I don’t claim to know anything, other than my spidey senses tell me something is off and that we are in spiritual warfare, boxed up to look like political, race, gender, class, contagion, financial or climate warfare.
It’s spiritual warfare.
Eight years ago in a psychiatric hospital somewhere in Kansas City, I ripped up my bedsheets by hand over two days and tied the strips into a rope and hung it over a window valance and stepped off the sill. The bolt in the wall didn’t hold…
And this was the beginning of my awakening, throwing me into dismantling my entire reality and all I believed to be true, and the more I “awaken,” the more I realize I have no idea what’s really going on.
I just try to stay out of pendulums, or severe sides where I look at stuff as black/white, good/bad, awakened/asleep.
I just try to accept where I am daily, and that everyone else in the world around me is in their own process and on their own timeline too. Some people’s timelines and processes may be harmful to me, so I pivot and go back to myself and more like minded people.
But what a ride.
And I avoid people who claim to know exactiy what’s going on. Only God does, and because of our free will, he’s watching a lot of this right beside us.
No one knows anything, and those that claim to are the ones swept up into the pendulums. We must learn to be centered in ourselves and in God and stop listening to and looking at the external world for guidance. Just because the world is off rails, doesn’t mean we have to be.
It’s spiritual warfare.
Eight years ago in a psychiatric hospital somewhere in Kansas City, I ripped up my bedsheets by hand over two days and tied the strips into a rope and hung it over a window valance and stepped off the sill. The bolt in the wall didn’t hold…
And this was the beginning of my awakening, throwing me into dismantling my entire reality and all I believed to be true, and the more I “awaken,” the more I realize I have no idea what’s really going on.
I just try to stay out of pendulums, or severe sides where I look at stuff as black/white, good/bad, awakened/asleep.
I just try to accept where I am daily, and that everyone else in the world around me is in their own process and on their own timeline too. Some people’s timelines and processes may be harmful to me, so I pivot and go back to myself and more like minded people.
But what a ride.
And I avoid people who claim to know exactiy what’s going on. Only God does, and because of our free will, he’s watching a lot of this right beside us.
No one knows anything, and those that claim to are the ones swept up into the pendulums. We must learn to be centered in ourselves and in God and stop listening to and looking at the external world for guidance. Just because the world is off rails, doesn’t mean we have to be.
Doctors are “practicing” medicine folks, and you’d best know what you’re doing if you step foot into a hospital or doctor’s office and know when to question what you’re being told.
I’ve found this to be true with integrative and holistic doctors too.
In 2012 my dad collapsed at his office and went into a hepatic coma after being under a hepatologist’s care for the previous seven years. Just visiting with his doctor one day I was shocked to learn that his diet had probably contributed to his liver failure since he didn’t drink alcohol, but the doctor laid in hard when I asked him why he hadn’t ever referred my dad to a nutritionist.
Thus began my journey into patient advocacy, and questioning what someone’s treatment plan is when under a doctor’s care. I quickly realized he was in liver failure, but the goal yak he was at was pumping him full of morphine. I demanded that he be transferred to the hospital his hepatologist was at (which took a week) and sat by his bedside and learned to start taking notes and questioning everything. The mistakes I caught from his food being served to medicine they were giving him were abhorrent, and had my sister and I not been there he’d have not made it. We had to push and advocate for everything, and we were a thorn in the side of everyone there.
Just a few weeks ago when I was in the ER, my chest sounded clear but the x-ray technician rolled in the x-ray cart. No thanks I said and declined. I just took my mom to her doctor the other day and at the end she complained of neck pain. The doctor ordered an x-ray, while I countered with a referral to a PT to have them work with her first.
Just a month ago in trying to work on the h pylori I’ve had for two years, a new doctor suggested a proton inhibitor. I asked him what the risks were and he said they’ve been tied to dementia. Nah—I’m good.
You have to ask, ask and ask again.
We have been brainwashed to implicitly trust people in white coats. We have to learn that first, we are the customer. We have to learn to ask—Why are we doing this? What are the risks? What are the long range plans here? Are there contraindications with any other drugs?
I’ve found this to be true with integrative and holistic doctors too.
In 2012 my dad collapsed at his office and went into a hepatic coma after being under a hepatologist’s care for the previous seven years. Just visiting with his doctor one day I was shocked to learn that his diet had probably contributed to his liver failure since he didn’t drink alcohol, but the doctor laid in hard when I asked him why he hadn’t ever referred my dad to a nutritionist.
Thus began my journey into patient advocacy, and questioning what someone’s treatment plan is when under a doctor’s care. I quickly realized he was in liver failure, but the goal yak he was at was pumping him full of morphine. I demanded that he be transferred to the hospital his hepatologist was at (which took a week) and sat by his bedside and learned to start taking notes and questioning everything. The mistakes I caught from his food being served to medicine they were giving him were abhorrent, and had my sister and I not been there he’d have not made it. We had to push and advocate for everything, and we were a thorn in the side of everyone there.
Just a few weeks ago when I was in the ER, my chest sounded clear but the x-ray technician rolled in the x-ray cart. No thanks I said and declined. I just took my mom to her doctor the other day and at the end she complained of neck pain. The doctor ordered an x-ray, while I countered with a referral to a PT to have them work with her first.
Just a month ago in trying to work on the h pylori I’ve had for two years, a new doctor suggested a proton inhibitor. I asked him what the risks were and he said they’ve been tied to dementia. Nah—I’m good.
You have to ask, ask and ask again.
We have been brainwashed to implicitly trust people in white coats. We have to learn that first, we are the customer. We have to learn to ask—Why are we doing this? What are the risks? What are the long range plans here? Are there contraindications with any other drugs?
This song came on the other day and I was immediately triggered and started crying. The last time I remember hearing it was in 2015, when my family and I were on a very special vacation to Hawaii, and I was sick beyond measure with “mental illness.”
What I was really experiencing was tolerance to benzodiazepines forming, because of my genetics, I metabolize benzos faster, so I would be in total withdrawal from them hours before I was due to have my next dose. The skin burning, brain zaps, feeling electrified, sleep starts like you are falling off of a cliff, hallucinations, akathasia (internal trembling) and despondency was something I endured for decades on these drugs, getting worse as I got older, reached tolerance to them and my trauma increased due to abuse in my marriage and from his family, as well as my therapist who blamed me for all wrong inside of my marriage, making me believe I was genetically flawed with “mental illness” and would need these drugs for the rest of my life.
I have now been off of all psychiatric drugs for over 8 years, and still some days my breath is taken away at the level of pain, suffering and mistreatment I experienced from professionals.
I remember on this vacation, I was barely abje to leave my room, and my light sensitivity was huge. I was shaking and could not GET IT TOGETHER. My family had left to go do excursions that day, my husband hissing at me wtf was wrong with me and get my shit together (and although he was abusive during our marriage, I don’t fault him this because he didn’t know—none of us did).
I just remember this song playing and me dancing around the room, reaching to God and then collapsing onto the floor wanting to die. My brain on fire and if you’ve experienced this, you know what I’m talking about. I so grieve for this younger version of me.
You can run DNA test to check for these, or you can figure out how to come off of the drugs like I did (I did two cold turkey withdrawals ignorantly so please don’t ask how I did it).
But my point is, if Pharma 𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙡𝙡𝙮 cared, pharmacogenetic testing would be standard practice before people are placed onto these drugs.
But they don’t.
What I was really experiencing was tolerance to benzodiazepines forming, because of my genetics, I metabolize benzos faster, so I would be in total withdrawal from them hours before I was due to have my next dose. The skin burning, brain zaps, feeling electrified, sleep starts like you are falling off of a cliff, hallucinations, akathasia (internal trembling) and despondency was something I endured for decades on these drugs, getting worse as I got older, reached tolerance to them and my trauma increased due to abuse in my marriage and from his family, as well as my therapist who blamed me for all wrong inside of my marriage, making me believe I was genetically flawed with “mental illness” and would need these drugs for the rest of my life.
I have now been off of all psychiatric drugs for over 8 years, and still some days my breath is taken away at the level of pain, suffering and mistreatment I experienced from professionals.
I remember on this vacation, I was barely abje to leave my room, and my light sensitivity was huge. I was shaking and could not GET IT TOGETHER. My family had left to go do excursions that day, my husband hissing at me wtf was wrong with me and get my shit together (and although he was abusive during our marriage, I don’t fault him this because he didn’t know—none of us did).
I just remember this song playing and me dancing around the room, reaching to God and then collapsing onto the floor wanting to die. My brain on fire and if you’ve experienced this, you know what I’m talking about. I so grieve for this younger version of me.
You can run DNA test to check for these, or you can figure out how to come off of the drugs like I did (I did two cold turkey withdrawals ignorantly so please don’t ask how I did it).
But my point is, if Pharma 𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙡𝙡𝙮 cared, pharmacogenetic testing would be standard practice before people are placed onto these drugs.
But they don’t.
A running list of modalities I tried until I really got clear on my patterns of fawning, defending and proving myself and made moves to get away from people I believed I had to show up to in those ways in order to “get along” and “keep the peace.” The dysfunction was shared between us—you just can’t see your part in it until you get away from it.
Your power is golden. And sometimes silence is golden too. Watch the way your body wants to react when someone attacks you or vehemently disagrees with you—catch it, and then detach instead of engaging. That’s real power.
Earth is a spiritual development school and we’ve been in a quick study the last few years.
But regardless, regardless of what’s going on outside of you, you’d better know who the hell YOU are and learn to define, refine and mold yourself into what you came here to do.
Energy flows where attention goes and they use our “loosh” to siphon our energy away from our purpose. It’s ok to be angry—we should be, but when anger becomes an obsession or a daily game of “gotcha” where you’re constantly calling them out and needing others to “see” it, you’ve entered the arena where you’re playing their game because your energy is fueling them.
We have to learn to observe what’s going on but not absorb it.
But regardless, regardless of what’s going on outside of you, you’d better know who the hell YOU are and learn to define, refine and mold yourself into what you came here to do.
Energy flows where attention goes and they use our “loosh” to siphon our energy away from our purpose. It’s ok to be angry—we should be, but when anger becomes an obsession or a daily game of “gotcha” where you’re constantly calling them out and needing others to “see” it, you’ve entered the arena where you’re playing their game because your energy is fueling them.
We have to learn to observe what’s going on but not absorb it.
Narcissists may be an overused term, but that doesn’t mean that they aren’t out there and you can’t get burned by them if you’re unaware.
It was Professor Sam Vaknin’s video I watched a few years ago where he spoke to this, and I’ve been unable to find it since, so please link it if you find it!!
Fascinating stuff as he is a diagnosed NPD and knows the inner workings of people with such unresolved trauma from their childhood that in order to be scape the intense shame they feel they create a false persona and send their real soul underground, believing it’s not safe.
It’s imperative to state your bondariee in relationships early on, because narcissists don’t like limits or being told no, so observe and watch closely if someone is respectful of what’s important to you.
It was Professor Sam Vaknin’s video I watched a few years ago where he spoke to this, and I’ve been unable to find it since, so please link it if you find it!!
Fascinating stuff as he is a diagnosed NPD and knows the inner workings of people with such unresolved trauma from their childhood that in order to be scape the intense shame they feel they create a false persona and send their real soul underground, believing it’s not safe.
It’s imperative to state your bondariee in relationships early on, because narcissists don’t like limits or being told no, so observe and watch closely if someone is respectful of what’s important to you.
I finally have some clarity around the intense symptoms I have been struggling with for months and am actually excited to finally be on the path to healing. I hope you all are well and I will be back once I am feeling better physically. ❤️ EDITED to add: i am testing NEGATIVE for mold and heavy metal exposure. That part of my system seems to be functioning well. 🙏🏻