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Being my parent's child feels like.....
Audio
episode03 - ሦስት ኪሎ podcast: ለመውደቅ ግን ተሥፋ አለኝ • https://anchor.fm/leoul-zewelde/episodes/ep-ers6ub
በዝምታ ውስጥ ፈልሰው የሚገቡ ብዙ ድምፆች አሉ። በዝምታ ውስጥ ያለፈ ሰላም ሽታ አለ። አዲስ ጬኸቶችም ቦታቸውን ይዘው ያውዳሉ። በየጥጋጥጉ ተሰግስገው በዝንጉነት የተረሱ ቁስሎችም አልፎ አልፎ ወይንም ብዙውን ጊዜ በሚባል ሁኔታ በሽታቸው ዙሪያውን ያከረፋሉ። ዝምታ የጩከት ለውጥ እንጂ ሙሉ ዝምታ አይደለም። በዝምታ ውስጥ በአለም ግርግር ሸፋፍነን ልናልፋቸው የሞከርናቸው ትናንሽ የመሰሉ ብሶቶች ድሀ ልጆቿን ለጦርነት ገብራ በጓዳዋ እንደምታነባ.....አልፎ አልፎ ሠርቆ ከሚወጣው ዋይታዋ ውጭ ብዙም የማይሰሙ እንደ መርፌ ኮሽታ ያሉ ህመሞች.....እነዚህ ሁሉ መድረክ ይይዛሉ። ይሄ ዝምታ ሰላም አለው። ይሄ ዝምታ ያደግኩበትን ወና ቤት ያስታውሰኛል። ቤት ቤት ይሸታል........💔
-የአብ ተ
-የአብ ተ
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To live....a bit tilting towards just existing or a whole lot more...
So much of life is crumpled up in all the things we fear to be. All the parts of us we fear to acknowledge knowing very well they are what set us free. So much of myself is found in all my so long forgotten childhood memories. So much of myself also existed in the parts of me that didnt want to just survive. So much of myself existed on the person i wish i was around people i call my own...comfortably. so much of myself existed around the thoughts flowing constantly in my brain. So much of myself existed around the kind of peaceful talks my soul yearns for. So much of me exists in the person i wish my parents saw through me. So much of who i am existed much more than academic validation. So much of who I am existed so much more than my mental illness....or even my loneliness. So much of myself lies in unsent letters for myself telling me to just be a little kind to myself and the body that carries me.
-Yeab T
-Yeab T
One day at a time I might be able to forgive others for how they intentionally or unintentionally ridiculed my heart and pure love....but I doubt I will be able to forgive myself for accepting it all and just telling myself to stay a little bit longer.
I think a certain attachment to nature....of both human's and the surrounding environment comes with its own cup of suffering as its relief. The loneliness that exists in being solely aware of the beauty each hold despite their disruption. There is a loneliness in wanting them to be more than what the world has made them to be. A huge bomb that goes off for the damage done.
-Yeab T
-Yeab T
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Maybe....just maybe words are some part of the justice life has got to offer.🖤
In longing for who I wish to be I get up make my bed...wash my face put a normal not so normal hobo looking cloth on(and a normal shoes to act like I got my shit together.) Make small conversations here and there to honor the social animal within me. Sometimes we get stranded so much from ourselves in the need to make others feel comfortable putting ourselves in the line for everyone to walk over. Cause noone thought us anything about boundaries or empathy that doesn't cost you yourself in the process. After a long class of constantly zoning out and dreaming of a somehow different life on the end of a very different spectrum....till the lecturer calls my name and I piece togeteher answer from the past 15 years of academics( I can't lie i love that my favorite teacher whose voice sounds like those የሬድዮ ተራኪዎች knows my name)....then get back to my almost legally secluded home type dorm bed and wonder how much of myself I have let go off in the need to fit in others. I weep a little or a whole lot more depending on how close my emotions are to me Or i just lay on my back and talk to the heavenly father more of spill all the ብሶት there is. And then it all goes in a loop constantly. Without a change. At this point i don't know which feels more suffocating....the constant cycle of this draining life or the choices I have to make even though they hurt just to keep on going another day.
-Yeab T
-Yeab T
How do you know? How do you know you are protecting yourself from the effects of your trauma or living?
በመንገዴ
https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMFHUCDng/
Because i couldn't save it and she was able to say everything .
I was walking with a friend and he told me he has been in a good place these days. And that he especially feels a bit better today....in which he preceded to say "ለጤናዬ ይሁን"....it broke my heart to hear him say that. Because i also say those things to myself too. ደና መሆንን ፈርታችሁ ታቃላችሁ? like your happiness is running out like an hour glass and if ever you smile a little more or talk a little more....not torture yourself with negative thoughts or love a bit deeper and a bit more vulnerably it would run out faster....ከመኖር ራሳችሁን ገድባችሁስ ታቃላችሁ....ነገን ለማየት ዛሬን ከራሳችሁ ነጥቃችሁ?
-Yeab T
-Yeab T
A single phone call to my mom and I questioned whether I actually healed from all that holds me back or I havenot. Whether I have actually dealt and made peace with everything or just distance እያባበለኝ ነው ያለሁት....Denial becomes a way of living when things become heavy መሰለኝ....ለሰው የሚያደነዝዝ ህመም በድን እኔነቴን አልፎ መግባት ሲያቅተው ነበር የተረዳሁት....እራሴን እየሸነገልኩ በ"ምንም አልሆንሽም" ለደለልኩባቸው ቀናት ፍትህ ጠያቂ ማን ይሆን? ተቀባይስ? ከሳሽም ተከሳሽም አንድ ሰው ይሆናል እንዴ?
-Yeab T
-Yeab T
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Just a reminder in the morning that abeauty exists here too.🖤