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A little rant
I dont know what it took to be aware. It all feels like i knew somehow in the back of my mind that i was steering downhill but i just kind off brushed it off with the usual "be grateful" phrase you throw whenever you fear judgement.this is me as naked as it goes. just like the old days. i think it took a while for this to come,አይደል? your girl was serving capitalism disguised as a dream. med school is really not the best place to be for anyone(truth be told) especially for a person as anxious and depressed as me. Imagine not wanting to get up and be a human most days but you have to becasue a 4 hour class is waiting for you followed by discussion with a bunch of genius wannna-bes for 2 hours about diseases even your lectureres never heard of. you are right i might probably be the most unfit of all. God only knows how many ጨጎራ disguised depression sick leaves are to come in the coming years. that is if there are any coming years here. everyday feels like dragging a body bag. well there are some good days but those good days are relative. i feel like at this point i would be amazed by days i feel healthy rather than sick. I also saw that the world has its way of making you its own no matter how much you refuse. I saw myself silently accepting injustice everywhere because i just "Have to live with it". because i dont have to be opinionated about everything or just have to fit in and dont ask too many questions. that part in the movie where they say "i dont recognize myself in the mirror" is no joke. I didnot know how i got to these points-dark circles around my eyes-i wonder how long i could go on before i fall unconscious. I cant lie that would be a good break. just to be unconscious for 1 የብርሃን አመት. joint pains that feel like my body is trying to consume itself to the ground. Words i didn't say and couldn't say are day by day acccmulating on my chest making it hard to breathe. Can you believe i almost brought another poor soul into this mess...dont worry not a baby. just a man. a poor pure hearted man I didnt want to lose because he was not one to miss. Ata boy! to the recurrent trauma responses we freed the poor human from the shackles of a mess called "my life." i guess he really got his moms blessings. I made peace with humans that drained every part of me and took for granted ones that wanted to heal me. but one thing hasn't changed እስካሁን. I still decieve myself that i am ok and then fall to a pit of nothingness. i dont learn እሱን ነው የተረዳሁት. ቀኑ ዝምብሎ ይሮጣል I think i am ok then voila---not getting out of bed,struggling to sleep,forget or dont want to eat decent human food and cut off everyone. i amnot gonnna lie i did give myself pleasure of ጲውing myself as a relief. anything to escape አይደል?

Here goes that "you got this. dont give up" part you have all been waiting for. ባክሽ ለራስሽ ዋጪው እንዳትሉኝ. i will just say this gene "one day at atime" eshi. whatever you are going through. And a small tip---get out of bed even if its really not that kind of days for you.l believe me for someone who lived with this shit for almost 8 years this does work a bit. Get that bit of sunlight-get the perk of living in living in your 12 month of sunshine country-one thing that is still free በዚህ ኑሮ ውድነት. and i might be like your high school counselor for repeating this again and again but do talk to someone. believe me we are all the same miserable humans with a bit different twist to everyone of our lives. like how me and debbie send " we got this and its gonna be ok" texts to eachother even though we highly doubt it at this point. Atleast you will have buddies to share relatable tiktoks to. and please bore me with the details of your traumas and day to day life. Just kidding. my dms have been really dry lately....maybe i just shouldnt have let go of that man...ገልቱ me i guess.

-Yeab as real a sit gets

‍My heart is bound in you, the bond of the earth with plants.

Why is this so wholesome?

አንዳንዴ ውሃ ጠምቶም ብርጭቆ ማንሳት ይደክማል?

Not me tearing up🖤

There are downsides and upsides to love. I dont know which weighs more. I dont know if we even count the downsides when the upsides exist to illuminate all that is painful. Love is love. I think that is the best definition I could go on by now. All words will be too rigid and too confined to just express them with. I will say this again I think we will forever fall on expressing it truly....fully. I don't believe that there will be more of a pain than not being able to save the ones you love. To have hands and legs that are crippled. To feel like you are running on a treadmill. Exhaustion but still in the same place. Heart beat racing. Muscles drained. But still there. The deep urge to throw the "why?" Out to the lord but to have his love illuminate it all. If you ask me I don't know exactly how many distractions I have left. How many delusions I have yet to speak to myself. How many "you got this" i have. I am afraid of facing the truth. I am afraid that I have already faced it and grown numb to it. There is no beauty in this. Its painful and that is what it is. Sometimes its that fact we just have to accept. Give up? I don't think so.

If this makes any sense.

The best of both worlds i guess😭😭😭

I don't know who needs to hear this but Go easy on your heart!