A little mid night rant....🖤

And some of us, why is it that when we are loved, we are incapable of receiving it? Every time someone leaves us we are grateful for it. The worst of us return this gratitude as a form of love.

Maybe that's why we love the people who distance themselves from us.

We want to be loved but we can't be loved.

"There is nothing we can do with suffering except to suffer it? Who still thinks there is some device(if only he could find it) which will make pain not be pain. It doesn't really matter whether you grip the arms of the dentist's chair or let your hands lie in your lap. The drill drills on."
C.s lewis

"And grief still feels like fear. Perhaps,more strictly,like suspense. Or like waiting; just hanging about waiting for something to happen."

I sympathize people who are excruciatingly hard on themselves. It’s okay to break, really.
It’s okay to go out of routine sometimes and have unplanned days.
It’s natural to admit some days you’re weak and you’re not as great as you think you are.
It’s okay to be completely clueless.
It’s okay to be confused.

Check in on your friends eshi? Hug them well, be open for whatever burden they might come to you with. Bleed their ears with loving words and remind them how much they mean to you.

You feel like you have left but some days you are just back there. The same little child.

"I believe in the kind of love that doesn't demand me to prove my worth and sit in anxiety. I crave a natural connection, where my soul is able to recognize a feeling of home in another. Something free-flowing, something simple. Something that allows me to be me without question..."

My heart's longing!🖤

"I am a Doctor, now a patient who had been denied the right to medical care."

Dear Hakim I am a GP working at one of the Referal Hospitals in the Amhara region. I have been diagnosed with MDD, I also suffer from panic disorder.

I have been trying to get medical help for my mental health. My family on the other side thinks that I have been possessed by some demon or evil spirit.

Three days ago, They took me against my will to a holy water site located in Bahir-Dar. They rented a small house next to the church which was poorly built and infested with bugs.

When I tried to run away, they put chains on my legs so that I can't scape. I fell and hurt myself while trying to get away. I grazed my knees, my lower lip and chin. My chin still hurts.

They took my phone away from me. I managed to contact my friends on Facebook to come to my rescue using my mothers phone and to send the pictures you see below.

On the first day we went to the church, they put me inside a small space. The holy water was coming out of a water pipe that was approximately at two meters height above me. It was coming down on me at a high pressure and made breathing difficult. This triggered a panic attack and I started gasping for air and hyperventilating which they attributed to being the work of the devil and him reacting to the holy water.

At this point the priest brought a huge metal cross and started to repeatedly hit my back with it leaving bruises over my back. I felt the burning sensation. My mother was there witnessing everything.

I looked up at her and started pleading. "Please mom make him stop, I can't breath!". To that she said "shut up satan!". I felt helpless.

How can my mother be this cruel? I had to endure it for a few more minutes which felt like an eternity. It was finally over and we went back to the place they rented. She made me drink holy water and said if I refuse, she will bring in the priest with the huge metal cross and make him beat me till I agree to drink the holy water. So I complied. And then I was asked to eat some food. I refused. Again she threatened me with the priest and his cross. But I stood my ground and went on a hunger strike.

At this point I was feeling helpless and powerless, it felt like the only thing i had control over was whether I decide to eat or not. So I told her no matter what she does to me I will not eat.

After a few minutes I started getting another panic attack. The thought of going back to the holy water site was terrifying. I couldn't breath, I can feel my throat closing up. At this point I started begging my mom to take me to the hospital and told her I might die. Her response, "I am not going to take you anywhere if you die here, you die here!".

I couldn't believe the words I was hearing that were coming out of her mouth. She brought a water bottle filled with holy water and started splashing it on my head and face while repeatedly saying 'ልቀቅ! ሰይጣን ልቀቅ!'

At some point i knew it was pointless to beg her to try to save me. It was clear to me that she was convinced that she was conversing with whatever possessed me and not her daughter.

I felt hopeless but I tried to calm myself and started to breath slowly. The panic attack resolved after a few minutes. All I can do at this point is cry.

I was defeated, I was suicidal. I had a razor blade in my pocket when they brought me in. Just in case things get out of control, I would just slit my wrist. I went to the toilet with the razor blade and tried to slit my wrist. But I could not go through with it. My hands started shaking. So I decided to try again later after I have summoned enough strength to actually do it.

In the mean time, I asked my mother to give me her phone for a few minutes. I did not think she would say yes but she did. So I got on Facebook and tried to say my goodbyes and explain my situation to a few friends. They are the ones who came to my rescue. They convinced me that what my family is doing to me is illegal and they will get me out of there. I started having hope again.

I went on my hunger strike for three days. Drinking only water. At this point my mother was desperate and was crying and begging me to eat. But I stood my ground. She got so desperate and went out through the gate stood there and started waiting for a priest to come by. That's when she found the man who rescued me. He was a deacon.

She brought him in and he started talking to me and asking me questions about who I am, trying to establish if I am actually possessed or not. After we talked for a few minutes he realized I was not possessed. He convinced my mom that I had nothing wrong with me and if she wanted me to end the hunger strike, she should take me home.

My mother was reluctant at first as she was planning on keeping me there for a total of three weeks but she finally gave in. So she agreed to take me home and I agreed to end my hunger strike once we got there. She took me back home.

I have disowned every member of my family including my mother. What they did to me was not only inhumane but also a crime.

This practice of chaining psychiatric patients and keeping them at a holy water place against their will is a very common thing, specially in rural areas. This has to stop!

My experience was traumatizing to say the least. But I wanted to come forward with the story and shine a light on the problem as many more people are victims of such acts. We have to do something about this.

In medical school I have noticed patients in chains being brought to the psychiatry clinic after spending several months locked away, I never thought it would happen to me. But at this point i know it could happen to anyone. Help me put an end to this. Put the word out.

@HakimEthio