I don’t think people understand that depression is constant. Some days it doesn’t feel as heavy, it doesn't tug and pull as hard. And other days, it knocks you down before you can even get out of bed. 

Ah depression and anxiety, my two controversial friends that have placed me in a non-consensual three-way relationship which is often very difficult to deal with. I can wake up some days and feel like I’m ready to take on anything. But on one side of the bed, I’ll have my anxiety badgering me about the million and one things that will go wrong today. And on the other side of the bed, my depression will remind me about the social event that I’ll be taking part in later that evening and casually reminding me that no matter how confident I’ll appear to be, that the people I think that love me in fact don’t, they’d rather I not be there, and that I’m weak and eventually push everyone I love away from me. And then I get up and get on with my day, after crying on my pillow, and admitting defeat.

Some would call me over-emotional. Some will tell me, and have told me before, to simply move past my problems and carry on. Some people just don’t understand how you can’t just put the thing that’s worrying you, or dragging you down, in the bin and never look back. Sometimes I am able to do this, and I feel better. But when I can’t, please understand that it’s not that I don’t want to feel happy or stop my brain racing. Believe me, if I could do it all the time, I would. But I am constantly battling my anxiety and depression, and sometimes they win, and it can be hard to control. Imagine playing your favourite video game and you have the controller, but sometimes, the controls will bug out, not work like they should, and it starts ruining your game. That is what my anxiety and depression feel like to me.

I don’t blame people that don’t understand my anxiety and depression, I really don’t. From an outsider looking in, it may just look like I’m over-reacting, that I’m dramatic and attention seeking. I’m very aware of what it may look like, but I promise it is not that. I take antidepressants to help keep my anxiety and depression on the low-down, but that doesn’t mean that I am ‘cured’. It also doesn’t mean that I am sick, or that I can’t be like anyone else, do things that everyone else can and live a relatively normal life. Because I can. I just occasionally put my training wheels back on when I feel like I need them.

I don’t need you to tell me to ‘stop worrying’ because I will always worry, even if my face and body language says otherwise. I sometimes need that reassurance that everything is ok, that I am loved, and that you won’t leave me when I need you the most, even if in the depths of my brain, my depression is telling me it’s not true. But I also don’t need you to be afraid of me, because underneath the dark cloud that my anxiety and depression form, there’s a normal human being who wants to be loved, is kind, understanding, has a sense of humour (or so I’d like to think) and always tries to put a smile on her face and on other people’s, even if it feels like I’m losing my battle.

Today has been a day where my anxiety and depression defeated me but writing this is my way of taking back control. It is temporary, and I have accepted that, but I’ll bounce back because I always do😏.

Empty.

They say you should smile more
Darling show your eyes more
Aren't you satisfied?
I am tired of trying to please them
..............
Let me go I don't need you to wipe my tears

Constant feeling of tiredness...

Anxiety.

Depression.

Anger.

Mad impulse towards one's self.

Mad impulse towards God.

Constant change of moods.

Exhaustion.

She dreamt of a love that was really something not just the idea of something

Feeling numb is still a feeling

You used to go to this very dark place out of all these places you could find filled with blaze but no...as dark as you may be you choose the darkest place you might go to...but now I think of it maybe you were so sick of seeing yourself burn yourself to the ground....maybe you were afraid of dropping your life like the cigar you are soon to burn and step on it and turn your almost ash life into a complete ash....
As soon as you lit that cigar your face dimmed more than ever....it was like with the smoke came your thousand years of sadness and with the ash came the past you cannot burn.....
-Yeab T🥀-

One day without no big reason while you are living your usual messed up life you will feel tired of everything as if the weight of the world is on your shoulders. You'll feel as if your lungs and heart are tired fighting for you. You don't wanna cry or slit or sleep or forget or wish for all of it to go away. You'll find yourself longing for the END of it all...the conclusion for this no good of a life. At that exact moment you'll find yourself fighting to breathe without actually wanting to breathe. You'll pray to God to give you the potion of peace and he will turn his back on you. The world will look at you with a smirk on its face secretly filled with pleasure of seeing you crumble. Not God Not the world Not you can make it all disappear. And as feeble as you are you'll close your eyes and feel your painful tears pay visit to your dry chicks...you'll sit in the darkness with accompanying loneliness,helpless.
-Yeab T🌑-

i just want one motherfucking moment of peace.

• @regretletters •

but that's the things about letting someone open you up and play with your heart, they never sew you back up afterwards!

• @regretletters •