I just stared at my mom while she was talking to me with Teary eyes and I wanted so much to be vulnerable and tell her I am sick. " I am getting bad mom I know will make it but I fear I might not. And I feel am tricking myself into getting better. But I don't think I am. I feel it all working out in my head once but I cannot seem to not breathe that breath of exhaustion. I fear I am bottling it up thinking I am dealing with it and it is gonna explode on me one day."


But I didn't. I couldn't. I don't know which to curse. This world for making me think I have to be silent to feel strong and like I have my shit together or myself for believing in it. I don't know. I seem to be torn with choices this days. But what have I made myself believe to be that I cannot even trust the same body that nurtured me to life.

“I think about giving up a lot, to just stop trying.”

“Surrender and losing control isn’t always as bad as they tell you it is, why don’t you then? Give up I mean”

“Then what? What happens without the constant tension to do better? Or the hard work? Without the sweating blood and palpitations?”

“Perhaps you get to wind down? And breathe?”

“But I see that as giving liberty to my repressed self, which is a rampant route I’m not willing to take. So I won’t give up, not because I have this drive to become someone but because the idea of nothingness is daunting.”

By Dagmawi Demeke

Perhaps you think about me when you listen to the songs I sent you. Perhaps you imagine me next to you when you listen to those parts that matter. Perhaps you'd wonder what stupid thing I would say to make you laugh, to which you end up making yourself laugh. Perhaps you remember that we're both stupid. So stupid that we actually wanted this, but chose and decided to turn away from each other.

‍If the thread were not fixed in the depth of the candle, you would not have been able to burn it. Likewise, we are only burned by those who infiltrated our depths.

"አይደክምም?"

"ምኑ?"

"ዛሬን መኖር ለነገ ደግሞ ማቀድ...ነገ ሲደርስ ደግሞ መልሶ መኖር:: በመኖር መሃል አለመኖር ቢኖር ጥሩ ነበር...ትንሽ ብናርፍ...ትንሽ ባናስብ...ትንሽ ባንተነፍስ"

እንደ ምክር ሊሰማችሁ የፈለገውን ሁሉ እንዲሰማችሁ ፍቀዱለት::

ስሜቶቻችንን ማስተናገድ ተስፋ መቁረጥም መኖርን መጥላትም አይደለም እሺ?

Trade.

"Had you in my shirt pocket,
RIght next to where I kept my" Marlboros
Close to my heart
So you can bask in its pulsing sorrows

There are people I wanted so much before I had them that the entire experience of having them was grief for my old hunger

- Sarah Manguso, 300 Arguments

የሰው ልብ አንድ እግሩ እንደተሰበረ ወደዚያ ወደተሰበረበት አቅጣጫ እንደሚወድቅ ኩርሲ ነው። ማንም እየመጣ ሊቀመጥበት ይችላል። ትኩረት የሚፈልግ የትኛውም ነገር ተጠንቅቆ ለጊዜው ሊይዘው ይችላል። በመጨረሻም ግን እነሱ ሲነሱ ድጋሚ መውደቁ የማይቀር ነው። ምን ይሆን የተጠቀምሽው? መጋዝ ወይስ ሌላ። ልቤን በአንጻርሽ ስትጎምጅው። ምን ነበር የተጠቀምሽው? ቀጥ ብሎ እንዳይቆምስ ለምን ነው የፈለግሽ? ለምንስ ስንኩልነቱን ተመኘሽ?

ግን አልቀየምሽም። ከመቆም የተሻለ ነው። ከኩራት የበለጠ ነው። ደስ የሚል መውደቅ ነው። የመነሳት ዓይነት። የመንሳፈፍ ዓይነት። ወድቆ ግን አንቺ መደገፍ ሁሌም ትቀጥያለሽ አይደል? ምሰሶ አበጅተሽለት ልትሄጂ እያሰብሽ እንዳልሆነ ላስብ አይደል?

@boredtherapist