I have always felt like the reason I despise most people in my life in one way or the other is because they remind me a certain point of my life that i don't want to look back to....a certain version of myself I so not want to entertain the thought of. People that remind me that I amnot seen enough or worthy enough to be heard. People mostly that remind me of my vulnerability and certain times where I allowed myself to be 'human' to later on regret. People that I let witness my fears for them to just brush it off or belittle my path or where i come from and so much of what made me me. People that don't treasure my roots or find ways to ridicule it in the middle of a conversation. That throw insensitive comments here and there. I have understood that one could shower me with so much love but could find the most little way to harden it. ውስጣችሁ ሻክሮባችሁ አያውቅም towards a person? I sat with my sister yesterday as she explained to me why her current relationship is not working and why she cannot accept him fully."He reminds me that i amnot loved. He reminds me the same feeling I grew up with as a woman.....that I amnot needed. He reminds me of how I spent most of my life seeking the validation of men because I didn't feel worthy enough on my own." The relationships we have with people,who we are in that relationship and how we deal with them has a lot to do with the memories they burnt within us. I can't help but think how much of me not going easy on myself or being the worst critic or on somedays not loving myself enough has a lot to do with how i treated myself or the thoughts i keep reminding myself till i make myself sick...what mistreatments I just went along with with a little smirk or a 'lol'....times where i acted like i wasnot thought my ABCs to order words to stand up for myself. Times when I let people stay as they are because I didn't want them to leave. Maybe unlearning and relearning love for myself is taking a long while because it is myself that i am dealing with and not others. It is myself i have to teach respect,faithfulness,outspokenness,acceptance,gentleness and forgiveness with enough harshness to imprint it fully and just enough kindness to remind myself that i am "home" for myself.

-Yeab T

Choose honesty. There comes a sense of safety from it. For yourself and for others too.

In search of Journey

@Yafet_Geberezgi

".....There is a thick fog covering everything only letting a small silhouette of the truth through.
It's hard to differ a blessing from a curse."

የሰው ልጅ ጠባይና ባሕርይ እጅጉን ይገርማል።
አንዳንዴ የምንፈልገው ነገር እውነትም የምንፈልገውን ነው? አንዳንዴ የምናሳድደው በእርግጥም መያዝ የምንሻውን ነው? ወይስ ከመያዝ ይልቅ በማሳደድ ውስጥ፣ ከማግኘት ይልቅም በመፈለግ ውስጥ ምሥጢር አለ?
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አንዲትን ሴት አጥብቆ የሚፈልግ ሰው ገጥሞኝ ያውቃል። ሁሌም ቀልቧን ለመማረክ ጥረት ያደርጋል። በአፍላ ትውውቃቸው ወቅት እሷን ካገኘ ከዓለም ምንም እንደማይፈልግ ይነግረኝ ነበር። ያቺ ሴት በዚያ ወቅት ፍጹም ናት። ንጽሕት ናት። መንፈሱንና ልቡን ሁሉ ሞልታ ነበር። ብዙ ደጅ ጠንቶ የራሱ አደረጋት። የራሱ ከሆነች ቀን ጀምሮ ግን ዋጋዋ ቀንሶ ታየው። ቀድሞ ያልተገለጠ ነጭናጫነቷ የታየው መሰለው። ንጽሕናዋ ፍጽምናዋ ሁሉ ጠፋበት። ውበቷ ሀሰት ሀሰት ሆነበት። “ምን ሆኜ ነበር?” “ምን አስነክታኝ ነበር?” እያለ ለኃጢአቱ ምክንያት ሰጠ።
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ለውጡ ግን የምንም ሳይሆን የቦታ ለውጥ ነበር። ድሮ ሲያሳድዳት ከፊቱ ነበረች። አኹን ከእጅ መዳፉ ላይ ነች።
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አንዳንድ ነገሮች መፈለግ ላይ ብቻ መቆም አለባቸው ? አንዳንድ ነገሮችን አሳድደን ባንይዛቸው ይሻላል? ስኬት የጥረትን ያኽል ጣዕም የለውም? የለውም ወይ?
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ይህ ሰው ምክንያት ፈልጎ ራቃት። ምክንያት ፈልጋ በተራዋ ፈለገችው። የማግኘት ስካር ሲያፋንነው የእልኋን ተከተለችው። ድሮ የተለመነችው በተራዋ ለመነች። አስለመነች። ምናልባት እሷም የተመኘችው ፈልጎ የማግኘትን ጣዕም መቅመስ፣ ሮጦ የመድረስን ሕልም ማሳካት እንጂ እሱን አልነበረም። ሁለቱም በውስጣቸው ያለውን ዕረፍት አልባ ተቅበዝባዥ ሰይጣን ለማገልገል ታተሩ እንጂ በውስጣቸው ፍቅር የለም —ቅንጣት እንኳ።
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ጠቢቡ ሶሎሞን የደረሰበት ይኽ ነው። “ሁሉ ከንቱ የከንቱ ከንቱ” ለማለት ያበቃውን መሰልቸት ለመረዳት ሰሎሞን መኾንን ይጠይቃል። የመድረስ መከራ ኃያል ነውና ሰሎሞን በሎሌው ይቀና እንደኾነ ማን ያውቃል ? የሞላለት ከበርቴ ጌታ ለማኝ መኾን ይሻ እንደሆነ እንዴት ይታሰባል ?
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እንደዚህ በነፍስ ፈልጌያቸው ሳገኛቸው እንደ ጉም የሆኑብኝ … ልኾን ተመኝቻቸው ስሆን ደም እንባ ያስለቀሱኝ … እድሜዬን፣ ገንዘቤን ፣ ጥረቴን ሁሉ ሰጥቻቸው ሲሳካ “ተሳካ የልቤ ሞላ” ከማለት ይልቅ በዓይኔ እንኳ ለማየት ያስጠሉኝ፣ ያንገሸገሹኝ፣ የቀፈፉኝ ብዙ ነገሮች አሉ። ሰዎች እንደ ዕድለኛ በሚቆጥሩኝ ነገር፣ “ታድለህ”በሚሉኝ ነገር፣ እኔን መኾን በተመኙባቸው አንዳንድ ነገሮች እኔ ግን አጥንቴ ድረስ ታምሜ ዐውቃለኹ። ሰው ከእኔ የተመኘውን ነገር እንደ ልብስ አውልቄ ብሰጠው ተመኝቻለኹ።
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የምፈልገውን ነገር እፈልገዋለኹ? መሄድ የምሻበት ሀገር መኖር እፈልጋለኹ ? ሰው የምኞቱ ባርያ የፍላጎቱም ሎሌ ነው። አንዳንዴ እርካታ ፍላጎትን፣ ማግኘትም ጣዕምን ያሳድዳሉ። መድረስ ዋጋውን የማይቀንሰው ደስታ ምንድነው ? ማግኘት የማያደበዝዘው መንገድ ምንድነው? በየቀኑ እንደ ዐዲስ በመገረም ሊሞላኝ የሚችል ነገር ምንድነው? ይህንን ደስታ ለራሴ እመኛለኹ። ይህንን እርካታ ለሰው ሁሉ እመኘዋለኹ። ካልኾነ ግን መንገዴን በእሾኽ ይጠረው፣ በጥርብ ድንጋይም ይዝጋው። አብረውኝ በማይከርሙ ደስታዎች ተሰላችቼያለኹ።

I fear familiarity. I fear when it becomes too much that it creates disrespect between people. I think that maybe that is the reason i have kept most of my relationships distant enough my entire life.

Growing up my mom preached to us almost everytime about the need of ሰው....me and my siblings werenot that much fond of the idea. We liked our personal space and having only few people around. It was always a struggle feeling comfortable when እንግዳ came to visit and more painful when they stayed for a long time. Even in family gatherings our mom introduced everyone to us saying"አጎትሽ ነው" or "አክስትሽ ናት" even though we know we werenot tiny bit related in blood to most of them. Yet she said "ሰው ማወቅ ጥሩ ነው መቼ እንደሚጠቅማችሁ አታውቁም"

People loved my mom because she was always present for them. ሰርግ.መልስ. ልጅ ሲወለድ. ሰው ሲሞት. She is always with people. And I saw that pay her forward in good in my tiny life.My dad was mostly the silent and restricted one and we took most of our genes from him yet he too also saw the importance of this.

ግቢ የገባሁ ጊዜ my mom stayed almost a week and in that span of time she introduced me to everyone. Most of the ግቢ ዘበኞች knew me they carried my bag ከbreak ስመለስ.....kept an eye on me...even prayed for me with their wives. Even my friends whom I love I was introduced to through her.

Having spent the past couple of months away from people and isolated in a a certain way showed me that in the few moments I spend with people in the middle I feel something in me being liberated. I feel alive in a way. They become a good escape from my brain that always kept humming. Despite loving personal space, healthy amount of relationship with people is essential.My mom was right in this...የሰው ልጅ is indeed መድሀኒት but also should be taken in the right dosage.