"I believe in the kind of love that doesn't demand me to prove my worth and sit in anxiety. I crave a natural connection, where my soul is able to recognize a feeling of home in another. Something free-flowing, something simple. Something that allows me to be me without question..."

My heart's longing!🖤

"I am a Doctor, now a patient who had been denied the right to medical care."

Dear Hakim I am a GP working at one of the Referal Hospitals in the Amhara region. I have been diagnosed with MDD, I also suffer from panic disorder.

I have been trying to get medical help for my mental health. My family on the other side thinks that I have been possessed by some demon or evil spirit.

Three days ago, They took me against my will to a holy water site located in Bahir-Dar. They rented a small house next to the church which was poorly built and infested with bugs.

When I tried to run away, they put chains on my legs so that I can't scape. I fell and hurt myself while trying to get away. I grazed my knees, my lower lip and chin. My chin still hurts.

They took my phone away from me. I managed to contact my friends on Facebook to come to my rescue using my mothers phone and to send the pictures you see below.

On the first day we went to the church, they put me inside a small space. The holy water was coming out of a water pipe that was approximately at two meters height above me. It was coming down on me at a high pressure and made breathing difficult. This triggered a panic attack and I started gasping for air and hyperventilating which they attributed to being the work of the devil and him reacting to the holy water.

At this point the priest brought a huge metal cross and started to repeatedly hit my back with it leaving bruises over my back. I felt the burning sensation. My mother was there witnessing everything.

I looked up at her and started pleading. "Please mom make him stop, I can't breath!". To that she said "shut up satan!". I felt helpless.

How can my mother be this cruel? I had to endure it for a few more minutes which felt like an eternity. It was finally over and we went back to the place they rented. She made me drink holy water and said if I refuse, she will bring in the priest with the huge metal cross and make him beat me till I agree to drink the holy water. So I complied. And then I was asked to eat some food. I refused. Again she threatened me with the priest and his cross. But I stood my ground and went on a hunger strike.

At this point I was feeling helpless and powerless, it felt like the only thing i had control over was whether I decide to eat or not. So I told her no matter what she does to me I will not eat.

After a few minutes I started getting another panic attack. The thought of going back to the holy water site was terrifying. I couldn't breath, I can feel my throat closing up. At this point I started begging my mom to take me to the hospital and told her I might die. Her response, "I am not going to take you anywhere if you die here, you die here!".

I couldn't believe the words I was hearing that were coming out of her mouth. She brought a water bottle filled with holy water and started splashing it on my head and face while repeatedly saying 'ልቀቅ! ሰይጣን ልቀቅ!'

At some point i knew it was pointless to beg her to try to save me. It was clear to me that she was convinced that she was conversing with whatever possessed me and not her daughter.

I felt hopeless but I tried to calm myself and started to breath slowly. The panic attack resolved after a few minutes. All I can do at this point is cry.

I was defeated, I was suicidal. I had a razor blade in my pocket when they brought me in. Just in case things get out of control, I would just slit my wrist. I went to the toilet with the razor blade and tried to slit my wrist. But I could not go through with it. My hands started shaking. So I decided to try again later after I have summoned enough strength to actually do it.

In the mean time, I asked my mother to give me her phone for a few minutes. I did not think she would say yes but she did. So I got on Facebook and tried to say my goodbyes and explain my situation to a few friends. They are the ones who came to my rescue. They convinced me that what my family is doing to me is illegal and they will get me out of there. I started having hope again.

I went on my hunger strike for three days. Drinking only water. At this point my mother was desperate and was crying and begging me to eat. But I stood my ground. She got so desperate and went out through the gate stood there and started waiting for a priest to come by. That's when she found the man who rescued me. He was a deacon.

She brought him in and he started talking to me and asking me questions about who I am, trying to establish if I am actually possessed or not. After we talked for a few minutes he realized I was not possessed. He convinced my mom that I had nothing wrong with me and if she wanted me to end the hunger strike, she should take me home.

My mother was reluctant at first as she was planning on keeping me there for a total of three weeks but she finally gave in. So she agreed to take me home and I agreed to end my hunger strike once we got there. She took me back home.

I have disowned every member of my family including my mother. What they did to me was not only inhumane but also a crime.

This practice of chaining psychiatric patients and keeping them at a holy water place against their will is a very common thing, specially in rural areas. This has to stop!

My experience was traumatizing to say the least. But I wanted to come forward with the story and shine a light on the problem as many more people are victims of such acts. We have to do something about this.

In medical school I have noticed patients in chains being brought to the psychiatry clinic after spending several months locked away, I never thought it would happen to me. But at this point i know it could happen to anyone. Help me put an end to this. Put the word out.

@HakimEthio

somewhere along the line it must be ok to mourn the loss of a lover you never had.to bury the memories you could have made in tears wheezing in pain-silently.i mourn you here on my bed...while walking to the library...in the shower...amidst the chaos of the market. i long for you silently. loud enough for my heart's hand to reach out to yours and grip it tightly. i long for you. i long for the body i never touched. i long for the smile i couldnt carve on your face. i long for your hands to touch me on all the palces i would want to be touched if it could let me let go of the fear of being loved that my mom couldnt see through. i long for you from the cliff of a never ending self sabotage. i long for you to touch you. to suffocate you with hands that know nothing about receiving but giving, i love you in my "girl" body. as i do in my "woman" body. there is no modernity or self love strong enough to shadow how much i desire you. i cannnot grow out of the love that inner me desires. the same longing that cried days and nights for the pure love of my mother wants to get just a tiny taste of you. a glimpse of you. is it possible to love you?here...in my head...because i cannot come to you staright and say "love me here...like this.dont touch that part!just receive the love!"i maynot always know how to recieve but please love me anyways." will most of the days be busy contemplating on accepting you than loving you. how will i tell you i come with instructions? a huge "fragile" mark below my neck that you will see as soon as you start undressing me. tell me should i blame the one person that should have been in my life but had left it for making me fear selfish-love this much...i could have just stayed silent and be bathed by your pure love till it drained you but i would always be knocking at the door of your authentic loving door empty handed with apologies to all the traumas i am yet to shower you with. blame me...if you would like. i am who your mom warned you about. the type you arenot supposed to look at while crossing the street in your neighbourhood. the type to mourn your love but never had it. the type to write you love letters you will never receive. the type to fill in details of you i missed on knowing because i was too afraid to see you. to confront parts of me that just want you and only you. the type to stand dumdfounded and from a far watching all good things happen for you but never be in your life to experience them with you. the type to strip you down to your finest pieces to see which part felt short of love so that i could nuture it and kiss it good night. i,your forever lover,am the type to write you a book filled with chapters of you if i sit long enough in this never ending melancholy dippped loneliness....but i promise you if there is another lifetime and i get to meet you again with a clean slate i will spend all my birthday wishes on you. wish you on all the stars. draw our initials on beach sands. and if possible maybe i will try to heal...long before i see you again so that this time i will do more than just write about you. this time its my heart that commands my mind for you.

"is this goodbye?" You ask,

no,my love. i amnot ready yet. tommorow. same time?

"____"




-Yeab T

[ እንዳንድ ነገሮች ስለድብርት፣ ራስን ስለማጥፋት ምናምን...]

(በጣም ረዘመብኝ እና በቃ እንደ series ፊልም በኢፒሶድ ከፋፈልኩት... ካልሰነፋችሁ አንብቡት፤ ባታነቡትም I don't mind)

- 1-

ሰው ሲሞት እንደአንድ ጤነኛ ሰው አዝናለሁ። ግን ለምን እንደኹ እንጃ በተለይ ወጣት ሰው ራሱን አጥፍቶ ሲሞት ይበልጥ ያሳዝነኛል። That really bothers me! ለምን? ምን ቢያጋጥመው ነው እስከሞት ያስጨከነው? ተራ curiosity ይሁን የመርዳት ፍላጎት ለይቼ ባላውቅም!

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ደግነቱ በትንሹም ቢሆን አውቀዋለሁ፤ ያው ጦርነት እያመሳት ባለች ድሃ ሀገር እንደሚኖር ፣ በግሉም ብዙ ትግሎች እንዳሉበት አንድ ወጣት እኩያዬ ምን ሊሰማው እንደሚችል በትንሹም ቢሆን አውቀዋለሁ።

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የሆነ አንድ የተለመደው ዓይነት ቀን ጠዋት ወደክላስ እየሄድኩ እያለ ነው ድንገት መድከሜ የገባኝ - There was something different about me.

ማለቴ ከዚያም በፊት I've been struggling for years ምናምን እኮ...I know all those ኮንፊደንስ የማጣት፣ inferiority፣ Overthinking፣ anxiety፣ feeling down and depression ሺትስ... ግን በቃ ያ ቀን ነው የሆነ ነገሬ seriously እንደተሰበረ የገባኝ... አለ አይደል this Yonathan is totally a different one ምናምን ያልኩት።

መተንፈስ ደክሟችሁ ያውቃል? That literally happened to me... ማለት ትንፋሽ አጠረኝ ምናምን ሳይሆን literally መተንፈስ ስራ ሆነብኝ...
"እንዲያው ምን ቢያታክት ሀሞቱን ቢያፈሰው
መተንፈስ ይደክመዋል ወይ ሰው?"
... የምትል ግጥም ሁላ ፃፍኩ 😅 ማለቴ ብዙ የድካም አይነት አውቃለሁ ያኔ ይሰማኝ የነበረው ድካም ግን የተለየ ነው።

That day I realized በሕይወት ያወጣችኋት እያንዳንዷ አቅም በኋላ እንደምትቀናነስ ... አለ አይደል ቀላል ናት ብላችሁ ያሳለፋችኋት እያንዳንዷ ጠጠር የምታህል ችግር ኋላ ከቢጤዎቿ ጋር ተሰብስባ ቋጥኝ ሆና መምጣቷ አይቀርም።

ግን ከሁሉ በላይ የሚጎዳው ምን እንደሆነ ታውቃላችሁ? PRETENDING!! Since I was that "perfect" kid ሰዎች ለኔ የሣሉትን አይነት ሥዕል ለመሆን መፍጨርጨር ነበረብኝ ...fake it till you make it እንዲሉ። በዛ ላይ ችግሬን ከማውራት ይልቅ ውስጤ መያዝ የምመርጥ ሰው ነኝ። እና በሳቅና ሂውመር የተሸፈኑ ብዙ ሕመሞች የሆነ ቀን ሰብሰብ ብለው ይመጡና ድጌ ቀና እንዳትል አድርገው ያደቁሀል።

I knew I can't be the old me... I felt like I lost my passions, dreams and all. Oh man! That time was though! I was literally drained off... idk if I'm explaining it well or exaggerating it. ከብዙ ነገር ሸሸሁ... Even from my fellowship! And I was a leader there... ግን በቃ ስልኬን አጥፍቼ ጠፋሁ... ክላስም ድሮም ድሮ ነኝ እንኳን እንዲህ ሆኜ 😂 እና በቃ የሚታየኝ ቤቴ ነበር...that's the only place i feel safe (still 😁) ድብብቆሽ በሉት...

በተለይ ልክ የዛሬ ዓመት አካባቢ It was hell... ጊቢ ተጀመረ፣ GC የመሆን ጭንቀት ተጨመረበት፣ ከዚያ final project የምንሰራበት group አጣሁ፣ ያበደ ጨጓራዬ ተነሳብኝ ምናምን፣ plus some family cases...በቃ በትክክል function እያደረኩ እንዳልሆነ ገባኝ... ስልኬን ዘጋሁ። እና የሆነ ቀን በር ብቻዬን ቤት ተኝቼ እያለ በር ተንኳኳ እና ስከፍት it was my friend from ጊቢ (ከ5 ኪሎ ቃሊቲ ድረስ መጣ 😅) እና ብዙ አወራን ምናምን... ግን እውነት ከወሬው በላይ knowing that የሆነ ሰው ለኔ ተጨንቆ ቤቴ ድረስ ሊፈልገኝ እንደመጣ ማሰቡ ብቻ በጣም ብርታት ሰጠኝ! እንዲህ አይነት ሰዎች ይብዙልን!!

የሆነ ጊዜ I tried counselling ምናምን። ማለቴ ለእኔ አይነት prideful ሰው "I need help" ብሎ መሄድ ትልቅ courage ይጠይቃል... sadly በቃ አለ አይደል ከአንድ ቀን አነቃቂ ምክር የበለጠ ብዙም አላገኘሁም... What I needed was a good mentor to whom I could be accountable for ምናምን ግን ያው ነገሮች እንደፈለጋችሁት አይሄዱም አይደል?
ብቻ ምን ልላችሁ ነው - ሁላችንም በብዙ ነገር ውስጥ እናልፋለን። Painless life isn't promised! ብቻ ለመበርታት እንታገል እንጂ!

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How I dealt with that time? What helped me?

ማንበብ - ያን ያህልም አንባቢ ባልሆንም ጥቂት enjoy ከማደርጋቸው ነገሮች አንዱ ማንበብ ነው። At least it helped me to escape from the pain of reality for moments.

People - oh my beloved friends! ተገናኝተን፣ roast ተደራርገን እና excessively ስቀን፣ ሲደብረን አውርተን፣ ወክ አድርገን መለያየት is therapeutic!

ሌላው ነገር perfectionist'ነቴን ከላዬ ገፍፌ ለመጣል ሞከርኩ። ማለቴ ማስመሰል የለብኝም ብዬ ወሰንኩ። የሌለ ግብዝ ነበርኩ! እና Intentionally ራሴን በጽሑፎቼ ምናምን vulnerable ማድረግ ጀመርኩ። ማለቃቀስ ጀመርኩ! ጽሑፎችን suicidal ናቸው እስክባል ድረስ ውስጤ ያለውን የቆየ ሀሳብ ማውጣት ጀመርኩ። And that really helped me. እና ግጥም መጻፍ isn't luxury for me! It's kinda a painkiller!

And ማልቀስ? You have no idea how that helps! አለ አይደል ሁዲ ለብሶ፣ በጨለማ ሙዚቃ እየሰሙ እያለቀሱ ወክ ማድረግ... ain't that dramatic? 😂😂 Yeah try it - it's beautiful!

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Yet still it's freaking hard!! መኖር የሚያስጠላበት ጊዜ አለ፣ out of no where ቅልብሽ የሚልበት ጊዜ አለ፣ ማሰብ የሚያቅትበት ጊዜ አለ፣ ሰው ማየት የሚያስጠላበት ጊዜ አለ፣ ከአልጋ መውረድ የሚከብድበት ጊዜ አለ፣ እልም ያለ ገጠር ሄዶ ከሰው ርቆ መክረም የሚያሰኝበት ጊዜ አለ፣ ሞት የሚናፍቅበት ጊዜ አለ፣ ተስፋ የሚጠፋበት ጊዜ አለ

Yet all this ሺት is not above us and this shall pass too!!

እና አሁንም ቢሆን በእኔ በኩል የመሞት እቅድ የለኝም 😅 ለነገሩ የምንም ነገር እቅድ የለኝም! ምንም ባይኖር ወደፊት ስለማነባቸው መጽሐፍት፣ ስለማያቸው ቆንጆ ቲያትሮች፣ ስለማሳልፋቸው heavenly moments እና ስለማገኛቸው ፀዴ ሰዎች ስል እኖራለሁ።

እና እናንተም የመሞት እቅድ አይኑራችሁ! እየታገሉ መኖር ይሻላል አይደል? ከሞት ምንም አይገኝም አይደል?

እና ያው ኤልያስ እንዳለው ነው... "ኑር ባታምንም
ላንተ ባይመስልም
ለከንቱ አልተፈጠርክም"

Cheers for the coming years we struggle together 🍻

...

I just wanted to remind you all again that if there is anything you wanna talk about...your day...something new you wanna share or just a friend to catch up with my dms are always open. And whatever it is you have been holding onto and want to just get off your chest i am here for you. @Chezed_29

አንዳንድ ነገሮች ስለድብርት ፣ ራስን ስለማጥፋት

የሆነ ቀን ማታ ከክላስ እየተመለስኩ ሰፈር ልደርስ አካባቢ የቀለጠ ድንገተኛ ጩኸት ሰማሁ እና ጩኸቱ ወደተሰማበት ጊቢ ሮጬ ሔድኩ። አንድ በአስራዎቹ እድሜ የሚገኝ ልጅ ራሱን አጥፍቶ ተገኘ። ያሳዝናል አይደል? ከዚህ በላይ የምር ያሳዘነኝ የሰዉ response ነው!

በቤተሰቡ የድንጋጤ ጩኸት የተሰበሰቡ የመንደሩ ሰዎች አጠገቤ እንደቆሙ "ምን ሆንኩ ብሎ ነው አሁን?"፣ "የበርበሬ ወጪ የለበት የጨው፥ ቅብጠት ካልሆነ በቀር"፣ "ጨካኝ ነው ለቤተሰቦቹ እንዴት አያስብም?"... ሲሉ መስማት ይበልጥ ይሳዝናል።

አዕምሮ ነክ ችግሮች ትልቁ ጉዳታቸው እንደሌሎቹ በሽታዎች አለመሆናቸው፣ ማለቴ አካላዊ አለመሆናቸው ይመስለኛል። ብዙዎቹ ምልክቶች ከባህሪ ጋር ስለሚምታቱ፣ "እሱ/እሷ ልማዱ/ዷ ነው" እየተባለ ከመታለፍ ባለፈ የሚረዳ እና የሚረ'ዳ ሰው ማግኘት ይከብዳል። ወለም ያለህ እንደሆነ ግን "ልሽህ፣ ልደግፍህ" ባዩ ብዙ ነው።

ከልብ ስብራት ይልቅ የእግር ወለምታ more sense ይሰጠናል፤ ምክንያቱም ወለምታ physical evidence ሊቀርብለት ይችላል... ማለቴ አላምን ባይ እንኳን ካለ x-ray ተነስተህ ታሳየዋለህ። ግን የልብ ስብራትና የአዕምሮ መታወክ ታማሚው ሸፋፍኖ ሊደብቀው ከመቻሉም በላይ ቢናገሩት ራሱ አጉል የስም ተቀጥያ ያሰጣል በሚል ፍራቻ ዝምታን ያስመርጣል። "Am I being dramatic? Am I just seeking attention?" በሚሉ ጥያቄዎች ምክንያት አዕምሮን ዝም ለማሰኘት መጣር እና "normal" ለመሆን መሞከር የተለመደ ነው።

የድህነታችን ሰፊ እጅ እዚህም ጋር ሳይዳብሰን የቀረ አይመስለኝም። እንኳን በፊደል መቁጠሩ ያልገፉት ወላጆቻችን ቀርቶ ተምረናል የሚሉ እኩዮቻችን ብናስረዳቸው ብዙ የማይገቧቸው ነገሮች አሉ። ምክንያቱም እንኳን የአዕምሮ ደህንነት፣ በቀን ሦስቴ መብላት ራሱ እንደቅንጦት (luxury) የሚቆጠርባት ሀገር ውስጥ ነዋ የምንኖረው! ሌላውን ትተን "depression አይደለም ብሮ ... ርቦህ ነው ብላበት ይተውሀል" የሚሉ ፖስቶችን ስንት ጊዜ አየን?

በቀላሉ መፈወስ የሚችሉ ህመሞች ለከፋ የአእምሮ ህመም ወይም ለሞት ሲዳርጉ ከንፈር መምጠጥ ምንም አንደማይፈይድ ማህበረባችን ገና የገባው አይመስልም። እና አዎ Mental health is not a luxurious thing, it's a necessity!!

ፈረንጅ እግዜር ይስጠው እኛ የማናውቃቸውን ብዙ በሽታዎች በቅጥ ከማወቅና ከመሰነድ አልፎ መድሃኒቶቹንም ቀምሞ አዘጋጅቶልናል። ግን እኛ መታከም ለምን እንደምንፈራ አይገባኝም!

ጠበሉም ፀሎቱም ጋር መሄዱ ጥሩነቱ እንዳለ ሆኖ ሀኪም ጋር መሄድ ከኃጢአት እኩል የመቆጠሩ ነገር ያስገርማል። በጥቂት ፕሮፌሽናል እገዛ የሚስተካከሉ ችግሮች በዳተኝነት ምክንያት ሲብሱ ሲባባሱ ማየት ያሳዝናል። Anxiety disorders, personality disorders, depression and bipolar disorders, ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder)... የሚባሉትን አዕምሮ ነክ ሕመሞች ስማቸውን እንኳን በቅጥ የምናውቅ ስንቶቻችን ነን?

ብቻ We should normalize seeing professionals, getting treatment and taking medications!

እና ከሁሉም በላይ ስለራሳችን ስንል ራሳችንን ማበርታት ያለብን ይመስለኛል። You should be your own priority! I should be my own priority! በኛ መጎዳት ውስጥ የሚጎዱ ብዙ ሰዎች ቢኖሩም፣ መጀመሪያ የጉዳቱ ሰለባዎች እኛው ነን! "የእኔን ደህንነት የሚነካ የማንም expectation ቢሆን ገደል መግባት ይችላል!" ማለት መልመድ ያለብን ይመስለኛል። በቃ ለራሳችን መቆም አለብን!

ተስፋ እንዳለ ለራሳችን ማሳየት አለብን፣ አንዲትም እርምጃ ቢሆን ወደፊት ፈቀቅ ለማለት መታገል አለብን። የእኛን ያህል ማንም እኛን ሊረዳን አይችልም! I should stand for myself! You should stand for yourself!!

ግን ደግሞ ቢመርረንም ልንውጠው የሚገባን ሀቅ ያለ ይመስለኛል። ሁሉም ሰው ለየራሱ ሕይወት ተጠያቂ ነው! ምንም ብንፍጨረጨር ልንቀይረው የማንችለው ሀቅ ፣ ልናድናቸው የማንችላቸው ሰዎች አሉ አንዳንዴ። ስለዚህ ስላለፍነው እና ስላለፉት ራሳችንን እየወቀስን መኖር የለብንም። Everyone is responsible for his own actions!

የሚበጀን ስለወደፊቱ መጨነቅ ነው። በዙሪያችን ላሉ ሰዎች ግድ ይሰጠናል ወይ? ጓደኞቻችንን እንሰማቸዋለን ወይ? ሲደብራቸው "አለሁ፣ አይዞኝ" እንላቸዋለን ወይ? ሊደረግልን የምንፈልገውን ለሰዎች እናደርጋለን ወይ?

እኛ እግዜር አይደለንም፣ ለሁሉም ሰው መፍትሔ የለንም። ሁሉንም ሰው አድምጠን አንችለውም፤ ግን ቢያንስ ሁላችንም በዙሪያችን ላሉ ጥቂት ሰዎች concerned እንሁን።

Idk why I'm ranting all this nonsense. ምናልባት የሆነ ሰው ከጠቀመ ብዬ ነው!

እና If you're struggling, you should know this...You ain't alone! ብቻችሁን አይደላችሁም! ብዙ ታጋይ አለ! ምንም እንኳን "ሁሌም ከጎናችሁ እሆናለሁ" ምናምን ብዬ ቃል የምገባበት አቅም ባይኖረኝም። ግን I will try at least! Genuinely እርዳታ የምትፈልጉ ከሆነ ብዙ ሊረዷችሁ የሚፈልጉ ሰዎች እዚህ አሉ - Reach them out! ከሁሉ በላይ ራሳችሁን እርዱ! Stand for yourself!

እርሶ ወይም ወዳጅ ዘመድዎ በራስ ማጥፋት ሀሳቦች እየተጨነቁ ከሆነ እባክዎን በአቅራቢያዎ ወደሚገኝ ጤና ጣቢያ ወይም የስነ-ልቦና ማዕከል በመሄድ የባለሙያ ድጋፍ እና ሪፈራል ያግኙ።

ለአእምሮ ህክምና ተጨማሪ መረጃ: https://bit.ly/3KTRnDr

በYonathan Getachew (Software Engineer)
www.facebook.com/YoniiBoss

@HakimEthio