Why are my emotions always defiant? Why am I ruled by barren things?

They ask me the thing that derives me to wake up and expect an answer from me. I am forced by unknown force to leave my dream and my unconsciousness,literally nothing comes to my mind while I hear that question. I can't not wake up. I am forced.

*MAD IMPULSE TO SMASH SOMETHING .........OR MYSELF*

You spend your whole life looking for answers because you think the next answer will change something. Maybe make you a little less miserable. You know that when you run out of questions you don't just run out of answers.YOU RUN OUT OF HOPE.

All I ever wanted was to feel at home,to feel content on the presence of the people I love most in this world,people I have returned from death cliff for and you,you took that from me.

And I will always hate you for that.

I don't want you to touch me or hug me.

I don't want the anger to take over me.

I wanna hide in this hatred my entire life.

I am destined to be in this darkness. There is no light for souls like me. We have to let ourselves believe that.