themacrobutler.substack.com/p/turning-dirt-into-bullion-chasing-706

Week four of Operation Epstein Fury, and the Warmonger-in-Chief — having apparently obliterated Iran fresh every morning like a geopolitical Groundhog Day — now threatens an even newer, more obliterating stage of bombing unless Iran kindly reopens the strait it closed to ships that nobody will insure, carrying oil sold in the very currency of the empire supposedly winning so decisively. The puppet Gulf monarchies watch nervously, London insurers decline politely, and Iran remains stubbornly un-obliterated. Victory, it turns out, is a remarkably flexible concept in Washington's theological dictionary.

Having generously obliterated Iran for four weeks on ‘Satanyahu's tab’, the Warmonger-in-Chief has now presented his Gulf puppet monarchies with the most audacious protection racket in diplomatic history: $5 trillion to keep the war going, or a bargain $2.5 trillion to make it stop — call it the "Epstein Fury" loyalty surcharge. The same Gulf states whose oil nobody will insure, sold in the currency of the empire that started the war they never asked for, must now pay for the privilege of either continuing or ending it. Meanwhile, America hasn't lost soldiers or territory — merely something more expensive and harder to rebuild: the last remnants of Middle Eastern credibility.

‘Satanyahu’, naturally, wants to escalate further, gambling that a president haemorrhaging domestic support will double down rather than fold.

History suggests the Hill is already counting midterm seats.

https://mmnews.tv/2-5-trillion-to-stop-or-5-trillion-to-continue-trump-reportedly-demands-war-ransom-from-arabs/

In a remarkable feat for a country that has allegedly been obliterated fresh every morning for four consecutive weeks, Iran has somehow found the energy — between annihilations — to hit Diego Garcia and now Dimona, Israel's crown jewel of nuclear ambiguity. Apparently, being bombed into oblivion is no obstacle to precision targeting when you're running on pure spite. The "Epic F..k Up" operation's propaganda department is presumably working overtime to explain how a fully obliterated nation keeps returning fire with such inconvenient accuracy.

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2026/mar/21/iran-hits-israeli-town-housing-nuclear-facility-in-retaliation-for-natanz-strike

The Shimon Peres Negev Nuclear Research Center — Israel's worst-kept nuclear secret — is a heavily fortified facility in the Negev Desert, officially designated for "research" in the same way Al Capone was in "hospitality." Built in 1958 with French assistance, its heavy-water reactor produces roughly 9 kilograms of plutonium annually, with stockpiles reportedly sufficient for up to 200 warheads. Recent satellite imagery confirms ongoing expansion, suggesting Israel is either researching very ambitiously or preparing for contingencies it would rather not discuss.

https://www.aa.com.tr/en/middle-east/explainer-dimona-what-to-know-about-israel-s-nuclear-site/3852733

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Hell, it turns out, is perfectly symmetrical — within hours, the other side dutifully answered the Warmonger-in-Chief with equal theological fury, confirming what the Devil himself has always known: when two Malthusian death cults square off in the name of their respective deities, the only true believers are the weapons manufacturers. Both altars demand the same sacrifice; only the prayers differ.

After a steady drumbeat of redemptions, valuation concerns, and public criticism from credit heavyweights and even Epic Fury spread its toxic effect on financial market, Blackstone has gently acknowledged that its flagship private credit fund, BCRED, may not have been priced with absolute precision. The $83 billion vehicle posted its first monthly loss in over three years, a modest reminder that even “stable” $1.8 trillion markets occasionally rediscover volatility.

https://www.bcred.com/performance/

Naturally, the firm reassured investors that everything remains under control—highlighting relative outperformance, solid long-term returns, and the timeless argument that even in a worst-case scenario, losses would be… manageable.

https://x.com/blackstone/status/2035088934753935648

In private credit, it seems, marks are flexible, redemptions are negotiable, and reality is always just a few basis points away from reassurance.

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Barely 36 hours after unveiling an “end-of-the-world, take-it-or-leave-it” ultimatum—clearly crafted to impress the most apocalyptic voices in the room—the self-declared commander pivoted on cue, generously extending the deadline by five days. Apparently, Armageddon now comes with a flexible schedule and optional reminders.

The problem is that in a “holy war,” where both sides appear willing to pursue economic self-damage in service of ideological objectives, diplomacy rarely survives beyond the press release. No sooner are negotiations mentioned than they are dismissed, reflecting deeper, unresolved divisions that make durable resolution unlikely. In this environment, it is not if but when the next social media escalation will be carrying increasingly destabilizing implications.