This!!!🖤🤌🏽

Literally the main thought in my brain for a long time.

Everywhere I go I wanted to be somewhere else. Every thing I got my hands on made me crave something more.

My brother on the notebook he got for his 20 something birthday wrote on the front page "ኡፍ!ማደግ ይጨንቃል".....I am always reminded of it.

This!

I listened to a poetry and this line struck me the most...."I am learning how to be a human without being whole." I thought i should share it with you because my heart needed the reminder that its ok. Yours might too.🖤

It has also a lot to do with was what was not there. Empty sofas on saturday afternoon. No family morning breakfasts on sunday after church. My dad slowly making his way to nap my mom purposely killing time at church just to avoid us. Looking at it now I amnot sure whether she really loved the outside gatherings or she just wanted a place to run to to escape from the guilt her brain gives her for not doing enough as a mother or a wife. It was also not being walked to school. Having to learn to be the independent one who didnt rely on their parents since childhood and the sickness of hyperindependence you have as an adult. Its having your sister make your school lunch cause your mom just couldn't. And its also being suffocated as an adult to anyone showing you small caring gestures because you have never been shown love for simply existing without being asked for anything in return. Its the silent dinner easter midnight while wanting so much to crack a joke but crippled in fear of being replied with a grim face. Its also hateing holidays and being disgusted when you listen to any በአል ዘፈን. Its የመስቀል ደመራ burning on its own in silence as my whole family watched it instead of dancing in happiness for entering a new year. Its also my childhood that burns with it. Each word my mom carelessly said. Each word my father never uttered. Empty living rooms that still make you tear up in sadness. Its not wanting to get up and move on holidays because every step is a reminder of the family you are not. Even though i am deeply grateful its also my dad being always at work. Its watching his sad tired face that havent spoken love language ever since he was 11 with a desire to run back to his mom's arms and just be a child....not responsible for anyone. Its also the child I have never been because my mom and dad were also children in old people bodies that don't know how to raise a child.
-Yeab T

Verbalized my thoughts🖤