"እሺ በልና ግን
ዛሬን ብቻ ልድከም.......
.......
.......ዛሬን ግን እንቢ አትበል
“እሺ” በል ይልቅስ
ትንሽ እንባ ላፍስስ
ትንሽ ብቻ ላልቅስ"
What my heart constantly utters these days.

"Memory is a strange thing. It doesn't work like i thought it did. We are so bound by time....by its order...but now i am not so sure i believe in beginnings and endings. There are days that define your story beyond your life."

I watched a movie today called "love at first sight". Don't worry its not as bad as it sounds. Actually it was a great movie. what I am here to do though isn't rate the movie or give critics about it but rather talk about a sentence mentioned in the movie which is an excerpt from a book called "our mutual friend" which says "Is it better to have had experienced something and lost it than to not have had experienced it at all?" This has been a major thought in my head for the past few months as I am faced with a decision regarding this. Most of the thought emanating from the pain of losing what is extremely cherished. I keep having a conversation with this person in my head asking them "Is it better to not have known you to begin with than to face the pain of losing you?" and each part of me answers my own question saying "I would experience the loss again and again just to experience loving you again and again in different lifetimes across different time zones and different areas." and no part of that answer is sweetened to somehow create a beautiful writing out of this. I also cannot seem to stop thinking that a goodbye whether prepared for or not is still the most painful thing one can ever experience. One can never be too prepared for grief that it eventually doesn't hurt.

Last year around this time I posted this:

When my brother finally decided to struggle his way out of his mental illness he planted a tree. The worst part about mental illness is everything you worked hard for could fall into pieces any moment. A minor inconvenience could make you go zero any day at any moment leaving vivid images of how long you have come. I guess what my brother wanted to be reminded of is how long he has come. That even if he was oblivious to all the changes that another life that started its pace with him is still breathing. I guess he wanted to see in the survival of the plant that "one step forward three steps back" or " not wanting to eat or drink or be a human somedays" is still growth. That despite what his head says he is still breathing. And that it is enough.

This week I planted a flower. It has an effect እውነት!

"ሁለት ወደኋላ አንድ ተራምዶ
የምሄድ መስዬ እያየሁ ማዶ
አደናቀፈኝ ያላየሁት ነዶ
ህልሙም ጠፋብኝ ያየሁት ድሮ
ለውጬው ይሆናል........."

ስለነገ ማን ይሆን ቃል የገባልን? መኖራችንን ሳናውቅ እንደዚህ በሀሳብ የምንናጠው?

This!

Do we ever love the person or the attention we have been given....I am yet to find an answer.

I went on a walk today. And as i was just observing the city and the sky(which I feel likes to make a statment by always being this beautiful) I realized that I can count the times that i took a walk out in this city with just one hand. So much to be seen and to experience. So many places to be. So many people to be with. Yet not present always running and sweating for an unpromised tommorow. Always ready for sacrifices. Little do we know that in those sacrifices we make we are betraying ourselves and stealing from its desires to be freely human and be present on all that goes on around it. That will always break my heart.

In a failed voice message that didn't actually reach my friend I tried to express this same idea to her. And How I feel like I have lost so much of myself at some point in my walk but I dont know where or how or even when. Its like coming back to your home after a long time abroad only to find out day by day that important things in your house have been missing. Things that you treasure most and values you have upheld your entire life are just gone. And as if you weren't given consent when it happened, the realization that you have exchanged things for something with less value just sets you off. The realization that so much of you lies bound to a distant past makes you grieve. Its amazing how we are living each day but somehow fail to be present in all that happens within us.