Why home, doesn't feel like a home anymore? It feels like we're trapped here. It feels like a cage here, where I can't go beyond the door or their expectations, even if there will be a rain of taunts. You're no longer allowed to raise a voice against them, even if it's for your survival. The only thing you can do is, eat with trembling hands while having tears in your eyes. And you're not allowed even to cry, you're not allowed to shed visible tears. Because it sends them a message that you don't love them anymore. And they are not ready for this type of rejection. Even they are not ready for any kind of rejection. If they have said to stand, you should stand still even though there is no ground to stand on, just an open space in hell, the only space that feels like home.

Home is not a paradise anymore. They moved it a bit up in the corner. Now you have to bear unbearable taunts, anger to get there.

So if you're a survivor, you'll reach there while having your body ripped, and anyone can notice if they are strong enough to open your skin. The cover I told you about, got ripped off while maintaining the silence in my house. Now everything is visible on my skin, in my eyes, and in my voice. Anyone can notice the shaking tone shift whenever someone asks me, "How's home?"

Because I'm scared to tell them that "Home does not feels like home anymore."

What if you never had a past "home" to compare with it with? What if home was just always viewed from a far and not experienced to begin with? Or is that just me?

As it shows up in you too.

For now To have አያት to talk calmly to or to just suffocate my nephew with love would be a good coping mechanism can't lie.

I think we all deserve to be loved on how our hearts want to be loved. Specifically on our own way. A few weeks back i was talking with a friend and I asked him "Do you think we should love people on how they want to be loved or how we want to love them or can love them?" I don't remember what he replied it must not have been satisfying enough. But that single question cannot seem to leave my mind. Will it not be too much of a weight to love people for all their brokeness and needs however their heart requires? Will it also not limit the real essence of love if we tend to their hearts however we choose to and ignore all its "this is how and where you should love me" flags?
-Yeab T

Growing up without being shown any real form of affection is all fun and games until you grow up to be an adult who takes the most mundane and bare minimum actions as grand and expect less for themselves.

Some warmth for your heart.

Welp

I claim to love everyone. And in my own self-destructive twisted traumatized people-pleasing way I do. Yes, you don't have to tell me that it isn't love. But that's what I used to call it. I still have issues recognizing it and denying that it isn't. It's like those Chinese knock-off shoes. You put them on, thinking they are the originals but boy does the material burn against your feet. And now even against your heart. It burns even as badly as the metaphor I used.

.

There is something about midnight time that just sings out peaceful. Most coming from the world being asleep,your voices can roam around your mind freely. Without limits. Without having to be disturbed with unnecesarry purposeless conversations that won't do anyone any good. Even your most disturbing thoughts are somehow safe as if the timing is trying to fool you into thinking that your misery is ending too as the night ends and sunrise approaches. Coming back from the library which is in another building across the street from our dormitory....just walking that crossby looking both sides into the quiet streets I have to fight the urge to not just take a long walk at 8 in the midnight. I would just imagine what the guard will do and just kill the thought.But ማለም አይከለከልም.... He will Probably think I am possesed by a demon....

I think it will be a complete truth to say that I feel less alone in the night than the day time. There is this comforting company the moon,the night breeze and the peaceful SILENCE the give(not trying to romanticize or whatever) than a loved one's hug. I also feel more close to him at this time and everything he says flows through my soul abundantly.
-Yeab T

This!